Cannot believe I'm here. So long...

ASUBride

Hi there, It's been such a long time since I've posted on the bump. Oh how life has changed. I just had DD#2, she's 3 months old. I have a 3 year old daughter as well. Married for 10 years to who I thought was my soulmate. I thought we had a great marriage. Had our ups and downs, just like everyone else, but was always proud of what a wonderful husband I had. We had the perfect life. I was so happy.  

DH started a new job while I was pregnant with DD#2. It was a hugely stressful change, but it was supposed to be more money and DH was so unhappy with his old job, so we made the switch. The new job required more travel, which has be ridiculously hard with a new baby, but I've been trying to hang in there so he can establish himself in a new field. I'm a SAHM by the way.  A few weeks ago, he came to me and told me he was unhappy and feeling disconnected from me. We talked/cried and decided the new job/new baby was a bad combination and that we were going to work on things. He still seemed non-committal and was throwing "Divorce" around. I just felt like something was off. This was not the man I know.

This week, the curiosity got the best of me. I checked Find my IPhone when he was "traveling" for work. Found out he was in fact in town. I confronted him and he denied everything and made me feel crazy. I checked a few more things - our bank account and his work computer and found out that he hasn't been traveling for work 2 nights per week, but he's been getting a hotel room and sleeping with someone he works with. He finally admitted everything last night after I found physical proof and showed it to him.

I'm so broken hearted. I have had numerous health issues since DD#2 and being a SAHM to these 2 girls has been the hardest thing for me lately. I look forward to him coming home each night and him being gone for work "traveling" has been a huge strain on me.  Turns out this all started immediately after having DD#2. One of his complaints was a lack of intimacy….I had a 3rd degree tear and took 9 weeks to heal.  He started all of this before I was even cleared for sex. I just can't believe he would do this with a newborn at home.

I still love him. I want to work it out for our girls, but the thought of him with another woman makes me sick to my stomach. He broke things off with her this morning when he got in to work, and I know this is either going to be a looooong road to recovery or the end for us.  I guess I needed to vent more than anything, as I don't feel like I can tell anyone. I don't want friends/family unable to forgive him before I'm even ready to decide what I want.  Is it even possible to work this out? 

I'm just so sad. Looking at my girls this morning just breaks my heart. I can't see myself as a single mom. It's too hard. I don't want to give up weekends/holidays with my girls. I don't want my family to hate him. I'm afraid I'll never remarry. I'm afraid of being alone. I don't have any money. I don't know what to do.

If you are still here, thanks for reading through. I just need some support from women in the same position. Thanks.

20thirteen

Wow, that's rough.  I'm not in the same position as you, so I can't offer you much other than sympathy.

I was with my X for 4 years with a small break up in between before I got pregnant.  Then he pretty much NOPE'd me, which kind of looked like this:

Do you think he would agree to counseling?  I feel like it is something you will need to look into for yourself, but I feel like maybe it would do the both of you some good. Perhaps this would help, in a sense, make or break you guys.  Counseling worked wonders for me, so I always suggest it.  There is no shame in it and counselors are an unbiased party to the issues. 

ASUBride

He has agreed to counseling even though he called it BS.  That alone makes me feel like it won't work if he won't take it seriously. I don't even know how to go about finding a counselor? It's not really something I can put out there asking for referrals, you know?

20thirteen

When I got pregnant, I scream-cried to my mother because I never wanted kids so she told me of an organization that helps pregnant women.  That's how I found my counselor.

However, I feel like the best way would be just to google "Couple's counseling + [your area]".  That should give you a list, then just google those names.  There are review sites for just about everything these days.  I'm sure someone out there came up with a website to review counselors. 

I'd grab a couple of names and where they are, then ask your husband to choose.  If he goes, and the counselor sees he's not taking it seriously, a good counselor will call him out on it.

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MinnesotaMomma91

Im sorry your going through this. I was cheated on many times by my xh and it hurts badly. But know this, youll make it through with or without him. Because your girls deserve that.

