How do you not let it take over?

BKAlyssa

Hi there,
I am still very new in my journey. My first RE appointment was a couple weeks ago, and I have an HSG scheduled on Friday. My DH's SA came back completely normal, which is somewhat of a comfort that we don't have work through MFI issues. I tend to research a lot and try to see a general (or sometimes super detailed) outcome of all the possibilities. However, with all the different possibilities IF seems to present due to all the different diagnoses and how bodies react, I am finding myself consumed reading TB, blogs, and anything out there that might give me some answers. I "know" I should just wait until I am able to hear the HSG and blood work results and for my RE to develop a plan. It's hard to sit and wait. I am sure you all understand. Do you have any tips/tricks/advice? Did any of you just let yourself be consumed to get through the wait time?

I am glad I found TB, and as I read the OPP, WTF, and TP threads I am so glad I am not alone in all the emotions that come with this.

BKAlyssa

@NariaDreaming and @booklover811 Good to know I'm not the only one. Thanks.

I only work every other day (part-time teacher), and so most of this happens on my off-days. I tend not to go out and about on those days (I live in a place where tons of OPP's are everywhere), but I need to direct my energy towards something- if only I could get motivated to have a sparkly clean house.

Ann612

as soon as I read the topic, I knew exactly what you meant!

It is an absolute struggle.  When it really starts to get to me, I find the thing that works best for me is to think about all the things we have done, and can do because we don't have children yet.  For example, we'll last minute decide to go to the city with some friends, or randomly travel to a music festival.  And I can drink at that party/event/dinner this weekend!  I also actively don't make it the only topic of conversation with DH.  If I find myself getting swallowed into it, I change gears - read a book, talk about something else, go for a walk, etc.  

Also, copious amount of wine  

TLooney17

I try to find other things in my life to look forward to. Like a vacation, holiday or just something fun that I want to do, but honestly it is always on my mind. I have days where I read and do a ton of research and other days that I stay away from the internet because I've had enough. It's hard not to let it consume you.

deelopi9

iPutKetchupOnKetchup said:

Wine. Wine helps.

^:)^ I second that.

It's overwhelming, especially at the beginning. You want to dot your I's & cross your T's to make sure you're doing everything right.  I TRY and take at least 20 minutes out of every day and either work out, do yoga/meditate, read a book, something that doesn't relate or focus on IF. Wine helps, A LOT...

dominicandreamer

I completely agree with @Ann612 & @TLooney17.  As much as I hate comparing my life to my fertile friends and family, it helps to at times.  I know I wouldn't be able to go out at the drop of a hat, take the vacations we want to take, stay out late or even do little things like get drunk at the same time my husband does.  That sounds really silly but I realize more lately that the grass is always greener.  

Of course that doesn't always work though and at those times I know I have to take a step back.  Focus my attention on other things happening in my life instead what isn't.  

It's definitely difficult, you're so not alone.  And sometimes it will feel all consuming, but hopefully you'll find ways to help cope with what you are dealing with.  Being on this board is a great start.

coaster102516

Everything PPs have said. Keeping busy with dates, projects, work and wine is what helps us. 

I know trying to get through the testing can feel like it takes forever and I remember feeling like we wasted a cycle the month we did all our testing but in the end, I am so so glad I did it at the end of the day and had a better understanding of what was going on with my body. The unknown is what killed me. 

Also, after every test, doctors appt, and at the end of every cycle no matter if the outcome is good or bad we have something planned. Even if it is ordering in food and renting a movie. Plan something so you're not consumed.  

SND1231

I think this is something we are all struggling with, I know I am.. I am a goal motivated person.  It went from I have to beat this cancer, to I have to graduate, to I have to get pregnant.. I seem to be a bit obsessed. I also read everything.. research anything to help.. I am meeting with my RE on Tuesday and feel like each day is just dragging. I know all my results are in and just wanting on results on DH SA.. Good luck to you!

emmuffy

I had IF tunnel vision for a long time. I'm currently on a break and I'm finding it very helpful and healthy because I've been forced to refocus some energy on other things. My advice is to schedule fun activities and try not to neglect your partner, friends and yourself - make sure you keep up your other interests.

mshandlebar

Like @Ann612 said, the title of this post resonates. Actually when I read it, I almost said" I don't" out loud because honestly, it has taken over. And most of the time I let it. It is worse to fight the obsessive need to know everything than it is to take the hour or so to google the crap out of something. I usually can find some sort of peace in that. Whenever I need to go down into an IF rabbit hole, whether google or TB, I just do. MH has learned that when I am glued to my computer screen it probably means I just need some time, and if more than 5 hours have passed, he will intervene (I exaggerate...ok, for the most part I exaggerate).

