Am I in the wrong here? *Update*

lbonga1

Sorry if this is long; I'm really annoyed. So FI gets a phone call and steps outside to take it. I finish nursing and go outside to ask who it is, and he says it's his ex (backstory: ex is a recovering alcoholic/drug addict that got him in a lot of trouble). I stay outside while he's on the phone, and he ends up making plans with her for tonight. I'm immediately annoyed because I've told him multiple times before that I'm not comfortable with him hanging out with her. When he gets off the phone, I let him know that if he wants to hang out with her, then I am going to hang out with my friend who I recently called out on hitting on me. I've been friends with this person for a long time, and he immediately told me he didn't know what he was thinking and apologized after I called him out. FI had told me after that situation that he didn't want me hanging out with this person, and I said ok without argument.

So now he's pissed off. He went out to his car, and when he came inside, he told me that he never said I couldn't hang out with my friend, just that he didn't want him coming to our house to bbq (maybe I'm remembering what he said wrong, whatever). So I asked him to clarify why he was mad then, since if he's ok with me hanging out with my friend, then he could go on his merry way hanging out with his ex. He said he's mad that I'm even comparing the two situations because she's never made a move on his since we've been together...and after me pointing out examples of when she has...ok well she hasn't made a move on him since the first year or so that we've been together 8-| He says he's mad that someone who was supposed to be friends with both of us hit on me knowing that I'm taken. I told him I get that he's pissed off that he hit on me, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm uncomfortable with him hanging out with his ex. He left and texted me to say he won't be back tonight because he thinks we need some time apart. I told him to have fun staying at his ex's I guess. He told me he's not staying there and will probably stay with his parents, which I don't believe in the least. So now I'm just sitting here really confused as to what he's even really pissed off about, and even more annoyed that he can't just respect the fact that I'm uncomfortable with him hanging out with his ex. If I'm in the wrong here, let me know because I'm just at a loss. And if you read all that, you deserve a cookie.

TL;DR FI is pissed off because I told him I'm going to hang out with a friend who previously hit on me if he wants to hang out with his ex.

*Update* We talked after the kids went to bed. I apologized for being an idiot, and he said he would cut off ties with ex-gf. We also talked a bit about love languages, and we decided that he would like some more physical affection, while I would like some more quality time together, be it with or without the kids. So all ended well, and those are some things we're going to work on

kleigh926

I don't think you're wrong at all. I don't get why he would make plans with his ex, especially one who got him into trouble.... that just feels really off to me. 

SummerLove21

It sounds like a bad situation got heated and didn't resolve effectively.  I can give you my/our personal policy.

We don't hang out with members of the opposite sex alone unless they are family members.  Our one exception to that is a guy friend of mine from high school, who is gay (not that it matters) and that DH signed off on because it drives him nuts to hang out with us.  But I haven't seen that guy in over two years, so at this point, there is no one on the "okay" list.

IMO, it needs to be a mutual policy, and it needs to be agreed on beforehand.  DH tried to do a casual carpool to school (an hour away) a few years ago with a girl, and I shot it down immediately, so he gave her the one ride he'd agreed to before telling me about it and that was it. 

If I put myself in your shoes, yes, it would make me really uncomfortable.  But, I don't think threatening him with what you perceived to be the same thing was the most effective way to prove your point.  I would have restated that I was really uncomfortable with him making plans with her alone (because you can tell guys things 100 times and they won't remember), and I would prefer if he cancelled them or if whatever they needed to discuss be done at our place. If he was unhappy with those two options, it's kind of too bad.  You put your relationship above all else.  But that is me.

Hopefully when he comes back, you both can talk it out and come to a mutual resolution. 

Amstreagle

I actually feel anger for you. You aren't wrong he knows he is so he's spinning it around making you the bad guy.
I'm really sorry your FI is being a douche. FTR if my DH ever wanted to hang out with his ex I'd be getting ready because you bet your ass I'm going and looking amazing while I play nice while the subtext of my conversation would be find your own man!

lbonga1

thejack said:

I don't think you're wrong at all. I don't get why he would make plans with his ex, especially one who got him into trouble.... that just feels really off to me. 

This.. It feels really off to me too. It may not have been the right way to go about it but it sounds like something I would have done too. I can say all day long to DH that I'm not comfortable with [insert something he wants to do] at all, but he wouldn't get it. Most of the time the only way for him to see things my way is to do what you did, and reverse the situation, put him in your shoes.

