Terrible twos

LyndseylovesHugh

Hi guys! I haven't been around much, this 2u2 thing is hard. I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just to vent, but Audrey is driving me insane. I know it's the age but she is constantly whining, crying, throwing fits, loosing her shit when I have to attend to Bennett, etc. She was such a good kid until Bennett was born and now I feel like every day is a struggle. And to make matters worse she has gone from being an amazing sleeper to waking constantly during the night, she's is seriously up more often than the newborn, so she's exhausted which doesn't help her mood. I just want my happy little girl back and I feel terrible that she seems to be having a hard time, and terrible that I'm so frustrated with her. Any advice on how to help her adjust better, or how to deal with her attitude without feeling like I'm going to go crazy? Anything?!

LyndseylovesHugh

I do feel bad for Bennett. He's such an easy going baby that he's usually cool just hanging in his swing or on his play may while I attend to her neediness or tantrums. I feel bad that he's not getting as much attention as she did at his age and I feel bad that now she has to share attention. It's so much worse right now because my husband is gone for a few weeks. At least when he's here each kid gets some one on one time when he gets off work.

LyndseylovesHugh

A lot of days I count down the minutes until bed time and that just makes me feel awful.

MrsKipper

No advice, just letting you know we're there, too. Honestly, I ignore her when she gets like that. Not all the time, but if she pulls one of those tantrums where I give her what she asked for and then decides she doesn't want it...I ignore it. If she really escalates, I send her to timeout to cool off and collect herself. It's gotten better, but still hard. It's just a tough age and we have to do what we can to navigate it and help them get through it.

LyndseylovesHugh

I don't know how you do it with two! I will check out that book, thanks! Unfortunately her biggest trigger is often when she wants my full attention and I can't give it to her, which is any time Bennett is awake, so I really can't do anything about that.

crene84

Sorry you're having a hard time..I feel your pain.  DD was always a good sleeper but for a month or so after DS was born, she had a hard time.  I see your LO is 3 months so I don't know what to tell you..we were strict with her, making her cry in her crib a bit most nights and she eventually got back on track..and now as DS gets older, it's gotten way easier.  Currently she's doing pretty good, but I've had those weeks where she was such a terror, so miserable, and I was at my end.  I hope it gets better soon!

LyndseylovesHugh

If we leave her in there she screams bloody murder until we go in. When she first started this we tried to do Ferber again and that was a huge fail. She will sleep fine for a week or two and then go back to waking and screaming.

@harti09‌ Im on amazon and there are a lot of versions, will you link the one you have?

BPer

LyndseylovesHugh said:

A lot of days I count down the minutes until bed time and that just makes me feel awful.

This is us too. Hannah whines the whole way home from daycare about absolutely anything.

"I'm hot"

"I'm cold"

"I hurt my finger"

"I hurt my butt"

"I take off my shoes and socks"

"I need to take my pants off"

...and Ben hates the car, so he's usually screaming, and on the rare occasion that he's actually fallen asleep, she yells "Hi baby Ben! WAKE UP" and then laughs when he starts crying again.

I have have muttered under my breath "you can be a real bitch."

LyndseylovesHugh

BobKat22 said:

I've tried to ignore. She can go for hours. Other things I've tried that don't work for me, but might for you:

Time out, talking about feelings and why she feels the way she does and what can be done to fix it, breathing in and out, counting to 10 to call down, taking a toy away, putting her in her room, hug her and rub her back and give her extra love. The last one will really piss her off lol I've even resorted to swatting her hand when she is doing something really bad and dangerous. Ex: pushing the chair to the stovetop and turning the gas burner knobs.

I've heard consistency works, but I feel like I need to find something that works first before I'm consistent with it.

The really frustrating thing is it's something different every day so it's hard to be consistent. One day she will be screaming and throwing tantrums because she not getting her ways. Other days she is overly sensitive, like today. She's been mumbling when she talks to me today and when I ask her to speak up she starts to cry, like I just told her the dog died or something. And then some times she happy and back to her old self. It's like you never know which Audrey you will get.

hmp1

I liked 123 Magic and the SuperNanny book - I think she has a few different books now. I also started a good behavior chart with James at this age to make sure I was truly reinforcing his good behavior. The chart was for both of us really to keep me accountable for making sure I am encouraging his good acts and not just recognizing his bad. I split the day in half and did stars before nap and before bed, but you may need to visit it more throughout the day. James was already familiar with charts from school.

LyndseylovesHugh

BPer said:

LyndseylovesHugh said:

A lot of days I count down the minutes until bed time and that just makes me feel awful.

This is us too. Hannah whines the whole way home from daycare about absolutely anything.

