Anyone else stuck in a job because of logistics?

greyt00

I've had this job for just under a year.  Lately it has been a mess and is stressing me out.  I am stuck because DS1 has ABA (full-time program w/after hours care) out in the boonies.  It happens to be near where I work.  Everything is located such that DH cannot pick him up before they close, and I could not pick him up before they close unless I work at this place or the last place I worked (which is a pile of fail), or I work from home and could sign off by 4:30 PM at the latest.  In a worst case scenario, I ask my dad to pick him up.  I did that today.  My dad already drives him every morning b/c I would be 20 minutes late if I did it, so I REALLY hate asking for him to pick up, too.  Plus it's dinnertime, worse traffic, etc.  The worst part is this job entails crap that often breaks after 4 PM (there is no changing the time when all this crap happens).  Often I don't know there is a problem until after 4:30 or 4:45 PM.  If you don't leave by about 4:15 PM from where my parents live, forget it.  You won't make it to DS1 on time.  I'm constantly stressed when 5 PM rolls around and stuff is all screwed up.  I was 20 minutes late yesterday picking him up. 

DS2 is at a typical day care that closes at 6:30 PM.  DH picks him up.  If DS1 was there, I'd have DH to fall back on for pick up.  Worst case, my parents could pick up.  We are all very near each other so it wouldn't be a big hassle.  I wish DS1 could be somewhere like that.  I'm stuck in this job until DS1 is done at that place.  We're looking at another year minimum, and really, I envisioned him going to a private school which would probably create a new transportation problem.  It just sucks!!!  I'm in programming and that's not really a big work from home field.  I even thought about trying to go back to my last job.  I didn't like it and it's a step backward in my field, but I got to leave on time.  I don't even care what specifically I do for work anymore, I just don't want to be miserable and feel like a crappy mother because I can't even drop off my child and pick him up!  There is no changing ABA therapy locations.  He is doing well there and they have him doing a great feeding program which has made so much difference.  Not to mention insurance has been paying and if I have go through all that again, I'll probably be institutionalized.  There really aren't any other options anyway for something full time.  We both have to work, end of story.

hopanka

I just discussed this with a friend not too long ago. It's not a simple situation you can just solve with hiring a sitter, these things are unpredictable, based-on-need and usually not that long timewise, so no sitter would want to do this gig for like an hour at a time, at weird times of the day.

What I do in a situation like that is rely on knowing another mom or two from DS's class who can take him as she's picking up her own child and keep him at her house until I get there. It is usually a less than an hour gap between school pick up time and the time I can realistically get there, so basically the time it takes to button up an unexpected issue at the end of a work day.

I have a mom friend who is really cool about this. I just make sure I wine and dine her really well and take her to a movie from time to time, she works for beer, lol.

Can you befriend another mom who would be able to pick up your son and keep him until you can get to her house?

I mean we are talking 20-30min, right? I'm sure someone will be open to it.

ToastieSimons

This is why I don't work.  We have a very frugal budget but we're doing okay.

I have 2 kids with special needs.  DS1 goes to school 5 days a week 9-3 and has 1 private PT session.  DS2 has 7 sessions of EI and 2 sessions of private PT.

I would go nuts trying to fit that schedule in around work.  

Is he going to be in your district when he goes to school?  Are you able to hire a nanny to pick him up?  I would think you could hire someone to drive him to and from and then you just have to figure out the logistics of being home in time, although it sounds like your DH could be home by the time a nanny got him home.  Is this is possible option?

greyt00

I make significantly more money than DH, but he has the health insurance and the 401K.  We'll get killed on taxes this year because I don't have a 401K anymore.  We both have to work, that's not even negotiable at this point.  If DS2 doesn't have special needs, we'll be doing better financially once he's in school. 

How much would it cost to hire someone to drive him?  The thought has entered my mind, but first of all, finding someone I would even trust to do that?  Wow.  I can't even imagine.  I've thought about that more in terms of the morning driving, if something happens to my dad, not as an emergency thing for after work.  If my dad could not drive in the morning, we'd have to do something.  Technically I could say "Hey boss, I have to drive my son to school, so I'll be 20 minutes late every day" and hope it's cool.  Except for OT... he goes twice per week.  DH drops him off (sort of on his way) and my dad shows up a little later to pick him up and take him out to ABA. 

I imagined DS1 would be in private school with a shadow for kindergarten.  A school that the ABA center works with a lot (they allow shadows) is really close to the ABA center.  We'd have almost the same logistical issues... except the after care stays open later.  Until 6 instead of 5:30 I think.  That would be an improvement.  By then I hope I'm comfortable enough in my job to ask to drive him in the morning on the days he doesn't have OT.  If he is still even in OT at that point.  I'm guessing he can't be, since it would infringe on school hours.  I have no idea how that works.  As for public school, I imagine he'd be in our school district, doing to the elementary down the street, in 1st grade if not kindie.  Bus over to Kids R Kids after.  He spent several months at KRK (right after he was Dx) before we pulled him into ABA full-time.  They still remember him (in a nice way, I think) and his last teacher (who will be DS2's next teacher) asks about him on the rare occasion that I see her.  How nice it would be for him to go down the street.  

