Insensitive significant other.

MT87

I just need to bitch this out. Get it off my chest. Even though he'll never read this, I need to get this out, at least to a crowd who may be experiencing or may have a similar feeling.

Dear fiancé, boyfriend, whatever you chose to be today or whenever.
I've been trying to be very understanding of you and what you are going through (even if your not going through anything). I have been placing myself last. Just a few hours ago I messaged you saying I was very upset because I don't feel attractive anymore. I feel like I'm having a self worth issue on top of that. I don't remember the last time you said I was even pretty. Or have done anything to make me feel special or have done anything nice for me. Especially now, being pregnant. I just needed a little more love. Or just some love if you could spare some.
When I spoke to you in a nice way. You turned around and said "this time is about you because you're going through an important training"
You have made me feel like a huge burden, especially since I lost my job. I know I've been having a hard time, I can't seem to get out of bed. I'm so exhausted and I used to laugh at "baby brain" but damn it's so true.
You make me feel stupid and lazy and as you say "milking it". You have also constantly reminded me that I need to work out and make sure when the baby comes I get my post body in shape.

Appearances were never the most important thig but I feel like it's become a huge factor. And as I read this I feel stupid. You make me feel liked everything is my fault. I understand you have tried to be sweet but, I'm sorry, all you have done is the bare minimum.

I envy all soon to be mommys that crave food at night or just anytime of the day and their loved ones gets it for them.
I'm so mad at you. When you're sick, I baby you. When I'm sick you tell me it's normal and that I have to do something around the house at all times. When your dog knocked me over. You said "your fine."
Maybe I've been acting out a little more than I ever have but I realized I've been doing it just to get a caring reaction out of you.
If you were to read this I know you would find a way to make me feel crazy and blame it on my hormones and say I'm wrong. I have so much more I want to say to you but I'm hungry and I'm going to go out and get my own food.

Sincerely,
You really really heartbroken fiancé or girlfriend. Whatever.

Poppy715

Have you thought about writing a blog? Or a journal? It might help with getting out your frustrations.

Also instead of focusing on what your bf isn't doing maybe try and make a note of what he is doing. Have you actually talked to him about this. Not fight and argue but talk things through with him?

MT87

ramy3 said:

Have you told him any of this? Does he know you're frustrated and feel like he's pressuring you?

Sometimes they just need to be told straight up how it is.

Poppy715 said:

Have you thought about writing a blog? Or a journal? It might help with getting out your frustrations.

Also instead of focusing on what your bf isn't doing maybe try and make a note of what he is doing. Have you actually talked to him about this. Not fight and argue but talk things through with him?

I have spoken to him but he's a very insensitive person. He says he's just a guy but he's trying. But his trying is what some people would call the bare minimum. I'm thinking about blogging it a journal. Because yes you're right I need to get my fustration out. I have tried a lot of different ways to talk to him but it seems like a waste of time.

pilar311

I'm sorry you're going through this! Telling him your needs directly instead of trying to elicit certain reactions from him might work better. Simple statements about your feelings like when you do blank it makes me feel blank without adding further interpretation or judgment on his actions might help him see your point of view.

Jillibean68

Maybe couples counseling would help you guys. It's made a world of a difference with me and MH. Sometimes we (as women) say things in ways that go in one ear, out the other. And sometimes guys are just dense and don't get it unless we spell it out to them. A neutral 3rd party can really help bring you both to the same page.

MT87

pilar311 said:

I'm sorry you're going through this! Telling him your needs directly instead of trying to elicit certain reactions from him might work better. Simple statements about your feelings like when you do blank it makes me feel blank without adding further interpretation or judgment on his actions might help him see your point of view.

I've try getting reactions. I've tried speaking to him in a nice way. He makes it about himself every time.

