Making a mountain out of a mole hill? — The Bump
Nurseries and Baby Gear

Making a mountain out of a mole hill?

My MIL has a friend who offered to give her a crib to keep at her house for when our baby is there. Last week DH and I were at MIL and FIL's house for dinner and I asked MIL if the crib that the friend will be giving to her is a drop-side crib. She said that it was. I asked if we could fix the railing in some way so that it is stationary. MIL looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Are you serious? You're kidding right?" I explained to her that I was serious and that drop-side cribs aren't made anymore because they're a safety issue. And that I'd prefer if we could just make the railing stationary. She then told me that there isn't anything wrong with the cribs, but instead it's the dumb parents who don't assemble them properly and don't secure the railing properly and that it's silly to want the railing stationary. She also said "it used to be that we didn't have seat belts in cars either!" But then I said something to the effect of "no, there weren't seat belts in cars for a long time. But now that we have them don't you put yours on every time you get into a vehicle? There weren't car seats for babies for a really long time, but didn't you always put your kids into them every time you got into your car? If we have something that is safer now why not use it? Isn't it better to be safe than sorry? Well DH was very upset and said that I was being unreasonable about the crib and that he would not be backing me up on this issue because both he and I were in drop-side cribs as babies and we're just fine.

I'm just worried that this will be the first of many issues with her (whether or not I should put a bumper and blanket in the crib, when I should stop breastfeeding, when to start solids, how I should discipline my child, etc.) Am I making this a bigger issue than it really is? I talked with SIL about it and she thinks that I should nip it in the bud right away by insisting that the railing be fixed or buying a mini crib to keep at their house instead (she knows how MIL can be). She also thinks that we need to have a talk with our family members about how we want them to give their opinions on things with the baby, but that in the end we will be the ones making the final decisions. I just really hate having any sort of confrontation with them. How do you feel about the drop-side crib? And is the crib really the issue, or is the issue more that she is not wanting to respect my wishes with the safety of our baby?

Just a little extra bit which is sort of eye-rolling funny to me: SIL's baby shower was last week. She was telling me what she got for the shower (a nursing pillow and a baby carrier, among other things) and she said "I didn't get the ones they registered for because I didn't like the way they were made. I much prefer these instead." I love her to death, but she won't be the one nursing and carrying the baby around in that pack....the parent's will!

Re: Making a mountain out of a mole hill?

  • Oooooohhhh boy...... You've got some IL issues....

    To answer your question, no, drop side cubs are no longer made and they are illegal to sell now. There is a reason for that, and it's not because they were put together wrong.... The railing needs to be fixed. If the company is still around, you should be able to contact them for a kit to fix the railing.

    As far as your MIL-she sounds like she is being very dismissive and disrespectful. This is YOUR baby, not hers. You and YH are the ones who make the rules for your child an I she can't respect them, she doesn't get to watch the baby. It sounds like she won't be careful with carseat safety either....

    You and YH need to have a serious discussion. You are his wife and soon to be mother-you are his primary family, not his mother anymore. He needs to respect you and your wishes. If the two of you have a disagreement, it should be solved between you.

    I don't mean to sound dramatic, but things don't get easier once baby is here. Put your foot down when you need to and stay strong! Good luck with everything!
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  • It's such a rough thing because I love my IL's so much. I know she would never purposely do anything to put my baby in danger. I understand that she has raised children and all of them still have all of their pieces and parts and they're all healthy. But like you said, this is my baby we're talking about. I'm the mother. I love them so much and we generally get along very well. I don't want a problem with her. 
  • Oh geez!!!

    First of all YH needs to totally support you not his mommy!

    Second, i am not the panicker type but I would not put my kid in a drop side crib! We got one used for a vacation house we own and I made sure MH fixed the side with some brackets (totally easy peasy btw) and that bed is for our almost 3yo.

    Stand your ground in a nice way but stand your ground. You are the parent and you need to be the ultimate decision maker. But i'm shocked that YH won't take your side!
  • The crib thing is a big deal.  Chances are the crib was recalled and should not be used until it is properly fixed.  Get the model # and check for recalls.  Then show them the recall and offer to get the repair kit for it to be fixed.  If they disagree, then buy a safe crib.
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  • psk said:
    Simple solution: if they insist on using a drop-side crib, don't leave your baby there.
      I agree. You need to stand your ground on this. If you don't, it will escelate!

     It's your decision as the mother. If you back down on this, next thing you know she''ll be giving your baby food items at inappropriate times (like solids too early) and not using carseats or using them wrong (after being instructed). Trust me....it's not so much about the crib (I had a dropside for my kids but am getting a new one for dd) it's her attitude about a simple fix for it.

     As far as your dh-well again you are the mother so he's going to have to accept your safety choices. Hopefully he will support you-he may not but at least you are doing what you feel is best for your child, which in the end is very important.
    leela02
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  • You aren't making too big a deal out of this. I had to tell my in laws they couldn't use DH's drop-side crib. But they had the appropriate response, which was "Oh! Those are unsafe? Thanks for telling us! What should we do for an alternative?" I recommend you just have a frank but respectful discussion with her where you lay out that you want her to be involved but if you don't feel she will respect your choices as the parent, that's going to mean she won't be alone with the baby. It's completely her choice. And shame on your husband. He needs to google drop side cribs and educate himself before jumping to his mother's defense.
  • As you know, this isn't about the crib.  It is about the grandparents respecting your views on how your child is raised.  I would be frank with her. I am with my ILs.  But I also try to let the smaller things go (like MIL bribing DD with cookies to get dressed in the morning during her annual visit). 

    Things are different now.  Not better.  Just different.  And it is your choice how your child will be raised.  Yes, DH has a say too :) but if he can't get on board with current recommendations over those that were followed 30-odd years ago then you've got bigger problems yet. 

    I would acknowledge to MIL that while it can be difficult to adjust to a new way of thinking, you need her to be on the same page as you with the things you find MOST important.  Because you want her to have a close relationship with her grandchild.  But she can't expect you to be comfortable leaving your child with her if she is unwilling to follow modern safety guidelines.  And then do try to let some things go (extra TV time, extra sweets).

    It will be rewarding for all of you.  Watching my DD's relationship with her grandparents grow has been the most magical thing I've witnessed, next to her bond with me and DH, of course.

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