I don't have any friends.  I'm lame.  My friends are all old friends, scattered in other towns and states.  I sort of know 1 lady 2 doors down.  She has 4 (or 5?) kids including one older one with special needs.  No way I ask her for anything!  I have 1 friend in town, nowhere near me.  

As far as the time I'd need covered assuming DH isn't gone or late, yes, 20-30 minutes is what we're talking about.  I might be stuck at work later, but in theory, DH would get home. 

I'd be totally, utterly $crewed without my parents. 

greyt00

MusicFillsMyHeart said:

greyt00 said:

I've had this job for just under a year.  Lately it has been a mess and is stressing me out.  I am stuck because DS1 has ABA (full-time program w/after hours care) out in the boonies.  It happens to be near where I work.  Everything is located such that DH cannot pick him up before they close, and I could not pick him up before they close unless I work at this place or the last place I worked (which is a pile of fail), or I work from home and could sign off by 4:30 PM at the latest.  In a worst case scenario, I ask my dad to pick him up.  I did that today.  My dad already drives him every morning b/c I would be 20 minutes late if I did it, so I REALLY hate asking for him to pick up, too.  Plus it's dinnertime, worse traffic, etc.  The worst part is this job entails crap that often breaks after 4 PM (there is no changing the time when all this crap happens).  Often I don't know there is a problem until after 4:30 or 4:45 PM.  If you don't leave by about 4:15 PM from where my parents live, forget it.  You won't make it to DS1 on time.  I'm constantly stressed when 5 PM rolls around and stuff is all screwed up.  I was 20 minutes late yesterday picking him up. 

DS2 is at a typical day care that closes at 6:30 PM.  DH picks him up.  If DS1 was there, I'd have DH to fall back on for pick up.  Worst case, my parents could pick up.  We are all very near each other so it wouldn't be a big hassle.  I wish DS1 could be somewhere like that.  I'm stuck in this job until DS1 is done at that place.  We're looking at another year minimum, and really, I envisioned him going to a private school which would probably create a new transportation problem.  It just sucks!!!  I'm in programming and that's not really a big work from home field.  I even thought about trying to go back to my last job.  I didn't like it and it's a step backward in my field, but I got to leave on time.  I don't even care what specifically I do for work anymore, I just don't want to be miserable and feel like a crappy mother because I can't even drop off my child and pick him up!  There is no changing ABA therapy locations.  He is doing well there and they have him doing a great feeding program which has made so much difference.  Not to mention insurance has been paying and if I have go through all that again, I'll probably be institutionalized.  There really aren't any other options anyway for something full time.  We both have to work, end of story.

just a thought.  If you are only talking 20 minutes can you either take DS to school 20 min early (not possible at ours so I do understand if it isn't) or can you adjust your start time by 20 mins?  Give up your lunch?  That might make logistics work a bit better?

If I started driving DS1 in the morning (on days he doesn't have OT), I would be dropping him off 30 minutes earlier than my dad does -- at the earliest time possible -- and I'd still be 20 minutes late.  My dad drops off at 8:30 because that is when the car line opens.  I would drop him off at 8, when early care starts, and walk him in.  My dad waits the extra half hour because it's easier to do the car line and allows more time to get some food in him.  

Now that I've been here almost a year, I thought about asking if I could drive 1 day per week, and take the time out of lunch.  I may do that, as a stepping stone.  I'm not saying a word until first of the year after bonus time is over.  This is a TINY business.  A lot of things have been going wrong lately, and most of them are not my fault, but I'm feeling.... conspicuous.  I'm not asking for anything for a little while.  I hope things get better. 

I can't move my time later because I'm already pushing it to pick up by 5:30 when they close.

greyt00

fredalina said:

I have thought about hiring a driver in my situation but what I found is they would be considered a domestic worker, like a nanny, and thus be subject to the same rules, which means paying their payroll taxes, obtaining worker's comp and unemployment insurance, etc. Which would be financially crippling.

Thank you for the info.  It makes sense.  If we lost our morning driver we'd probably end up quitting OT altogether for awhile, which would be bad, but we'd have to figure something out. 

