Dealing with grief with young children

jpavenski

So my FIL has been sick with terminal cancer for the last year & well they originally said he could live up to 5 years he has taken a turn for the worst recently & it doesn't look good. My son is 3.5 & loves his Grampy of course. I think he is used to seeing him sick but I am at a loss for what to do & say to him after he is gone. I don't even know where to begin, he has asked me about death before in bugs, animals & people but I'm sure he doesn't totally get it. I also don't want him to be scared of loosing someone else as well. It's such a tough age old enough to know he is gone but not quite old enough to understand. Do any of you moms have any experience with dealing with death with small children? Any advice would be appreciated.

AlinnJo

I'm sorry about your FIL. My FIL just passed away a couple weeks ago due to brain cancer. My LO didn't see him a lot so my situation is a little different. She just turned 2 so didn't really know what was going on. My plan was to go with the flow and if she asked questions, just be as honest as possible and put it in simple terms. At the funeral she saw the casket and asked what it was. I explained and that was it. She never asked why Grandma was crying or anything. She was pretty oblivious. It's tough but the little ones tend to be a light to everyone else.

cygnet15

I'm so sorry about your father-in-law  It depends on the approach you want, but I personally love the book "Lifetimes" (amazon link below).  It offers a tender but matter-of-fact way of talking to young children about death by focusing on how every living thing has a certain lifetime.  Some things, like insects, live only a few days.  Other things live much, much longer.  Sometimes people and other things don't live as long as we wish they would.  But everything has its lifetime.  It doesn't touch after-death issues at all either way, so you're still free to deal with that however you think best.  Just one thought.

https://www.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Beautiful-Explain-Death-Children-ebook/dp/B002SVQD6Y/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1414695566&sr=8-1&keywords=lifetimes

Whitfry

There are some great books for kids on the subject. Also, if you believe in an afterlife that's often a good element to bring up. Age appropriate honesty is what groups like hospice recommend.

071115

My FIL died 2 years ago now. My son was 5 and they where so close. I thought that it was going to be really hard on him, but I don't think that he really understood. Sometimes he still brings up the good times that they had together, we just talk about that. He tells me that misses him, I just say it's normal to miss someone you loved.
Best of luck. It's never easy to lose someone.

jpavenski

Thank you all, I'll have to look into some books.

thursday

I am so sorry your family is going through this. I have nothing to add but give my thoughts and prayers

LynnBrown4

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this, and am sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way.

I do not have children yet, but in my line of work do deal with death and grief in people of all ages. Children under the age of 5 can generally understand that 'Grampy has gone away', but usually don't understand the finality of death. There might be lots of questions coming your way, some of them quite interesting, and in response I would second those who suggest 'age-appropriate honesty.' 

All the best to you guys. This kind of thing is never easy. 

Engineer81

I'm so sorry. I know a dog is not like a human, but when my son said he wanted Mollie I told him that she was sick and her body stopped working so she couldn't live with us anymore and she went to live with God in heaven. He's only 2, but I tried to keep it simple and factual. Of course, if you aren't a God/heaven person you could leave that part out. It is so hard. I hope this helps a little.

Mic512

DH's grandmother died last year just before DS turned 3. And we had to take him with us to DH's uncles wake in Sept. He takes everything in, so we explained that they had been very very sick & were needed in heaven. We are religious so that actually made it easier.

strawberryanne

I am so sorry, I just lost my dad in late August. He was my 3 year-old nephew's favorite person in the world. I think being honest with your son will help. They sat him down and explained to him what had happened and unfortunately, it didn't seem like it quite connected. But he must have understood because he's stopped asking where "pop-pop" is and is now calling my parent's house grandma's instead of pop-pop's. I think it's a very big concept that can be extremely hard to understand at such a young age. 

That said, getting a book, as others have suggested, seems like a really good idea. It may help to explain the situation more clearly. 

lawsonellis

I don't have any experience with children that young, but when we lost my mother as well as my ex, we used age appropriate honesty with all of the kids. I've also heard of the books described above too.

Above all else, lots of love and understanding if behavior changes.

I am SO sorry you're going through this. T&P to you and yours during this time.

MrsLaurenandDan

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Most of our kids books about death are baby specific, but we also have and use this one. I think it is a helpful book. https://www.amazon.com/Miss-You-First-Death-Books/dp/0764117645/ref=tmm_pap_title_0

jpavenski

Thank you for the suggestions ladies. I just don't want him to be nervous that he is going to loose someone else as well. He has asked me a few times if my grandmother is really really old. This was after I told him people mostly die when they are really really old. It's def something I thought we wouldn't have to deal with for awhile. I know that I was actually close to his age when my grandfather passed away & I don't have any memory of him. His middle name is after my FIL. It's actually my husband's stepfather but after his father passed away when he was 10 he became his dad. And I feel like I want to be there to get my husband through this & my son, just hoping I can figure out how.

ruemorgan

So sorry to hear about your FIL, my friend recently lost her grandma and she is dealing with her sons grief. He just turned 4 and she cant find a way for him to grasp the concept of death. I hope you are able to work through this with him, have you tried talking to your son and preparing him? ("You know, grandpa wont be with us much longer. He is very sick.." and ask him a few questions to see what he does understand.)

Man, death is so tricky. My heart goes out to your family.

Christina80xoxo

You got great advice from everyone.
I'm so sorry you guys are going through this.
We recently lost my grandfather. My daughter was so so close to him. She saw him everyday, but he passed suddenly while she was gone at science camp. It was the hardest conversation I have ever had in my whole life
We believe in God and heaven. So she knew about our beliefs regarding death. I think being honest was best.
I hope the books the ladies suggested help, it is different because my daughter was already eleven.
I wish you and your family comfort during this difficult time

jpavenski

ruemorgan said:

So sorry to hear about your FIL, my friend recently lost her grandma and she is dealing with her sons grief. He just turned 4 and she cant find a way for him to grasp the concept of death. I hope you are able to work through this with him, have you tried talking to your son and preparing him? ("You know, grandpa wont be with us much longer. He is very sick.." and ask him a few questions to see what he does understand.)

Man, death is so tricky. My heart goes out to your family.

I wasn't sure if I should have a conversation before he passes like this. And i don't wanna upset my husband by asking him his thoughts about this. This is so tough, you just don't ever wanna see your baby's loose someone they love:(