Need advice on last name??

McBaby19

My boyfriend and I have been together for just under 5 months and I'll be 13 weeks on Sunday. We love each other unconditionally. I'd like to get married before the baby is born or at least soon after. However he has reservations about marriage in general because of his family. He promises we will get married eventually, but there's no telling when. He doesn't even want to be engaged too soon. He's 20 and I'm 19. This pregnancy was definitely unplanned but we both are happy and blessed. Here's where I need help.

I assumed we would name our child with his last name, since we will be married eventually anyway. However, I've had many tell me i should give baby my last name until we are married to protect myself. We are both young, anything can happen, etc. In my state, the birth of a child to unmarried parents gives the mother superior rights. The fathers name on the birth certificate determines paternity, and rights if it came to a custody battle. These are all things I don't imagine ever happening between us, but it's still thoughts in my head. I haven't discussed it with him yet because I'm not sure how to word it without sounding like I'm taking the child or something. I believe he'll be a great father, but like I said, you never know. I just need reassurance that he's not going to take the child from me, leave me, or anything like that. These thoughts have all come about recently, I think they've been planted by friends and families who have had paternity and custody issues.

So my question is, has anyone dealt with this before? Being unmarried parents, which name you gave the child and whether the father was on the birth certificate or not? If you were in my situation, how would you handle it? Any advice helps! Thanks for reading!

autumn907

I have my first 2 their dad's last name. I was in the military when the custody battle started. He had his big wig lawyers and I had nothing. I'd say give them your last name.

xxstephh

My boyfriend and I aren't married and probably won't be before baby comes (13w5d), so baby will have my last name & his will surely be on the birth certificate.. Once we do get married I'll use his last name
So I strongly advise to use yours until you're married

MusicGirl630

Use your last name. I'm sure you love each other, but 5 months together is not a long enough time period to buy that kind of faith in anyone, in my opinion, regardless of his potential as a life-long partner, and your potential as a couple. Does that make sense? When you get married, you can change it. I would say something like, "I love you and I want to be with you forever when the time is right, but until we're ready and married, I think the baby should have my last name." If you can't have an open, honest, albeit uncomfortable discussion like this with him, your relationship may not be ready for marriage. Just advice from an old married lady. Take it for what it's worth.

brandy1116

I am an attorney in florida, but don't practice family law. Each state's laws are VERY different when it comes to family law. Although TB is a good place to start and get ideas, you really need to speak with an attorney in your state.

Pintobean39

I thought paternity was determined by who is the biological father and not necessary who you put on the birth certificate. I'm no lawyer but I'd think regardless of the baby's last name the father has rights. I know every state is different but I can't imagine any of them not allowing a father rights because the mom chooses a different last name.

I have a friend that isn't married but has 2 children with her BF and their kids have his last name. They have no plans to get married either. I'm sure you can do whatever you want to do.

I also think this is something you need to have a conversation with your BF about.

McBaby19

Thanks everyone for your advice and input!
Update: I spoke with him about it and he doesn't like the idea at all. I explained all the reasons and that nothing has been decided yet and he doesn't think any of it is good enough reason. He sees it as I don't want the baby to have any connection to him if we were to split up. I told him I wouldn't deny him rights or anything like that. And the name would change once we get married. But he thinks it's a terrible idea and kind of closed into himself, like I'd hurt him. For now the convo has been out to rest. This is a rough situation. I'm kind of venting now lol thanks again for all your advice and insight!

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McBaby19

I told him the name would be his once we get married someday anyway. But he doesn't see that happening until we're both financially stable. So at least a couple years down the road. And he says it's weird to have the child have my last name for those years and then change it to his. He's also got a big thing about wanting to pass on his name since he's one of 2 males in his family to pass it on. And all his half sisters have each of their different dads last names. So it's tough getting him to understand without him jumping to conclusions or being stubborn. At first I'd assumed we would give it his last name, but I've recently researched giving it mine. He doesn't understand what made me change. It's just back and forth with two stubborn young people. We've still got growing up to do ourselves, that's for sure #-o

Pintobean39

blackpearl08 said:

Also, it's a real pain for the mother and baby to have different last names starting in the hospital and going through the school years. The odds of you being primary parent in any scenario are high. Give the baby your last name/

My oldest son had a different last name in the hospital, it wasn't a big deal. It's not like they are going to mix up your baby because your name is different. My children have a different last name, I may get called their last name sometimes but otherwise it's not really that big a deal.

