"What would you do? " Good friend's fiance

Nikolie93

Hey everyone! I have a situation I'm a bit torn about and all you ladies have some pretty good advice so I am interested in your opinions. I don't have many girl friends IRL and the ones I do have happen go be in the group that includes my good friend and her fiance.

I became good friends with this girl when she needed a place to live and I opened up my home to her years back. Her fiance is ummm.....a douchebag (I feel bad saying it but it's what I think). They actually met because of me when I brought her to a party in which her now fiance was at. I knew him from the group before I knew my good friend.

They are getting married in Feb. and I can't get it out of my head that I'm afraid she will regret it one day. I know she's a grown woman (she will be 30 in Dec) but I just feel torn if I should tell her my concerns.

In no way am I going to give her an ultimatum and tell her we can't be friends if they marry but I care about her, and I want her to be happy. I would hate for it to go south later and have her tell me that she wished she had seen it

He doesn't beat her or cheat on her but he's very condescending and they very seldom ever do anything together. I'm just afraid she's settling and isn't happy deep down.

I know this may not be my business but like I said, I care alot about her. Would you mention anything or do you think it's not my place? I would hate to say something and make it awkward between us, or for her to tell her finance. It could cause some tension I'm sure. We are spending the day together Sunday so if I say anything, it would be then.

OMG, I didn't intend for this to be so long. Sorry but thanks if you get through it

MrsKush1014

I agree with @Amybunny30.  Unfortunately, unless she brings something up, it's best to not say anything because it could ultimately pull you apart.  If she knows how you feel about him and that is NOT how she feels then she is likely to pull away from you because she'll feel you don't approve.  If he were beating her or cheating on her that would be a different story.  {{hugs}} I think we all know what it's like to see someone in a relationship we think is all wrong.  The best thing is to be there for her if she needs you.

Nikolie93

@Amybunny30‌ I'm kicking myself in the ass because when we recently hung out she was complaining about how he always makes plans with other people and they never spend any time together. Would have been a good opportunity to open the door to talk about it. I freaked out and kept my mouth shut.

@Kateisoptimistic‌ I think the hardest thing is that I'm not sure she's happy. She has a wall up and she doesn't really show much emotion. She will rarely talk about personal things in her life. She lost her bf to a car accident when she was a big younger and I think that scarred her. I think you said to right when you said it won't go well if I just outright tell her. Maybe I can open up the door by asking her how she's doing and ask if she's happy.

Thanks for your responses

renegadewhit

I think it's awesome that you care enough about your friend to be torn, but I don't think any good comes from saying anything. She won't see what you see, and she'll think you're not being supportive. Unless she comes to you with doubts, I'd say just be happy that she's happy and hope that it all works out. 

Sorry you're in this situation! I've definitely been there!

thegiantfam

I agree with PP, but I would also add - you are married and she is revving up for a wedding. You can always frame the conversation (to invite her to vent as @Amybunny30 mentioned) by saying "I know I've only been married (x) years, but if there are any fears or concerns you have in these last months I want you to know you can come to me without judgment. Marriage is scary and takes lots of work, and I would never want you to feel like you couldn't come to me for questions about the hard stuff." If she shrugs it off and doesn't take the bait, I'd agree with @Kateisoptimistic and @Amybunny30 and tell you to let it go and be there for her on her terms. Good luck! I know this is hard! I watched a good friend marry someone this summer with similar misgivings, but its her life and her happiness (and she seems incredibly happy now).

Nikolie93

@crimpgirl‌ I was single at 30 as well and it did suck. When I got married at 19 people warned me and, you're right, I didn't listen. That's why I've hesitated saying anything to her but as the wedding date comes closer I just feel more anxious about it.

@agpjt413‌ I will defenitley be the for her regardless of what happens!

@furrypaws‌ it sure is a slippery slope. I've heard him say some pretty mean things to her and it makes me cringe. MH isn't a fan and we rarely have issues with anyone. It's odd we both feel that way. BTW, I the term douchetastic!

@MrsKush1014 I can totally see it being an issue if se doesn't agree with me which she must not if she's marrying him

@whitneyandconcep‌ thanks! I'm sure many have been in this situation.

I know she's only 10 years younger than me but I guess I just feel responsible for her. She was a bit lost a few times in her life and I always opened my door to her. I want her to be happy but you all are right, she needs to figure this out on her own.

If she happens to complain about something again I may, very carefully, mention something . More so ask her questions to try and get her to talk to see how she really feels.

