MIL/FIL told entire....read: entire......family.......

kreardon11

Hi Ladies,

So my DH has been getting random "congratulation" messages from his family on this pregnancy. Apparently his parents told the entire family (50+) people. I am mortified. We just went through a very traumatic loss for us and we had to wait a long time to try again, and naturally we are scared of another loss. I called his mother to discuss and she had the audacity to say "well, when you told us you told your cousin, we thought we could tell everyone" after they promised not to say a word until we are 20 weeks. I'm in a total state of shock. My husband made it very clear that this was an invasion of our privacy and what they've done was not okay.

I don't even know where to go from here with them since I feel completely betrayed and lied to. Any advice??

issytex12

Firstly sorry for your loss i hope you are find a way to heal after your traumatic time. Not in the same situation as you but certainly know the stress of having inlaws who act insensitively towards your wishes/requests. Sorry theyre making life harder than it needs to be right now! Hope everything goes smoothly for you xxx

BackstreetPixie

I'm so so sorry. I don't know what to say but i would be so upset. I would disable social media accounta for a while but that is just me. ::hugs::

E&B0811

I am so sorry. Since its your ILs Id let your H handle it but one thing I might consider is sitting down with them - both you and your H - and really driving home the point that what you share with them in confidence should be taken as such. It sounds like you tried to include them in this happy news of this pregnancy and they completely over stepped. Perhaps your H has a better handle on whether or not you should share sensitive info with them in the future or just wait until info is ready to be fully public.

mrsjg2013

I'm sorry that this happened  My IL's definitely have issues respecting my wishes, but when it comes to our pregnancy, they are the opposite of yours it seems.  My MIL hasn't even said "Congratulations," or, "I'm happy," or anything of the sort.  I don't have any great advice other than to let your H deal with them so that you don't have to go through the stress- my H is in charge of talking to them about anything pregnancy related if he chooses to... it's not going to be something I bring up with them (MIL specifically) from here on out.  She's replied inappropriately/hurtfully too many times, so I'm just trying not to put myself in that situation.

Danielle0311

Wow I'm so sorry and I would feel exactly as you do. I would keep them at arms length for the rest of the pregnancy on regards to telling them other big news. Only share with them what you want the world to know. It's crappy that it has to be that way

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SaraL1175

I'm so sorry. I would be very clear to them that a violation like this means they cannot be trusted with special news, so they have to wait from now on to hear until you make public announcements.

LuvLoveXo

I am so sorry. My MIL has overstepped her boundaries and for that reason she was the very last person we told with DS before we announced on FB. This time around will be similar. To this day she does not know about my loss not does anyone in my husband's family. I agree with @snegde‌ & @GrailSeeker14‌ I wouldn't tell her anything until I was ready for everybody to know. Unfortunately that may also mean the birth. I just can't understand why a woman who's a mother herself would act that way. I don't for one minute believe that they were too excited or didn't know any better. I think it's a shame. Hang in there & set the boundaries now. Looking back I think by me doing that I saved myself a lot of aggravation.

goldengirl84

It just blows my mind that the people who raised our amazing husbands can be so very stupid. I'm so sorry. I would be liiiiiivid. Sucks for them they lost your trust. I sure hope they realize how inappropriate it was to share your news and I hope only the best can come out of their mistake (ie family being supportive, etc).

haleyusf

No advice but ((hugs)) for you.

beemaya83

snegde said:

So so sorry. I am a bitch so I would not inform them of other big moments for the rest of the pregnancy (ie sex or even when I was going into labor). If they aren't genuinely sorry then I would not be sharing anything else with them anytime soon. What they did was disrespectful and inconsiderate. It wasn't their news to share.

I'm like @snegde ! I would even go as far as not sharing the sex of the baby. This is pretty much the only surprise you can keep to yourselves. I'm sorry to hear they told the entire family.

StephieMK

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this!! My MIL told a couple people almost immediately with our first pg as did my own mother. So when I mc 6w3d, I made them go un-tell them. Unfortunately my mother forgot to tell my aunt, who wished me a "happy Mother's Day mommy-to-be". I was only 3wks post loss at that point. So with this pg, I didn't really want to tell even our parents, but with our situation and DH's parents helping with fertility treatments, we felt like we had no choice. Now MIL is pushing us to tell this person or that person. They just don't get it!

