Christian Marraige Advice Please (long)

txbutterfly

Hi, I have been married almost 10 years and have 2 kids 4 and 5. I'm at stay at home mom with a small home based business. I am just trying to figure out if some of these things are normal and what to do about them. My husband is verbally abusive but it's only like once a week, something will set him off (usually messes or something not done right) and he will yell and call me names like slob or idiot. He criticizes everything I do and say and blames me for anything that goes wrong. But a lot of the time he's fine, not really nice but just normal I guess. He works full time normal business hours usually gone 8-6 or 6:30p but he hardly helps with anything around the house (sometimes he does the dishes but I do all the cooking and everything else, we even have a lawn service so he doesn't do that) He never really helps with the kids except for maybe once a month I will really need a break and he will take them to the zoo or something for the afternoon. He will usually just come say goodnight to them and sometimes help brush teeth but most some he doesn't even do that. He sleeps all weekend and I never get to sleep in or nap. He doesn't put any effort into our marriage like planning dates or even talking to me much, worst of all he has not been interested in me physically since even before kids except for once in a blue moon and I like to think I'm an attractive woman so I don't get it. I'm so sad most of the time about our marriage and when he goes into his yelling fits I get anxious for days. It has started to affect the kids and they say things like ' I have to protect mommy from daddy's yelling and I don't like daddy'. One of them started crying all the time at school after his last yelling fit in front of them. Recently I found out he also had racked up a lot of debt of a credit card and hid it from me. I looked at the charges and only saw balance transfers so I'm not sure what it is from, but I feel like I can't trust him financially now. I don't have any reason to think he is cheating but he just isn't open and honest. I even found out his car payment was $150 more a mo than he told me.  I have been going to counseling and he started with me about 6 months ago but only went twice before saying he wouldn't go. After the last blow up I told him either go to counseling or leave so he agreed to go to a different counselor but we will see if he does. I love him and know he loves me but we have so many issues it's hard and I don't know what God wants me to do. Praying he does go to counseling and changes because I really don't want to have to go back to work and leave my kids right now.

Knottie48097161

He sounds like a jerk. Leave him now or you will suffer for another five years and leave him then. You are setting a horrible example for your precious children. God bless.

jlpev

I cant tell you what to do because i dont have much experience with this issue. Just do what's best for your kids!! Take care of yourself & kids. Also maybe you need to play more of a role financially to keep tabs on YOUR finances. Good luck!!

ashaw512

Yea ^^ what they said. This is not a Christian marriage.

DaisyZH

FarmBoysWife said:

You can leave your marriage and still be ok wih God. The church is the bride of Christ and Christ would not be cruel, mean or hide things from others. Love (biblically) doesn't look like that, at all. The greatest commandment is love. Love god love others. Love is plainly laid out by the apostles. Plainly. Yor husband is not exhibiting love and the "fruit" that he is bearin with his children is not loving. You can go to a woman's shelter, I'm sure with a bit of searching you can find one that is at least religious so you may feel more comfortable (it appears your religion is important) Take your kids and leave- if he wants to truly reconcile the marriage than he will do the work. If not he will find someone to biblically absolve the marriage on his own (adultery) and you can protect yor kids. But coming from a bible college and seeing some of my friends go through this I bet you'll see how "Christ like" he truly is.

This is wonderful advice.  I'm so sorry that you are going through this.  You and your family will be in my prayers.  

caybeh

You got some great advice already. Hugs, and prayers to you and your family.

rockyrollgirl

wife07mom09 said:

You can work through this but he needs to want to. what does God want you to do? God wants you to stay married and your children to have a mother and a father living together who love each other second and Christ first. However, verbal abuse is abuse and has no place in a marriage. This is difficult and I would consult a marriage counselor who is both a licensed therapist and pastor. There are many who have gone to seminary not to preach but to counsel and have the skills to effectively give Biblical wisdom with solid clinical advice.
Your children need a safe home free of yelling, fear and anxiety. They need a parent to advocate for them. They need. Parent to show them what a marriage is like. This is not it. Protect your childrn. You also sound a little depressed. This is so hard. I'm sorry. Pm me anytime as I do understand some of this.
Your children need a stable home more than a parent at home keeping them in an unstable environment. I work part time and formerly full time. It's ok. Better sometimes for children. Don't beleive the lie that SAH is the only way to be a " good" mom.
Personally Id give an ultimatum. Go to couples counseling or move out. And much prayer. Also are you a member of a church? You could go to the deacons at the church and have them speak to him. That is a Biblical way to handle conflict.

