Adoption
Visits...too often or not enough?
I'm curious and at the same time seeking advice. In an open adoption scenario...how often are you seeing the birthparents? How often would you like to see the child if you are a birthparent? How often is too often? How often is not enough? I know it would depend on distance as well for each individual. Our BM wanted to see us every 2 weeks, we tentatively agreed to once a month initially, which has been happening. He is 12 weeks old and we have had 3 visits. Our little guy is not a good traveler, it's a 3 hour round trip visit. Our agency suggested quarterly visits starting the first of the year, although leaving it up to me to tell BM, I'm not sure how to approach the subject, so I wanted to get an idea of how everyone else plans their visits. I definitely don't want to travel during the winter months, and hopefully he will eventually like being in the car (what baby hates a car ride?!). These are my thoughts...5 visits next year, a spring (March) visit (nothing planned at this point), a June visit (baseball game we would like to do traditionally, we went during the pregnancy), an August visit (his birthday), a September visit (zoo trip), and then a December visit (Christmas). Is this not enough? I need help! BM is still going thru the process and fearing we will cut her off altogether. I hate that she feels that way and wish I could ease those fears for her. I don't want this conversation to put that fear into her even more. Although I did mention monthly visits for the next 18 years just not being realistic.
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Re: Visits...too often or not enough?
Hi!- I don't post much as we are still waiting, but I thought I would answer as If I was in your situation. I agree with you once a month just is not realistic. Especially if you work, as weekends are spent bonding with baby, seeing family etc. It seems that it is especially hard that your baby is not a good traveler. I'm not sure how open your arrangement is, but would she be willing to come to your house so he doesn't have to travel?
I think what you have outlined for next years is good but I would be careful to promise anything you do not know you can keep (not that you would!). Good luck with the visits/schedule and congratulations on the baby!
1/13 Decided to pursue DIA, 4/13 Home study Approved 9/13 Matched!
10/13 DS home with us! 2/14 TPR completed 5/14 ADOPTION IS FINAL!
3/14 Surprise BFP 11/14 DD is here!
I somewhat disagree with the pp about pre-planning meetings. IMO that can give the birth family some reassurance that there will be visits. Especially if you're looking to scale back.
In our case, we originally lived 2 hours from DD's birth family, but now live 7 hours away. Per her birth family's wishes, we meet twice a year. Sometimes we wish it was more, by we find other ways to keep in contact
Adopted a baby girl in January 2013 via domestic infant adoption
"One and Done!" Now we spend our time traveling the world as a family
My Blog: Travel Fearlessly
So, we have a 15 mo through DIA. We also have a paca that is legally incorporated into our adoption decree saying that at our son's birth parents request, we have visits 1x per month for the next 17 years. We visited very frequently in the early months after placement. Like in the first month we had 12 visits. We live between 45 minutes and 90 minutes away from each other depending on traffic. It was honestly brutal. I was exhausted, the baby was exhausted, the grief that his birth parent had was visible, and palpable and pretty much it just sucked I think for everyone but we were all doing the best we could. After about the 4 month mark, it tapered back to 1 or 2 times per month and after about 10 months it was about once a month. We are committed to this and pretty happy with the openness in our adoption. There are bumps, still, mostly around extended birth family and visiting friends etc., but we work with it and hope our son will benefit from the decisions we make now. When he gets older, he can make decisions about what he thinks is best, in the meantime, we visit, happily with his birth parent.
Maybe offer this to her 2 or 3 times a year when it is difficult for you to drive to her, and then on the more comfortable times you can come to her.
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Also, I find it offensive to trust someone enough to accept the child they've grown inside of them but not enough to have them in your home, unless there are extenuating circumstances (like they've shown they can't be trusted or have decent judgement). As birth moms, we want to what is best for our child and would never compromise their house. I know it seems that she isn't thoughtful at visitS but she probably doesn't have the capacity to think about entertaining you at visits – they are so precious.