McBaby19

Thanks for y'all's insight! I'm glad to have someone on the pro-his-name comment too.
As far as hyphening (?) our names, both of them are kind of long by themselves so I wouldn't want to put our child through a last name with a 16 letter last name lol.
Also, this pregnancy was not at all planned. We are trying to make the best of it. We both love and cherish it and feel blessed for it. We're not rushing into marriage. We're just trying to give this baby the best life we can.

Hconner3

I would use my last name as well. However, I don't think it's immature of him to want the baby to have his last name. So I would try to be sensitive to his feelings as well. I am sure it does hurt that his kid won't have his last name. Just like it would for you if you did split up and it didn't have yours. Basically I am saying use your name, but don't dismiss his hurt feelings! :-)

samiamagirl

Kind of going off of what @Hconner3‌ said, you'll also need to give him some time to mull over the last name decision. Keep the discussion open and make sure you hear what he has to say, hopefully he'll follow your example and hear what you have to say so you can come to a decision you're both happy with.

tiggyt

brandy1116 said:

I am an attorney in florida, but don't practice family law. Each state's laws are VERY different when it comes to family law. Although TB is a good place to start and get ideas, you really need to speak with an attorney in your state.

I definitely agree with this 100%. Protect yourself legally first, and then after you're sure you would have all your rights in a custody battle, then you can make the decision.

FWIW, my cousin had a baby in high school with her boyfriend and gave the baby her father's last name. They eventually broke up and never got married; my cousin eventually married someone else and had some more kids, and her first daughter retained the name of her dad because he was always a good dad to her and still is - there was never a custody battle, just a normal breakup like young people have, but both parents love the daughter and it was always okay she has her father's last name.

Pintobean39

I think to much emphasis is being put on the last name as to who has rights to this child. You are the mother and he is the father and no ones going to take that away from either one of you.

From my understanding you wanted to give the baby his last name but what if he leaves you or you never get married then you would want the baby to have your name. Well what if you get married and divorced, are you going to regret the name then? He wants the baby to have his last name to feel a part of the baby, what he doesn't understand names mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. This is what you both need to realize and make a decision together as parents because that's what you are going to be to this baby from here on out. Trust me there may be many things you disagree on, this is just the beginning. Marriage and parenting is all about working together.

You are both still young and haven't been together very long, marriage or even engagement shouldn't even be talked about at this time in my opinion. I was married and had a child young, you still have a lot of growing up to do. Also, age doesn't determine if anyone will be a good parent, I've seen young parents better parents than older ones.


You still have months before this decision needs to be made. Hopefully by then you both can agree on what to do. Just remember a name doesn't make a parent.

jennadesigns

I think this is a very personal decision and one you shouldn't make lightly. It sounds like you are doing everything right by thinking this through.

I got pregnant with my daughter when my boyfriend and I had been together for less than a year. We had no plans to get married, mostly because I didn't want to get married again (I'm divorced). We talked about it and I told him that because we were not married it was important to me that our daughter have my last name. I told him if we ever got married, we could change her name. He was not fond of the idea at the time, but he eventually came around. I did agree at the time if we had another child that baby could have his last name. Fast forward about 6 years and we are still together (though I still don't want to get married, for the same reasons) and having another daughter. We've talked about it and it's important to him that this baby have his last name. I'm honoring my word. It will be a little weird that my daughters will be sisters and have different last names, and it will be difficult sometimes having a different last name than my daughter, but I respect his position.

I don't think you'd regret giving the baby your last name and then maybe changing it down the road when you guys get married, but I think you might regret giving the baby his last name and then things not working out for whatever reason. It's a very personal decision. Good luck!

marijaa333

My advice is to find a very good counselor (interview 3-4 first) that you're both comfortable with. There is something deeper here at work, and you need to get it all out so you can understand each other's concerns and come up with a solution that works for everyone. Pointing fingers (you're immature; well you're you're selfish; well, you're manipulative) is only going to make both of you dig in your heels more.

With a good counselor/therapist, this process may be a bit tricky but should result in a stronger bond between you.  The last thing you want to do is use the baby as a token of power. And by this, I don't mean that the baby should get his last name (why the father gets to automatically pass on his name and the mother doesn't is so ridiculous to me, but a topic for another thread). What i mean is that you should reassure each other that you care for your family, which includes all three of you, and that you want everyone's needs and interests to be heard, recognized and respected. Once you've had some long heart-to-hearts (in a safe and welcoming environment, i.e. you really need to listen to one another and understand that not everything the other says will be something you like), you'll be in a much better position to come up with a solution that works for you both.

