How would you handle this situation?

ladyteach0505

I am 4 months today and have not announced my pregnancy at work. People know that I'm friends with but I've not had a "Hey guess what" convo with the masses. I'm having a very hard time believing that everything will go okay because it feels too good to be true still.

So today someone came up to me and said,"People are asking me if you're pregnant and can I say something because it's making everyone uncomfortable that you're not talking about it." I was totally shocked. I was like "Um sure?" And she said, "Well you're not being yourself. You need to be excited."
I literally didn't say anything because I was still shocked this was happening. She then said "You don't tell me things anymore. You're different." I then said "Well yes I'm different. Infertility changes you." And then I got out of the room.

I then found out from my teaching partner that this same person came to her a minute later and was trying to gossip about me. Thankfully she's a great friend and didn't say anything to her and told me.
I then confided in another friend who told me the same person came to her and was trying to get info on me.

I am thinking of saying something to her when I go downstairs for my planning period but honestly I'm just offended. Like um, way to mask your gossip as "caring".

Let it go or say something?

Everyone is pregnant at work. (Seriously 5 other people.) I feel like I can't relate to these "normal" people and I guess I feel like my situation is personal and it's being sort of stepped on as in I owe everyone an explanation.

southernyankeegirl

I'm really proud of you for saying, "Infertility changes you."  It's a truth that I don't think people get, at all.

I would be direct with her, and say something to the effect of, "I appreciate you care and want me to be excited, but it's my pregnancy and it's my right to share or not share as I see fit.  If others ask you directly, feel free to tell them I am pregnant, but anything more about my pregnancy and level of excitement isn't appropriate to be spoken about in hushed tones behind my back.  If I don't want to talk about it, that's my right. I am certainly excited, but I am scared of something going wrong, and that's a very personal battle that I don't feel I need to share with everyone who happens to be curious.  So I would appreciate it very much if you would help me quell the gossip to simply acknowledging that I am pregnant if someone asks but otherwise just letting me keep my personal business private."

MKateG

Im not really saying this as to give advice, how you handle ir is up to you. Sorry your having to go through this at work. Its none of their business. But personally I told everyone at work when I was 11 weeks (with twins- I couldn't have hidden my bump much longer). I also was very open about us doing ivf to get pregnant. I kind of used it as a way to educate/bring awareness to ppl about infertility. That is a very personal thing to share so I can't tell you how you should handle it. I kind of just told ppl like it wasn't a big deal and everyone was super sweet and supportive. I also understand not feeling like you can relate to "fertiles" but I can tell you, for me, I have gotten a lot better with that. I feel like I'm now entering a new stage in life as far as my IF is concerned.

gsancho

I would say something to her.  You don't have to have a long, drawn out discussion with her about it.  Just get your point across that you know she's been asking about you, appreciate the concern, you are excited and aren't necessarily trying to hide anything but people that dealt with IF often have a longer period of worry where they are overly cautious.  If it's making other people uncomfortable (which she's probably exaggerating), that's too bad but it's not your priority.  

I'm at the point where if people ask me, I let them know.  Word is spreading and I don't really care.  They often ask me if I'm excited b/c I'm hard to read and it's not like I'm throwing glitter everywhere.  

But honestly, most people at work probably don't even think twice about my pregnancy once they get past the point of confirming it's true.  We think about the whole "do people at work know" situation way more than they do.  It sounds like that girl just has too much time on her hands - I'm sure others know her as a gossip.

southernyankeegirl

@gsancho - I LOL'd at "It's not like I'm throwing glitter everywhere"

When people have wanted to ask me lots of pregnancy questions, I have been saying, "Honestly, I'm so excited to have a baby, but there's not much to do while pregnant except wait. It mostly just takes care of itself at this point."

ladyteach0505

gsancho said:

I would say something to her.  You don't have to have a long, drawn out discussion with her about it.  Just get your point across that you know she's been asking about you, appreciate the concern, you are excited and aren't necessarily trying to hide anything but people that dealt with IF often have a longer period of worry where they are overly cautious.  If it's making other people uncomfortable (which she's probably exaggerating), that's too bad but it's not your priority.  

I'm at the point where if people ask me, I let them know.  Word is spreading and I don't really care.  They often ask me if I'm excited b/c I'm hard to read and it's not like I'm throwing glitter everywhere.  

But honestly, most people at work probably don't even think twice about my pregnancy once they get past the point of confirming it's true.  We think about the whole "do people at work know" situation way more than they do.  It sounds like that girl just has too much time on her hands - I'm sure others know her as a gossip.

Ha. But yes! I am not throwing glitter everywhere and that is not license for you to judge how excited or unexcited you perceive me to be.

pblge

Agree with PPs' advice. I think we early pregnancy ladies have only just begun to experience the judgment from others about how we are and are not acting, feeling, eating, etc. Being firm or ignoring, to my view, are the only real solutions. I love SYG's language above for addressing the coworker.

But I'm totally going to buy some glitter today. How do you think that will go over at faculty meeting when my pregnancy goes public?

ETA: Meant also to add that I'm sorry you're dealing with this!

Lady2010

I agree with what PPs have said.  How you feel and how you handle pregnancy is no one's business.  Everyone is different in how you feel - and you may act differently with just your spouse / close friends / family vs just other acquaintance / friends, etc.

I think it is normal to feel this way - especially for us ladies who have gone through so much to get to where we are.

I personally would have been less polite to that person but maybe I am just a b****h  

CarSaidYes

Wow. Sucky situation. Sorry you had to deal with it. I would def say something along the lines of we were blessed to get KU the 1st month we tried and I would appreciate if you didn't go around asking about my IF journey. It's very close to home still and a private issue I share with my husband. Thanks for acting concerned. And don't think you can't relate to these other pregos at work. They may have needed assistance too. Maybe they don't speak about it. But regardless you guys are pregnant and can share experiences. Try to not let it get to you. Easier said than done. :-/

ladyteach0505

I suppose I can see that. I guess my thought is the people at work who "don't know" are the ones I'm not really friends with so it would be awkward to go and say something. Do I post a picture on Facebook and let the news spread to the ones I'm not FB friends with? It's just so awkward to me... Of the five pregnant only one told me in person. I never did ask or talk to the other four because we aren't friends. I just heard about it and then, because I'm not friends with the people, didn't think much else of it, you know? It's just so weird to me...

Pintobean39

I agree so much with @IFinTN‌. I honestly don't think everyone regardless of IF has to throw glitter about being pregnant, everyone is different in how they handle pregnancy. I think it's more that you are now 4 months and showing and you aren't talking about it. That would make anyone uncomfortable, because they just don't know how to act around you. I'd just casually mention it when talking to people and everyone should quit talking about it behind your back.