*Venting* need opinion! BADLY! *Update*

jacqb126

This is the beginning of a whole new part of life. creating Boundaries! Not easy. Life is Not about pleasing others. People left and right will be telling you the " right " way to do.... Just about everything. You and your husband need to come to a decision and since it's his mom he should tell her with u there. So there's no miscommunication. Don't let it stress u out. Just make sure this baby bring u and your husband closer and not apart!

Kalynn85

@Sliv3lining it's her own DDs, she has 2DD and 1DS. She just has always stressed them out into giving in to her wants.

Apollo11235

I agree with PPs that you have every right to make this decision for yourself. You should address it whenever she brings it up by telling her that your wishes are nonnegotiable. If you don't even want her in the hospital, tell her you'll be calling her once the baby is born/once you're home/after a week, whatever you want, when she is welcome to visit and meet her grandchild, then change the subject. She may hear you're in labor from others and show up, so show the nurses a picture of her and ask them to make an excuse, say there are too many people in the room, and have them keep her out. You can also give her a later EDD so you can labor under the radar.

Katerina&Baby

I would take the tact of "I think it's wonderful that your daughters wanted you to be in the room with them to help coach them on but I just don't feel comfortable having anyone other than DH and my doctor seeing me so exposed - you raised a wonderful son, I'm sure he will be a fantastic coach for me. We will be very excited for all baby's grandparents to come meet him/her as soon as we get situated in our maternity room - dont worry, when that baby is born you will be the very first person to know." She may bitch and moan but if you hold firm, there is nothing she can do about it. I find it very hard to imagine that her own MIL was there for DH and SILs births. Although, as PPs have mentioned, it is one hundred percent your prerogative to have whomever you like in the room, I am relieved for you to hear that you don't even want your own mother in the room with you for the simple fact that it makes the argument easier to swallow on MIL's part because MIL isn't being "excluded". I probably would argue the "I'm not comfortable with this" over the "this is a special time that I want to share privately with DH" because, while she can argue endlessly that grandparents should be involved in that special moment too, she can't argue that you really ARE comfortable with having your MIL see your goodies and after all, your goal is to shut her down with the least amount of discussion. Good luck and keep us posted - she sounds like a trip!

Jenny33

Let's be clear… No one gets to look at your vagina unless you invite them too.… Ever….
Your DH may not like it but he is going to have to be the intermediary and tell his mother that she is not coming in. She's going to have to be a big girl and deal with it.
If you don't want to be a bit$& about it then just go the route that you are not comfortable with other people looking at your body parts in that way.

Every time it comes up just grab your belly and say this is just too stressful for me right now and leave the room. In all honestly… It is too stressful for you and you shouldn't have to deal with this.

Schnurette

This is totally the most ignorant thing I've ever heard of. It's her "right"? No one has a right to be in that room unless they are physically pushing that baby out.

That said - we were pretty concerned with DD that my mother would just show up at the hospital and try to bust in (as your DH said, nurses will prevent this but still) so in order to avoid that situation we just decided not to tell anybody that didn't absolutely need to know that we were going to the hospital. The only people that knew were DH's coworker and boss (and their respective wives) as he had to bail out of work and we needed them to pick up DH's car from the hospital and feed our dogs. And our neighbors who noticed my car disappear for a few days lol. As it was a nurse basically ended up telling DH that if he didn't tell my parents to leave (my mother REFUSED to take the hint that DD and I were in dire need of naps) she was going to - and she promised that her way would be much less pleasant.

This time around we are hoping for a scheduled c-section - but the only people who will know will be my ILs (whom I love and completely trust to keep the secret) as they will be taking care of DD, and DH's boss etc. again since he will have to be off work.

Katerina&Baby

Schnurette said:

This is totally the most ignorant thing I've ever heard of. It's her "right"? No one has a right to be in that room unless they are physically pushing that baby out.

That said - we were pretty concerned with DD that my mother would just show up at the hospital and try to bust in (as your DH said, nurses will prevent this but still) so in order to avoid that situation we just decided not to tell anybody that didn't absolutely need to know that we were going to the hospital. The only people that knew were DH's coworker and boss (and their respective wives) as he had to bail out of work and we needed them to pick up DH's car from the hospital and feed our dogs. And our neighbors who noticed my car disappear for a few days lol. As it was a nurse basically ended up telling DH that if he didn't tell my parents to leave (my mother REFUSED to take the hint that DD and I were in dire need of naps) she was going to - and she promised that her way would be much less pleasant.