On a practical note, could you come up with an amalgamation of your names? E.g. Wilson and Harris = Harrwil

Legally, at least I would hope, a judge wouldn't care what the baby's first or last name is, but would focus on the rights and responsibilities of the parents toward the child.

gkrenzel

If it were me I would talk to BF and decide together. I don't think baby having his last name should give any extra paternity right...but I could be wrong.
I am also a young mom (20) and fiancé is 24. Baby will be taking his last name, we are planning on getting married before or soon after baby arrives (engaged prepregnancy) and dont want to deal with the hassle of changing name post marriage.
In the end this is a decision for the two of you to make. I would research those paternity laws yourself before making any decisions.

Ibliss

I think either way is acceptable and the decision is one you both should make. DH and I bought a house together when we were dating. Tons if people said to make sure my name was on the mortgage in case we split. For us, we decided just his name for a better rate. (I understand buying a house is not the same as having a child). But my point was do what is right for you both. If it matters that much to BF then give the baby his name. Like PP said, he will always be the father.

CoPilot2012

People have given great advice.

I want to throw 2 cents in to say:

Who cares if it's a long hyphenated last name? If that's what you both feel comfortable with don't let the mouthful of syllabls stop you from making a decision you would both be happy with.

Good luck!

Snapdragon750

So...okay, I'm going to give a much different perspective here, as the child of a divorce from a cheating mother whose father fought tooth and nail for sole custody, spending so much money on lawyers that he lost his house, his business building, and had to lay off all his employees, and he still couldn't get it.  And by the way, we all have his last name.

Why is the BF getting called immature for wanting the baby to have his last name, but the OP is totally justified in wanting the baby to have hers?  Wouldn't he naturally have the same fears of the baby being taken away from him (especially now that OP brought this up to him out of nowhere)?  How is it immature for him to want to protect his parenting rights, but it's totally justified for OP?  Isn't that more likely anyway, given how the law almost always favors the mother in these situations?  Isn't this actually his baby?  Just because he's not carrying the baby in his womb for 9 months doesn't mean he isn't the father, and it doesn't mean that the OP has the moral high ground for these decisions.  If I were the father there is no WAY I would take that conversation well.

We are all moms, and we all want to have the final decision and last word regarding our babies in the unfortunate case of a split-up.  But fathers have rights too, and believe it or not they have the ability to love their children just as much as we do, even if the parents are split up.  Sorry, but they do.  If you were okay with the children having his last name previous to the possible split-up scenario, then I think you should stick with that.  This is someone that you love and you want to marry someday, not a deadbeat babydaddy who you're trying to cut out of your life.  So don't treat him like that.

camdensmom32

My SO and I have been together 6 years and we have a 1 yearold son. Our son has SO's last name and so will this baby. Do whatever makes you comfortable. It can be a pain in the ass down the road to change names.

RustyGirl3

I know its a hard conversation to have and you don't want to hurt him, but you really have to protect yourself. 

Good luck.

rivers714

With my son I was 19 and his dad was 21. We were together for 5 yrs. I loved him unconditionally- the stress of pregnancy and a baby broke us up- my son has my last name and I'm grateful everyday for that. Life is fickle. You can always hyphenate or you can change your and the babies baby name after marriage.

kaynix21

I would use yours, or hyphenate. 

OR if you don't love either of those....skip the middle, give baby a first name, use one of your last names as the middle name, and the other as the last name. Then it has both your names and isn't a "long" hyphenated name.

McBaby19

Thanks everyone! I'd like to thank @Snapdragon750‌ and @Pintobean39‌ especially because their responses have really helped give me insight.

Also I'd like to update/clarify:
My BF and I are young, yes. Stubborn, yes. We've got a lot to learn, yes. But neither of us are immature or childish, especially since this baby has made us take on a lot of responsibility. And I am doing my best to be sensitive to his feelings because I expected them. I didn't go into the convo saying "this is what and want and it's gonna happen whether you like it or not". I said "here's another option, what do you think?" And his reaction was as expected. He was scared and defensive. A little more understanding on his end would've been great but I did spring it on him. And since this morning when we had the conversation I have given him the space and time to think. He brought it up and said he will think about considering it more. I told him that I simply put another option on the table, I have not cleared either one off. And made it clear that we will both decide together, not solely me or him. We've got plenty of time to decide. I have every intention of both of us having equal rights (as long as he doesn't become a deadbeat or something).