"I'm hot"

"I'm cold"

"I hurt my finger"

"I hurt my butt"

"I take off my shoes and socks"

"I need to take my pants off"

...and Ben hates the car, so he's usually screaming, and on the rare occasion that he's actually fallen asleep, she yells "Hi baby Ben! WAKE UP" and then laughs when he starts crying again.

I have have muttered under my breath "you can be a real bitch."

Audrey wakes him too! Like she so pissed off when I hold him but when he's sleeping peacefully and she's getting one on one time she wakes him up. He naps in the swing or in our room, which is right off the living room but I just ordered the second video camera and as soon as it's here I'm going to have him nap in his room on the other side of the house. Hopefully that helps.

LyndseylovesHugh

harti09 said:

https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/1889140708/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1415309872&sr=8-1&keywords=123+magic

This one. 

Thanks! Ordering now!

hmp1

James was in daycare so I had it way easier, and really his routine didn't change much when Leo came along because of this. Is doing a once or twice a week preschool program an option? 

LyndseylovesHugh

hmp1 said:

James was in daycare so I had it way easier, and really his routine didn't change much when Leo came along because of this. Is doing a once or twice a week preschool program an option? 

The only ones here don't start until 2.5, so I have a few more months. Once a week she goes to a thing at night at a local church and she loves it. They always comment on how good she is, I laugh inside.

AKB090609

Same boat over here.

First could she be having growing pains at night? I think this (in combination with molars and eye teeth) is DD1s current night time issue. We have started rubbing her legs before bed and it seems to help a bit.

As far as dealing with tantrums we have had success with a few strategies, our issues usually happen when DD2 needs to eat so now the chair where I feed her has a box of the BEST toys so we have a color wonder board, stickers, pre packaged snacks right now I only have to resort to iPad videos once a week at most. Other than that I've found that DD1 has to get out of the house everyday no matter what. I also have started using an emotion chart and talking about how she feels, she likes to find the correct face on the chart.

One book that was suggested to me by our early childhood teacher was Kids, Parents and Power Struggles. I have the paper copy, but am waiting for the audio book (I'm having a hard time finding time to read right now). 

I hope things get easier for all of us soon!

LyndseylovesHugh

AKB090609 said:

Same boat over here.

First could she be having growing pains at night? I think this (in combination with molars and eye teeth) is DD1s current night time issue. We have started rubbing her legs before bed and it seems to help a bit.

As far as dealing with tantrums we have had success with a few strategies, our issues usually happen when DD2 needs to eat so now the chair where I feed her has a box of the BEST toys so we have a color wonder board, stickers, pre packaged snacks right now I only have to resort to iPad videos once a week at most. Other than that I've found that DD1 has to get out of the house everyday no matter what. I also have started using an emotion chart and talking about how she feels, she likes to find the correct face on the chart.

One book that was suggested to me by our early childhood teacher was Kids, Parents and Power Struggles. I have the paper copy, but am waiting for the audio book (I'm having a hard time finding time to read right now). 

I hope things get easier for all of us soon!

Thanks, these are great ideas! Does dd1 keep the best toys at the table and not demand that she takes them away?

LyndseylovesHugh

BobKat22 said:

So this waking up brother is fun thing isn't going to end in a week or so like I was hoping?

What about the trying to pick him up? Are you guys having that problem? I can't walk away for a split second. And she knows how to unbuckle everything so I don't even have peace of mind with that.

Nope, it won't end. She's tried a few times to pick him up so I can never leave her near him if I'm not right there.

So she's awake now and he's asleep in the other room, so she could have all the mommy time she wants. What is she doing? Playing with the dog on the other side of the room. She's happy as a clam. I know she's going to do a complete 180 once he wakes.

tyrannasaurusjess

I don't have any advice for you either, but wanted to say you're definitely not alone!!! Jasper is exactly the same way. His favorite game now is 

I want milk.

(get him milk)

I DON'T WANNNNT MILLLLLLK!

(takes milk puts it int he fridge)

I NEEEEDDDD MIIIILLLLLKKK.

wtf. 

His sleeping has gotten worse, also. I'm thinking molars are a small part of it, but I'm mostly thinking it's just him being 2. He sleeps worse than Briar does.

Also, thanks to everyone else for the book advice.. I'm off to order them now!! 

LyndseylovesHugh

Thanks everyone, just knowing I'm not alone makes me feel so much better!

AKB090609

LyndseylovesHugh said:

Same boat over here.

First could she be having growing pains at night? I think this (in combination with molars and eye teeth) is DD1s current night time issue. We have started rubbing her legs before bed and it seems to help a bit.

As far as dealing with tantrums we have had success with a few strategies, our issues usually happen when DD2 needs to eat so now the chair where I feed her has a box of the BEST toys so we have a color wonder board, stickers, pre packaged snacks right now I only have to resort to iPad videos once a week at most. Other than that I've found that DD1 has to get out of the house everyday no matter what. I also have started using an emotion chart and talking about how she feels, she likes to find the correct face on the chart.