MT87

sastahlman said:

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I can relate to a lot of what you said in this post. One thing that has helped me is to figure out who I am and to be ok with that. Once you know who you are and how amazing you are, it won't matter what other people say about you anymore.
As far as him making you feel badly about not doing certain things and resting because you don't feel well, shame on him. I am completely convinced that if men had to experience pregnancy and childbirth, a lot of them would be milking it and acting like they are dying. A lot of them seem to have a skewed image that because women are the ones who have the babies, that it must be easy for us. This is my second baby, and I can most definitely say that pregnancy (and childbirth and parenting) are by far some of the hardest things I've ever dealt with in my life. It is the most rewarding miracle, but it can also suck at times, and as a soon to be mom, you have every right to rest, and not feel good, and even to complain about it sometimes. You've earned that.
I really hope that your man straightens up. I can promise you that if he doesn't, it will be a very long and strenuous road. Especially since he has proven that he has no respect for you. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers! Good luck, and even though it's hard, try to keep your head up.

Thank you I really appreciate it. I wish I could say more but I'm exhausted. Today I tried to talk to him, in an appropriate manner. And it blew up in my face. I've been ignoring this feeling and how he makes me feel. Next month I am leaving for an entire month just to get away.
Once again. Thank you so much.

famousa88

It sounds like you have much bigger problems than the fact that he won't get your food in the middle of the night. I agree with PP that seeking counseling would be in your best interest, that is if he is willing to go. If he isn't it likely wouldn't hurt for you to go alone. If you're not willing to leave, counseling may help you to learn how to communicate your feelings to him... Good luck.

Angelina08m

Omg I feel like you read my mind. I just want to run away some times. He is super insensitive. Puking every morning is normal I'm pregnant. Yea well that doesn't mean I feel any better while doing it! I hope it gets better for you darling

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Sarahbmcd

I just feel like some guys have a hard time emphasizing with other ppl, let alone pregnant women. Has he read any pregnancy books, or at least anything online?
My husband isn't very empathetic, but he's factual. So sometimes what he reads about pregnancy he thinks it applies to all pregnancies, not considering they're all different.
Today he told me I shouldn't be drinking out of plastic (cups, bottles) he Hates if I have caffine and be gets worried if I'm feeling or not feeling certain symptoms.

He hasnt been much into getting my cravings. He's tried once or twice but got the wrong thing.

I would encourage him to get involved with the pregnancy (reading and whatnot) abs then he will start to understand what's going on.

michiejeet

Councilling is always a good option when it gets to the point when conversations can't happen. Saved my marriage for sure. Hormones play a part of course but he is just fanning the fire by being intentionally insensitive. I feel for you. Maybe your absence will make him realize how important you are to him and that you deserve to be treated a whole lot better. I hope it gets better for you. Xo

samiamagirl

I definitely agree with what every other poster has said here. In addition to what people have said, do you guys have any friends who have children or the SO is pregnant as well? I know with my DH, though he has been unbelievably sweet and helpful as much as possible during my pregnancy, still has a little trouble understanding and "getting" certain things. For example, I'd tell him how absolutely exhausted I am and that I've never felt so tired before and he would sort of brush it off as being slightly exaggerated. It wasn't until he talked to some guy friends who described how exhausted their wives were during pregnancy that he realized pregnancy fatigue is a literal thing, it can be absolutely exhausting, and I wasn't exaggerating.

So maybe if he starts talking to other guys who have been through this he'll start realizing that what you're going through is "not just you" and you're not milking anything. I agree with what someone said that guys think because our body does naturally we should be able to handle it. What they don't realize is that for many of us- this is the first time it's ever done it so we're not used to what's happening to us! And even a second time around our body has to try and remember how to do it again!

DivinesMum

It's something in the universe because my SO just had a pow wow because not only am I preggers, but request simple things like communication,consideration, and a little empathy we could get through this. I feel like this is our worst pregnancy. I'm always annoyed, losing patience with simplicity, and having to go to work, school, chores, and cater to our children. Men don't understand or can fathom the reality of motherhood as if begins as soon as you realize YOU'RE PREGNANT! I would suggest you first talk to a counselor/ therapist first and then introduce the idea to your SO. I feel your frustration! Trust!

marijaa333

I had an ex like this, but probably much worse. He shrugged when I fell on some gravel and cut my palm pretty badly. It was the beginning of the end when I realized that the barista at the Starbucks I ran into to get ice was treating me with way more care and patience than my ex was (he got me a clean rag, lots of ice, and a sugary drink to help with shock).