That's exactly why I said it; to try to get him to see he's being hypocritical. It was the wrong thing to do. I am ok with him hanging out with other girls when I'm not around for the most part; this girl is BSC though, and after trying to have a friendship with her multiple times, she always does something completely ridiculous or relapses, so I don't know why he keeps trying. Also they were together for a long time and had had discussions about getting married, so I don't trust him when he says she doesn't try to make a move on him.

I do appreciate all of your opinions. I sent him a text saying when he comes home we should have a discussion about respecting each other by not seeing people we're uncomfortable with. I also told him our relationship is more important to me than that. He didn't respond, but I didn't really expect him to.

Puck1182

I'm in the minority here in that I don't think it's a huge deal to hang out alone with someone of the opposite sex alone, even sometimes an ex, depending on the circumstances. But my ex was in my wedding and DH will be in that ex's wedding next year, and the only ex DH and I aren't in touch with is one of his, who is best friends with one of my cousins, so if anything I WISH he'd been able to make a friendship with her work since this has resulted in some awkward social situations. So take my view with a grain of salt since I'm a weirdo in that regard, but I think the big issue here by a long shot is that this girl has gotten him in trouble in the past. That would bother me most - male or female, ex or not.

I mean, I get why you'd want to reverse the situation on him, but I think it would have been less likely to turn into such a big fight if you'd kept it hypothetical ("How would you feel like if I were to hang out alone with this guy?") instead of saying you were actually going to, which comes off more as you trying to get back at him, as opposed to trying to get him to see your point of view. Does that make sense?

draeray

Any update? I would have done the same thing you did so I'm no help.

lbonga1

Not yet. We're both very stubborn, so I don't think he'll talk to me until tomorrow.

ally2011

Do they have children together?  If not, there is no reason for him to have any further contact with her.  Ever.  The end.  If that is an issue for him, I suggest you two get to couple's counseling stat because there are some things that need to be worked out before you get married and ideally before you have kids, though I realize that ship has sailed.  How old are ya'll if you don't mind me asking?  His behavior seems very immature. 

ally2011

lbonga1 said:

Not yet. We're both very stubborn, so I don't think he'll talk to me until tomorrow.

Don't you have TWO kids at home?  I do not understand this.  So, if he gets upset he can just leave his kids until he decides to come back?  Um, no.  NO NO NO NO NO.  Therapy.  Yesterday.

lbonga1

ally2011 said:

lbonga1 said:

Not yet. We're both very stubborn, so I don't think he'll talk to me until tomorrow.

Don't you have TWO kids at home?  I do not understand this.  So, if he gets upset he can just leave his kids until he decides to come back?  Um, no.  NO NO NO NO NO.  Therapy.  Yesterday.

Yes! I wanted to tell him I'm sure his kids appreciate him just leaving, but I knew the sarcasm would just make things worse anyway. Since you asked, I'm 25 and he's 29, and he does act very immature for his age. A lot has to do with him being a drug addict for a long time, and he's only recently started making better decisions and acting more mature since he went through rehab. Clearly we still need some work though.

tamarar5

I'm sorry! I have no more advice than what's been said above.  I don't hang out with friends of the opposite sex-- I don't have any friends of the opposite sex that weren't first DH's friends.   DH doesn't hang out with any women outside of work.  We generally visit friends with the whole fam-damly.

Is the Ex trying to make your FI feel responsible for her behaviours? I mean, is it possible that Ex is threatening/promising to do drugs/alcohol or hurt herself unless FI comes over? Is he trying to keep her off a ledge? Is it possible that his wanting to visit is coming from pure intentions? Even if he is only trying to help, I wholeheartedly feel that your FI is the wrong person to be fulfilling this role.  If this woman got him into trouble, then he needs to sever all ties.  And she needs to seek help from more qualified people.

But getting the other person to see this is hard.  My aunt is a raging alcoholic.  Unfortunately, in recent years she has become a nasty, mean drunk.  To the point where she has been charged twice with domestic abuse towards her ex-boyfriend. When she was arrested for her latest DUI (I forget which number 6 or 7 maybe? Disgusting but for another thread...) she had to serve time in jail not only for the drinking, but for violating her last DA parole. She was only just recently released and fully expected that she would go back home, living with her XBF, even though he has told her many times that she isn't welcome.  She's become kind of a trainwreck and he's just steamrolled over by her.  The point is, my aunt won't accept the fact that her XBF doesn't want to talk to her, see her, or be near her.  So she keeps reaching out.

I also agree with DC, that while things get said in the heat of an argument-- and I've said those mean or dumb things too-- going tit-for-tat is never the way to solve a problem.  I think your FI is right in you guys needing some air time away.  You both need a breather to calm down and recharge.