I would suggest talking to her. If you present it as a definitive I can tell you that it is going to wreck her. Chances are it will send her into a tailspin. Sit down with her and explain the problem and detriment to baby then see if you can come up with a compromise like every 6 to 8 weeks.if you give her the option\opinion she will want to help you and it will be easier on her to accept.
I hope this didn't come across as harsh but it's something I'm passionate about and I can only imagine what this would have done to me.
Also, have you already talked to her at this point?
first of all, this is supposed to be a support group where we help each other and share experiences. I always felt comfortable and happy to come with my stupid question and always got some good response. im sorry you are being attacked by bm over here. That is not what it is supposed to be. I very much understand where you are coming from and that is why I did not want to go with DIA. I personally cant do it. I did not want to bring this kind of drama into my life. Please, do not feel bad about how you feel, you are being honest. My words of advice to you is: do what is best for YOUR family. You know what is best for your child more than anyone else and your new mom experience should not be any less than the happiest ever.
To the BM s here, im sorry, I love seeing your advices sometimes, but you must understand the AM side too. it is not like you intentionally conceived to give your child to someone else just because you want to be nice and help. Understand that women who cant conceive and go to adoption already suffered with miscarriages, infertility problems, judgment from society and questions like "when are you gonna have a baby? you are getting too old" There is also grief on this side for the fact we dont get to listen to the first heart beat, first move, the magic of birth, the fact that child looks like you, and things like that. All of that is lost and most of times is not by choice at all. These people open up their hearts for adoption because we all want to be parents and love a child no matter what. I have no clue how painful it is to place a baby for adoption, neither ever will, but at the end of the day, this is a choice on your side. It is a choice you make to be able to provide a better life to your child as you believe, but it is a choice.
So please, dont come here and judge people who are struggling and trying hard to find a way to make things work. This woman never said she would stop the visits forever, she is just thinking what is better for her child the same way you think when you decide to go for adoption. I understand it is hard for you and you are sensitive, but so are we.
My hesitation about her coming into my home, may very well go away as I stated, he is only 3 months old.
For those that were supportive, thank you, for those that took this somewhere else, I think I'll just remove myself from this "support" group!
Adopted a baby girl in January 2013 via domestic infant adoption
"One and Done!" Now we spend our time traveling the world as a family
My Blog: Travel Fearlessly
I also want to say, you wont make everyone happy no matter what decision you make. Non of us can make everyone happy, even Jesus couldn't. He tried and we killed Him. That is why I say your child should be the main focus because ni matter what you decide, someone will not be 100% happy.
"For those that were supportive, thank you, for those that took this somewhere else, I think I'll just remove myself from this "support" group!"
It's also good to remember that it's important for your LO to stay in contact with their birthfamily. When your LO grows up, they'll be able to have more say in how much they want visits or other contact. For now though, when they're little and can't speak for themselves, it's important that you keep trying at the relationship so it's there if/when your LO needs it.
Also, I thought I should address the issue of opening up your home to visits, since I brought it up in my earlier post. Maybe it's a level of openness that's ok with you, or maybe something you'll grow into, but it's not something to just put out there without real consideration. I didn't mean to offend anyone or come across disrespectful to BM's/EM's in general - I just know for my certain set of circumstances that we tried it, it didn't really work for us, and now it's expected to be an option even though we're actually not fully comfortable with it. Like you, our level of openness has grown since we were originally matched, so it's not like we had everything figured out before jumping into this!
I feel bad that some of the PP's came across negatively towards your question, since I'd like to believe you are just trying your best at navigating your new situation. It's hard, no one's perfect, and we're all learning how to make it work as we go along.
Just an honest question for you - have you done much reading on open adoptions in general? I don't think it's common for agencies to offer much guidance after placement, so you might have more luck learning from the experiences and ideas in books on open adoptions. It seems to me like there's always something new to learn at each stage in the adoption process and that doesn't just end at placement.
1/13 Decided to pursue DIA, 4/13 Home study Approved 9/13 Matched!
10/13 DS home with us! 2/14 TPR completed 5/14 ADOPTION IS FINAL!
3/14 Surprise BFP 11/14 DD is here!