Nikolie93

@mlal78 and @thegiantfam‌ thanks! All good points. I definitley won't be just coming out and telling her how I feel, I can see how this is a recipe for disaster.

I don't know why I feel the need to make sure everyone is ok I know she's grown and can make these decisions on her own.

stacy4571

I agree with the ladies above that it is important to be there and be supportive but bringing it up may really put a damper on your relationship. Once the commitment of engagement has been made it really has to be the couple to realize when it is best to end it. Just pray she gets there on her own. I have had a few friends who have called weddings off really close to the date. She might be strong enough to do it. 

Nikolie93

@stacy4571‌ they did get engaged a while back late and we're dating for a while so I had my chance in the beginning. Part of me feels bad for not saying something for so long but I probably held off because I knew it wasn't right for me to bring it up.

The worst thing is that they are both part of the group, which includes about 15+ of us. If they break things off it will definitely cause tension between everyone. I stayed with my ex husband for way too long because I knew it would impact a lot of people. I know, immature of me, I've grown some since then

stacy4571

It is definitely a tough situation. Good luck with whatever path you choose. Your friend is lucky to have a friend who loves her so much!  

ctk181

I have to agree with all the PPs. It never goes well when you try to tell someone something negative about their relationship. She is likely not in a place where she will hear what you are saying and it will ultimately makes things awkward between you two. I think you just need to be her friend and be there when she needs your support if the relationship does go awry. And you never know, maybe this guy will step up to the plate and become a better partner. Either way, as hard as it is to watch, I think you saying something to her will just make her feel like she has to defend him and may make her less likely to talk to you if they are having problems. Good luck! I hate that you have to deal with this because I know EXACTLY how you feel!

Nikolie93

@ctk181‌ I have thought that she may get a bit defensive if I bring up something negative about her soon to be husband and their relationship.

All you ladies rock for your advice, thank you!

Nikolie93

@Sterling13‌ that's a great way to bring it up! And I will feel that at least I gave her the chance to open up.

I was also thinking about bringing up the "cold feet" topic since the wedding is coming up, just to see what she says. I know I was scared shitless when my wedding was approaching.

Nikolie93

thank you for your input @leloyd!  Must be a bit harder when it's your little sister. 

I feel the same you do, that if it doesn't work out in the end I would feel bad about not saying anything. I know, from experience, that people don't listen to others in these types of situations and they just need to learn on their own. 

Appreciate all the feedback and thoughts on this, ladies! Much  

meredithcarole

Here's the thing, you really can't tell her your feelings in this situation. You remember that song, "when a man loves a woman?" Well, like the song says, she can "see no wrong." She probably will eventually, but she may have to suffer through for a while to see it. If she was your sister you could tell her, but I really think unless she is your best friend in the world whom you love like a sister AND you are willing to lose that friendship by telling her your honest opinion you should bite your tongue (hard as it is to see someone do something like this) and prepare to ultimately pick up the pieces. ((Hugs))

Nikolie93

Thanks @eurydicenymph I will definitely stay out of it unless she says something to me after reading everyone's advice. It's just so hard, I have heard her complain about aspects of their relationship and it's pretty important things. 

I think I am just extra sensitive to her because I know of her past and I know how has been in previous relationships. Hell, I have had plenty of times I've raised eyebrows to some relationships but I've never really felt the need to butt in because at the end of the day I know it's none of my business. 

Eh, I just want to fix everything and want everyone to be happy. One of the things I really dislike about myself. 

welly01

I have nothing new to add but just wanted to say I agree with everyone else.  You can't really do anything at this point and bringing it up probably won't end well.  Just be there for her and offer support.  I'm so sorry you're in this position and I hope things go well for her.

BookishMomma

As someone who has been in this situation and DID say something, I have to agree with PPs who have advised you to stay out of it. Unless he is abusive or cheating or something like that, in which case I think I would say something. 

I once told my BFF back in our early 20s that her boyfriend was an ass. She ended up marrying the guy and, honestly, I've gotten used to him over the years and he's a good husband and dad. It took some time for my friendship with this girlfriend to heal after I voiced my opinion about her chosen partner. 

Nikolie93

@bookishmomma That is one reason I hesitated. Maybe it WILL work out. Maybe he has the type of personality that fits her. Maybe she will never change her personality and he happy with what they have together. 

Sometimes it's hard to understand how others are happy in their life if it differs so much from yours. The same things that make me happy won't necessarily make HER happy. 

I just hope that's the case here