Now, if he genuinely ISN'T staying with his parents, his a$$ would be grass and he'd be on the curb.  (((HUGS))) my friend! I hope tomorrow solves everything!

ally2011

I also think there is a big difference between a plain friend relationship with someone of the opposite sex and one with someone you used to sleep with and do drugs with. The latter has no place in a healthy marriage.

Puck1182

@byebyebooze Thank you for making me feel less alone on the opposite sex friends thing! ;-) And yeah, both parties being comfortable with the friendship is so important, and trust plays a huge role in that. Quite frankly, if you think your SO is likely to cheat on you with ANYONE, I see that as the bigger problem than who they're hanging out with (although in this case, @lbonga1‌, the girl sounds like trouble for reasons entirely unrelated to her being an ex or the possibility of your FI cheating with her, so I get why you have a problem with the situation). As much as DH and I like to joke about our many fictional girlfriends/boyfriends, neither of us actually believes the other will actually cheat, so I DGAF if he hangs out with a girl, regardless of who she is, as long as she isn't likely to get DH involved in anything illegal. :P

singingsea

It's fine to hang out with the opposite sex. I have male friends...DH has female friends.

An ex however is a no go.

tamarar5

Ftr, I wouldn't mind dh having female friends, so long as he never dated them. But that has more to do with my own insecurities than with my husband. And dh just doesn't have any female friends. He says he's on estrogen overload between work and home.

Rynleigh

I am going to attempt to get my blunt opinion out without sounding like a complete asshole... here goes... 

This entire situation sounds immature and ridiculous. Adults in a loving relationship should not be in a situation where either of them feel threatened or upset by their partner maintaining a friendship - those individuals should also be able to take a step back and be able to recognize when a relationship is not within the realm of being platonic - and when it poses a safety or health risk, and to be capable of stepping away from such relationships without their partner needing to explain to them why the relationship makes them uncomfortable. Using ultimatums to get your point across is not healthy. It is on par with passive aggressiveness. Maintaining relationships with former partners outside of necessity due to work or children is almost a guarantee to create unreasonable conflicts of interest. Ain't no body got time for all that. 

Puck1182

Sagen said:

I understand having friends of the opposite sex, but would you all be really be OK with your H going to hangout to movie or a dinner just him and his friend who is a woman? I asked H if it would bother him if a guy friend and I went and hung out alone and he said yes, maybe we are both the jealous type? I actually think I am not the jealous type, but maybe I am?

Yup! Awhile back DH met up with a grl we both went to college with at a sushi buffet for lunch, just the two of them. He isn't invite me because I was working that day. I was jealous, but only because I didn't get all-you-can-eat sushi. ;-)

And I've gone on "dates" with a mutual friend from middle school (who was our best man) when he was in town and I was available but DH wasn't. Truly not a big deal. Especially when it's someone we don't get to see often, why would one of us turn down the chance to hang out with a good friend just because the other wasn't available?

draeray

In my opinion, going out with an ex is never okay. Ever. 

TarheelMama202

ally2011 said:

I also think there is a big difference between a plain friend relationship with someone of the opposite sex and one with someone you used to sleep with and do drugs with. The latter has no place in a healthy marriage.

This. Ally is killin' it in this thread. Saying all the things I'm thinking. 

I'm all about having male and female friends in a marriage. Not a big deal to me. It is a big deal when your fiance, who has recently been through rehab for a drug issue, is hanging out on his own with a female ex who is prone to relapsing. This isn't just a bad choice for your marriage, it is a bad choice for him personally and his sobriety. 

Puck1182

draeray said:

In my opinion, going out with an ex is never okay. Ever. 

My DH would beg to differ. If I didn't get along with my ex-BF, the two of them wouldn't get to enjoy their little bromance. I'm pretty sure they like each other more than they like me. :P Im not saying this is the norm, since ex-BF and I broke up on very good terms, with no lingering romantic feelings, but I don't think it's worth it to cut a good person out of your life altogether just because you dated once. Obviously this won't work if either party has any feelings for the other, though.

ericalee27

Puck1182 said:

In my opinion, going out with an ex is never okay. Ever. 

 I don't think it's worth it to cut a good person out of your life altogether just because you dated once. Obviously this won't work if either party has any feelings for the other, though.

Agreed.  I'm still really good friends with a kind-of-sort-of ex.  We hooked up a bunch in college, stayed close after, and just were friends well before I met DH.  DH knew when the two of them met and they are great friends as well.  My friend is now married, and at least pre-kids, we used to do a ton of stuff together the four of us.   The kids have thrown a crimp into our concert/traveling budget!!

ally2011

Sagen said:

I understand having friends of the opposite sex, but would you all be really be OK with your H going to hangout to movie or a dinner just him and his friend who is a woman? I asked H if it would bother him if a guy friend and I went and hung out alone and he said yes, maybe we are both the jealous type? I actually think I am not the jealous type, but maybe I am?

