FTM, abuse survivor, unsure about NB

tinybugsmom

I am a FTM, due in June. So I have a bit to figure things out

I am a survivor of long term childhood sexual abuse.

I think I want to deliver naturally/med-free.... I was looking at hypnobirth. I have a midwife.... would be a hospital midwife birth.

But I keep going back and forth on natural or getting an epidural (sorry, I have epi pens so that is what I think of when I see "epi"). I am so scared that birth will trigger me and that will prevent me from bonding with and enjoying my newborn.

My sister has done 3 med free births and has said some pretty harsh things about friends of hers who did epidurals. So I feel like there is this big pressure on me to do it all natural ...

I worry about the effects of an epidural on the baby.... and on me since I am so sensitive to drugs.... but I also am just scared. I have done therapy for 12 years, processed my trauma... but I also know birth is one of those big triggers for CSA survivors....

Anyone with experience or advice?

Amber6486

You do what is right for you, not what was right for your sister. Everyone has to row their own boat and I have found it helpful in my own life to avoid making 'blanket statements' or commit to "what I WILL do" In a future situation. It is perfectly healthy to go about it with a standard of grace for yourself and your sister by saying "I hope that med free does not trigger me, but it may and I will accept epi if and when I feel that an unmediated birth has reached a point where I am fearful of not having a healthy bond with my baby and I will make that choice when it is time". It is okay to say 'I don't know yet, I'll make that choice when it is time'. YOU are worthy of making your own very personal decisions and YOU know what is best for YOUR situation good luck and stay strong. Also, try a 'focal point' in the birthing room... Like, a baby toy... Something to remind you that you are giving birth and not in your abuse. We do things like this at the safe house I work in... It works for some. Everyone is different.

Amber6486

Oh and ps... It's always a great idea to do a little 'check up' with your therapist if you think you may be triggered by something... She/he may have some other great safety plan ideas

crystangel

What everyone else said and Hypnobirthing will really help you work through all that with some release sessions.

tinybugsmom

Thank you all for the comfort and support. I was not expecting that. I try to remember 99% of people are not like my sister.

My midwife does know my past. It is a group of mw ' s and all are really nice and gentle. My midwife thought hypnobirth would be best for me if I do want to go NB or even of I don't. She said the techniques will help with whatever route I choose.

I am trying to keep an open "what ever I need when" attitude. I am also trying to gather as much info as possible... because I do best knowing what to expect.

thank you all again I will definitely be reading here and might posy again I am sure....

Amber6486

Also... You may find it helpful to read up on really positive birth stories... To start the process of visualizing the process as positive and empowering and beautiful.

bumpuser10336873

I'm not a sexual abuse survivor, so I can't speak to your experience. I do become panicked when I have vaginal pain, especially during ob/gyn procedures due to events in my past. I'm a first time Mom as well, due in 3 weeks, and I've been in a hypnobirthing class to prepare for the birth. My plan is to use the relaxation techniques as much as possible to avoid interventions and invasive procedures during the birth. If I'm not able to control my anxiety due to intense pain, then i will opt to receive an epidural. The most important thing to do is remember that a healthy Mom & baby is the goal! How you get there doesn't matter! Good luck

Amber6486

hikerlady said:

Amber6486 said:

Also... You may find it helpful to read up on really positive birth stories... To start the process of visualizing the process as positive and empowering and beautiful.

I agree with this. The Ina May book Spiritual Midwifery has tons of positive birth stories. It was hard for me to get past some of the very hippie language but it was worth reading. 

That's so interesting- I am reading her second book right now and aaaaalmost named it as a suggestion but was afraid to say it bc some feel very strongly against some of her practices and/or can't get past the hippie words. It is so absolutely empowering to read these stories and I would recommend it to anyone who just needs to muster up more strength than they realize they have inside them already. I will definitely read her first book when I'm done with this one.

MitoRachel

I agree with all the pp. I do not have the same history as you. However, I was worried before my first birth that I wouldn't be able to separate what was going on in labor from some pretty hard health stuff that I had been through. Seeing my body do what it was designed to do, and seeing how sometimes a little bit out of control can be okay, ended up being super emotionally healing for me. I hope that whatever you decide for your birth that it becomes an agent of healing for you.

pixieprincss

Our stories are different, but for me, the value of my voice is the key question.  With DH1 (a hospital birth) I ended up with an OB who I had never met. I thought I would be ok with DH and a doula, but I had a challenging birth that made things less-than-simple. Because of the emphasis on policies and procedures in the hospital and with the on-call OB's style, at time I felt like my voice was not heard or respected despite me being very articulate.

I had a much better fit in a non-hospital setting where there was less legalism and it was really about me. I also did considerable emotional prep with my midwife and we have great trust in our relationship.

So, for me the question is less about meds versus not (though I prefer no meds because then I maintain physical autonomy) but about how clearly my voice is heard and how well it is respected. Optimally, you will find a caregiver who values your voice and work with your feelings however they manifest. It sounds like you are on that track with your midwife in a way that was not possible with my first birth and the OB rotation that my insurance works on.