CrocusPocus

greyt00, I have no suggestions but wanted to sympathize. In a sort of similar situation here and it's so frustrating. I wish more than anything in the world that we could afford for me to be a SAHM or WAHM. Being a full-time WOHM with a SN kid is ridiculously difficult. Hugs.

hopanka

MusicFillsMyHeart said:

greyt00 said:

I've had this job for just under a year.  Lately it has been a mess and is stressing me out.  I am stuck because DS1 has ABA (full-time program w/after hours care) out in the boonies.  It happens to be near where I work.  Everything is located such that DH cannot pick him up before they close, and I could not pick him up before they close unless I work at this place or the last place I worked (which is a pile of fail), or I work from home and could sign off by 4:30 PM at the latest.  In a worst case scenario, I ask my dad to pick him up.  I did that today.  My dad already drives him every morning b/c I would be 20 minutes late if I did it, so I REALLY hate asking for him to pick up, too.  Plus it's dinnertime, worse traffic, etc.  The worst part is this job entails crap that often breaks after 4 PM (there is no changing the time when all this crap happens).  Often I don't know there is a problem until after 4:30 or 4:45 PM.  If you don't leave by about 4:15 PM from where my parents live, forget it.  You won't make it to DS1 on time.  I'm constantly stressed when 5 PM rolls around and stuff is all screwed up.  I was 20 minutes late yesterday picking him up. 

DS2 is at a typical day care that closes at 6:30 PM.  DH picks him up.  If DS1 was there, I'd have DH to fall back on for pick up.  Worst case, my parents could pick up.  We are all very near each other so it wouldn't be a big hassle.  I wish DS1 could be somewhere like that.  I'm stuck in this job until DS1 is done at that place.  We're looking at another year minimum, and really, I envisioned him going to a private school which would probably create a new transportation problem.  It just sucks!!!  I'm in programming and that's not really a big work from home field.  I even thought about trying to go back to my last job.  I didn't like it and it's a step backward in my field, but I got to leave on time.  I don't even care what specifically I do for work anymore, I just don't want to be miserable and feel like a crappy mother because I can't even drop off my child and pick him up!  There is no changing ABA therapy locations.  He is doing well there and they have him doing a great feeding program which has made so much difference.  Not to mention insurance has been paying and if I have go through all that again, I'll probably be institutionalized.  There really aren't any other options anyway for something full time.  We both have to work, end of story.

jjust a thought.  If you are only talking 20 minutes can you either take DS to school 20 min early (not possible at ours so I do understand if it isn't) or can you adjust your start time by 20 mins?  Give up your lunch?  That might make logistics work a bit better?

I think the issue is that the problems arise at the tail end of her work day and she has to take care of them, no matter if she came in early or didn't take lunch.

greyt00

CrocusPocus said:

greyt00, I have no suggestions but wanted to sympathize. In a sort of similar situation here and it's so frustrating. I wish more than anything in the world that we could afford for me to be a SAHM or WAHM. Being a full-time WOHM with a SN kid is ridiculously difficult. Hugs.

Thank you.  I'm sorry you're in this boat, too.  I wish I could even work part-time.... that would help a lot. 

greyt00

MusicFillsMyHeart said:

CrocusPocus said:

greyt00, I have no suggestions but wanted to sympathize. In a sort of similar situation here and it's so frustrating. I wish more than anything in the world that we could afford for me to be a SAHM or WAHM. Being a full-time WOHM with a SN kid is ridiculously difficult. Hugs.

Yes it is I agree.  and honestly I could not imagine working full-time as I am 3 days a week and barely manage as it is.

Could you stop OT?  There is not a great deal of Science to support OT in ASD children unless of course he has OT problems like swallowing, fine motor gross motor BUT doesn't his ABA center work with these?  Ours does.  Or can you get in home OT. I just wonder would this ease your burden a bit OR get an OT to come to his school?  Some around here do that.

I think he really needs the OT.  He has rigid thinking and she helps with that.  He has motor planning issues and fine motor skill issues and she helps with that, too.  ABA helps some, it's kind of hard for me to know what's helping more.  

I don't think we can do the in-school OT.  They don't really do that.  We can only do in-home on weekends.  I don't know if anyone does that.  Sounds like a long shot. 

greyt00

If i missed anyone's reply, I apologize. I'm frazzled at the office! 

greyt00

If i missed anyone's reply, I apologize. I'm frazzled at the office! 

-auntie- said:

What sort of private school are you envisioning? A theraputic ASD school or a more indie type?TBH, the sort of student who is getting ABA isn't usually the kind who would be accepted at most private schools directly from a theraputic preschool. He'd probably benefit from an IEP as he transitions to school and most mainstream academic schools do not do IEPs- they don't have the resources. I know kids who've done well in private academic schools, but they tended to be older kids with very subtle presentations and no behavior issues. DS started at an indie school; it wasn't a good fit. He would have been fine at one in high school, but not kindie and first were hard. If you do choose private, be certain you have a Plan B in place because you could be asked to leave at any time. 

