Sibling Question/Musing

nesenotes

So Ive been contemplating the new roles in the house a lot.  I was feeling a little guilty that I'm changing Emery's role for life now involuntarily. Once you have a little sister you automatically gain responsibility. You forever have to be the example and look out for someone and its actually kind of shitty because that should be my job (can you tell I've been having sister drama? lol). But then I was thinking well I dont have to raise her the way I was raised. But there are pros and cons to that too. Deep thoughts for a Tuesday.

Anyway, I'm curious. If you have a sibling were you raised to look out for each other? If you were oldest were you raised to be responsible for your little siblings behavior? Will you raise your children to be the same way?

I know part of my upbringing was due to culture. Its common in both hispanic and middle eastern cultures and values to be a tight knit family. I know in families like H's they all operate independently and he never has looked out for his sister, nor was he expected to. I mean he cares about her, but he'll never lose sleep over her. I on the other hand will.

pinkangelmoon

I have one sister, five years younger than me.  I honestly don't remember feeling responsible for her and her behavior at all.  We weren't close growing up, she was just an annoyance more than anything lol.  Once I started dating in high school, my parents would actually send HER with me as a "chaperone", and I was a pretty responsible kid.  Now that we're older I do feel more of an obligation to be there for her as guidance. I get stuck in the middle a lot with her and my mom, but it's gotten a lot better since my sister moved out on her own.

I won't force it, but I think as twins my two will naturally look out for each other. I hope it's more of a blessing than a burden though. 

nesenotes

My mom was mean and twisted now that I think and type it out lol. But I know my mom was raised in the same sick fashion. And I know my cousins were raised this way as well. Somehow the oldest was in charge. Not as teenagers but more as kids. As teens everything went out the window. Somehow the responsibility came back as an adult.

I obv dont plan on being that extreme at all. I HOPE they will be close and it will be a loving "look out for" not "responsible for" kind of relationship. I would want her to be a good example just because that's good practice in general. It will be interesting to break the cycle of boundaries that's for sure.

nesenotes

hijoi said:

When I had Veronica I swore that I would not do the same things my parents did. I have always felt responsible for my younger sister ( emotionally, physically, even financially) and I still have guilt that I can't do everything for her. I never want Nathaniel to feel that way, but I do try to teach him to watch out for her, and help her. When he tries too hard, we remind him that he's not her parent.
I don't know if any of that makes sense.

It absolutely does. I'm in that same weird position with mine. It's lead to boundary blurs that I would never want for my girls. I take in too much of her feelings.

nesenotes

MissMusic said:

I was not responsible for my younger brother's behavior, but my behavior was suddenly under a microscope.  I definitely felt like he could do no wrong because he was younger, but when I made a mistake or acted out it was 10x as bad because I was older/should know better/etc.  This carried well into the teen years when my mistakes were even worse because I was "setting the example" and he was "too young to know". 

ETA: if we ever have a 2nd, Lillian will not be responsible for her sibling.  I personally feel like thats not her job.  She would be asked to care about and help the sibling, but not "take care of" in that sense.  I would hope she would take her cues from DH and I about how to treat another child.  I also wouldn't expect her to act "better" or "bigger" because she's the age that she is and I can't change that.

You definitely hit the nail on the head. I had to learn detachment as an adult through alanon sadly. Otherwise I was driving myself nuts. So I really want to be careful to teach boundaries. You can still be an example and helpful without taking on the guilt and stress.

I guess being aware of it is the first step in changing the cycle.

nesenotes

zpanjwani said:

I'm the younger sister and my older sister definitely looked out for me a lot growing up, and still does a little now even though I don't really need her to.  It's in my culture for the older sibling to do so as well.  My H's family is like your H's where they don't get in each other's business or offer opinions too much.  That is a foreign concept to me! My sister and I are best friends and we are all up in each other's shit.

I'm definitely going to teach Shaan to look out for Asher and I see nothing wrong with that.  As a younger sister, I wasn't really allowed to talk back to my sister because it was considered disrespectful to do that to an elder (she's only 3 years older than me).  I did it anyway, but always got in trouble for it.  It's not a cake walk to be a younger sister either, both roles have its advantages and disadvantages, I guess.

Ha! Yup! She's not supposed to really talk back to me or yell at me either. Its disrespectful. I guess you are right, both sides of the coin suck.

sarahandeddiejune212008

Growing up my sister (3yrs younger) was my bff most of the time. We always played together. Once I hit middle school and high school she was the annoying little sister, but once I hit college we missed each other. We are very close now.

I was never required to look after her, but she knew she could count on me.

I hope my girls continue to be best friends. I won't force DD#1 to look after DD#2, but she already does it naturally. They are very nurturing to each other. It's wonderful to see their bond forming so early and I pray it continues to grow for the rest of their lives.