Introduction and questions *siggy warning*

purpletulip

I don't remember what is in my signature since I'm mobile and its been so long since I've been active. I apologize if it's hurtful to see photos.

I just lost my son Zeke Monday night at 9.5 weeks old. He fell asleep nursing in my arms, I had dinner with visiting family while holding him, checked on him and he was gone.

I miss him so much... And I can't get the image of his dead body out of my head. Does anyone have any thoughts on that? It feels traumatizing.

I know some family and friends babies that are right around his age and right now I feel like I cant handle ever seeing them.
There are also places I'm scared to go again. Am I going to be fearful the rest of my life? Places and people that remind me of him, and if we are ever blessed with another baby how will I not be a nervous wreck?

I know this is disjointed but I can't put together coherent thoughts right now. I'm desperate to talk to other moms who have had loss.

bunnybun4

I am so sorry for the loss of your son.  I honestly can not imagine losing a baby that you have held and gotten to love on for several weeks.  There are a few moms on here that have lost infants that I am sure will chime in with answers.

in my own personal experience, all I can tell you is that it always hurts and you never forget but it does get much easier as time goes on.  Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time...it literally just happened so of course you are in shock.  I found that every week I felt myself get a little bit better...but I still have my moments of not being able to handle things pop up every now and then.

((big hugs))

BLPL101

I'm so sorry.

Bgirma

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son, Zeke.

My first child was born in December 2013 and though a different circumstance than you, I very much feel that parts of my experience with my son were traumatic. I sought out counseling and while difficult for me at times, it is very helpful to have that space to process my thoughts and feelings. When you feel up to it, maybe you can check out some counseling resources? Do you have any local infant loss support groups? I attend one at a local hospital that is so helpful.

Please know that you aren't alone and your feelings are valid. I felt like I was in a daze for weeks and the idea of being around a baby my son's age haunted me for months. It is a gradual process to healing and I'm still working on it, almost 11 months later.

-----PgAL mentioned----
I'm 18 weeks along with our second child and it's exciting, terrifying and.. intense, I guess. But I never thought I'd be strong enough to try again and here I am. And our first son will always be our first baby- he has a stocking (well, it's ordered!), we have a plan to celebrate his birthday and so many ideas for how to honor him in our family for the rest of our lives.

I don't know if any of that is helpful but know that I'm thinking about you and your family and sending as much strength, healing and love as possible.

CherryPicked

I'm so, so sorry.  

I lost my daughter at 8.5 weeks old.  Your grief is fresh and you are in shock and that is okay.  Be kind to yourself and focus on getting through one moment at a time.  Lean on the people around you when you need to.  With time, I have found that it takes less energy to live from moment to moment.  You will never stop missing your little boy because you will never stop loving him.

We are all here for whatever you need.  

CheesyPeas

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss of Zeke.  My loss was much different than yours (stillbirth) but I totally understand the haunting images and the fear of seeing babies that were due around my daughter.  I'm more than 4 months past my loss and still have major anxiety over pregnant bellies and babies.  I wish I could tell you that everything gets better with time but I'm not there yet.  I can tell you though that the days as a whole do become easier and the grief becomes less all-consuming over time.  I hope you find the support you're looking for here.  Please lean on us in whatever way you need.  ((hugs))

lexusolsen

I'm so sorry for your loss. I am almost eight months out from the loss of my son, Ben. I also suggest seeing a therapist and finding a support group. Both have helped me, although in different ways. I have found that as time passes and I deal with my emotions more it gets easier to deal with. Kind of like a chronic pain... You get used it it being there and learn to cope or compensate in different ways, does that make sense? My recovery time on a difficult day is also quicker. We will always have hard days.

It is difficult to look at pictures or hear stories about other babies the same age. That part has gotten a little easier too. It's ok to avoid babies and other triggers for a while. Eventually you will need to deal with that but it's still really recent. I've also found that these situations are better if I prepare myself for them and if I don't place any expectations on myself. We always have an exit plan. We've left birthday parties early, or even decided at the last minute not to go. Most people will understand and I have found that the people who don't get it, aren't worth my time.

Be kind to yourself. I'll be thinking about your family.

mrslucid

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Big hugs.  I lost my daughter at the end of August, she would be four next month.  I know how hard it is, just be gentle with yourself.

hsabyan

I'm so sorry for your loss. Although it was different circumstances, I lost my daughter when she was 5.5 weeks old.   

I am now six months and three days past that day and I can tell you that the pain is still there.  I hurt every day.  I have yet to hold my 2.5 month nephew because the last baby that I held was my own and I'm not ready to let that go yet.  I still avoid the baby section of stores.  Pregnant women and babies still make me anxious and sad. BUT I'm not where I was five months ago.  I am able to get through my days without unexpectedly breaking into tears (at least most days).  I know that I have triggers, but I'm mostly able to get past them until I am home and get cry where I feel in control.  I didn't believe people when they said that things would get better, but they have- even if only slightly.  We will always miss our babies, but I've found that the only way for me to live without her is to live for her memory.  I find ways to honor her as often as I can.  I think about her throughout every day.  I talk about her with those that are open.  I talk to her when I am alone.  