It's actually a private Episcopal school.  My family is not religious, but I don't have a problem with him being exposed to it. Depends on how deep that part is and what they expect. I don't know a lot about it.  His BCBA mentioned it and they apparently send a lot of kids there, sometimes with their own shadows to start.  This school accepts shadows from DS1's ABA center. She knows DS1 and she knows what she's talking about.

He's one of the (if not the) highest functioning kid in his class.  Most kids at DS1's level are probably not getting a lot of ABA, I would guess, due to all the issues we know with "the system" -- cost, availability, etc.  He spends a good amount of time in a bridge class with typical kids and a shadow.  He is doing better and better.  He recently moved from a group of kids that were a little younger than him to kids his own age. Maybe it won't work out, I'm just saying it was raised as something to talk about when they think he's moving toward being done with ABA. 

greyt00

-auntie- said:

greyt00 said:

If i missed anyone's reply, I apologize. I'm frazzled at the office! 

-auntie- said:

What sort of private school are you envisioning? A theraputic ASD school or a more indie type?TBH, the sort of student who is getting ABA isn't usually the kind who would be accepted at most private schools directly from a theraputic preschool. He'd probably benefit from an IEP as he transitions to school and most mainstream academic schools do not do IEPs- they don't have the resources. I know kids who've done well in private academic schools, but they tended to be older kids with very subtle presentations and no behavior issues. DS started at an indie school; it wasn't a good fit. He would have been fine at one in high school, but not kindie and first were hard. If you do choose private, be certain you have a Plan B in place because you could be asked to leave at any time. 

It's actually a private Episcopal school.  

DS first school was an Episcopal Day School. I hope yours is better.

My family is not religious, but I don't have a problem with him being exposed to it. 

My son isn't at all religious, in part because the treatment he got at the Episcopal Day School.

Eek.  Sorry.  

Depends on how deep that part is and what they expect. I don't know a lot about it.  His BCBA mentioned it and they apparently send a lot of kids there, sometimes with their own shadows to start.  This school accepts shadows from DS1's ABA center. She knows DS1 and she knows what she's talking about.

Who pays for the "shadows"? A para can make a huge difference in allowing a child to stay on task and attend to their work in the classroom. But they can also create a barrier between the child and their peers and foster a sense of learned helplessness. IME, an aide can make it possible for a teacher to not take ownership of the student who has one.

We/insurance would pay for it, assuming that we still have the insurance coverage. I was told that billing would be along the same lines as what he's getting now. 

He's one of the (if not the) highest functioning kid in his class.  Most kids at DS1's level are probably not getting a lot of ABA, I would guess, due to all the issues we know with "the system" -- cost, availability, etc.  He spends a good amount of time in a bridge class with typical kids and a shadow.  He is doing better and better.  He recently moved from a group of kids that were a little younger than him to kids his own age. Maybe it won't work out, I'm just saying it was raised as something to talk about when they think he's moving toward being done with ABA. 

It's hard to say. Even though ABA can be appropriate for higher functioning kids, most settings for ABA have kids who are more impaired or atypical.

Yeah, I think most of the kids are more impaired than he is.  He'll spend more time with typical kids and get increasingly less support as time goes on.

I think he really needs the OT.  He has rigid thinking and she helps with that.  He has motor planning issues and fine motor skill issues and she helps with that, too.  ABA helps some, it's kind of hard for me to know what's helping more.  

That's kind of odd. Usually OTs work on fine and graphomotor skills along with addressing sensory issues. If he's becoming less rigid in his thought, that would likely be more of a behavior approach. DS learned to be less rigid doing Floortime and then CBT. It's probably the ABA you're seeing. A couple of the MGW programs address rigidity but more as an unappealing behavior.

His OT works on gross motor skills and fine motor skills.  I probably worded it poorly.  When I said rigid thinking, I meant that he doesn't like to try new things. Working on those skills will require trying new things. For example he doesn't like putting his shoes on.  He never had to do it before.  It's new.  It's also a motor skill.  Lacing beads is a fine motor skill.  He didn't want to touch the beads or the string.  

We originally started OT (before diagnosis) for feeding. Ironically, she never worked on that.  ABA is doing that and it's working. Back then, eating was the big crisis and I didn't realize how far behind the fine motor skills were.

greyt00

MusicFillsMyHeart said:

if you are still concerned with rigid thinking he isn't ready to leave ABA or his team isn't addressing it appropriately (take that moment from a newbie)

I never said he is ready to leave ABA. Note I said it would be another year, minimum.  That's a long time.

I thought a shadow might be a good thing, to guide him through a school day and prepare him for being on his own, somewhere else (so unlikely any same people to see him again and make a stigma) but with a similar structure to follow.