Guilt about seeking child support

ejpetey

Hi all- I intro'd a while back but just as a refresher I'm due in 4 weeks- the pregnancy was a surprise with someone I was casually dating at the time. Now that I'm getting closer I've put a lawyer on retainer and starting to think about the logistics around child support, etc. - but BD says that since I was the only one with a "choice" in this matter (I did remind him that he also chose to take his pants off) that it's not fair to hold him accountable for "my" choice (to have the baby). While I know the law is on the baby's side here, I can't help but somewhat see his point. However doing this without any support from him would be really really tough.
I'm really trying to look at this as not about me and doing what's best for the baby but I guess I wouldn't mind hearing from others who have been in this situation. Thanks in advance...

20thirteen

I can't give you advice with getting support from BD because I chose not to pursue my BD.

However, if you are hurting financially, there are some good resources you can look into. Do you have insurance? Allkidscovered.com, you can sign up baby for sure and I think you can be covered too, for up to a year maybe? Also, if you need help for daycare, go to your state's DHS website or google "subsidized childcare + [your state]" and sign up now for childcare. Where I live, I'm still waiting to be re-approved for July-December. Seriously. Also, you have to re-apply every 6mo (at least, that's the case here). You could also apply for WIC, I don't know the website but you can google that too. I am not eligible for it, but its food stamps I believe.

Regs, am I missing anything? I feel like I am but I can't think of anything else...

ejpetey

Thanks @20thirteen‌ - do you mind sharing why you didn't pursue (or point me to a past thread where you discussed it)? I'm pretty sure I don't qualify for most of the assistance out there, but I also live in a very expensive city (cheapest day care center I can find is almost $1600/mo), which will make all of this really hard on one income.

ST3WD

It's so f*cking sucky he's guilting you into seeing reason in his flawed logic. You are absolutely right when you said he had a choice when he took off his pants. 

If you're a big enough boy to have intercourse, then you accept the responsibility of any possible outcome, including pregnancy.

If he feels so strongly about "not being ready" or how he "wanted an abortion," then it's his responsibility to talk to you about the what-if scenarios BEFORE even having sex. 

No one likes having those discussions. They're icky topics and awkward with the wrong people, which is part of why they're recommended in junior high. They serve as warning flags for all parties involved. 

I in no way think guys are evil or anything, but I do get irked when I hear the "I didn't have a choice" nonsense. Yes, you did. You waved your opportunity to discuss it beforehand, accepting responsibility. You took you pants off and had consensual intercourse, accepting responsibility. Don't like the consequences? Stay away from the action. 

(Sorry.)

*ends rant*

As for the actually course of action of seeking c/s, I'm currently starting my research. I haven't found a lawyer yet, so you're further along in the process than I am. I'll be lurking and using advice given when it applies.

Good luck, Mama. Do what's best for your LO, and I hope and pray everything turns out favorably. 

MinnesotaMomma91

Im on state assitance and a requirment of that is that youve at least filed and done everything you can to be recieving child support.

I probably would done so anyway. My bd owes me nothing but he at least owes our son financial support. Like @20thirteen said there are other paths of recieving finacial help aside from cs which can open its own can of worms.

Check out state coverage for insurance, apply for food stamps, wic, day care assistance, etc. Coupon shop(cartwheele for target is a big one but other stores have phone apps as well) im a castco member my bf is a sams club member.

Buy diapers in the econo size(its cheaper to buy diapers in bulk)

20thirteen

Oh! Amazonmon! Amazon offers "amazonmom" that gives you like 1 free year of Prime membership and you can subscribe to items and get a discount.

I chose not to because the only income my BD has (or last I heard) was from selling drugs. I told him that we would be perfectly fine without him and that I wanted nothing from him. Because he does not have a job (at least, last I heard, not a legitimate one), and because I want him to actually grow a spine (long story), I chose not to pursue because all it would do is put him in jail. Which wouldn't do either of us any good. I'm not out to be vindictive, and I'd rather not have to see him anyway. I *do* want him to have a relationship with DD but he hasn't been in contact with me for almost 5 months. He hasn't seen her since January.

I am in contact with his mother because I allowed her to be a part of DD's life. I'm sure she sends him updates. Which is annoying.

That's just me, though. Everyone else pretty much is seeking support. Some days I think maybe I'll file because I can't afford certain things but then I think "I've got this, we have all our necessities. We don't *need* x, y, z." And I hope that helps DD in the long run. You know, living frugally and learning to really appreciate the things she has.

acbarbour

Please don't feel guilty or not pursue child support out of some sense of fairness that will be largely unfair to you and your LO in the long run. I had similar feelings and did not pursue C/S until my DS was almost two and even then only because I needed assistance with insurance for my DS and the state requires applying for c/s.  

What that translated to was me making payment arrangements will my utilities to keep my lights on because I struggled to pay for day care and rent at the same time.  I harbored a lot of resentment towards my BD because he got to live how he wanted while I was strapping my walking child in the car seat at the Laundromat because he didn't have shoes.  I don't have pictures of my DS as a kid because that was an extra expense I couldn't afford.  This was just my experience and hopefully will not be yours.  I had a good job with good benefits when I had my DS but that changed unexpectedly and left me in a very tight spot. 

The c/s was to help provide for the only innocent in the situation.  I was guilty of making the same unfortunate decision as my BD, unprotected sex.  The only way that I would consider not pursuing c/s would be if I wanted to distance myself from the BD as they could be harmful to the child (legal, abuse, or mental instability).

Sorry for my novel but the moral of the story is absolutely go for child support.  Keep things in perspective and request what is needed not what you want.  What helped me to keep things "fair" in my mind is to request half of my DS's expenses monthly not what it takes me to live monthly.  When BD was unemployed I asked for the same amount as when he was making 6 figures exactly what was needed.  Also be prepared to not receive anything even with a court order. 

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