I agree with pp...leave them in the dark about everything else!

jap618

snegde said:

So so sorry. I am a bitch so I would not inform them of other big moments for the rest of the pregnancy (ie sex or even when I was going into labor). If they aren't genuinely sorry then I would not be sharing anything else with them anytime soon. What they did was disrespectful and inconsiderate. It wasn't their news to share.

This. My MIL told her sister about our first pregnancy before we lost it after I specifically asked her not to. She tried to reason with me that bad things could happen at 8 months too (thanks for that MIL) and begged to tell all of her sisters. Then I was in a room with her and her sister and she just yells "OMG so can I tell her?" and obviously she guessed.

I didn't tell her about anything from that point forward. For 2 years she was completely in the dark about my other miscarriages and what we went through. She isn't a bad person but I learned that she couldn't be trusted with the secret. It sucks but you find out who you can trust real quickly. I'm sorry she did that to you.

pblge

I'm so sorry. ((Hugs)) It does sound like she might have been genuinely confused about who she was allowed to tell, but she should have asked for clarity. My mom did this to me about my first miscarriage. And she continued to tell people other things about our infertility even after the stern talk she'd gotten about what a betrayal of trust that was. Some people just aren't capable of keeping a secret, and you just have to understand that about them and work with that flaw. Is this her first grandchild? It will be for my parents, and I think there's a level of personal investment there that I don't fully appreciate.

peggels24

No advice but just wanted to say that I'm sorry that it happened  ((hugs))

kreardon11

LuvLoveXosnegde. Preach, girlfriend. 

On a side note, I'm just praying we don't have another loss. That would be heartbreaking. I know pregnancies don't get "jixed" but I just feel like she put a bad vibe into the universe. Gahhhhhh, these damn pregnancy hormones. 

Thank you so much for letting me vent. It definitely put a damper on our weekend, but it was very theraputic to see that my response and feelings aren't crazy. Thanks again ladies. 

tigerlynx31413

I'm late to the party and really can't add anything better than the other ladies said. I just wanted to say I'm sorry your ILs betrayed your trust that way!

Belle0720

UGH, I'm so sorry that happened. I feel mad for you! I would probably let them know that it was wrong of them to tell people against your wishes, and that not only are you scared about another loss but that it's your news to share when you're comfortable and not theirs. Moving forward I agree with PPs that I probably wouldn't share the news about the baby's sex with them before anyone else.

kreardon11

pblge said:

I'm so sorry. ((Hugs)) It does sound like she might have been genuinely confused about who she was allowed to tell, but she should have asked for clarity. My mom did this to me about my first miscarriage. And she continued to tell people other things about our infertility even after the stern talk she'd gotten about what a betrayal of trust that was. Some people just aren't capable of keeping a secret, and you just have to understand that about them and work with that flaw. Is this her first grandchild? It will be for my parents, and I think there's a level of personal investment there that I don't fully appreciate.

pblge - Yes first grandchild...which I get. But it's OUR first child. I just keep thinking. They've had their own experience. Why would you steal ours? I know I need to drop this, but I'm just so hurt. 

ToriGirl2014

Sounds like it's time to have the boundary-setting talk.   Sorry this happened but it's a good opportunity to have that discussion since you're bound to need to have it at some point.

MH, ILs and I have had a few instances where we've needed to hash out what we expect those boundaries to be.  While it hasn't been the easiest thing, we've been able to work through it and I think there is a level of mutual respect between us that had not been established before.

That said, there are also people who will not respect boundaries even when they are well-defined, in which case I would go @snegde 's route and just cut off their ability to overshare by just not sharing.  It's not clear to me which camp your ILs fall into; hopefully, they will respond well to a frank discussion.

pblge

kreardon11 said:

pblge said:

I'm so sorry. ((Hugs)) It does sound like she might have been genuinely confused about who she was allowed to tell, but she should have asked for clarity. My mom did this to me about my first miscarriage. And she continued to tell people other things about our infertility even after the stern talk she'd gotten about what a betrayal of trust that was. Some people just aren't capable of keeping a secret, and you just have to understand that about them and work with that flaw. Is this her first grandchild? It will be for my parents, and I think there's a level of personal investment there that I don't fully appreciate.

pblge - Yes first grandchild...which I get. But it's OUR first child. I just keep thinking. They've had their own experience. Why would you steal ours? I know I need to drop this, but I'm just so hurt. 