One book that was suggested to me by our early childhood teacher was Kids, Parents and Power Struggles. I have the paper copy, but am waiting for the audio book (I'm having a hard time finding time to read right now). 

I hope things get easier for all of us soon!

Thanks, these are great ideas! Does dd1 keep the best toys at the table and not demand that she takes them away?

I shut the door so she has to stay in the room, but for the most part she keeps them where they belong. We have to put them away before we go out of the room.

melody921

Hang in there! I think I blocked out much of the time right after DD was born. DS' "terrible 2s" hit later, more like 2.5. He also went through a waking up at night phase but it didn't last long. Until recently, he was my more overly emotional kid --prone to yelling, crying, etc. But DD is coming into her own and has been giving me a run for my money too. I try really hard not to yell, but pretty much fail miserably. So, not sure I have a lot of advice, but I feel you. And I can tell you that if will get better.

Unknown

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AlinnJo

This post terrifies me. Thanks a lot ladies!!! (

LyndseylovesHugh

shiggybop said:

My advice is wine.

I have been very lucky in our transition. Half of it is luck that Anthony loves being the big brother, and I think the other half is that we really follow Anthony's schedule and little man is along for the ride. We go to story time once or twice a week for Anthony to get around other kids. We go to the playground. I make sure I still give him a lot of attention while we're shopping or what not. We've also been really careful not to force interactions. When Anthony wants to be around Cameron, we let him, but I never suggest it. Anthony was throwing tantrums and hitting before Cameron was born and that has continued. @linzeek33 has given some great tips like teaching them how to breathe deeply and focusing on validating their emotions but not their actions.

I'm worried about a few months from now when Cameron is more aware and needing to do more age appropriate things away from Anthony. I don't foresee that going very well.

Audrey loooooves Bennett so none of this is directed at him luckily. We are still on her schedule too, but I think the fact that not everything resolves around her now. I'm hoping when I look back this was just a short blip.

pharmer78

LyndseylovesHugh said:

Audrey loooooves Bennett so none of this is directed at him luckily. We are still on her schedule too, but I think the fact that not everything resolves around her now. I'm hoping when I look back this was just a short blip.

Just wanted to chime in here to say...it is a short blip! It sucks, and there will be new issues as they get older, but before you know it they'll be running around playing being best buds and causing mischief together! 

PenelopePond

This may not be at all helpful, but can you giver her "very important jobs" to help take care of baby? When Sean was born, Ethan was definitely jealous. He absolutely loved getting to help. Sure, sometimes his helping wasn't so helpful, but he started to treat Sean like his baby. Ethan was almost three when Sean was born, so that may make a difference. We did a lot of talking about Sean's wants and needs, Ethans wants and needs, and how helping mommy was a very important special job for big brother.

I can't help with the tantrum throwing. Ethans always been very emotional, and cries about everything. It looks like Sean will be my tantrum thrower. Fun.

Pokedot

It's the age. It sucks and sometimes I want to go in the bathroom, shut the door and cry. I just keep reminding myself he's finding his voice. I have to count to three in my head most of the time so I don't lose my shit. Also the hitting is the absolute worst. No "punishment" works.

I don't know how you ladies to it with more than one especially babies. ^:)^

linzeek44

A few thoughts:

Connection can really help with challenging behavior. A bag of special "I'm with the baby, but you can do this awesome thing" toys can be useful. That way even time you spend nursing or feeding your baby is time where she can sit near you and be connected that way. I'd draw the limit- these special things are only for baby time- so that they stay novel and exciting. Think about some cool things that you can ask her about or comment on so it's like you're "playing" even if you aren't.

For children whose challenging behavior is rooted in a need for attention or looking for a response:

keeping yourself composed is probably the most important key to handling it. Toddlers love routines, so knowing what mommy's response it going to be takes out some of the excitement of it. 

for us, teaching calm down skills was really useful and we worked a lot on understanding and labeling feelings. So when daddy took the dog outside and ERy started to cry he could tell me he felt sad and angry because he wanted to go (before I would label it for him). He knows that the choices are taking deep breaths to calm down by himself or getting a hug and I will breathe and help him calm down. Teaching calm down skills also allows them to be in control (of choosing how to calm down) and allows them to be successful at it. 

There's a book called Calm Down Time which is toddler appropriate and outlines some options for what to do when upset. 

We also avoid the logic-debates. We will tell him once why something is not appropriate and then redirect to calming down. 

Whining- I remind him to use an appropriate voice and then ignore until he does. 

Freaking out over something he can't have- I state that it's not a choice and that we can talk about other choices when he is calm. 