Are you kidding me with this? No way should she have to stay in an abusive marriage. She dosn't deserve it and neither do her kids.

AliceKC9876

wife07mom09 said:

You can work through this but he needs to want to. what does God want you to do? God wants you to stay married and your children to have a mother and a father living together who love each other second and Christ first. However, verbal abuse is abuse and has no place in a marriage. This is difficult and I would consult a marriage counselor who is both a licensed therapist and pastor. There are many who have gone to seminary not to preach but to counsel and have the skills to effectively give Biblical wisdom with solid clinical advice. Your children need a safe home free of yelling, fear and anxiety. They need a parent to advocate for them. They need. Parent to show them what a marriage is like. This is not it. Protect your childrn. You also sound a little depressed. This is so hard. I'm sorry. Pm me anytime as I do understand some of this. Your children need a stable home more than a parent at home keeping them in an unstable environment. I work part time and formerly full time. It's ok. Better sometimes for children. Don't beleive the lie that SAH is the only way to be a " good" mom. Personally Id give an ultimatum. Go to couples counseling or move out. And much prayer. Also are you a member of a church? You could go to the deacons at the church and have them speak to him. That is a Biblical way to handle conflict.

You give fucking horrible advice! Yikes....

MrsHarking

Pack up your kids and head to the nearest friend or relative you can. Hell, walk into any ER and tell them you're being abused by your husband if you have nowhere else to go . They will get you the help you need. Wife07mom09 that's the worst advice ever. No one who is being abused should stay with their abuser.

**Edited by Mod** Keep the conversation respectful, ladies!

@mrsharking you have a PM Thanks!

Keeptruckin

OP, please let us know what happens if you can and that you are safe. Get out now. You will save yourself years of regret if you leave now. The fact it's causing your children trauma is enough to know it cannot get better.

kcisthebombdotcom

wife07mom09 said:

You can work through this but he needs to want to and stop verbally abusing you immediately . period. 

 what does God want you to do? God wants you to stay married and your children to have a mother and a father living together who love each other second and Christ first.

 However, verbal abuse is abuse and has NO place in a marriage. This is difficult and I would consult a marriage counselor who is both a licensed therapist and pastor. There are many who have gone to seminary not to preach but to counsel and have the skills to effectively give Biblical wisdom with solid clinical advice. 

 Your children need a safe home free of yelling, fear and anxiety. They need a parent to advocate for them. They need a parent to show them what a marriage is like. This is not it. Protect your children. You also sound a little depressed. This is so hard. I'm sorry. Pm me anytime as I do understand some of this. Your children need a stable home more than a parent at home keeping them in an unstable environment. I work part time and formerly full time. It's ok. Better sometimes for children. Don't believe  the lie that SAH is the only way to be a " good" mom. Personally Id give an ultimatum. Go to couples counseling or move out. 

 Also are you a member of a church? You could go to the deacons at the church and have them speak to him with the ultimatum that he stop. 

I know someone who took your advice. Her dh was verbally abusive and her whole family pushed her to leave. He agreed to counseling and promised to be better. He was...that is until his anger got the best of him and he beat his wife unconscious in front of their then 9 and 5 olds. Older child had to run to the neighbors to call 911 and get help while younger child watched in terror. So that's what god wanted--her to stay married only to destroy the lives of all involved? If that's the case your god sucks. You go to counseling when you've lost that loving feeling, you're fighting about money or household stuff. Marriage counseling WILL NOT change an abuser and just delays the inevitable which is the abuser escalates.

Ilumine

FarmBoysWife said:

@wife07mom09‌ I can't even with your post. It really pisses me off someone would come into this post with that kind of bull shit jim jones advice. Ugh. People who say stuff like that are the reason I would never send someone to the church. The church is so incredibly broken it can't help it's own people half the time. Your post is a direct result of a broken church. Still makes me so mad.