It turned out that my ex was full of resentment over a million things that had happened over the years, and just couldn't bring himself to be kind to me. He never verbalized any issues, and when we sat down to talk (which we did many times), he would just shut down. It was very difficult to resolve anything this way and we ended up splitting up. (And looking back, it was absolutely the right thing to do, although hard at the time.)

I don't know if anything similar is going on with your boyfriend, but if you can somehow get him to open up about how he feels in the whole thing, you might find out that simple reassurance that he's still important to you, that he'll be a great dad, that you're in this together, that you want to build a fun, fulfilling life together, will change his outlook.  If you can't turn things around by being the kindest and most respectful possible version of yourself and seeing if that makes a difference, then I think counseling is your best bet... 

So sorry to hear you are going through this. And I hope your nausea subsides.

Pintobean39

GFJ48 said:

I'm sure some might find this "immature" but when DH and I were having problems in the beginning of our relationship I kept a journal (tried not to be too harsh) and then I'd purposely "accidentally" leave it out hoping he'd read it. He did and it opened up a conversation we wouldn't have had otherwise. He used to shut down anytime a convo was on "what he was doing wrong". Obviously we are much better at communicating now but it took time & work.

Actually that's not immature I don't think. When my ex and I went to marriage counciling they had us take a notebook and he wrote in the front and me in the back about how we were feeling everyday and we could read each other's entry. It was a way to get our feeling out non confrontational and for us both to be heard and to speak uninterrupted.

lgsdesigner

This sounds like my ex-husband, and that is why he is my ex.
I say write this out in a letter and leave it in the table, then go out with your girlfriends for dinner. He needs to absorb this, and since it seems like he doesn't listen to you, reading it would be best.
Hang in there.

jennz201

I know how you are feeling hon. I laid awake all night last night fuming about how insensitive MH has been during this pregnancy. Last night I told him I needed to go and buy some maternity jeans because I can't button any of mine anymore and he gave me shit because of how much money the holidays are going to cost us, and that is something that needs to wait. I got so upset and started crying and he got mad that I was crying. I've thought about counseling, but I know it would take a lot to convince him to go.
I hope you get things smoothed out soon. xo

VeganOnTuesdays

I am really sorry you are going through this. I know how crappy I feel right now and to add an insensitive partner into the mix would push me over the edge. I think PP have given great advice. Couples counseling seems like a great idea to open up some lines of communication with a mediator. I hope you find some middle ground soon and can start healing some wounds. Good luck!

zbornak123

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Ithink it's important to separate arbitrary compliments like "telling me I'm pretty" from real emotional attention. Do you eat dinner at the table together? Do you spend time "unplugged" from phones, the tv, etc? I've been there with feeling like I'm not told I'm pretty as much as im sure every other husband tells their wives. I've learned over ex's and my husband that I can't manifest my perfect man by whining or wishing. I had to step back and say "Ok, he doesn't tell me I'm pretty very often...but does he always give me the better pillow at a hotel? Yes. When someone brings my favorite dessert to his office does he bring some home for me? Yes. Does he show genuine concern about my overall health and well being? Yes. Does he make me feel like he wants to spend time with me? Yes. Does he say "thank you" when I do things for him? Yes." And so on. I'm not saying that you should put up with someone who makes you feel badly about yourself, or who is emotionally unavailable. I am suggseting that you look at your relationship as a whole and not just feeling papered enough while pregnant, you know what I mean? I guess what I;m really askings is how does he show you he loves you? If its not by buying you food cravings and telling you you are pretty, then how does he show it? Is he showing it at all? Maybe its enough for you, but maybe its really not, and thats ok too. You deserve to have a partner who makes you feel loved. Sorry so long - I just got a bluetooth keyboard and feel unstoppable!!