Upset because he wants my attention- I remind him how to get attention appropriately and then ignore until he is calm.

Hyaline

I'm sure having #2 doesn't help matters, but don't fear, Lyndsey--no #2 here and DD is definitely displaying a lot of challenging behavior.  I think a lot of it involves kind of discovering her own agency and wanting to assert herself.  If there was a #2 to assert herself about, she probably would--but there's not, so she picks other things.  You're not doing anything wrong, and you didn't make any wrong choices in timing the kiddos!

And I count down the minutes til bedtime on a regular basis, especially when DH is away.  I live for an hour of downtime and some wine while he's on AT.  Truth.  Don't feel guilty.  

AKB090609

AlinnJo said:

This post terrifies me. Thanks a lot ladies!!! (

@AlinnJo‌ I really don't think that you need to worry. DD is still having the same challenging behaviors that started before the baby, the only things that have changed are the intensity and when they happen. She used to want my attention when I was cooking dinner, now it's when I'm feeding the baby. I really do believe that, in our case at least, it is the age not the family situation.

watercolor5

Sophia pretty much pretended Julia didn't exist for the first 6 months of her life.  Julia would cry and Sophia would just act like she couldn't even hear it.  (baby screaming... "mommy, read book??") Once she started sitting up and became mobile, it was like she all of a sudden existed to her sister.  By that point, Sophia wasn't used to all life revolving around her anymore, and she loved sharing experiences with Julia. 

I'd tell her, Sophia, it's bath time, and she'd ask if Julia could take a bath too.  Or I'd say we're going to the store, and she'd make sure Julia could come (as if we'd leave her home alone.)  If she wakes up and her sister's still napping she always always asks where she is.  She also usually introduces Julia before she says her own name and is her biggest protector. 

So I think your toddler getting used to a newborn really doesn't take much longer for them, than it does for you to realize you have another kid again.  As for the terrible two difficulties, I have no advice- I think we're all experiencing that to some extent!

LyndseylovesHugh

linzeek44 said:

A few thoughts:

Connection can really help with challenging behavior. A bag of special "I'm with the baby, but you can do this awesome thing" toys can be useful. That way even time you spend nursing or feeding your baby is time where she can sit near you and be connected that way. I'd draw the limit- these special things are only for baby time- so that they stay novel and exciting. Think about some cool things that you can ask her about or comment on so it's like you're "playing" even if you aren't.

For children whose challenging behavior is rooted in a need for attention or looking for a response:

keeping yourself composed is probably the most important key to handling it. Toddlers love routines, so knowing what mommy's response it going to be takes out some of the excitement of it. 

for us, teaching calm down skills was really useful and we worked a lot on understanding and labeling feelings. So when daddy took the dog outside and ERy started to cry he could tell me he felt sad and angry because he wanted to go (before I would label it for him). He knows that the choices are taking deep breaths to calm down by himself or getting a hug and I will breathe and help him calm down. Teaching calm down skills also allows them to be in control (of choosing how to calm down) and allows them to be successful at it. 

There's a book called Calm Down Time which is toddler appropriate and outlines some options for what to do when upset. 

We also avoid the logic-debates. We will tell him once why something is not appropriate and then redirect to calming down. 

Whining- I remind him to use an appropriate voice and then ignore until he does. 

Freaking out over something he can't have- I state that it's not a choice and that we can talk about other choices when he is calm. 

Upset because he wants my attention- I remind him how to get attention appropriately and then ignore until he is calm.

Thank you so much, these are all very helpful ideas! I will read that book too!

LyndseylovesHugh

Thanks again everyone! I really appreciate all your advice and just knowing what we are experiencing is normal. I think H being gone has just made this so much more challenging for both audrey and me. Good news is my parents are coming tomorrow for a week and H will be back Wednesday, so I only have to make it through the first half of the day tomorrow and then I will not be at it by myself 24 hours a day.

cautionwillburneyes

If you are on Etsy at all, try searching for the Calming or Time Out Bottle.  It's an interesting idea, that I think might be worth a try.  Basically it's a bottle with liquid and glitter and some beads or something.  You can shake it up if the kiddo is melting down and hopefully it will distract them out of the tantrum.  It settles out in about 3 minutes, so you can use it as a time out timer too.  

They don't call them the terrible two's for nothing!  I think I still prefer the two year old tantrums to my 16 year old with all the teenage angst and issues though.

MommaP12

I'm late to this awesome party but my DD is so BOSSY.  OMG, she changes her voice to this "gruff" voice and says "NO TOUCHING THAT MOMMY"  last week she used the voice, poked my stomach and said "stop talking mommy."  WTAF?  This girl is out of control with her bossiness and nos. Definitely add tantrums to the mix.  I am dying for this phase to pass!