DH Rant, input appreciated

cetrump1123

Last night my husband decided to spring on me that he committed us to go to his step moms for xmas. Her and his dad split up 10 years ago but we still get together with her and her family for holidays bc she was in his life for a while. Don't get me wrong bc I enjoy getting together with that family bc it reminds me a lot of my own family gatherings, but she lives 2 hours away. Traveling on Xmas day with a 10 week old was not on my agenda this year and I was really annoyed that he committed without even discussing it first. Of course then when I sounded annoyed I am the bad guy for making him move away from his family. I really think he has no idea how long of a day it's going to be, especially since I want to be home by early evening to go to my Nan's house where extended family will be. He didn't even get it when I said that traveling Xmas day won't be an option was dd is old enough to understand Xmas and presents. He still thinks traveling will be acceptable. Like I said,it's not that I don't want to get together with them, but spending 4 hours in the car Xmas day is not my idea of fun. Oh and I would love to hear his plan for our dog that day. Then the icing on the cake is that he told me his dad and sister are coming next Sunday to visit. His dad hasn't seen dd since she's been born and his sister hasn't at all yet so I get they want to visit...but that's my birthday. Granted it's not a big birthday (turning 29) and who knows if we would really do anything anyways, but it's the principle of the matter. He didn't even know that it was my birthday!!! And then I get the whole, "well you don't need to stay home, go do what you want". Ugh, so frustrating bc clearly I will feel obligated to stay and visit. Is anyone else traveling Xmas day? How are you handling traveling with such a young baby? I had told DH I want to see Mockingjay and he has no interest. Is it bad if I plan on going to see it with friends when his dad and sister come? It's not that I have anything against them, they are fine in small doses, but it's my birthday and I feel like I should be able to do what I want and not worry about entertaining people. Idk maybe I am just acting selfish and spoiled about both situations...I'll blame it on hormones

victoria+james

No real advise about what you can do at this point other than it sounds like you and your H need to sit down and talk about him making plans With you, not For you.

I think you're completely justified in being upset about both of these things. I also think that if you guys choose to cancel either of these get togethers (or postpone) it should be hos responsibility to explain it. You shouldn't have to feel like the bad guy when you were never consulted in the first place.

AmandaJean12

I would be really pissed if DH thought he could plan our holidays without me, but I wouldn't worry about the drive if that's your biggest concern. LO is going to nap regardless... Why not in the car? Heck, I'd make him drive and take a nap myself.

Emerald27

Sounds like you and DH need to communicate better. Sheesh!

2 hours in the car is a perfect nap time. It's extra work on Christmas Day, but being with family is what it's about and sometimes we have to drive to get there. I would go, especially if it's important to DH - just ask him to discuss with you next time.

I would also NOT go to a movie with friends when my FIL and SIL are visiting. Go to the movie and celebrate "your way" the next day. Your inlaws are your family too. Celebrate with them! Honestly, I found this part of your post childish and selfish (though I suppose I don't know the whole situation).

cetrump1123

Emerald27 said:

Sounds like you and DH need to communicate better. Sheesh! 2 hours in the car is a perfect nap time. It's extra work on Christmas Day, but being with family is what it's about and sometimes we have to drive to get there. I would go, especially if it's important to DH - just ask him to discuss with you next time. I would also NOT go to a movie with friends when my FIL and SIL are visiting. Go to the movie and celebrate "your way" the next day. Your inlaws are your family too. Celebrate with them! Honestly, I found this part of your post childish and selfish (though I suppose I don't know the whole situation).

b I guess one of the problems I have with SIL is the was she acted when DH and I got married. She was very difficult and not so nice to the other bridesmaids, my mom, and DHs biological mom. Not to mention the night before the wedding she decided to share a story of how she walked in on DH with a girl in bed when they were in high school.

ariel06

A two hour drive with a baby is very doable. Next year, not as easy. I would just probably tell your DH fine as long as you're back to see your family too. From now on, you both need to discuss holiday plans before committing to them.
Be the bigger person with SIL and FIL.

MuffinMom14

It sounds like you just want us to agree with you. But I'm not sure because I'm exhausted and that is a huge wall of text.

So. Go to the movie? I don't know.

mb314

I agree with what the others have said. We are driving 5 hours for thanksgiving. 2 hours isn't that long. But I would be annoyed that plans were made without consulting you.

I think either your DH needs to rescheduled the ILs visit or you need to suck it up and be there. They are coming to see you and the baby. Unfortunately, as you get older and once you have kids, your own birthday becomes less of a big deal. And even if you don't love your SIL, you need to suck it up bc she is family and you're stuck with her (and even though that high school story may have been inappropriate, I don't see that as a big deal, but then again, I don't care what DH did or who he dated before I met him)

MrMrsandBaby

I'm confused about this part, "He didn't even get it when I said that traveling Xmas day won't be an option was dd is old enough to understand Xmas and presents. He still thinks traveling will be acceptable."

Why not?

MrMrsandBaby

And yes, you are being selfish by giving him crap about this just so you can go to your family instead.

But you two need to talk about holidays going forward. It will only get harder.