Which "church" do you speak of?

Not all sects and not all individual churches believe or respond that way.  Hell, back in the 1960's my Grandmother's Catholic Priest was more than happy to absolve her for getting her tubes tied after her 8th baby when the doctor told her that if she got pregnant (not just had) again, she would both die.  

My Episcopal Church (the international and individual churches) would never force a woman to remain married to an abusive husband.  And they would assist her any way possible. 

I am supposed to accept (and I DO TOTALLY BELIEVE THIS) that being a homosexual does not automatically mean that the person is a pedophile.  And that if a male pedophile abuses boys, that does not mean that he is a homosexual (AGAIN I TOTALLY BELIEVE THIS TO BE TRUE, I am using this as an example)...

then the same can be said about religions and their leaders.  And to say that ALL Religions and ALL Religious Leaders are mysogonistic bastards is wrong.  Because the OP COULD find support from her Church and you have just turned her away from getting some amazing help. 

Ilumine

And NO, I do not believe that the is the ONLY way to get help and that the OP should stay in her marriage or put her entire faith into the Deacons. 

But I do not agree with blanket statements against the church is any better than the blanket statement that the ONLY way to deal with a Christian Marriage is to stay in the church.  

Neither are right or wrong.  

jensriot

Ilumine said:

And NO, I do not believe that the is the ONLY way to get help and that the OP should stay in her marriage or put her entire faith into the Deacons. 

But I do not agree with blanket statements against the church is any better than the blanket statement that the ONLY way to deal with a Christian Marriage is to stay in the church.  

Neither are right or wrong.  

ok, your other references to homosexuals have absolutely no place in this discussion, so I'll just say WUT? to all that.

 

It is entirely possible that the church the OP is involved in would encourage her to stay in this marriage over leaving, because (let's face it) churches CAN have agendas. Not always bad, of course, but they it's a real possi. If that advice COULD be unsafe for the OP, why on earth would anyone advise it? That would be irresponsible. This woman has been posting the same issues for at least 4 years. Obviously her church is not helping. She needs to cut losses and leave.

Ilumine

So again, every single individual church in every single denomination is going to force her to stay in her abusive marriage?  That is your assertion?

rockyrollgirl

Wifeymom. Oh please. Nobody is harassing Christians. Other advice was given and yours was only one that was terrible.

magentawarped

wife07mom09 said:

I agree, counseling works if G

Ilumine said:

And NO, I do not believe that the is the ONLY way to get help and that the OP should stay in her marriage or put her entire faith into the Deacons. 

But I do not agree with blanket statements against the church is any better than the blanket statement that the ONLY way to deal with a

Ilumine said:

And NO, I do not believe that the is the ONLY way to get help and that the OP should stay in her marriage or put her entire faith into the Deacons. 

But I do not agree with blanket statements against the church is any better than the blanket statement that the ONLY way to deal with a Christian Marriage is to stay in the church.  

Neither are right or wrong.  

I think this conversation has turned into a drama fest for the wrong reasons but thank you above for trying here. The fact is this OP came looking for Christian marriage advice. I gave mine. If you are not a Christian this advice was not for you so ignore it. This is a secular board that is anti Christianity to the level is harassment honestly.
If course this lady should not put her faith in the church. Her faith is in Christ. She needs to one make sure her kids are safe. At this moment she is safe physically but her kids are being harmed emotionally. There needs to be a change. There can be a change but he must accept what he has done wrong and change/ he can do that and counseling can help but he must want it. If he doesn't want it then she has to leave and be the protector of her children. I said that in my first post. The point of going to the deacons is to help him see his wrong. She should still leave. She should still be in counseling but is still go to them so he can see his wrong and perhaps one day change and be the husband and father God calls him to be. It's possible but yes it may have to happen with her somewhere else protecting herself and her children from him.

What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Seriously, I want to know. No one on here has harassed anyone about their choice of religion, but yeah, we will call you (and no, I don't mean the general "you") on your antiquated, misinformed, bigoted, and oftentimes potentially harmful advice given under the guise of faith.

