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Just lazy or is he right?

I am 25 weeks pregnant and go to school full time. I keep up on my house pretty well the only thing I seem to get behind on is laundry and we live in quite a large house at over 3500 sq ft. My husband doesn't pick up after himself at all, not even dirty cups, dishes, or garbage. So I am left to doing everything. He does work, but his job is extremely flexible for instance, he hasn't even left the house today. I told him earlier that we needed to go to the grocery store and he said "you need to clean the house" there are a few things that need done like hanging up clothes and putting away the things we used on our mini vacation we came home from Tuesday night. However I asked him why he hasn't done anything today, like you know "you haven't done anything today, you could hang up the clothes or put away your luggage" to which he replied and told me that he shouldn't have to because it's my job to do everything in the house. I'm feeling pretty beat down at this point. I do my best to get everything done for school and at home and he is literally napping right now while I am trying to start a 10 page paper for a class. That's due tomorrow. I really don't know how to get across to him that he needs to help. I've tried to tell him or ask him for help but he just makes excuses or leaves and does his own thing. I'm so frustrated and stressed out! What should I do?!

Re: Just lazy or is he right?

  • If you negotiated at some point that all the cleaning was going to be your responsibility, I would say it is time to sit down and renegotiate. If he just assumed that he wouldn't have to do any housework, he may need to be reminded that Leave It To Beaver has been off the air for decades. Unless he wants to pay for a housekeeper, he needs to help out.
  • Give him a specific list.  My husband has the best intentions and still has trouble sometimes.  If he has concerns about the work you're doing around the house, then present him with a list for both of you.  Today you need to do A, B, C and I will commit to do D, E, F.
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  • Managing a household and making a home is a shared endeavor. Marriage should be a team effort. If one partner is so exhausted and stressed, they really can't meet their own needs, let alone the needs of their partner.

    1. You are going to school full-time? I assume the end goal is some type of degree and career to follow? If so, then you are investing in your family's financial future every bit as much as your DH, despite the fact that you are not earning money at the moment.
    2. He lives there too. At the VERY least he should clean up after himself.
    3. You are pregnant and need extra rest.
    4. Tell him the above and then sit down and figure out who should do what around the house.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User][Deleted User]Bigboneded
  • I think you should hire a house help . Even my husband is lazy and hates doing the household chores and the funny part is he doesn't expect me to do it either and before we realize the house looks rundown ,dirty and the chores just pile up and with the baby to take care it gets too stressful . We hired a househelp. She comes twice a week and helps me with all the laundry and cleaning .
  • I feel like your husband is being unreasonable.
    DH works and I stay home, so I take care of the house, but he is still a grown man and knows I'm not his maid.
    Picking up after yourself is common courtesy not a chore that should be assigned to a spouse.
    I think having a serious conversation about how his behavior is affecting you is needed ASAP.
    Plus if his schedule is more flexible than yours because you're in school full time, shouldn't he be picking up some of the slack like a caring adult partner would?
  • Sounds like you need to have a refresher course in communication. If you two are nattering at each other over petty and simple tasks now, wait until babe arrives.

    Sit down when you are both calm and discuss what needs to be done and who will be responsible for those chores. Talk about ground rules when you are both too tired to think after being sleep deprived for a month with a newborn.

    Also, get on top of the laundry now. You don't know laundry until you've had a kid. Parenting's dirty little secret.
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  • Your full time job is school.
    Your second full time job is being pregnant.

    His second full time job could be cleaning the house.

    He is being an asshole and dont you dare let him get away with that. When the baby comes, he will be the first one to say...lo is your job. Bullshit.
  • DH works and I stay home, so I take care of the house, but he is still a grown man and knows I'm not his maid. Picking up after yourself is common courtesy not a chore that should be assigned to a spouse.
    I couldn't agree more with this! Regardless of whether he thinks his job is more strenuous or time-consuming than school is for you, he needs to clean up after himself and be an adult. I'm a SAHM with our LO and don't mind taking care of household tasks being that I am home with him and my husband works outside of the home, but I wouldn't be okay with DH deciding to just give up and leave dirty dishes and clothes all over the house. 

    The fact that your husband would respond to your comment about going to the grocery store by telling you to clean the house is incredibly disrespectful. The two of you need to have a serious conversation about his attitude, especially before your pregnancy progresses and you get even more exhausted than you are now. Once your LO arrives, you're also really going to need him to step up to the plate.

    If he has time to "leave and do his own thing" and nap right now while you're working on papers and doing your best to keep up with the housework, I personally don't think it sounds like you need hired help as PPs suggested. IMO, you need him to kick in gear and do his part.
  • I think you should only clean your clothes, pick up after yourself, only cook and shop for yourself, you mentioned you have a big house so I'm guessing you have an ensuite bathroom plus a main one. Give him the one he mainly uses you use the other and let him discover how quickly toilets need to be cleaned.
    Any nice things you used to do stop, buy food you like and he hates, hide the nice food, make yourself toast or any kind of food that leaves crumbs like cookies and eat it on his side of the bed.
    Let the bin overflow, vacuum half the house, if he leaves stuff lying around leave it there for 48hours and if not gone then hide it or bin it.
    Then when he realises that you are his other half his partner his equal and not is inferior slave- renegotiate.
    Because things are bad now it's going to get worse once baby is born. His behaviour for a grown man is appalling so I think it's fair to change your behaviour to be more on par wit
  • Agreed with PP from talking and renegotiating to showing him that if he dosent pick up after himself his gonna be left with a dirty house. I am also a SAHM and my H works more than full time being in the army and he still comes home to help me and even does the dishes on the weekends because he understands that I am doing some schooling and taking care of our little one keeping house clean and being preggers takes a lot out of a yea your guy is sounding lie some kind of douche.. Good Luck and make sure your voice is heard.

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