Frustrated and just need to vent, I guess. Perhaps not the best place but whatever!

CelestialMeans

My husband and I tried for a while to have a baby.  I got pregnant last year and miscarried.  It was sad but was what it was.

Sex hasn't been the greatest in a long while, we've been in therapy for a few years now.  I ended up getting pregnant a few months ago in one of the two times we had sex that month which was right after my daughter gave birth to my Grand Daughter.  Figured we wouldn't have children together after that, as it was probably best. A mutual decision. 

My husband has been complaining about not having enough sex for the last several years regardless if we were having sex 6 times a month.  The therapist was literally telling him to shut up about it.  It has been a broken record of his which has been causing me more and more resentment over time.  There are some underlying issues obviously for both of us that working through therapy have been increasingly difficult to deal with but whatever we are doing it.

Now I'm pregnant, I was taking medication and had a couple of glasses of wine apparently I blacked out because I don't remember the sex at all.  Although he likes to remind me that it was like the "old days".  

I have zero interest in having sex now.  My husband has a habit of just putting my hand on his penis which pretty much set me through the roof this morning!  He is charting when we have sex and when we don't and how many times he has rejected me when I wanted to have sex IN HIS CALENDAR. 

I'm just having such a hard time at the moment.  I told myself that I would never have a baby after 40, and here I am.  I know if I have an abortion that I will be SOOO ANGRY that there is no way I will stay in this marriage so I am feeling a bit at a loss.

He's telling me that I'm crazy and need help and perhaps I do but I'm so sick of complaining about sex that all I want to do is punch him in the face!  

Perhaps the fear for me is that every time we do have sex I bleed!  When I miscarried, we had sex the day before.  We had sex a couple weeks ago, I bled.  

I know I am hormonal.  There is no doubt about that but if his only effort to try to be "romantic" is to put my hand on his penis and ask me moment to moment "Do you wanna hump?" ^&%$#&^@$#&^%@&^$%  It isn't going to work!  I'm not having pitty sex, I did that a lot when I was younger.  I learned how bad that made me feel.  I have no intention of doing it as an adult.

So thanks for the vent.

That is all!

taahira

I really think you need to speak to a therapist, alone without your husband being there. It sounds like you have many different underlining issues going on for you. I wish you all the best.

Unknown

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Helenahhandbasket

A few things.

1) Having sex did not cause you to miscarry, so please don't feel guilty about that-- like you caused it.

2) I DO think there needs to be compromise when it comes to sex in a marriage.  If you were both OK not having sex, that's one thing.  If one party wants sex and the other has no interest, that's a problem.  However, the way your husband is charting, demanding and trying to coerce you into sex is disgusting. 

3) I hate to say this, but this situation doesn't bode well.  If I were offering you genuine advice, I would say to ask him how many times per week/ month you would like to have sex and ask him how many times he thinks is ideal.  Meet in the middle.  In your case though, I don't think that advice is realistic, because it does not seem like you are interested at all (and I honestly don't feel comfortable advising someone to engage in sex when they truely are not interested-- I think that breeds more resentment).  I also think that IF your H would agree to say, having sex 1x per week and you were OK with that, it still wouldn't be enough and he would be saying/ doing gross things to try to get you in the "mood" additional times.

4) If you H was a patient and understanding man, I would say that another option would be for him just to wait it out a bit.  Pregnancy obvioulsy changes your body, your hormones, your libido.  You guys could simply wait out your pregnancy, and hopefully you will come around to feeling like you want to have sex with him (if that's what YOU want).  If you feel like you don't want to have sex with him at all, ever, that's your right, but then you should seriously consider that the marriage you are in might not be the best fit for you.

Bottom line is that no one has the right to shame, coerce, or badger you into having sex with them.  Your H sounds like a grade A asshole, for real.  His behavior is rude at best, abusive at worst.

ghostof5letters

poofwok

What in the actual fuck?

PrimRoseMama

Spousal rape is abhorrent. [-(

I'll just say it: keeping score & drugging you to have sex with you (or taking advantage of you when you aren't coherent enough to consent) is fucking disgusting.

I wouldn't want to have sex with a whiny, douchey creep either.

KonaCoffeeBean

Your husband sounds awful. Andplusalso, you're pregnant; probably not a good idea to be drinking so much wine that you can't even remember sex that you've engaged in.

Whitfry

It sounds like this issue has been going on for quite some time - both his pressuring you and your lack of interest in sex with him. It also sounds like there is a HUGE disconnect in your relationship. You each want different things, and your expectations and desires sound really far away from one another.

Is this a relationship you're interested in working in and trying to fix? For either of you? Or have you given up and are looking for a way out?

Either way, I would definitely suggest counseling just for you, without your H present. There is a reason you have no desire to have sex with him, so what is it? Is his shitty attitude the turn off? Has he changed drastically? Do you no longer feel arousal? Have you ever desired him? Do you have a history of abuse in your past? There are lots of very valid reasons you may be feeling what you're feeling. A counselor can help you figure out those whys and then maybe you'll feel better equipped to make decisions on your future.

taboullio84

I thought I was the only one that absolutely hates when they do the " check out my hard on " thing :-L

I'm horomonal as well.. He sounds like a jerk honestly. I'm glad y'all are working on your marriage... But if you and he are not happy... That isn't the way to live . in so sorry you are dealing with all this.

ChristyM87

KonaCoffeeBean said:

Your husband sounds awful. Andplusalso, you're pregnant; probably not a good idea to be drinking so much wine that you can't even remember sex that you've engaged in.

I assumed the wine incident was from the night the OP conceived

ladylibrarian8

Your husband is sexually and verbally abusing you. End of story. I'm surprised your therapist has not already told you this.
Please leave him and find some happiness. You do not deserve this. Ever. For any reason.