I also agree with what others have said about getting out and doing things. Being busy helps, and so does being around people (especially, when I know the IF won't come up). There have been a few times where I have felt super crummy, and the last thing I want to do is be around smiling happy people. I've found that if I fake the smile long enough, a real one usually comes out.

Anyways, my point is. Getting through IF can take a lot out of you and it demands a lot of attention. Take a break if you need one, go to google town if you need to, vent here if you need to. Whatever it takes to get through the days. It won't last forever.

mmmKayy

@emmuffy‌ Same here.. We started our break last month and I must say, it has worked wonders.

OP I really have no advice for you. Sorry. When I was going thru treatments IF completely ruled me and there was nothing I could do. Just try to keep busy so you don't have a ton of down time to think about it.

BunnyBerry

I'm so sorry you have to go through all this. I tend to let it take over my mind/time when that feels like what I want - I don't guilt myself for obsessing. In some ways, we are suddenly thrust into a new world with plenty to learn, digest, understand. We want to know what we're up against. No would would ask someone diagnosed with cancer to just chill and let the doctors do every test before giving them a clue of what the problem and solution might be - of course they'd be Googling, asking questions, thinking about it, talking about it to trusted friends and family, and it would be welling up at inopportune times. Sometimes they'd be wallowing in pity, working through this new normal that they never expected or planned for or wanted.

We've been diagnosed with a medical condition that can prevent us from having kids, the treatment of which in many of our cases is not covered by insurance, that brings up ethical questions and internal struggles, and all the while we go through that we have the constant reminder with painful, embarrassing, inconvenient, invasive, upsetting, lonely tests and treatments.

I think it's so important that we give ourselves permission to admit how hard it is and how consuming it can be...and not beat ourselves up over those days we obsess.

What helps me get through is praying, learning more, connecting with everone here, talking to DH and my sister, imagining and fantasizing the future that we're going through all this for, planning and envisioning our treatment course, being grateful for the many good days when other aspects of life are able to capture my passion, and making a conscious decision to use my brain and not just my emotions when considering the situation.

When I start feeling that futile impatience in the TWW, I consciously set that aside until closer to beta, giving myself permission to deal with those feelings later on and freeing my mind from them for the time being. When starting a new cycle, I deal with the BFN by letting myself get excited for taking the steps that will get those follie(s) growing, and tell myself that at that time, I am just like any other woman in the world hoping to get pregnant this month, and let myself get innocently excited about BDing. When dealing with the week of vag cam invasions, I remind myself that this is what mothers do, except to the nth degree, when they go through pregnancy and labor, and tell myself that it's a blessing to be able to experience some of that pain for the purpose of bringing a LO into the world at some point.

ShellyR

I struggle with this and I'm still really new to the process. Thank-you everybody for your honest posts. I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone. I'm trying to keep in mind that I need to do something for my body, mind, and spirit everyday. Some days I'm more successful than others. 

EmeJay

As others have said, we took a long break this winter to clear our mind and we are now back 100% in it.

It's hard not to obsess and all the hobbies in the world won't fill that void. You have to choose at some point to let go of things that are too hard.

If I have one tiny advice, is to try to still have good "just because" sex with your husband.

Good luck.

theholmanherd

Honestly, it has taken over. I will be seeing a therapist soon. Getting involved in a volunteer project really helped me to see outside of my own self, though, so I recommend it.

BandM14

I just try to stay busy, but as others have said-- sometimes I allow myself to obsess. The one thing I have noticed recently, though, is that I tend to feel a lot worse after googling rather than better. So, with that in mind, I am trying to avoid it so that I can stay more positive. I will say that I think it feels a lot better now that we have a plan and are taking steps by working with an RE and doing treatments.. I honestly feel a lot better than I did when we were on our 10th, 11th, and 12 months trying and I felt so hopeless. I hope that once the testing phase is over and you have a game plan that you feel the same sense of hope!

BKAlyssa

You ladies are all awesome! Thank you so much!