I would not be ok with it, and neither would my DH.  We have been married 10+ years and together for 7 before that, so it has nothing to do with insecurity.  For us, it has to do with our view of marriage and what it means for us.  I am not sure what the point of having male friends like that would be for me, or female friends like that for him.  I just don't understand it.  Our friends of the opposite sex are all mutual friends.  I know others feel differently, I just don't get it and it is not for us.  50% of marriages end in divorce and marriage can absolutely be challenging at times.  My husband has always said the best way to not make a bad decision is to not put yourself in that position in the first place.  Most affairs, etc. start off innocently, then when the marriage gets challenging, that relationship is there and *can* start looking like the solution.  I am totally not saying that all friendships with the opposite sex lead to affairs at all.  I am just saying it is possible and for us, one of the ways we protect our marriage is just not having those relationships in the first place.  I don't feel like I am missing out on anything and I don't think he does either....I drive him crazy enough, no other women needed

ally2011

Puck1182 said:

I understand having friends of the opposite sex, but would you all be really be OK with your H going to hangout to movie or a dinner just him and his friend who is a woman? I asked H if it would bother him if a guy friend and I went and hung out alone and he said yes, maybe we are both the jealous type? I actually think I am not the jealous type, but maybe I am?

Yup! Awhile back DH met up with a grl we both went to college with at a sushi buffet for lunch, just the two of them. He isn't invite me because I was working that day. I was jealous, but only because I didn't get all-you-can-eat sushi. ;-) And I've gone on "dates" with a mutual friend from middle school (who was our best man) when he was in town and I was available but DH wasn't. Truly not a big deal. Especially when it's someone we don't get to see often, why would one of us turn down the chance to hang out with a good friend just because the other wasn't available?

This I can kind of see, but in that case it sounds like it is still a mutual friend of both people.  I guess I am thinking more of if I had a guy friend that DH wasn't also friends with and we hung out alone from time to time.  I just personally don't see a place for that in my marriage, but totally understand others are different

ally2011

We actually do both have a friend of the opposite sex that we knew before we knew each other, but we have both become friends with each other's friend so they are "our" friends now if that makes sense.  

Puck1182

ally2011 said:

Puck1182 said:

I understand having friends of the opposite sex, but would you all be really be OK with your H going to hangout to movie or a dinner just him and his friend who is a woman? I asked H if it would bother him if a guy friend and I went and hung out alone and he said yes, maybe we are both the jealous type? I actually think I am not the jealous type, but maybe I am?

Yup! Awhile back DH met up with a grl we both went to college with at a sushi buffet for lunch, just the two of them. He isn't invite me because I was working that day. I was jealous, but only because I didn't get all-you-can-eat sushi. ;-)

And I've gone on "dates" with a mutual friend from middle school (who was our best man) when he was in town and I was available but DH wasn't. Truly not a big deal. Especially when it's someone we don't get to see often, why would one of us turn down the chance to hang out with a good friend just because the other wasn't available?

This I can kind of see, but in that case it sounds like it is still a mutual friend of both people.  I guess I am thinking more of if I had a guy friend that DH wasn't also friends with and we hung out alone from time to time.  I just personally don't see a place for that in my marriage, but totally understand others are different

Yeah, we've known each other since we were 12 (possibly longer than that without realizing it, since our dads played in the same softball league since we were, like, 5), and we live in the same area where we grew up so we really just don't have many non-mutual friends, ex or otherwise. I'm sure this is a factor.

lbonga1

I don't mind if he sees certain ex's, but that's because I have met them too, they aren't crazy, and they're married and have kids of their own. I do agree that what I did was stupid. It was a knee-jerk reaction, and it was childish. FI did come home at 2 in the morning last night, after hanging out with this girl and her friends. I haven't spoken to him about it yet because he was complaining he was tired this morning, and that was making me want to tear his face off since he left me to take care of both kids while he went out to have fun. I thought it'd be best to wait until I calmed down. He at least isn't acting like a jerk today, so hopefully when we do talk about it, he will stay civil. I'll update again after we talk.

ggatlanta

I think he was wrong first but you were both wrong in the end. It's not right for either of you to threaten or manipulate. If this is your only method of dealing with your issues, I don't know how you'll salvage this relationship. I don't mean it can't be done but it can't be done in the paradigm you're using now.

tamarar5

Wow! What a productive talk! I'm so pleased that you were able to come to not only a conclusion but an agreement.