Help w/Response to Request From MIL

Carebella

So at 40+4 yesterday I got the following text from my MIL:

"May I please come out to meet the baby after s/he is born?"

I've been having trouble coming up with a polite response to what I'm guessing is her BEYOND last minute request to come day of or after to meet the baby. The plan we've talked about since April was for everyone to come for Thanksgiving week. Except have my mom come early so we'd have help with the pets when baby shows up. Does this work as a safe starting point?

"I'm a little confused by your text as I thought that had been the plan. I was expecting/hoping you, FIL and Pup would drive out on the 22nd and stay with BIL through the 30th, with you flying out as needed for work.

Are you thinking now that you'd like to try and be here the day of/after baby is born? Would it be both you and FIL coming out asap? Would it mean if baby arrives sooner that you still stay through the 30th or would you come out, head back, and come out again?

If you could let me know what your ideal plan would be, we'll figure something out so we are all on the same page! "

MmmPopcorn

I think that's a very polite response. Would you be bothered if MIL came down the day after the baby is born? It seems like a little late to be changing all the plans on you, but maybe MIL is having last-minute grandbaby jitters.

JFH2010

carolineheider said:

I would pretend to misunderstand. I'd say something like: "Of course we want you to come see the baby! Is the 22nd still possible for you? Looking forward to it." This emphasizes that there was already a plan in place and doesn't open the door to changes.

This is what I was thinking. If you don't want guests right after the baby is born (I certainly didn't!), I wouldn't leave that option open. I would just emphasize how excited you are to introduce her to the new baby during her Thanksgiving visit.

Carebella

It is the first grand-baby for the parents on both sides. No idea if BIL would be okay with MIL, and possibly FIL, staying for any longer than they already are. And it is possible she is jealous because she does know my mom is here.

I would prefer to stick with the plan, because 1) that has been the plan for so long 2) and with the 72 hours of skin to skin we will be doing, I'm already having a hard time not stressing about my dad and brother arriving on the 21st which is exactly 42 weeks for us. Also, while I love her and know she means well, she is very much "oh, your not doing it this way? This is how I did/do it," with everything.

BUT, I completely get this is her first grand-baby and that she probably would want to be in the room for the birth if that had been something I was okay with. And DH, while he has some issues with his parents, seems okay with them wanting to be here the same day or day after. I'm not even sure what I'd decide at this point, hence leaving the option to change plans open.

I REALLY don't want to disappoint her, or possibly DH now that she's asked, BUT also I don't want to be changing plans at this point or trying to get comfortable with her coming sooner.

marajay6

SarahMaureenF said:

Oh and I said the thing about my husband's mom because it IS sometimes hard for me to bite my tongue when people complain about harmless in laws (notice the emphasis on harmless). I really miss my MIL and she would have been a great grandmother to this little boy. Again, totally just an emotional reaction on my part.

I understand where you are coming from. My MIL passed away a little over a year ago. She had a stroke - it was quick and unexpected. It breaks my heart that my son will never get to meet his grandma.

jlove253

It kinda bothers me that she chose to 1) text you about a possible change 2) use the wording she did. I obviously don't know her, but it just seems so formal/without feeling to approach the change that way. But I don't know your relationship with her, so maybe I'm reading into things. Regardless, in your response I'd recommend not leaving the option open for change (because it seems like this is what you want), and would potentially suggest calling her to talk to her about it, or having your DH talk to her if he could hold the front and stay on your side. I just tend to favor conversations about sensitive issues not be over text/email so feelings are more easily expressed.

jlove253

And good luck! I'm sure this is the last thing you want to be dealing with!

howin23

carolineheider said:

I would pretend to misunderstand. I'd say something like: "Of course we want you to come see the baby! Is the 22nd still possible for you? Looking forward to it." This emphasizes that there was already a plan in place and doesn't open the door to changes.

I would do this exactly. I think you need to preserve the time and boundaries. Since they'll be driving, you can always loosen the boundaries later, but it's hard to retract an invitation.

Carebella

Thank you all so much for the advice! Glad to know I wasn't overreacting and DH was okay with my preference to play it safe and say for now we'd like to stick with the plan.

His parents don't have the best social skills and I definitely communicate with them more than DH so while I could of had him respond, it will probably be easier for her to hear it coming from me. Ah, adulthood.

@SarahMaureenF‌ It's a little different for us because we will be at a birth center (instead of a hospital) and go home 4-6 hours after baby arrives and they do as much as possible with the baby on you. They attempt to have very little interaction with the baby and even have dad's be the one to take baby to the scale for weight. So other than the midwife, DH, and my mother, there won't be much in the way of coming and going. And the plan is for my mom being there as back up for DH and not necessarily in the room until after baby arrives and then she may head home to take care of the pets soon after.

The 72 hours isn't an insanely strict period where they say you need to skip sleep or anything like that. And if we have to transfer or get a c-section they just say to start as soon as you can. Other people can definitely hold and meet the baby but I'm personally just not comfortable with the idea of having anyone other than DH around when I'm doing S2S. And not excited about getting dressed and undressed a ton for visitors. That might change or end up not being a big deal, but as a FTM, I'm guessing I will want to minimize guests until after the 72 period even though I know I'll be eager for everyone to meet the baby.

If I remember correctly from our classes, S2S for 72 hours is driven off of the fourth trimester concept, the good bacteria for baby, and that being on mom, dad, or other primary caretakers helps the baby a significant amount in regulating body temperature, sugars and breathing. As well as just being less of a shock to a baby that's been inside and "held" securely for 9 months. Hopefully that all makes sense

Carebella

@wildflower810 I can definitely understand how you are feeling! FX it won't be as tough as it might seem and having help will end up being more of a relief.

Also, I suck at lying so probably best to avoid the fib

Carebella

@SarahMaureenF‌ Definitely didn't come off as snarky and I had NO idea
about so much of all the things we've learned through the birth center! It was quite an eye opening experience compared to what I'd heard/learned/and read prior to expecting. I've been really grateful to have access to a birth center and such great classes. Are we going to try and do everything they suggest? Nope! But knowing other options and the reasons behind them have made us much more confident in making decisions for our LO.

As for MIL, I knew it was already going to be a novel and would of turned into a mini-series if I went into all the details! The feedback from you all REALLY helped to make sure I wasn't being a crazy hormonal pregnant woman. I can be a little sensitive and tend to plan and research a ton. So when things get wonky, I know I can have a tough time staying reasonable.

With the help from you guys, I sent her a safe and polite response and she is okay sticking to the plan!!! Phew

lesliegolem

Yay so glad it worked out! Hopefully nothing else pops up like that before your baby is born. Also know you're not alone. My MIL has called twice this week asking about our plans for her meeting the baby. Then my SiL has called and texted awkwardly like your MIL did. Guess everyone is getting anxious since we're so close to being due! At least your MIL responded well

Carebella

@lesliegolem‌ Thanks and I think you're right! Everyone is getting so eager and probably getting anxious and forgetting that's our role :-) Hope your MIL and SIL have figured out to back off and just wait for you to let them know the plan!