So really, fuck off sideways with a Jesus dildo.

OP, get out. Get out now. Not wanting to leave your kids in someone else's care while you work is a really piss poor reason to continue putting both yourself and your kids in danger. I will go ahead and presume to know that God doesn't want that for you.

penguingrrl

OP, I'm so sorry to hear of the troubles you are experiencing. I have a personal experience that left a very bad taste in my mouth regarding religious-based marital advice (a Priest insisted my mother had to stay in her abusive marriage) so I would personal recommend secular counseling as more likely to worry about your safety above all else (I realize that some religious counseling is not bad, but it's very hit or miss and I would worry about who is talking to you given the severity of your situation). And wife momma you can fuck right off. You are so blinded by your religion that you fail to see anyone else's point of view ever and are recommending this woman stay in a very dangerous situation because YOUR God (not everyone's) feels she should. You're a **Edited by Mod - name-calling is never allowed** @penguingrrl you have a PM. Thanks!

zbeesma86

OP- do you have a daughter? If so, and she came to you in this situation, what would you tell her to do?

You need to get your kids and go. Put their safety first. Praying isn't going to work in this situation. You need to make moves and get out before something horrible happens and you are looking back thinking coulda, woulda, shoulda. Go.

Cherryblossoms07

@wife07mom09‌ The wording of your post set people off. You admit that she sounds depressed and is in an abusive relationship. Yet you tell an abused Christian woman "What does God want you to do? God wants you to stay married....for your children to stay living with their mother and father.....". (Paraphrased b/c I am on mobile and cannot copy and paste). Those types of statemements are very powerful to regular Christian couples where there is no abuse. To a Christian woman in an abusive relationship, especially when the abuse has gone on for years, as her post history suggests, those types of statements are extremely harmful. You go on to say that she shouldn't put up with abuse, but you started with a very very strong suggestion to stay ("the word of God"). The word of God is what matters most, correct?!? Who cares what Wife07mom09 thinks after the opening paragraph stating "God's wishes." The way you worded your response creates more guilt and does more harm than actually helps.

jensriot

@wife07mom09 if you find this board to be so harrassing, please go spread your wisdom in the OP's identical thread on Parenting. Ya know, since we're such meanies over here.

jag101

zbeesma86 said:

OP- do you have a daughter? If so, and she came to you in this situation, what would you tell her to do?

You need to get your kids and go. Put their safety first. Praying isn't going to work in this situation. You need to make moves and get out before something horrible happens and you are looking back thinking coulda, woulda, shoulda. Go.

All of this. And if you have a son and you saw him treat his wife this way because that is what he thinks is normal behavior? How long before he starts treating the kids that way?

Looking forward, which will be the healthier role model, an abusive father or seeing their mother being strong, and leaving a bad situation to create a better life for you guys?

Hopefully you are able to turn to the members of your church for support and understanding.

Best of luck to you, in whichever decision you choose.

NicoleWI

I think it's really unfortunate that this whole thread went from being focused on the OP, to repeatedly attacking a different poster. This is no longer helpful to OP.

MesmrEwe

Bringing it back to the OP...

1) While counseling is great, if he hates your counselor or it's "just not his thing" - then you need to be your own marriage's counselor in the respect that the counselor's job is to get the lines of communication open and stay neutral during the process.  You need to confront the problem issues, not shield them.  Approach the situation from a "Meta" position - let him know it's o.k. for him to open up about the stresses of the day to you without judgment or argument.  Usually the issues are really simple in the grand scheme of things (wife wants flowers once in a while, husband's boss is a jerk, both need more nukky time, budget cuts need to be made, need  a "getaway" weekend - from each other, each are too caught up in their own "jobs" that they both forget to nourish the relationship that brought them together, etc.).  If finances are an issue and there's no place that can be cut, maybe you go back to work. A Christian value is not to lie - remove the lying from your marriage - the truth may hurt, but it's better than living a lie.

