Present for second baby shower

beattykid

So my husband's evil sil is the most gift grabby attention whore you will ever meet and she is (of course) having a second baby shower. We apparently have to go so I was wondering what an appropriate gift might be. Mind you we weren't actually sent a real invitation just a text from husband's brother. The shower is Saturday and he texted last night. It has apparently been mentioned before to husband but I don't understand why no invite in the mail. We did lose our first this summer and would be having our own shower right around now if all had gone well. So that could be it but I don't care. They shouldn't even be having a shower. Oh and they are having it at their house, so I guess they are throwing it themselves. So how much do we have to spend on this new nephew we will never see or spend any time with? We are only invited to things which require gifts so we will see him at Christmas and birthdays and that is it.

Thanks in advance.

VOR

Well, a text last night does NOT mean you "have" to go.  You really don't HAVE to go.  It's close enough to the weekend that it's very feasible that you're busy. 

You're clearly annoyed - why perpetuate it?  Why let them think that you'll jump and run to every gift giving event?

That being said, if you do go, I'd just pick up a small outfit.  I don't spend more than $10 for 2nd showers.  Granted, I've only been invited to one, but that's my rule.  An outfit for less than $10.

beattykid

My husband wants to go. He is very sad about the demise of his relationship with his brother. I love my husband and I'll go for him and do my duty, but I'm done trying to make things better with them. I've tried for 7 years and nothing works. The sil's behavior when she found out we were going to have a baby was the last straw for me. I won't subject my future children to someone so awful, but if my husband wants to go, I'll stand with him and bring the smallest appropriate present so as not to cause a big thing by not bringing anything.

ccam

In this situation, I would buy an outfit and call it a day.  Maybe throw in a book.

Helenahhandbasket

I can relate to being angry/ upset at the world after a loss.  Feeling like you are obligated to go to a baby shower doesn't help either, so I understand the frustration.

If this were me, I would go to the baby shower for my H.  Spend what you can comfortably afford-- whether that's 10.00 or 100.00.  Don't let your SIL's gift grabbiness/ etiquitte breech/ annoying persoanlity dictate what you feel like gifting her, because to me, even spending one second trying to specifically find the "smallest appropritate gift" is spending your energy in a negative way. 

Good luck to you, and I am sorry for your loss.

 

 

beattykid

Thanks ladies.  The truth is I am pregnant again which is the only reason I can stomach going.  We haven't told anyone and won't until Christmas at the earliest.  I want to get the smallest appropriate gift because the truth is I feel incredibly spiteful towards them and I'm tired of them getting my hard earned money.  My husband and I were married last year and his brother was his best man and I made the sil a bridesmaid because my mom said it was the right thing to do and we never received a single wedding gift from them.  I pride myself on giving great and thoughtful gifts.  Honestly, I know I'm good at it and I have a great job and can afford to do it but I just want to send a message that that time period is over.  I will do the minimum that etiquette requires because I was not raised to be a tacky bitch and I owe that much to my mother, but that is it.  This money train has left the station.  

Edited to add:  I'm not new to this family, I have been around longer than sil we just waited years to get married.  I'm just the go with the flow doormat-esque one and it takes a lot to piss me off, but once I am mad it takes a lot to get over it.  Also I don't think you can ever forgive a person who doesn't want you to have your baby and lets you know that.  Especially after you lose it.  

Helenahhandbasket

OP-- congrats on the pregnancy-- that's awesome!

I still think that if you pride yourself on giving thoughtful gifts (I do too, actually!) you are doing yourself a disservice by going out of your way to give something "small".  It almost seems like more effort, you know?

Anyway-- that's all I will say. You will have to ultimatley decide what you think is right.  I wish you a healthy and uneventful pregnancy. 

beattykid

Darbie914 said:

First things first, I'm sorry for your loss but very happy for you that you are pregnant again.  Congrats!

Second, I'll just say that I completely understand how you feel.  Completely.  I've had people in my life like your SIL and it's not unreasonable that you feel the way you feel.

With that said:

1) You don't have to stoop to her level by being spiteful.  You can take the high road approach, give her a gift that you want to give/can afford, and move on.  Not attending her shower or giving a pack of diapers likely won't send the message you're hoping she receives.  She's not going to change because of this. 

2) If your husband is trying to make an effort with his brother and try to strengthen their relationship, I can see conflict happening between the two of you.  Because SIL/brother are a package deal and you can't take one without the other.  But with her reaction to your last pregnancy, I can certainly see how you would want to avoid her.  So you and your DH may need to have a really long talk about this and how it's affected you, your feelings towards her, and why you need to limit your relationship with her.

