Need some advice on how to handle unwanted advice on how to raise my child -warning a bit of ranting

Leahandshaughn

Good Morning ladies! 

i need to pick your brain on a situation that has occurred and i'm not sure how to tackle it with out being rude (to put it nicely) .

So i'm 20 weeks pregnant with my first child and couldn't be more over the moon! My whole family is so excited about the baby, this being the first grandchild for my side and the second for my husbands (my nephew is 13). As you all know and heard about everyone giving you advice on how to raise your children before, well its already started for me and my kiddo hasn't even arrived...

So i have a very close relationship with my MIL, shes like a second mom to me. She has raised 3 kids and all are doing very well in life. Well i told her i plan on breast feeding my baby for many reasons, 1) its bonding time with my child 2)even tho formula has come a long way i feel its still better nutrition (Nothing against formula but this is my choice and 3) breast milk is free where formula is expensive. i do plan on pumping just to have milk on back-up in case of date nights, give my husband some bonding time and if i'm either away from the baby and someone is watching him (i.e. napping, showering, or doing quick running around). Well my MIL was apprehensive about me doing this but she accepted my decision. This issue is she is pushing the fact i should still supplement formula once a day and i don't feel the need or want to. I've been told by my mommy friends, and doctors that supplementing can reduce your flow of milk and i don't feel the need when i have perfectly good breast milk. the thing is she wont let the fact go even tho I've told her no i'm giving my child breast milk and i plan on pumping and storing the extra. (I'm also aware that in the case the baby wont latch or i don't produce enough milk i will have to use formula and I've accepted that fact) 

Another thing is my baby is due March 20th and at the end of April there is a expo in another city 3 hrs away my husband and i usually go to. Well thinking about how close those dates are the the likely hood ill probably be late i don't see us going. taking a newborn one a 3 hr car ride to a hotel and walking around with a huge stroller in a super crowed expo center doesn't sound like fun. so my MIL has told me to give the baby to her to watch over the weekend and i should go. maybe its the hormones but i really makes me mad that they would suggest me leaving my not even a month old to go "party". and the thing is they push the fact and when i say no that's WAY to soon i'm told i'm over protective and need to loosen up and then keep pestering me to go and leave my newborn behind. I know they are trying to help but it makes me so mad! they also say after a month i'll want to leave my baby. why the hell would I want to leave my child so young, ya i'll most likely be tired and want a break but not a freaking trip (sorry ladies it really bothers me).

What would you do cause so far talking to them doesn't work... i just want to avoid them right now

FemShep

Don't talk to them-ignore it.  Your baby, your rules.  Just don't engage on the subjects any more.

MIL:  So did you buy any formula yet?

You:  No, you know we're going to breastfeed exclusively.  Hey, did you see that new movie/watch the game/try the bean dip?

MIL:  I'll watch the baby for the weekend.

You:  Thanks for the very nice offer, but we're not going this year.  Hey did you see that new movie/watch the game/try the bean dip?

You're going to get a ton of advice; it will only be an issue if you let it become one.  You can't control people giving you advice, but you can control how you react to it.  Your best bet is to acknowledge the advice, thank the giver for their concern, and change the subject.  

Leahandshaughn

your 110% right! i really should just ignore them. i think its just my hormones making me extra mad about it.

Weezy56

I was just going to give you the bean-dip advice as well. Just refuse to engage with her about it. She can talk to herself for only so long.

I would also suggest not explaining your reasons for your choices if it comes up again, because you don't owe anyone an explanation for why you don't want to supplement, go to the expo, etc.

You (and all of us) will be getting unsolicited parenting advice from all kinds of people for the next 18 years. Just don't engage and let the comments roll off your back.

jennypolkadots

Just ignore it.

Everyone parents differently. You will get unsolicited advice for the rest of your kid's life rather you like it or not, so just learn to smile and nod. If this is the worst so far, you are so lucky! I've had several people critique our birth plan, my breastfeeding goals, items on my registry, etc. but it doesn't bother me. They made different decisions and it worked for them, and most people can't imagine doing things any other way than what worked for them.

I do agree that if she keeps pressing these issues you have to get your husband to nip it in the bud. She made her case, you stated you don't agree... she needs to move on. 

chicagojackie

Good advice from PP's. Ignore this lady. First it's the breastfeeding thing. Then it will be sleeping arrangements. Then potty training. Then juice. You need to just politely tell her how you're going to do it (don't lecture her, just say what you're doing, and move on).