2) Being the "submissive" wife DOES NOT equal "the wife is a door mat".   During the process of opening the communications back up, you need to set the ground rules in your "tone" that this is the end of those behaviors TODAY! -  "DH - I'm NOT going to accept you EVER calling me (names) again!"

3) You've got a lot of decisions to make.   Only you know all of the specifics. If you're both checked out of the relationship you two need to be adults and either get checked back in because if the marriage isn't worth fighting for, neither is any of the "stuff"...  It takes TWO to make a marriage.  Either you both work things out together or you work things out to split.  It first starts with standing up for yourself to say "NO!  I'm not going to allow you to treat me abusively! EVER!"

eaglesfan700

Lol that this board is harassing Chrstians, when wife07 repeatedly has called everyone sinners

OP, you have gotten some great advice from most posters. I hope you get help for yourself and your children. Good luck

mandymack

NicoleWI said:

I think it's really unfortunate that this whole thread went from being focused on the OP, to repeatedly attacking a different poster. This is no longer helpful to OP.

@NicoleWI I agree with this and would like to ask EVERYONE in this thread to please, remain respectful and within the Terms of Use. You can express how much you disagree with statements and ideals and advice but there's no need to point the attack at wife07momma09 nor for her to attack anyone else. To those that this applies to: PMs are being sent and you've been tagged on this board - No name-calling and if this poster or this thread is just completely unacceptable to you, use the flagging feature to report it so it can be further looked into. Thanks!

However, I also agree with @petrastonegirl that, when you feel inclined to, picking apart what you consider to be unhelpful advice, can benefit the person who originally asked for the help. Be careful when bringing up religion and politics, ladies, it almost never goes over smoothly.

mandymack

@lalamama81 - we have a new BumpGod and the Terms of Use AND Moderating guidelines are both being overhauled so, things ARE changing; however, nowhere in my post above did I regulate what anyone could discuss. My "be respectful" suggestion was a friendly reminder since so much of the recent events surrounded the Terms of Use and violations of it.

Y'all are free to discuss anything you want, as always!

ETA: my fat fingers made too many spelling errors.

zbeesma86

Oh I'm sorry. Someone comes here talking about an emotionally abusive spouse & we are supposed to tell her to suck it up because God would have wanted that. Yeah. Right.

And no one is attacking. We are stating our opinions. Like we used to be ale to do. But this board just isn't what it used to be. 
 

Pretty sure OP isn't coming back anyway. But thanks for the heads up. 

jensriot

@mandymack I'm confused. In the past I've read on these boards that using the reporting feature because we don't agree or dislike a comment is abuse of the reporting function. The threads themselves are meant for debate. Reporting is for violations of TOU and spam. Can you clarify?

ToastieSimons

I am an extremely conservative Christina.

Yes, God wants you to be married to have a mother and father role model for your children.  He wants your children to grow up with an example of what marriage and love are supposed to look like

You are NOT in a marriage.  You are being ABUSED!  Your husband is not honoring his vows and he is not being a father to his children.  

God also calls you to protect your children after all, they are his children.  Your first step is to leave your husband and get you and your children into a safe environment.  Then you can work on your marriage and your husbands abusive ways.  

I'm not saying people can never change, my DH was an alcoholic and now he's sober after therapy/counseling, but you and your children are in DANGER on a daily basis.

God created you in his image, therefore you are person worthy of love and honor.  Is your husband treating you in a way that reflects this?  Would you allow someone else to treat your children that way? 

I can't tell you if divorce, counseling or staying married is the right way to go.  But the bible does say you need to protect your children and bring them up in household that glorifies the Lord.  Your husband is not glorifying the Lord.  When did Jesus lay his hands upon another apostle?  When did the Jesus verbally abuse his followers?  When did he steal things, or lie? He didn't.  Your husband should be striving to have a godly marriage full of honor, trust, respect, and Love.

mandymack

LalaMama81 said:

jensriot said:

@mandymack I'm confused. In the past I've read on these boards that using the reporting feature because we don't agree or dislike a comment is abuse of the reporting function. The threads themselves are meant for debate. Reporting is for violations of TOU and spam. Can you clarify?

Yes, when the flagging feature was added it was very clear that it was for spam or TOU violations only (though, who knows these days what a violation is). 