You have every right to be hurt! I just reread what I wrote and I realized that it sounded a bit insensitive (sorry!). I was just sharing my own thinking that has prevented me from throttling my mother, which I was very tempted to do. I don't think she has any idea how much she has damaged what used to be a very close relationship between us. Betraying your trust, especially during such a vulnerable stage, is a HUGE DEAL!!!

((hugs)) This is definitely a crappy situation, but remember: she did NOT jinx it! (although I TOTALLY get that thinking!)

Drgn30

i'm so sorry that happened to you.  i echo what others posted.  ((hugs))

taberbtb

I think PP's gave you some good advice to just stop telling your IL's anything if any importance. I have great in-laws, and instead it is my own mother that suffers from an unfortunate case of verbal diahrea. It's why we chose not to tell my parents until we were out of 1st tri, and they know nothing about my first pregnancy/loss.

TBH, it's shitty to think its up to me to keep the secret from her instead of being able to share things with her and trust her to respect my wishes but it has saved me a lot of heartache.

chicagojackie

snegde said:

So so sorry. I am a bitch so I would not inform them of other big moments for the rest of the pregnancy (ie sex or even when I was going into labor). If they aren't genuinely sorry then I would not be sharing anything else with them anytime soon. What they did was disrespectful and inconsiderate. It wasn't their news to share.

This. My thoughts exactly. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

kreardon11

Thank you again ladies. The most recent update is that we both talked with his mother and she has stated that we have made her feel like an idiot, and that she was disrespected. The nerve. She is no longer speaking with me now. I guess that's a good thing - less stress? 

tigerlynx31413

I swear some people just can't see beyond themselves! Again I am sorry, but I agree, less stress for you!

kj808

kreardon11 said:

Thank you again ladies. The most recent update is that we both talked with his mother and she has stated that we have made her feel like an idiot, and that she was disrespected. The nerve. She is no longer speaking with me now. I guess that's a good thing - less stress? 

OMG. I'm livid for you in the first place but now she has the nerve to make herself a victim?? Wow. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this and i'm with pp's that she would definitely NOT be privileged to any other information about the pregnancy.

chicagojackie

kreardon11 said:

Thank you again ladies. The most recent update is that we both talked with his mother and she has stated that we have made her feel like an idiot, and that she was disrespected. The nerve. She is no longer speaking with me now. I guess that's a good thing - less stress? 

She IS an idiot, and RUDE. What a piece of work.

Oh, SHE was disrespected? Now SHE's the victim in this scenario? Wow...she takes the drama cake. I would just let the situation cool down for awhile and mind my own pregnant business.

taberbtb

kreardon11 said:

Thank you again ladies. The most recent update is that we both talked with his mother and she has stated that we have made her feel like an idiot, and that she was disrespected. The nerve. She is no longer speaking with me now. I guess that's a good thing - less stress? 

I would just think "perfect". Now you have no reason to talk to her about anything. She has cut herself out of your pregnancy/life. Save you having to do it, but maybe that's my don't give a sh*t self talking. ;;)

pblge

Oh dear God. Some people are just hopeless. Sorry you're dealing with this!

longcat07

what a shitty situation.  i'm sorry your ILs betrayed your trust like that.  it sounds like you have a good plan for going forward, and i'm glad you and your H are on the same page with it.  good luck.

RustyGirl3

I am so sorry they did that to you.

(((HUGS)))

Bigboneded

So sorry you had this happen! Yeah, my first reactions are to not tell anything else to them first and to let her know she can do the "untelling" if there is another loss. My husband expanded the circle of who knew this time without discussing it with me first- and I was pissed and said the untelling would be his job, too- he freaked and wanted to know if anything was wrong. It wasnt, but we havent had that problem again. So far, so good. ...
((((Hugs)))) and I hope this is the worst you have to face this time around. I wish you a happy and healthy and easy rest of your pregnancy. In laws can be difficult.