MuffinMom14

Me thinks you hate your ILs, and that very little of this has to do with the baby.

Dani0329

Sorry DH is making plans without consulting you!  

We are traveling for 3 hours to our parents for Xmas, but our DD will be 9 weeks old.  

jenndub

We go to 3 different places on Christmas Day, all of them are my DH's family (his parents are divorced). It's a bit of a hassle but everyone is so happy to see us and the kids that I feel it's worth it. And it makes my DH so happy to spend that day with his family.

As far as your birthday goes, it sounds like you're being a baby about it. And if your DH doesn't know when your birthday is, you have bigger problems than should I go to the movies.

bumpuser10309732

When we didn't live by my IL's I always came out here for Christmas. When you don't live by your family traveling is part of the deal, probably better get used to it now! When my Husband was gone all the time we'd spend half the time he was home in the car. Not my favorite but you do what you have to for people you love. Also you don't always get along with the sisters. I try really hard with my sister in law but it's always a pissing contest for her with me for some reason. It is what it is I still make an effort with her. Suck it up butter cup! Definitely tell him to communicate next time or you'll throat punch him.

vrj0522

cetrump1123 said:

Last night my husband decided to spring on me that he committed us to go to his step moms for xmas. Her and his dad split up 10 years ago but we still get together with her and her family for holidays bc she was in his life for a while. Don't get me wrong bc I enjoy getting together with that family bc it reminds me a lot of my own family gatherings, but she lives 2 hours away. Traveling on Xmas day with a 10 week old was not on my agenda this year and I was really annoyed that he committed without even discussing it first. Of course then when I sounded annoyed I am the bad guy for making him move away from his family. I really think he has no idea how long of a day it's going to be, especially since I want to be home by early evening to go to my Nan's house where extended family will be. He didn't even get it when I said that traveling Xmas day won't be an option was dd is old enough to understand Xmas and presents. He still thinks traveling will be acceptable. Like I said,it's not that I don't want to get together with them, but spending 4 hours in the car Xmas day is not my idea of fun. Oh and I would love to hear his plan for our dog that day. Then the icing on the cake is that he told me his dad and sister are coming next Sunday to visit. His dad hasn't seen dd since she's been born and his sister hasn't at all yet so I get they want to visit...but that's my birthday. Granted it's not a big birthday (turning 29) and who knows if we would really do anything anyways, but it's the principle of the matter. He didn't even know that it was my birthday!!! And then I get the whole, "well you don't need to stay home, go do what you want". Ugh, so frustrating bc clearly I will feel obligated to stay and visit. Is anyone else traveling Xmas day? How are you handling traveling with such a young baby? I had told DH I want to see Mockingjay and he has no interest. Is it bad if I plan on going to see it with friends when his dad and sister come? It's not that I have anything against them, they are fine in small doses, but it's my birthday and I feel like I should be able to do what I want and not worry about entertaining people. Idk maybe I am just acting selfish and spoiled about both situations...I'll blame it on hormones

While he probably should've talked to you about it first, it sounds to me like your husband made the normal assumption that you'd be going to your MIL's like you normally do on holidays. A 2-hour trip should not be that difficult to make with a young baby that will probably sleep most, if not all, of the time. Just nurse/feed right before leaving and you should be completely fine. Also, I find it funny that you are annoyed that he made plans to see his family because it might conflict with your plans to see your family. Sounds to me like you are no better than him in that sense… you both want to see your families. 

As far as your birthday goes… seriously? The fact that you'd rather go out with your friends (can't you celebrate with them on a different day?) than spend time with your husband and his family, who are coming to see you and the baby by the way, just because they are coming on your birthday, shows a lot of immaturity. 

mariek312

Dynamics with in laws are so hard sometimes. I know you're getting some tough love but I have to agree that this sounds pretty loaded from your end. I can understand your feelings, but I disagree with how you are thinking about handling it. Family is forever and I can only imagine the domino effect if you aren't home when they visit--someone will give you attitude next time, you'll have that as an excuse to be mad...what came first the chicken or the egg kind of thing. Having kids makes family come together to visit and it is a great a time as any to put the past where it belongs and try to move forward. How long have you been married? This kind of thing reminds me of early years when figuring out how to divide holidays can be big drama, but you two need to get on the same page. It can't always be "fair" to every extended family member but the two of you need to feel like you have a balance that works for the family you've created. Good luck, I hope you find a solution you and your husband can feel united in.

Aurora1181

I can't remember the last time I went to the movies.. Celebrate with your family (in law) and see the movie another day.

imagine7696030614

Guess I'm an odd one out because I can understand your frustration. Sounds like he doesn't really consider your feelings and it's not acceptable to make plans without you. I don't blame you at all for not wanting to be stuck in a car for 4 hours on Christmas Day, though I agree, the baby will probably nap the whole time. As for the birthday, sounds like you had plans to go with friends and then dh made plans to have his father over without talking to you, AND didn't realize it was your birthday? Sounds Lind of inconsiderate to me. I know fil and SIL haven't seen baby yet but why not? Probably more to the story but bottom line, like everyone else has said, you both need to work on communication. Good luck!