advice for a single mom (me)?

poeticartist2013

So short version of my marriage: Six years total, last three were horrific though. Drugs, anger, guns and never coming home from his side. I'm sure my side was nagging and not wanting him to get high. Anyway we mutually separated and are divorced with joint custody of our LO. I am 23 and for the first time in six years I don't feel older than I am. I feel light and happy, ridiculously happy. I have been friends with a guy, lets call him Dave for about eight years. He has always been super respectful of my marriage and even understood when my ex got jealous of us talking and for two years we didn't speak. But now that I am single I've started talking to him again and turns out he has been in love with me since we first met. He heals me and he loves my LO like she is his own. Always has. BUT he has never been with anyone( he wanted me) and he has never even been kissed. He is a total V. I feel like he is way out of my league as I currently am, and that he deserves someone unblemished. Am I crazy to be worried about our obvious differences in experience? As a mother should I stay single until my LO is way older? I don't know what is the best way to do right by my LO.

HisChamaoleGirl

I am not sure why someone's sexual expereince would put them out of a persons league . I dont think you should worry about that.

You'll always be a mother and while I think you should consider your child while dating, I dont think there is a right or wrong age for a child to be for a parent to start dating. I would have also suggested postponing exposing your child to the relationship, but you stated in  your OP that he's been in your childs life for some time.

 

 

dande2129

I just find it interesting that for 8 years he has never been with anyone and in parentheses, you put, "he wanted me." 

Color me crazy, but I don't find that particularly romantic. 

My own opinions aside, no one is out of your league because of past or non-existent sexual experience OR because you have a child. 

poeticartist2013

Sorry it took me so long to reply, we were best friends in high school and then due to personal family issues I had to move. But we kept in constant contact everyday thru text. Then when I was with my ex for three years and we got engaged my ex became jealous of our corespondence and told me I couldn't talk to him anymore. So I honored that and for almost three years we didn't talk, but it was a noticeable absence to me and I missed it and I thought of him often and felt horrible about how we had to stop talking because he was such a good friend. I never thought of dating him until I found him again after my divorce, and he said he liked me. When I said he has always loved my lo I meant that while most men balk at the idea of a woman with a child, and say things like "well, I guess I can handle that" (happened to me) he said he loved the idea of getting two girls to love instead of just one and that kids, no matter who their birth parents are, are precious. He lives in Kansas and I am in Texas so he won't be seeing my lo anytime soon, but he wants to come down and see me again. He has only told me that he has thought about me thru all these years and the only thing that kept him okay during the years we didn't speak was thinking that I was happy. I want to see him in person, by myself of course, again before I make the decision to date him. But I'm not used to all the attention he gives me since my ex ignored me for years unless he wanted something, or was never home. I'm use to having to basically beg for affection and this friend from my past is giving it freely so it makes me feel undeserving.

ggatlanta

It's not too soon for someone in your baby's life but until you work through the issues that led you to be in (and stay in) your previous unhealthy relationship, you won't have a healthy one. Of course that can be done, even without professional help if you have the ability to work twice as hard at looking at yourself honestly. But I would recommend therapy as you embark on your new relationship - tell your therapist when you feel insecure and why, tell your therapist when you feel needy and why... Because this insecurity you're feeling wants watching.

Also your new guy sounds great, but it's not healthy to be SO attracted to a married lady that you save yourself for her. What if you and your husband had stayed together? Would new guy have died a virgin? That's only romantic in movies. In real life it may mean he is only interested in imaginary, idealized relationships - but the real question is why that is. Make sure he's up for a real-life, in-person relationship, and not just up for saying all the right things.

poeticartist2013

You give very good advice, and as soon as I read it I had to show it to my sister who agrees. I feel like I need some healing before I begin and I need to meet him in person and see what he is expecting, and if he is doing as you say and is only interested in imaginary relationships. Thank you for the advice, I don't want to bring someone into our lives who isn't meant to stay.