3) In my personal opinion, I don't like to play tit-for-tat.  What happened at your wedding and not getting a gift from them should have no bearing at all on what you do in the future.  It just seems to perpetuate negativity and keep it going, when that's an area that you could really let go.

4) If you want to go to support your DH, that's one thing.  But you are an adult and you are never forced to do anything that you don't want to do.  If people get pissed, the world will still turn and they will get over it.

Lots of luck!

Just fyi this has been years in the making.  My husband supports me 100% and I support him 100%.  She hurt him just as badly as she hurt me when she was angry we were going to have a baby.  He wants nothing to do with her, but he misses his brother.  I realize that he and his brother will never have a decent relationship with her in the picture, and my husband does too.  But he can't distance himself in the way that I can because it is his brother.  I totally get that and he is the reason I am going.  It is just frustrating and painful to watch him get treated like shit and not be able to spit in her face.  They have a daughter who my husband would love to have a relationship with as he is her only uncle and in the three years she has been on this earth he has seen her maybe 10 times.  So, I'm letting the spite come out a bit and I don't care.  Being nice has gotten us absolutely nowhere.  

Sorry, I'm obviously still seething about all of this.  I just wanted to let you know I'm not some harpy who is going to make my husband feel worse to get my jollies. I am a robot with his brother and sil and I will go through the motions and say, oh I'm so glad and Congratulations when necessary but I will be closing my eyes and thinking of England and leave at the first opportunity.  

PrimRoseMama

I'm sorry for your loss. I might be in the minority, but I would pass & send a card. You don't sound like you are in the best place to attend. Take care of yourself first.

Maybe send H by himself? In that situation I'd get an outfit, & a Sophie squeaky-chew toy.

I know the emotional pain after loss, but please remember it's not your SIL's fault or this new baby's fault that you lost your baby. It's unfair to take your pain out on them. Your SIL might be a PITA but some of your description sounds a bit unfair & I'm wondering if your own emotions might be clouding your perception?

I don't agree with second showers. So you can simply choose not to attend. There is no rule that you have to go because she is family. (((Hugs)))

I

PrimRoseMama

Yeah, you sound way too angry & resentful. Send your husband & do something for yourself that day. Trust me if we can sense your resentment, anger, spite & dare I say vitriol over the internet than your presence all of this will obvious.

Do everyone a favor & don't go.

melody921

If you're going, I would opt for a cute outfit and maybe a favorite book.

But seriously, I'm with some of the others on here. I think it's best to sit this one out.

leela02

Congrats on the pregnancy! 

As for the shower gift, how about a few dollar store toys that make noise? My little nieces and nephews love them until they fall apart, which takes about 10 minutes. Their moms hate those things...

But seriously, just give her a cute board book. And I agree with letting hubby go without you.

Samiantha101

Your sil may be gift grabby, but you don't exactly sound like a peach yourself.

lexusolsen

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you have an uneventful pregnancy with your rainbow. I think you should sit this one out. You can be supportive by buying the gift. If everyone knows about your loss, then they should understand why you aren't there.

tigerlily25

I would fake sick and send a gift.

AggieMom0809

It's not your husband's SILs fault you suffered a loss. While an invitation by mail would have been nice, it's becoming more common to send and email, evite, fb, or text invitation. I would go and spend what you normally would on a shower gift, but if you're not going to be able to be pleasant for the event, then you should just stay home and not ruin their happy moment. 

Amstreagle

AggieMom0809 said:

It's not your husband's SILs fault you suffered a loss. While an invitation by mail would have been nice, it's becoming more common to send and email, evite, fb, or text invitation. I would go and spend what you normally would on a shower gift, but if you're not going to be able to be pleasant for the event, then you should just stay home and not ruin their happy moment. 

Insensitive much? Your attitude is truly disturbing.

AggieMom0809

Amstreagle said:

AggieMom0809 said:

It's not your husband's SILs fault you suffered a loss. While an invitation by mail would have been nice, it's becoming more common to send and email, evite, fb, or text invitation. I would go and spend what you normally would on a shower gift, but if you're not going to be able to be pleasant for the event, then you should just stay home and not ruin their happy moment. 

Insensitive much? Your attitude is truly disturbing.