This time around we are hoping for a scheduled c-section - but the only people who will know will be my ILs (whom I love and completely trust to keep the secret) as they will be taking care of DD, and DH's boss etc. again since he will have to be off work.

I'm totally going to be doing this. Otherwise you'll end up getting 8 million text messages looking for updates (my sister - total horror story - had her water break but no productive contractions so she was in the hospital for 48 hours before my nephew was born (she was positive for strep b so they wanted her in immediately to put her on an IV) and she and her husband were just totally inundated with texts and calls, which added insult to injury since my sister was obviously frustrated at the slow progress. DH is the kind of guy who can't wait to shout good news from the roof top so he's going to want to text the world immediately so I plan on making him a deal - he can text whoever he wants once I am 9 cm dialated but until then, he is to be absolutely silent, unless he wants to me shove his phone up his a$$ and then we can be in pain together. Evil? Maybe - but hopefully effective.

Bfairchild618

I didn't personally have my mother or mil in the room during the delivery of my DD. I felt that if my mil had cared to foster the kind of relationship that would have made me feel comfortable to have her in the room, then she should have done so. Since she didn't, she wasn't in the room. Same with my mother. But, don't worry... The others are right. The nurses won't let anyone in that you aren't comfortable with. Even if your husband disagrees.

blewis2011

I read this post to my husband in the car earlier today thinking he would see how rediculous your mil is being. But instead he agreed. He said that if my mom gets to be in there then so does his mom. I pointed out that if he were the one having this baby he could decide who he was comfortable having in the room. We are planning on it just being the two of us but if I start screaming for my mom in there I do not expect my mil to come in as well. Don't get me wrong I love my mil. She is everything I could have wanted in a mil, but she is not my mom.

Vickibaker10

Personally, I can be a people pleaser, but I remind myself often that by giving in and allowing them to be happy, I am allowing myself to be miserable. So remember, the people that need to be happy when LO is born is you and DH. Most importantly you. I have 2 MILs, so I can totally relate. Luckily my DH is super supportive, so that helps. Good luck!

SummerJeanne81

You poor thing.....*hugs* Totally and completely uncalled for. Who the heck does this lady think she is?? Frustrating situation, no doubt. Keep your chin up, doll! Best wishes!

chelseahebert1991

Sorry you're going through this, my friend just went through this EXACT situation, I almost thought you were her! They experienced this while she was pregnant and finally had to come up with the conclusion to call his mother AFTER the birth. Well, my friend gave birth last week and when her DH called everyone to tell them the baby was born, his crazy mom freaked out at him over the phone and hung up on him, THEN came down to the hospital and made a HUGE scene in the hallway, at the nurses station and in my friend recovery room about how she wanted to be there and how it's her right as the baby's grandmother.She said such vicious things about my friend who had just given birth, said terrible things about the baby and had to be escorted out. My friends advice is: don't back down. It is NOT her right, it is you and DH's experience, nobody elses. It almost split her and her hubby up, but after seeing his mother act like this, he now sees how bat-poop crazy she really is. Hopefully you and DH don't let her get her way :-( best of luck to you!!!

Kalynn85

She threw her fit yesterday, and my DH went off on her. Hopefully she realizes that we are NOT backing down. I however amover being nice or fair, her parenting isn't mine. I married her DS not her and I am in no mood for her bs. Thank you ladies

a5swanson

Wow...smh at the latest update. So sorry that your MIL is being this irrational. Stand your ground. I'm happy your DH is supporting you. Hugs.

jbartsy

@ your update... wow.  And I thought my MIL was hard to deal with.  Sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad that DH is sticking by you!

2junebabies

blewis2011 said:

I read this post to my husband in the car earlier today thinking he would see how rediculous your mil is being. But instead he agreed. He said that if my mom gets to be in there then so does his mom. I pointed out that if he were the one having this baby he could decide who he was comfortable having in the room. We are planning on it just being the two of us but if I start screaming for my mom in there I do not expect my mil to come in as well. Don't get me wrong I love my mil. She is everything I could have wanted in a mil, but she is not my mom.

