dramas.... not sure what to do. — The Bump
Blended Families

dramas.... not sure what to do.

Things are stressful right now. I am 8 weeks pregnant... apparently the kids' BM has been googling DH and I .... and she found our baby registry.

So last night she gets all upset.... she used DSD getting sick at school (which DH picked her up right away, just a sinus cold-- the school emails both of them when a nurse visit happens) and the fact DH was working so couldn't pick up BMs call and DSS was in school so couldn't answer a call as the "breaking point" to take him back to court.

When she could have just text or emailed DH and gotten a reply immediately. Then when she called later last night neither kiddo wanted to talk to her.... we encourage them to talk, but can't force it.

It is annoying because she isn't consistent with contact (van go months without any) and has just recently become more involved because we got married.

And now that she googled us and knows we are having a baby she is taking him back to court to make sure their kids are taken care of when "that baby comes along."

DH isn't too worried... just annoyed. I said it would be good for them to see her more often, so that is good. He said yes but too bad it is for the wrong reasons. ... I think he is being too laid back about it. I can see her forcing visits with her mother who lives here.... DH doesn't allow her mother to drive them anywhere because of times when she has and kids didn't have seat belts to wear. ... so all visits with her require one of us driving and picking up... which takes up entire days... But I also worry about BM trying to put controls over me... what I can and can't do with the kids... related to school, etc. I don't know. All I know is she is doing this out of jealousy. ... not out of love for her kids.... out of jealousy and hatred toward me.... so I am worried.

I asked him to have 2 things put into place since they are amending the parental agreement.. 1. No bad mouthing the other parent or SO of the other parent (since she spent their entire last visit bashing me), and 2. No bad mouthing future siblings. ... because I worry she will say things to disrupt DSD and DSS bonding with their new sibling.

Just venting.... feel kind of alone in this.
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Re: dramas.... not sure what to do.

  • Wow, you got started on your registry quick!

    Just curious, who has custody?

    FTM & TEAM BLUE!!!

    BabyFruit Ticker


  • We are slowly gathering items. It is there but like 2 things are one it... the carseat we want and a cradle.... but the list is private. So she really had to dig to find it.

    DH has full custody.
    image image BabyFetus Ticker
  • Oh wow.. It sounds like you may have a long road ahead of you. =/

    I just wanted to say about the C/O part, it wouldn't be bad to have that added in there but in my experience with the inconsistency of contact with SD's and BM's attitude of "I do what I want, you can't control me" It's going to happen anyway. BM in my case did this right in front of DH and I to SD's when SD told her I had a baby in my belly. It could be in the C/O but, it's more than likely, unfortunately still going to happen.

    How old are your SK's?

    BabyFruit Ticker


       Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers                            


    My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5 

  • They are 13 and 7.... the oldest seems to understand better and so bounces back quicker after visits with BM... I do notice he struggles a lot with deepening our relationship, because he has loyalty to his BM... I totally understand that and just try to give him room and be there when he does reach out.

    The 7 yo struggles. It takes her weeks to get back to our normal. And she is usually really mean to me for the first 2 weeks back. It is painful because she is usually very sweet.

    DH and I are working on a more involved transition back after a visit.... something that can help them express things and help them reconnect. It will probably be something DH does with them since I know they don't like telling me things BM has said about me. But we are trying since we know it will happen.

    One thing I asked DH to talk to the kids about is being honest with their BM. Sometimes when she calls they ignore it or pick up but say they can't talk. When she asks why they make up an excuse that usually involves me or DH not allowing them to talk... because they don't want to upset or hurt her feelings. Which I know is causing problems. It isn't true, and th e kids need to know that is causing issues.

    I know we have a long road ahead.... not looking forward to it.
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  • I am like that with my older SK's who are now 19, 17 and 15 and it seems to work out pretty well. They don't see their BM very often. Maybe 4-5 times a year on average. (BM's Choice).

    I think DH doing something with them when they get back is a great idea. I however wouldn't recommend questioning them on things that were said or happenings that went on at BM's. That may make them feel like they are being interrogated or something and that will make them feel like they have to lie. "I missed you, I hope you had a great time" things like that will make them feel more comfortable in knowing that you and DH approve of them seeing and talking to BM. When they are ready to talk, they will.

    I think the only thing you can do in these situations is have patience and consistently let them know that you are there for them, not even verbally, just by actions. 7yo will eventually learn things that she may have been told aren't true. If one of them tell  you something that BM said about you, just simply say something like "oh she must be mistaken" but not in a snarky tone or anything. You want them to know that they can talk to you too.

    Lying to BM on the phone: yeah they need to know that's not good! Are your SK's in any kind of therapy? It may be a good idea to get a therapist involved. It kind of sounds like even some basic coping skills would be a good start and that will also let them know that they have someone on their side besides a BP or SP.

    and BTW.. Congrats!

    BabyFruit Ticker


       Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers                            


    My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5 

  • dmndsr4evadmndsr4eva member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments 25 Love Its Photogenic
    edited November 2014

    I think that is fine and dandy if you want to put that in the court order but I can't imagine that there is any way to enforce it.  Are you going to run to court and pay a lawyer every time she says something?  I don't know in my own experience with court, lawyers, court orders I just don't see that happening. 

    Really it is a free country and she can say whatever she wants.  It is sad that she can't get control of herself for the sake of the kids but really I don't know what you can do about it...

    In my experience and based on what my lawyer has experienced things should tend to get better with time.  I think people get tired of fighting and move on.  Well most people. 

  • Just because you amend the agreement doesn't mean she will follow it. If she's that petty she's going to do it anyway. I hate that for y'all. Good luck!

    Me: 24; DH: 28 - Married 09.20.2012
    Blended Family since 2012. <3
    Surprise of a Lifetime - Baby Butler EDD 07.07.2015
    SD is 4. Super excited and wants a Baby Sister!
    Daddy is excited but hoping and wishing for a Baby Boy! 

    BabyFetus Ticker
  • You can't control ex, you can only control the environment that you, H and the children live in.  

    You are much better off investing in family counseling, or other programs where you learn to have a healthy blended family than you are paying a lawyer to add a "no badmouthing" clause to your CO.  If your DSD says something like "the baby isn't really my sibling, they are only my HALF-sibling" you counter with "we are all family, and love each other fully."  If she says "You love the baby more than me because you are not my mom."  You need to learn to reassure her with something like "You are right, (mom's name) is your mom, but I love you as much as if you were my DD.  We are a family."  If it looks as if you will have a 10+ year fight on your hands, take the time now to provide yourselves with the tools to deal with ex, instead of "ordering" her to stop.

    And "she is going to take DH back to court?"  I would wait until you are served to panic.  This woman has had inconsistent contact with her kids for HOW LONG, and she thinks she will get more time?  Don't allow her threats to bother you.  Document everything, every visit (and the missed months in between).
    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
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