I see the OP as being insensitive. The SIL is wanting to celebrate a happy occasion and if the OPer is going to attend, it would be rude if she's not going to be happy for the stm to be

AggieMom0809

Darbie914 said:

It's not your husband's SILs fault you suffered a loss. While an invitation by mail would have been nice, it's becoming more common to send and email, evite, fb, or text invitation. I would go and spend what you normally would on a shower gift, but if you're not going to be able to be pleasant for the event, then you should just stay home and not ruin their happy moment. 

Oh fuck the fuck off already. Every single comment of yours is geared to instigate others. If you really think she should be jumping for joy to attend a subsequent shower for a woman who treated her like shit when she miscarried, you're lacking a ton of empathy and compassion.

I'm not saying she should be jumping for joy, but she's not being any better than the SIL.

jennypolkadots

Congrats on your pregnancy, I'll be thinking of you!

I would let your husband decide what he wants to buy off of their registry. He wants to go, it's his brother, let him decide. Problem solved! 

Amstreagle

AggieMom0809 said:

Darbie914 said:

AggieMom0809 said:

It's not your husband's SILs fault you suffered a loss. While an invitation by mail would have been nice, it's becoming more common to send and email, evite, fb, or text invitation. I would go and spend what you normally would on a shower gift, but if you're not going to be able to be pleasant for the event, then you should just stay home and not ruin their happy moment. 

Oh fuck the fuck off already. Every single comment of yours is geared to instigate others. If you really think she should be jumping for joy to attend a subsequent shower for a woman who treated her like shit when she miscarried, you're lacking a ton of empathy and compassion.

I'm not saying she should be jumping for joy, but she's not being any better than the SIL.---------anticipating quote fail------

Wtf! OP is having a small vent about how tacky her tacky SIL is. She didn't say she was going to be a jerk at the shower (which is just such a gift grabby event and she couldn't even send her own brother a legit invite). In what world does this make op bad in anyway?

neverblushed

Given the short notice of their invite, I think it's perfectly reasonable to do what my H and I call the "Divide And Conquer" approach.  Sometimes both of us can't go to every event, and this was especially true once we had kids.  Sometimes only one of us wants to go.  I say send your H as a representative and spend your day doing something else.

However, if you MUST go, I'm with everyone else.*  Buy a cute baby outfit and a cheap toy. Done.

*Well, I'm not with the person who thinks you're being just as bad as your SIL. Or the person who said you're not such a peach yourself. That's BS.  I'm sorry this family situation is so difficult.  Congrats on your pregnancy!

AggieMom0809

Amstreagle said:

Darbie914 said:

It's not your husband's SILs fault you suffered a loss. While an invitation by mail would have been nice, it's becoming more common to send and email, evite, fb, or text invitation. I would go and spend what you normally would on a shower gift, but if you're not going to be able to be pleasant for the event, then you should just stay home and not ruin their happy moment. 

Oh fuck the fuck off already. Every single comment of yours is geared to instigate others. If you really think she should be jumping for joy to attend a subsequent shower for a woman who treated her like shit when she miscarried, you're lacking a ton of empathy and compassion.

I'm not saying she should be jumping for joy, but she's not being any better than the SIL.

---------anticipating quote fail------ Wtf! OP is having a small vent about how tacky her tacky SIL is. She didn't say she was going to be a jerk at the shower (which is just such a gift grabby event and she couldn't even send her own brother a legit invite). In what world does this make op bad in anyway?

For taking an event that isn't about her and making it all about her feelings.

Engineer81

AggieMom0809 said:

Amstreagle said:

AggieMom0809 said:

Darbie914 said:

AggieMom0809 said:

It's not your husband's SILs fault you suffered a loss. While an invitation by mail would have been nice, it's becoming more common to send and email, evite, fb, or text invitation. I would go and spend what you normally would on a shower gift, but if you're not going to be able to be pleasant for the event, then you should just stay home and not ruin their happy moment. 

Oh fuck the fuck off already. Every single comment of yours is geared to instigate others. If you really think she should be jumping for joy to attend a subsequent shower for a woman who treated her like shit when she miscarried, you're lacking a ton of empathy and compassion.

I'm not saying she should be jumping for joy, but she's not being any better than the SIL.

---------anticipating quote fail------

Wtf! OP is having a small vent about how tacky her tacky SIL is. She didn't say she was going to be a jerk at the shower (which is just such a gift grabby event and she couldn't even send her own brother a legit invite). In what world does this make op bad in anyway?

For taking an event that isn't about her and making it all about her feelings.