Ask your husband if he were having a vasectomy if he'd be comfortable having your father in the room watching. My guess is that he would say no. I think sometimes people forget that the point of being in the room is not just who gets to see the baby as soon as he or she is born, but it is actually mostly about supporting the laboring mother and making her as comfortable as possible. If you don't want your MIL in there then you shouldn't have to have her. And if you want your mom in there then you should get to have her. This is one instance where mother and father do not have equal say. What mom wants trumps all. 

Schnurette

@chelseahebert1991 your friends MIL sounds like a real nutter. How awful must that have been. Please give your friend a high five from me for sticking up for herself and tell her internet strangers have her back if it's a rumble.

bmurphy1128

I would definitely address it if it comes up. We never talked about it and just assumed everyone would stay in the waiting room. Lo and behold 8 cm and in walks my MIL AND FIL!! I about had a cow. And my DH only dropped hints. I had to tell them to hit the road myself. We will be setting boundaries early this time! And I do love both of them dearly. But seriously?!? Haha I can laugh about it now...

kmvincek1

This is definitely annoying for you to be dealing with right now. We don't plan on telling anyone I'm in labor until after the baby is born and we've had some alone time. However my husband's parents are divorced and believe that they still get equal time with him (still believe they are entitled to shared custody of a thirty year old) and they have said years ago that when I have a baby they're coming to stay with us. So it will be a big fight over who gets to come first and then over how long. Oy, at least by then a glass of wine will be OK.

Katerina&Baby

bmurphy1128 said:

I would definitely address it if it comes up. We never talked about it and just assumed everyone would stay in the waiting room. Lo and behold 8 cm and in walks my MIL AND FIL!! I about had a cow. And my DH only dropped hints. I had to tell them to hit the road myself. We will be setting boundaries early this time! And I do love both of them dearly. But seriously?!? Haha I can laugh about it now...

That is horrifying - makes me think I should strike up a conversation with MIL about the crazy stories about overbearing MILs I've been reading on the bump and mention how lucky I am that she would NEVER do that to me (hint hint)

Stormy61

Congrats for holding your ground. She sounds manipulative for saying you aren't invited for the holidays! How crazy is that! ! Hoping you don't let this situation stress you out!

lalamomma

I am so happy your husband stood up to her! Good man!
Don't let her manipulate or guilt you, stay your ground and remind her that while you want her to be an active and happy part of your child's life she must respect the rules and boundaries you set.
I'm now dying that someone's MIL and FIL just walzed in. I would have flipped out. I love my inlaws, but not okay. Especially FIL.

mcp6286

Glad your husband stood up to her and you're justified if you don't pick up another of her calls for the next 8 months! No one needs to deal with this nonsense while pregnant. You are perfectly validated in wanting a private moment. Regardless of what your MIL seems to think, this isn't her day. Stay strong (and enjoy your stress-free holidays!).

taboullio84

Wow .. I can't believe ppl actually get that bent or of shape over waiting 3 seconds down the hall. I'm sure the MIL let every single family member that wanted to go to her birth in there too, right?! When did we lose control over how we givebirth? Try not to stress over it. I know easier said then done. ..

Kalynn85

I can't believe a FIL would do that, but my dad is like that. He did it to my sister, and seeing we nipped MIL's issues. I just won't be telling my dad the right due date.

Thank you ladies, it's amazing how all of us has issues. Lol.

Kalynn85

PenguinMG said:

I think the weirdest thing about this is that your MIL doesn't even know you're pregnant yet. She is a special kind of crazy.

This all started after we got married, last month. She never called before, didn't care about what we were doing. After the honeymoon she became "odd". She wanted to address this and that, this is just one topic she keeps bringing up no matter what conversation we have.

I don't even want to tell them i am pregnant.

housewifebecomesher

Kalynn85 said:

*UPDATE*
On my lunch she calles yelling at me for hurting her feelings, and telling my DH I didn't want her in the room when I give birth.

She said DH said he didn't want her in the room or hospital, and she is causing stress that is unwanted. She however said it must have been really me speaking.

I flat out told her today, I am not comfortable nor will I ever be comfortable with her in the room. I told her my mother wasn't going to be there and she said "You are heartless to exclude us! You are NOT welcomed to the holiday's."

She hang-up and called DH, and repeated what she said. He told her he never planned to come home anyway. She has the whole family stressed, because once DH decides it. Well... it's over and done with. I thank you all for the help, and hopefully she understands now that we aren't kidding.

Good for you. Stick to your guns.