Correct, just because you don't like a user or disagree in itself IS NOT the appropriate use of the reporting feature. Flagging is to be used for spam, name-calling, direct call-outs (starting a post with a users name just to further blast them on their beliefs OR to call them names OR to tell them to leave the Bump because they don't belong here, etc., etc.), being malicious (use your best judgement and remember that the bump, for the most part, has a "if you can dish it, you'd better be able to take it" unwritten policy), harassing a user (not contributing anything helpful but rather continuing to tear them down, bring up past wrongs, put words in their mouth to make them further look bad to the community, etc., etc.), just to name the major ones.

However, In this past year, many of us have seen things and been offended by things that, had they been flagged, would've gotten the proper attention, like the conversations surrounding the "hate speech" controversy and all the rumblings about the word "sinner" being thrown around. Those things ARE TOU violations as they "contribute to a negative environment" and are "offensive". It would be helpful for you to explain WHY you are flagging something when you do it so we can get your specific perspective. While I can't comment on specifics regarding what I just said (who got warned and for what and when) nor can I go back and right past wrongs, everything in the reporting forum gets the attention of every single Bump moderator and we work together with BumpMay to set a precedence for what is/isn't a TOU violation. Just like the tax code, that is subject to change but mods won't leave you all in the dark. We will continue to communicate on what we know as soon as we know it.

Mods aren't online 24/7, things get missed, so flagging violations or tagging me/PMing me in a post is the best way to get our attention.

To be clear about warnings and bannings: I am not going to ban anyone who incorrectly flags something, that's ludicrous. However, if you have received multiple warnings to stop abusing the flagging feature and have been made aware of what, specifically, you are doing that is abuse, you may find yourself banned. You can protest any warnings by PMing BumpMay. PMs are sent to anyone who abuses the flagging feature so they know and I'm happy to answer any questions about general (not about a specific user) TOU violations at any time. Just page me in a separate post or tag me in a post where you feel something is a violation. OR send me a PM!

As far as hearing feedback about something you have flagged, this is where I think a lot of the confusion still lies, because you (the person who did the flagging) may never actually SEE the results of that. We don't discuss warnings/banings as of right now but that's not to say that, in the future, you (the person who did the flagging) won't get some sort of notification. Would it be helpful to receive a "thank you for the flag, I am looking into this?" at all? I'm not saying I can make this happen but I'm always more than willing to bring forth your recommendations as this community is built by you all.

mandymack

LalaMama81 said:

mandymack said:

@lalamama81 - we have a new BumpGod and the Terms of Use AND Moderating guidelines are both being overhauled so, things ARE changing; however, nowhere in my post above did I regulate what anyone could discuss. My "be respectful" suggestion was a friendly reminder since so much of the recent events surrounded the Terms of Use and violations of it.

Y'all are free to discuss anything you want, as always!

ETA: my fat fingers made too many spelling errors.

Eh, saying that things never go smoothly & to "be careful" WRT certain topics is getting pretty close. 

I don't get it. Either people violated or they didn't. If they didn't, then there is no reason to send PMs or warnings or whatever. Lot's of posts could be considered disrespectful. 

I get where you are coming from but my general warnings was to those people who DID violate the TOU in this post and those users were sent PMs.

And I completely agree with you - what's disrespectful to one user isn't to another and that is why all mods and BumpMay are currently overhauling the TOU and mod guidelines so we as mods can help clarify things for you all.

mandymack

auroraloo said:

@mandymack, you're surely not serious. No one is attacking wifemommy, merely asking that she not give a hurting woman advice that may come across as telling her to suck it up because that's in God's plan. 

There is not a single violation of the TOU here, so the pre-emptive "warning" is unnecessary. 

I didn't accuse anyone of attacking a user what I said was:

"there's no need to point the attack at wife07momma09 nor for her to attack anyone else"

Meaning, the name-calling. You can damn her IDEAS and her ADVICE all the hell but you can't call her names as that is a direct attack per the TOU.