Are you for real?????? I'm glad I
don't know you in real life or know people like you in real life.

PrimRoseMama

Danipg said:

AggieMom0809 said:

Amstreagle said:

AggieMom0809 said:

It's not your husband's SILs fault you suffered a loss. While an invitation by mail would have been nice, it's becoming more common to send and email, evite, fb, or text invitation. I would go and spend what you normally would on a shower gift, but if you're not going to be able to be pleasant for the event, then you should just stay home and not ruin their happy moment. 

Insensitive much? Your attitude is truly disturbing.

I see the OP as being insensitive. The SIL is wanting to celebrate a happy occasion and if the OPer is going to attend, it would be rude if she's not going to be happy for the stm to be



----quote fail-----

Did you not read the part where her SIL made it clear that she didn't want OP to have a baby and stated so , even after they miscarried? I think that warrants her to not want to go to the tacky shower.

Holy shit. I missed that part?! I'd definitely not attend now. I missed that fucked up bit. JFC.

Amstreagle

I'm baffled by how dense people are.

AggieMom0809

msspeedymarie said:

AggieMom0809 said:

Amstreagle said:

Darbie914 said:

It's not your husband's SILs fault you suffered a loss. While an invitation by mail would have been nice, it's becoming more common to send and email, evite, fb, or text invitation. I would go and spend what you normally would on a shower gift, but if you're not going to be able to be pleasant for the event, then you should just stay home and not ruin their happy moment. 

Oh fuck the fuck off already. Every single comment of yours is geared to instigate others. If you really think she should be jumping for joy to attend a subsequent shower for a woman who treated her like shit when she miscarried, you're lacking a ton of empathy and compassion.

I'm not saying she should be jumping for joy, but she's not being any better than the SIL.

---------anticipating quote fail------ Wtf! OP is having a small vent about how tacky her tacky SIL is. She didn't say she was going to be a jerk at the shower (which is just such a gift grabby event and she couldn't even send her own brother a legit invite). In what world does this make op bad in anyway?

For taking an event that isn't about her and making it all about her feelings.

She's only making it about her if she goes to the shower and makes a stink. Venting to people who don't know anyone involved is not making it about her.

I'm pretty sure that's what I said. That if she's going and can't be pleasant it's a probelm

beattykid

Well thank you ladies for the advice.  I got a cute toy story pajama set and a copy of Where the Wild Things Are.  I was at a loss before your advice so I really appreciate it.  Just so you all know, I may despise this woman but I have always been polite to her.  I don't see it as my place to have a conflict with someone in my husband's family, and I would never create some kind of scene by sulking and whining about this crap in front of anyone in that family other than my husband.   Now I may hate being around her but that just means I won't subject myself to it unnecessarily.  I went with my husband and we stayed for an hour and a half and left a bit early.  Two of our friends were getting married Saturday evening so we luckily had another event to attend and a reason to leave.  I don't know how the present went over and I don't really care.  Duty is done.  We won't have to see them until Christmas.  

Thanks again.  

tigerlily25

beattykid said:

Well thank you ladies for the advice.  I got a cute toy story pajama set and a copy of Where the Wild Things Are.  I was at a loss before your advice so I really appreciate it.  Just so you all know, I may despise this woman but I have always been polite to her.  I don't see it as my place to have a conflict with someone in my husband's family, and I would never create some kind of scene by sulking and whining about this crap in front of anyone in that family other than my husband.   Now I may hate being around her but that just means I won't subject myself to it unnecessarily.  I went with my husband and we stayed for an hour and a half and left a bit early.  Two of our friends were getting married Saturday evening so we luckily had another event to attend and a reason to leave.  I don't know how the present went over and I don't really care.  Duty is done.  We won't have to see them until Christmas.  

Thanks again.  

@beattykid - why don't you announce your pregnancy at the shower? Hehe, I'm being a little devious...

ggatlanta

Thank god we have @AggieMom0809‌ to teach us The New Etiquette of book-as-card, text-as-invite, and, I have to assume, karmic-thought-as-thank-you-note.

thiscoffeechick

AggieMom0809 said:

It's not your husband's SILs fault you suffered a loss. While an invitation by mail would have been nice, it's becoming more common to send and email, evite, fb, or text invitation. I would go and spend what you normally would on a shower gift, but if you're not going to be able to be pleasant for the event, then you should just stay home and not ruin their happy moment. 

Amstreagle

@lauraneedscoffee‌ I love this GIF but I also love me some Chuck Bass so I might be a tad impartial.