The pain and despair that you are feeling are a testament of the love you have.  Be gentle with yourself and lean on those around you, as your loss will open your eyes to a whole new community you may not have known existed- and they will understand you and the pain you feel because they have felt it themselves.  We're here with you.  (((hugs)))

ikrystal

**ticker warning**

I am so sorry for your loss.  I can't even imagine what you have been through.  I read your post about three times just to make it sink in. Like previous ladies have mentioned, please lean on us for whatever you need. Sending lots of love and prayers to you and your family.  

jenn.schott

I am deeply sorry for your loss.

With the loss of my son, I continued to play the last 24 hours of his life in my head over and over again for months, especially at night. I would have breakdowns because it was the only thing I could remember out of his almost 2 years of life. Eventually it passes even though I can still vividly remember holding him as he slowly let go and his last breathes.

My best advice is to take one day at a time. I don't believe (right now) that it ever gets better but you learn how to cope differently. Leaning on your loved ones during this time. My DH has been my rock since he understands and knows what I have been through since he went through the same.

((Hugs))

stefuge

I am so sorry for your loss of your son Zeke. Our experience was very different, our son was stillborn, but still so traumatic, as the loss of a child always is. Be gentle with yourself, take it moment by moment, day by day, and the burden of grief will be less and less painful. One of the moms on here said this on her blog recently - they will never move on, but will move forward, carrying the memories of their sons with them. I love that. Please know that we are here whenever you need us.

Littleowl913

I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine your pain. Though are losses are different, I have felt talking about my loss (even talking to myself) has helped even though tears are streaming down my face so feel free to lean on this board.

msunshine123

I am so very sorry for the loss of you son Zeke. The pain is so fresh and overwhelming in the beginning. You will never forget your son, but I do think the pain lessens a little with time. For now do whatever it is you need to do to get through each moment of each day and be kind to yourself. It's been over 5 months since I lost my son  - support groups, this board and counseling have been a great help to me. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Maybe Joleisa

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son, Zeke. I've found comfort in visiting this board and have learned a lot from these ladies--mostly that what you are experiencing now (fear of going places, incoherent thoughts, replaying the events, etc...) is all normal and with time you will eventually live forward. ((hugs))

angelsnight

ticker warning

I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Zeke.  I love his name btw.  My loss was different, stillbirth, so I can't imagine the pain you are going through.  But as with all losses, the pain will always be there, but it won't always be this hard to breathe.  I would also recommend seeking counseling or a support group, and blogging also really helped me, whether public, private or both.  I found that sometimes I just needed to talk about it, and repeat things I had said over and over again, to attempt to understand, and all of those resources helped me do that.

I will be praying for you and your family, big hugs mama, and please be gentle with yourself.

Mel&John2013

****siggy warning

I'm so sorry for the loss of Zeke. What a great name!

Don't worry about your scattered thoughts, there is no way your brain can function normally right now. Or for awhile. 

I lost my son when he was nearly 8 months old and I'll be honest...I still struggle sometimes being around babies or seeing photos. I do ok if I have plenty of warning, and if the kids aren't the same age my son was when we lost him or the age he would be now. If either of those are the case I just avoid the situation and most people have been very understanding of that. I don't tell you this to scare you and make you think it will never get better, but to let you know your feelings are normal. 

Same with going to certain places. It will get easier, but at 6 months past my loss I do still have heartache at certain locations. Places I went with my son, or places I wanted to take him. Your feelings are natural, I assume we all have them. All you can do is be kind to yourself and let your heart ache in the way it needs to. 

erinel

***sig warning***

I am so sorry for your loss.  I also lost my son, he was 5.5 weeks old, and he passed away in my arms.  Our situations were different, my son caught a virus and passed away after a four week struggle in the NICU, but I'm sure a lot of the feelings are the same.

Like others have said, it does somehow get a little easier.  I still cry daily (it's been 9 months today since he passed away), but not all day like I used to.  I still have a hard time with other babies, and mostly don't come into contact with them like I used to.  That is hard, because I've always loved babies, but it just doesn't seem right after losing our son.

As far as getting images out of your head, I think that just takes time.  I still get those image flashbacks, but not every day, and for the most part I picture our son when he was alive.

Have you looked into therapy or support groups?  I think that talking about Q frequently really helped me.

As far as not being a nervous wreck with another baby, I don't think I can help you there.  I am pregnant again now, and although nervous about the pregnancy, I am SUPER nervous about after this baby is born.  It is just a struggle that I have chosen, and if you choose to do it in the future, I'm sure you will be able to handle it in the best way possible.

BrittianyM

**TICKER WARNING**

 

 

 

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy Zeke. Love his name by the way. We lost our daughter, Brooke,  at 11 weeks and 4 days old due to SIDS. No parent should ever lose a child and I am so sorry you are now going through this. We are all here for you when ever you need us. If you would like to talk please feel free to PM me. Sending thoughts and prayers your way!