Also if you're going to be away from baby all weekend you're going to need to pump. The baby is a way better breast pump. If you want to go somewhere with the baby take a sling or a front carrier (think Ergobaby) and nurse on demand and bring a breast pump with you if you are already doing that (or don't).

If your MIL really starts pushing you, ask DH to gently tell her to back off on the advice and that you are already overwhelmed and not feeling supported.

janda426

Yeah you need to just stop explaining yourself and engaging in it. Your MIL has no input on anything regarding raising your child; she's done that part with her son. That's over for her. She gets to be supportive now or shut up. OR give you advice only when you ask for it. The bean dip approach is the best solution- just firmly state that youre done talking about it and change the topic.

janda426

Oh god wait a minute is your husbands name Shaughn ? Like Shawn? Good lord that woman must have issues.

honkytonk_kid

"Well, we'll see..." 

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

There's no reason for you to explain your choices to anyone, let alone someone just arguing with you. So next time it comes up, "Well, we'll see how breastfeeding goes." Change subject. "Well, we'll see how I feel about leaving a 1 month old." Change subject. 

jlovesky

I agree with all posts here. The choices for your child are up to you. The unsolicited advice from relatives, friends & strangers will continue to roll in but you can't let them change your thinking or reasoning for how you want to raise your child. I can see your hesitation in not wanting to completely disregard her thoughts or feelings but I am also a strong advocate for breastfeeding & I've actually known moms who have babies that do not take well at all to trying to supplement formula but to each their own!

As for the expo, I agree that it will be hard to know until closer to that time if you would be feeling like you might enjoy the get away. If you feel it would be a completely "non-baby friendly environment" I would not consider taking baby but at the same time, after having one, I think that age can actually be a pretty easy time to take them places (especially if you are the food source). Maybe a little trip away with baby in tow could be nice.

All up to you! I wish you luck!!!

Leahandshaughn

lmao! no Shaughn (yes like shawn) is my brother. I made this page for the knott to help out my now sister in law plan her wedding (i was maid of honor). I've just kept using this page cause why not!  

Whitfry

I agree on the do not engage advice. This is how I've had to handle my MIL ever since I met her. In the long run, it will help save your sanity.

I also would not leave your kid alone with MIL since she has proven herself unsupportive. I wouldn't trust her not to just go ahead and "supplement".

How is your DH in this whole thing? Is he supportive of your BFing desires? Does he hold his ground against his mother? His support will be really important in navigating this situation.

vintagemom42

It happened to me with my daughter. Mi ex MIL bought formula behind my back because she said it might be needed.... and I didn't allow her to be close to my daughter until she was 3. I didn't allow no one to get on the way of my breastfeeding relationship. And it was an awesome one. Don't allow no one to tell you how to raise your child. They committed their mistakes on their own. You have the right to grow as a mom with your baby. Don't let people get in the way. Be polite, change the subject, but be firm when things get out of hand. Best of luck.

YogaSandy

Agree with PPs. Just ignore and continue on. Some of it may not even be an issue come later. I EBF my son. I had no intentions of supplementing (unless I had to). I pumped. He refused (flat out refused - like someone was torturing him) to take a bottle. He just would not do it.

DS is 13 months. I have never left him more than 4 hours. MIL always used to say she couldn't wait for him to have a sleepover at her house. I just said no and moved on. Every time.

Now, it wasn't possible anyway. He still does not STTN and only now eats only twice throughout the night. Up until recently, it was still every two hours (my mom kept telling me to let him CIO - just told her no, I will feed him) and since he won't take a bottle - he can't sleep over. So I don't have to really deal with the "requests" because he can't do it anyway.

We're thinking of Vegas when DS is just over two for the marathon. We'll probably bring him (and a babysitter) because no way will I leave him for three days. That's just me though. People have learned (not that they have a choice) that I don't want to be away from my son.

katiebug66

I agree with the "we will see" because honestly you don't know either how it will all go. With DS, I wasn't away from him til he was 18 months. With DD she was a week old before I left her for a few hours. PP hormones are beyond crazy. As far as the 3 hour car ride goes, both my kids have done it at less than a month old with no problem. Just be prepared to stop. You need to find a way to deal with her now. Whether it is ignore her or confront her, it won't stop. I just always smile and change the subject. Because you just won't know what any day holds once you have kids. You can have great plans and one of them gets a fever and you stay at home all day. It just changes dramatically.