ETA: clarifying

HBirdie

Ilumine said:

I think this conversation has turned into a drama fest for the wrong reasons but thank you above for trying here. The fact is this OP came looking for Christian marriage advice. I gave mine. If you are not a Christian this advice was not for you so ignore it. This is a secular board that is anti Christianity to the level is harassment honestly.
---------end quote-----------------------
@wife07mom09‌
This is patently untrue. I am a Christian, so are many other posters here. I don't feel harassed in the slightest. Honestly, I'm always fairly surprised at how calmly and rationally religious issues can be discussed here.

I think the reason you're having problems here is twofold. One, you seem to have a much more extreme belief system than many people here. Two, your presentation always, always leaves something to be desired. You present your opinions as biblical fact fairly often. You make blanket statements and often refuse to entertain that there may be another, equally valid, way to think about an issue.

Today you started your advice with "God wants you to stay married" to a victim of spousal abuse. As a PP said, everything after that was static because she's scared and obviously wants to honor God with her actions. Perhaps if you had worded things better, the rest of your advice *could* be valuable. But instead of coming back and seeing the issue with what you said, you cry harassment.

Your wording, coupled with your post history on subjects like this, doesn't really let anyone give you the benefit of the doubt that maybe you misspoke.

I just wanted to give you a very respectful explanation of why your posts here aren't well received. If you truly want to try to represent Christ in this forum, you may want to step back and give some thought to the way you present your beliefs.

OP: I am so, so sorry you are in this situation. I hope that you will read everything here and see that the overwhelming majority of people stand behind you and are urging you to leave your husband.

Unfortunately, one of my best friends is dealing with a very similar issue right now, and after several years of yelling and physical intimidation, her husband hurt her badly while she was holding their five month old and their three year old was watching. It's heartbreaking to see the devastating effects this has had on her and her children.

I hope you will pray and find support in the form of friends, family, and a counselor. I would also urge you to look into DV resources in your city... Our local agency helps women pay bills, find a new place to live, file parenting plans, and so much more. Leaving is scary and filled with unknown, but staying will definitely be worse in the long run.

Best of luck, and please keep us updated. You are an amazing mom for taking this first step to protect yourself and your children by reaching out here to ask for help and advice.

rosesandpetals

I can't tell who the biggest lunatic in this thread is. Someone posts about being abused and the responses are, "Ask your priest for help", "Not all pedophiles are gay", and "stop talking about religion... if you want". The mod is spanking long time regs for "name calling" but letting the "I totes believe all gays aren't pedophiles" comments in red bolded caps slide.

rosesandpetals

wife07mom09 said:

I agree, counseling works if G

And NO, I do not believe that the is the ONLY way to get help and that the OP should stay in her marriage or put her entire faith into the Deacons. 

But I do not agree with blanket statements against the church is any better than the blanket statement that the ONLY way to deal with a

And NO, I do not believe that the is the ONLY way to get help and that the OP should stay in her marriage or put her entire faith into the Deacons. 

But I do not agree with blanket statements against the church is any better than the blanket statement that the ONLY way to deal with a Christian Marriage is to stay in the church.  

Neither are right or wrong.  

I think this conversation has turned into a drama fest for the wrong reasons but thank you above for trying here. The fact is this OP came looking for Christian marriage advice. I gave mine. If you are not a Christian this advice was not for you so ignore it. This is a secular board that is anti Christianity to the level is harassment honestly. If course this lady should not put her faith in the church. Her faith is in Christ. She needs to one make sure her kids are safe. At this moment she is safe physically but her kids are being harmed emotionally. There needs to be a change. There can be a change but he must accept what he has done wrong and change/ he can do that and counseling can help but he must want it. If he doesn't want it then she has to leave and be the protector of her children. I said that in my first post. The point of going to the deacons is to help him see his wrong. She should still leave. She should still be in counseling but is still go to them so he can see his wrong and perhaps one day change and be the husband and father God calls him to be. It's possible but yes it may have to happen with her somewhere else protecting herself and her children from him.

I'm supposed to believe that not all Christians are pedophiles (and I TOTES BELIEVE THIS) and not every person who molests a child is a Christian (and I TOTES BELIEVE THIS). Then the same logic can be applied to sandwiches and whether or not they have pickles.

