DH fence sitting...

chloebeth930

Not sure what I need.. advice, words of wisdom, a cookie?

DH has often joked about only wanting 1 child since our DD is just "so perfect and he couldn't imagine loving another child as much as her." However, when I got off BC almost a year ago (sigh) he seemed excited and has even said he wanted another baby. We have always talked about having multiple children.  Fast word to the past couple months.  Our marriage has been a bit shakey (nothing TTC related), but I thought we were going to keep forgaring onward with the TTC, while continuing to go to counseling together to smooth things out.

DH and I had a big heart to heart about this.  He said that he just doesn't want to go through the stress of having to "try for a baby" again.  Granted I did get a little crazy the first time, but I have really been reigning it in this go around.  He thinks that our m/c and subsequent D&C was awful and possibly caused from the stress of forcing the "trying for a baby" and he doesn't want to go through that again.  I really think that it is digging into old wounds to try and explain that our m/c had nothing to do with stress or the fact that we were "trying" at the time, but we decided that we weren't going to try "and by try, mean me going crazy, throwing a fit when we don't have sex on certain days, etc."  However, he is still on board with going to get his SA which is set up for next week, and has said that he would be excited if we got pregnant. 

I thought that this month might be our month, but I started spotting last night (like I always do at this CD when I am going to start AF). I let DH know all non-chalantly (since I didn't want to come off as too upset that we weren't KU and now have to move on to meds) , but I didn't get any type of "sorry that sucks" or emotional response at all from him.   Also, DH comes home with a bunch of condoms he said that were free at work (he is a Marine if that helps clear up any questions of why the hell is there a bowl of condoms at work). When I asked him about them, he said that they were free and if we decided to stop trying then we can use them before doing anything permant. WTF

I am at a loss of what to do.  I feel like since we are coming up on the year mark, our only option is to get more testing and take more agressive measures to get KU, but he seems to not want to be involved in that and just want whatever to happen happen.   The problem is that we all know, if there is something medically wrong, then getting KU won't just happen.  I have never wanted our kids to be too far apart in age and I'm starting to stress about the gap getting larger and larger. Also, I'm not willing to just sit back for more and more months just "waiting" for something that may not come without some assistance.

So to sumarize how I feel, and what I think is going on ... DH would love another baby as long as we don't have to try for it, and if we do have to try for it then I need to be on my own with the stress and emotions of it all since he told me at the begining of this whole TTC #2, that he didn't support that.

Sorry for the crazy long vent and the bad spelling.  My office computer won't let me install the spell checker.

tigerlynx31413

I'm sorry! I don't know that I really have any advice, but I wanted to offer hugs to you!

incir

((hugs)) That sounds so tough.  

Not sure I have any advice, but wanted to commiserate.  When we first started TTC we thought we would be one and done and didn't change our mind until DS was over a year (or DH didn't change his mind until then, I was on board for number two at 6 months).  After my miscarriage was confirmed DH said, "well, if you can't get pregnant again we can always just have one like we thought."  I glared daggers!  No, that is not an OK plan with me right now!  I don't know what you can do, but I totally sympathize with you and DH not being on the same page TTC-wise.  Feel free to vent here all you need!

chloebeth930

I feel like he would be ok with One and Done, but also ok with 1 more.  The problem is that I wouldn't be ok with only one, and I don't think it is fair to spring that on me after the fact.

Maybe if I had known that my first (well technically 2nd) pregnancy was going to be my only one, I might feel differently.  But I didn't, and now I don't. Plus, I had such a shiity pregnancy with DH being gone for about 2/3rds of it and being alone when I gave birth (thanks Afghanistan), I feel like I deserve to have another go around, especially if I want it (stomps foot like an angry 2 year-old).

NB817

I'm so sorry! Why are DHs so clueless sometimes about the emotional toll it takes on us?? I mean it's a rollercoaster TTC even if you aren't getting medical help and we all get our hopes up every month then BOOM, AF shows up and it's devastating. How come they can't get that???

I don't know if this would be helpful or not but maybe express to him that you're not OK being one and done because you've always both talked about having more than one child. Maybe in a counseling session you could tell him how him changing the plan makes you feel??? GL! And I would give you a cookie too, but I ate them all.