to tell or not to tell?

nlscroggins

As most of you know, DH and I were matched with an expectant mom at the end of September. Baby boy is due in January, and we are over the moon excited, but also being realistic and calm knowing that so. many. things. can happen between now and then. Of course we have let our parents know and I've told my sisters, because they're all excited and have been on this journey with us. However, we haven't told DH's siblings yet (we aren't close with them), and we haven't told any of our friends or anything. 

As much as I want to shout it from the rooftops, we both kind of want to keep it hush hush until we are feeling more confident. So those who have been there- what did you do? Did you tell everyone right away? Did you have "showers" and all? Did you make it "facebook official" and announce it to your friends? So many people have been there for us throughout this process, following our story, praying and hoping and wishing with us... and I feel like we should let them know, but we are so worried that it may not work out and then we would disappoint people in the end. Are we being totally crazy? I know this is so trivial a thing to worry about so forgive me if I sound dumb. I do want to add that we know and realize that baby is not at all in any way ours yet, so I don't want to sound that way. I just want to know if it's appropriate to let others in on our joy, or should we keep it quiet until he's home with us?

summergirl79

We told our family and friends, but did not announce on Facebook or have any showers until after we were home with DS.  In highsight we probably told too many people, but it was a very quick match & we had to cancel a party we were having and shared the reason why.  GL!  

Dr.Loretta

IMO it's a personal decision, much like announcing a pregnancy early. If you think these people will be a support for you if it falls through, by all means let them know now. If you feel the untelling would be too hard, keep it to your inner circle until you have a baby home and then surprise them

CarolinaGirl2014

I think dr.loretta hit it spot on. Coming from the view you have, there's no right and wrong-it's your personality that determines what's best. A's Mom told family and office (as she planned to go from full to part time) early on and friends later, but Facebook isn't her style. I don't think she'd announce a pregnancy openly. She had a shower because her friends wanted to and I pushed her. She didn't try to lay claim on A but in my mind she was also Mom already and I wanted her to experience the joy of expecting. She always approached it as a maybe, which family and friends respected.

A friend recently announced it on Facebook as a done deal with obviously very little thought to "birthmom" (cue mean mug) and that rubbed me the wrong way.

nlscroggins

my big huge issue mainly is my MIL. she's mad that she has to keep it a secret (due to our wishes), and she always snidely lets me know. she's even told us that her and DH's sister have been talking about a shower (um what? DH's sister doesn't even know unless MIL blabbed)... and she acted offended when I said we didn't want a shower before he's born. I just don't think it's unreasonable of us to not want to announce, but she's treating us like we are nuts! I guess we should have never even said a word haha. I'm soooo glad I have you ladies to talk about it all with, or I'd go insane!

Dr.Loretta

nlscroggins said:

my big huge issue mainly is my MIL. she's mad that she has to keep it a secret (due to our wishes), and she always snidely lets me know. she's even told us that her and DH's sister have been talking about a shower (um what? DH's sister doesn't even know unless MIL blabbed)... and she acted offended when I said we didn't want a shower before he's born. I just don't think it's unreasonable of us to not want to announce, but she's treating us like we are nuts! I guess we should have never even said a word haha. I'm soooo glad I have you ladies to talk about it all with, or I'd go insane!

She just sounds excited to me. I had a co-worker so excited about our adoption plans that she begged to throw a shower.

lorifromwi

nlscroggins said:

my big huge issue mainly is my MIL. she's mad that she has to keep it a secret (due to our wishes), and she always snidely lets me know. she's even told us that her and DH's sister have been talking about a shower (um what? DH's sister doesn't even know unless MIL blabbed)... and she acted offended when I said we didn't want a shower before he's born. I just don't think it's unreasonable of us to not want to announce, but she's treating us like we are nuts! I guess we should have never even said a word haha. I'm soooo glad I have you ladies to talk about it all with, or I'd go insane!

Your MIL is very similiar to my mom.  I agree with Dr. Loretta that this is coming from a place of excitement, but at the same time they need to respect your wishes.  I chose to stick to my guns and deal with the snide comments from my mom about waiting to announce our little bundle coming in February, more comments when she had to wait 4 days for the gender reveal party and I'm sure there will be more along the way.  My mom told me she could never keep it a secret that long...which at least I agree with!!  (Which is why we stuck to our guns!)

Good luck...do what's right for you!

leisemomtobe

I have yet to be where you are in this process, but I think it's a matter of personal choice. There isn't a right or wrong answer. I know I would be super excited and wanting to tell the world but also knowing anything could happen until those papers are signed. I know how you feel with your MIL, mine is sort of the same, but I think deep down, she's just really excited for you and wants to show it. As many have said, you have to do what's right for you!

CarolinaGirl2014

nlscroggins said:

my big huge issue mainly is my MIL. she's mad that she has to keep it a secret (due to our wishes), and she always snidely lets me know. she's even told us that her and DH's sister have been talking about a shower (um what? DH's sister doesn't even know unless MIL blabbed)... and she acted offended when I said we didn't want a shower before he's born. I just don't think it's unreasonable of us to not want to announce, but she's treating us like we are nuts! I guess we should have never even said a word haha. I'm soooo glad I have you ladies to talk about it all with, or I'd go insane!

It sounds like you know what you want to do, but are feeling guilty. This is about you and your immediate family, not MIL until later. How would you feel about a general, gender-neutral shower before LO arrives? Idk if it would be possible to make it not about the LO, but if it were it would maybe give them something to do and provide you the things you'd need for any placement.

bumpuser794640

We had a shower before match, and then we had 24 hours' notice before picking him up. We told our family, coworkers, and closest friends the day we found out. Had it gone differently, we would've done the same once a match was made.

cvpis4me

We announced everything on Facebook the day we were matched but held off on any baby showers till a few weeks after our daughter was home.  Our birthparents had about 6 months after the birth to change their mind so it was super risky!  But we just went all-in with it and were glad everything worked out.

WannaBmomma

When my sister in law decided to let us adopt the baby I asked her how she felt about us announcing it and she was excited about it. We told our families and then announced it on facebook. We had a baby shower and everything. It help to make it easier on sister in law who one saw the love growing for the baby in us and she liked the way we prepared for the baby. It helped to ease her mind knowing the baby would be cared for.