ST3WD

*hugshugshugs*

My heart breaks for you. This is so sickening. I do hope counseling works, even just a little at a time. Try calling your insurance provider to see if they recommend anyone. Plus side is the therapist will be covered! 

A lot of people who don't take therapy seriously are convinced the third party will be "against" them from the start. I'm in no way advocating his actions, but maybe he might take it more seriously if you two first tried separate 30 minute sessions individually rather than an hour together. Then after X number of times, have the hour long co-counseling, and you can proceed from there. 

I hope that everything will work out quickly for you and your girls. I understand how easily trust is broken and how difficult it is to rebuild. It's not impossible, but it does take effort. 

Regardless of what happens, we'll be here for you! Keep us updated, Mama!

jellybean529

I'm sorry you're going through this. I went through a similar thing, except I have a six year old (she was 5 then) and a WOH. Cheaters SUCK. 

If nothing else, get individual counseling for yourself. It doesn't hurt to talk to someone as you process this kind of devastation and try to figure out what you want to do. If he is truly committed to making things work with you, make him do the footwork of finding a counselor and scheduling the appointment. When I went through this and gave my ex a second chance, I demanded access to social media accounts and email...which is how I found out about cheating #2 that ultimately killed our marriage. 

survivinginfidelity.com was a BIG help to me when I was going through the process of trying to reconcile and then trying to process the separation/pending divorce so you might check that out as well.

Hugs sweetheart. I'm almost 1 1/2 years out now and I can promise you it DOES get better with time.

Helenahhandbasket

While I can't say my situation is similar, I feel very sad for you and I am so sorry you are going through this.

I also recommend individual counceling.  Even if he doesn't go to counceling himself, talking it out with a professional might give you some clarity on your situation and what your next step(s) might be.

In the meantime, I am going to advise you to call up your most non-judgemental friend and let her know what's going on.  Online support is great, but there is nothing like having an IRL support system.

Hugs.

20thirteen

Helenahhandbasket said:

In the meantime, I am going to advise you to call up your most non-judgemental friend and let her know what's going on.  Online support is great, but there is nothing like having an IRL support system.

Hugs.

This. So important.

MaggieF516

I had a kind of similar situation happen to me.  We weren't married but had been together 3 years, he was also always working at a stressful new job and was NEVER home (2-3 am some nights before he would get home).  I also suspected involvement with a coworker.  I finally put a private investigator on him and he met up with another woman (different than the coworker) and went to a hotel.  He was kicked out immediately the next day.  I'm concerned with how much you want to work on things with this man.  He deceived you for god knows how long and would NEVER have confessed until you found proof.  He left you alone to care for the children so he could be with his mistress 2 nights a week?  Then he's blaming you for his cheating because you couldn't be intimate because you had a medical issues?  He should be BEGGING your forgiveness, not blaming you.  He sounds like a horrible, awful person and you are best to move on from him and start your life over.  I would google Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It was EYE OPENING for me to learn about this personality disorder.  What always stood out to me with the situation was that my ex would rather be off spending time with another woman than seeing his own child (who he NEVER saw), I could not be with someone who would do that.  What he did to me was bad, but it was worse what he was doing to our child.

I can tell you that being a single mom is 1,000x times better than being with someone who doesn't appreciate you and deceives you.  Once trust is gone, it doesn't come back. I felt free from the constant worry I had about what he was doing, where he was, etc.  I had my life back!  I was also so scared of being a single mom, but the reality of the situation was WAY easier than what I had worried about in my head.  You will get some free time to yourself when he has kids and I'm sure that is something that you aren't used to. I was burnt out from doing 100% of the childcare and working FT, so free time was nice for me too.   And I've had no problems whatsoever in dating even though I'm a single mom as I know you were worried about whether you would remarry.  I think a lot of men don't care about this or are in similar situations.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, but hang in there.  It will get better.  Every single day will be a little easier.