So thanks again for everyone's insight, it's greatly appreciated and has helped a bunch! I think I've got it pretty much figured out how him and I will handle this decision.

Jillibean68

So, DS doesn't have my last name. When we were in the hospital, he had my last name (well he was known as baby boy 'my last name', and when we filled out the birth certificate, we used his dad's last name). I didn't even think twice about giving DS his dad's last name. He is his father. DS having my last name wouldn't change the fact that he is his father.
Maybe I live in a super progressive state or something, but no one has blinked twice when they find out that DS and I don't have the same last name, just like i didn't switch to my moms last name when she and my dad divorced. In regards to custody, a last name won't matter in the end.
I don't understand making a big deal over a last name when you plan to stay together. Think of it this way, if you were already married, and then got divorced, would you change your child's last name?

Side note: I refer to him as DH when posting on forums like this because it's easier for me, we don't have that piece of paper saying we are married, but we have everything else.

obimom

I see no reason not to use his last name. My uncle wasn't married and his two children got his last name. His ex is an absolute physco who kidnapped the girls and brainwashed them. Had them convinced my grandma was trying to poison them and that my mom wanted to kill her. He spent a ton of money and lost a lot fighting just for 3 weekends a month and never won.
My husband has his biological dads last name. He has no contact with the POS and although his mom has always wished she changed his last name, it's never been an issue. Nobody associates the name with the scumbag it came from. Now i share it with him and we see it as the roots of a new family tree. It may sound weird but it's special to us.
One last thing I'll add is that DH and I have been together since we were 17 and it sure didn't take 5 months for us to know we were going to marry each other. We did wait until we were 23 though. If it's forever then it's forever. There is NO reason to rush marriage. Especially with baby on the way. Things will change and you want to be sure you both ride the wave.

morgansWed105148

I say yours! But you can always do his-yours! My cousin did that when her baby was born,however I heard children have a very tough time with it.

dj99

My advice would be to first sit down and have a long conversation with your BF. If you two are going to be parents to a child together you need to be able to communicate with one another. At 19 and 20 you both are young, and 5 months does not equate to a long relationship, I'm sorry but it takes more than that to really know somebody. I wish you luck that everything works out but I encourage you to find out and understand your rights as a mom in order to make the best decision for your baby.

lakingsfan2015

blackpearl08 said:

Also, it's a real pain for the mother and baby to have different last names starting in the hospital and going through the school years. The odds of you being primary parent in any scenario are high. Give the baby your last name/

I don't have the same last name as my husband or children and have never had a problem. DS1 is in high school and it have never been an issue at any of his schools.

If I was in a relationship throughout my pregnancy the baby would have their father's last name. If I get divorced from my husband I would not change my sons' last names. Changing a name is NOT EASY by any means!

What are would you do if you give this baby your maiden name, this relationship doesn't work out and down the road you meet some one and get married? You would still end up with a different name from someone.


My not married friend did her last name as the middle name and his last name as the child's last name.

saralynn91

This happened to my SO's family. A guy got a girl pregnant in high school, they broke up and she gave the baby her last name. Well two years later she remarried but the father won't let her change the sons name to her now current last name so the child is stuck having neither parents last name. Makes a heck of a time with school, paperwork, and medical forms!

Pintobean39

Is it just me or does anyone else's skin crawl when someone says "protect yourself, use your last name"?

Holy overreacting, he isn't a serial killer(that I know of), he's going to be a young dad that just isn't ready to get married right now. Fathers do have rights you know.

Pintobean39

And another as far as the last name issue, lots of women now don't even take their husbands last name when they get married. Guess what, their children may have different names from the parents. It doesn't mean jack crap!!!

supersarah77

I didn't change my name when I got married and my kid has a hyphenated last name. Even though I carried her for 9 months and delivered her, the rest of her (hopefully many) years of life we are equally her parents raising her. I really like my last name and couldn't imagine having another one, and hyphenation seemed to represent the fact that our kids are a combination of both of us. Just sharing in case it helps you sort this out in your own life.

Kind of a sad thought, but if half of all marriages end in divorce, many of our kids will have moms who aren't married to their dads anyway, whether they have their last name or not.