Do you see how offensive and fucking stupid that sounds? This board isn't being anti-Christian, it's being anti-homophobia.

rosesandpetals

wife07mom09 said:

auroraloo said:

@mandymack, you're surely not serious. No one is attacking wifemommy, merely asking that she not give a hurting woman advice that may come across as telling her to suck it up because that's in God's plan. 

There is not a single violation of the TOU here, 

you are kidding right?

If you feel so slighted, why do you keep coming here? I don't know the hell you meant to say, but I can tell you that telling someone who is being abused that God wants her kids to have a mother and father role model is the opposite of helpful. Yeah, you followed it up with "he also wants you to be safe" but losing a father-figure for her kids is obviously a concern she's going to have to pointing it out is not a way to make her feel better about leaving. And an abusive man is not a father figure anyway. Why would you even mention that? Your advice is 80 shades of terrible and you should stop trying to give it.

FFS, this is Hav all over again. No one is misunderstood this often.

MrsHarking

Some people posting in this thread are damn fools. I don't care what your religious affiliation is, you don't tell an abused woman to stay with her abuser. Really? Jesus wouldn't want that.

Linnea503

OP, I just wanted to add some practical advice. Leave your husband quickly and soon, but first open a bank account, get copies of your and your kids' birth certificates and social security cards out of the house, transfer as much money as you can into your own account, change all your passwords, and just generally prepare. When you deliver the news to him, do it in public or with another trusted adult present. Make sure your children are somewhere else. Try to make arrangements to stay with family and begin to look into childcare options so you can support yourself.

My heart breaks for you. Please let us know how you are doing.

txbutterfly

Thank you for your replies, didn't mean to start a debate, just looking for biblical advice. I have left with my kids for a night and said if he didn't change I wouldn't come back and of course he promised to change. I did go talk to a pastor and he recommended my husband come in to talk to him too but he won't since he goes there sometimes. He said some of the same stuff everyone here is saying that God wants husbands to love their wives not belittle them. He said to try to get him to go to counseling too and that if he doesn't get help then a separation may be needed. He did say divorce is a sin like any other that would be forgivable especially if I'm protecting myself or my kids. However some of my Christian friends think that other than physical abuse or cheating there is no biblical reason to leave and that we should keep trying to get counseling and work it out. One even said divorce is much harder on kids than verbal abuse. Also my kids say the bad stuff about him after a rage episode but then when he's nice they love him.  It's confusing since he's nice most the time and  it's hard to know what is normal arguing and what is abuse, even though the counselor I've been seeing usually says its abuse when he name calls, etc. Does anyone have anything to say on not being interested in me physically? Not sure if it's related to the abuse like withholding or if he's just depressed and acting out in anger and withdrawing. He said he will go to counseling this week, so we will see.

penguingrrl

(((hugs))). I have no advice on the lack of physical attraction.

But I do have experience on the rest. My father was fun and funny and smart when he wasn't being verbally and emotionally abusive. The scars from that abuse are with me still at 33, having not spoken to him in over 5 years. It took the abuse crossing the line into physical before my mother left and her biggest regret was that she didn't leave sooner.  She was told by her priest (she was Catholic) that leaving would be a sin and told she had committed to him for life and couldn't leave and remain in good standing with the church (despite the fact that she actually had grounds for annulment, which would have left her in good standing). It took the abusive becoming physical and escalating incredibly quickly to attempted murder for her to leave him and my sister (who was 13 at the time) had to be the one to call the police.

Living with divorced parents is not a terrible thing for children. Our home was terribly broken until my father moved out and our lives were much better once he was gone. When he was there we were walking on eggshells all the time, afraid to do anything that might provoke him. It was like constantly holding your breath. Once he was gone we realized just how awful it had been.

Good luck and I wish you strength as you go through this process. It's not easy. And despite what religious leaders may say, divorce is not a sin. Not when there is abuse involved. And if someone in an official capacity tries to say that you need to find a new faith home because they aren't looking out for your safety and well being. Guilting an abuse victim into staying in an abusive relationship is one of the biggest sins you can commit.