How can I get myself more excited for baby?

bpsmithy15

I am a ftm and this was a surprise baby. I am absolutely negative about it all the time. And I keep wishing I wasn't pregnant and I'm just not excited at all. I want to be excited because my SO and family is excited but I'm just not...help please. And no bashing saying I should be ashamed of myself and whatnot. I already know that and I am but I'm just not happy.

soniaren

It's possible that it's just a lot of change for you. I suggest trying to take all your negative thoughts and find the positive. It's okay to be less than excited. This was unexpected just try to stay positive. Force yourself to say one positive about becoming a mother a day. And go from there. Also, congrats.

atj13ne

No worries. Same boat here. Only this is my 3rd. It gets better. I felt this way with my first two.

Frogger5

How long have you known? If it's only been a week or two, I'd say maybe you just need more time to be comfortable with it. I felt the same way for a few days. If that's not the situation (like if you know that you never wanted kids), maybe you shouldn't go through with it. Being/feeling forced into having kids cannot be in your, the baby, or anyone else's best interest. Of course, if that was the situation, you probably should have talked with whoever you're having sex with before you got KO.

Also - you already told your family, so maybe just XF and hope your feelings change! Maybe when you see it on an US or hear the heartbeat you'll change your mind.

Sorry for your situation - good luck.

tinavonsparkle

Hey. Im a first time mum to be too. We decided to come off the pill (after 15years) and "not try" (because we had so many friends our age who were struggling to conceive) and BOOM first month pregnant! I was happy but apprehensive at first and then unfortunately after just a few weeks we had a mc. I was shocked at how upset I was and it confirmed for me that I was totally ready. We continued "not trying" and BAM 2 months later...
This time the pregnancy is so real. Loads of symptoms (and hormones = rattyness/sickness/painful boobs/exhaustion...) Some days I'm super excited and then other days (like today) I feel very negative about it all. I have sudden realisations about what I'm going to be giving up; my freedom, drinking, crazy nights out, relaxing holidays just the two of us, lots of disposable income, spontaneous weekend trips, dinners out several times a week... Today I went to a farmers market and ended up crying because I wasn't allowed the pâté, the home made wines/ciders, the good cheeses, the cured meats etc (I really am just having a bad day!) I know it's just the hormones talking and deep down I'm positive that my life it's going to change for the better once he/she comes along and all those selfish things that I'm dreading giving up will be totally worth it. Don't be hard on yourself. Take it a day at a time, keep an honest pregnancy journal so you can reflect and try doing fun pregnancy/child friendly things in the meantime (like lovely walks) and most of all be kind to yourself. It will all slot into place in time and you will look back once they are in your arms and regret nothing - I promise x x x

krnten

I agree with everyone to give it a bit of time and see what you think. Did you not want kids before you got pregnant? Was this a bc failure thing? If so and you don't want to have this baby, then you don't need to.

For me, those feelings of unhappiness and regret surfaced AFTER my daughter was born and lasted a long time. Being a ftm (any mom) is hard and you will probably mourn for your life before for a while. I still do and my kid is delightful. If you're feeling this regret now, it might only be worse when the baby is born. Or like others have said here, maybe you'll fall totally in love with the baby and forget all these feelings you're having now.

Anyways, just do some serious introspection. What specifically are you unhappy about? What do you want? Did you ever want this pregnancy?

PinkRoses53

I was terrified the whole time I was pregnant with my son.  I had never been a "baby person" and the thought of becoming a mom scared the crap out of me.  I can honestly say that I didnt enjoy my pregnancy because I was so scared and nervous about what was to come.  I had many moments of "what did I do?" during that time.  

Then my son came and everything was so much better than I expected.  Yes, it is a lifestyle change and the first few months are tough but it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be.  What I didnt expect is how much love I have for my son.  My life is totally different and I wouldn't have it any other way.  When we started trying for #2, my promise to myself was to enjoy pregnancy because I know now how awesome being a mom is.  

Dont feel bad about being scared and not as excited as you think you should be.  I am sure there are many other people who feel the same way but it just isnt common to talk about it.  Hang in there and I promise that what is to come is seriously the most amazing, best thing ever (coming from someone who probably felt a lot like you did a few years ago).

silentdormancy

I feel the same way. I feel like I'm going to be an awful mom and everyday I wish I wasn't pregnant. Can't really shake it.

MissBridg

First of all, you are allowed to feel every feeling that comes your way. Not every mom feels uninhibited joy at the first positive Pee stick. Our society makes women feel like they must fit in the joyous mom mold or they are shameful. You're NOT! You have nothing to be ashamed of. This is your life and your body and you didn't plan this so you're entitled to be upset.

My advice as to how to direct your thoughts to feel differently- take your time, get some books (I recommend the Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy), and process this. It's not only a HUGE life change to process, you are full of new and raging hormones at the same time. Just try to ease into it and find the joy on your own time. Avoid threads on here that will make you feel badly about yourself for now. But look for ones that show you you're not alone...we are here for you.

mellinw

Tht was nice too read.
I also have been having super negative and selfish thoughts. Almost at a depressive state. I had to leave work today because I was just uncontrollably crying. I'm so down on everything

cosmicgirl

Just wanted commend bpsmithy15 for being so brave and honest. And thank you to all the ladies that wrote great advice. I wish I had this support when I felt like this the first time. Instead I felt like something was wrong with me. This will now be our second and I'm still apprehensive but more at ease since I know what to expect. You ladies are the best!!

carolyngrace

I think acknowledging the loss that comes with having a child is important... I have mixed feelings and am kind of grieving the loss of this part of my life. I loved being selfish and focusing on myself, work, my husband, friends, etc! It's hard to imagine giving up so much time and energy. I think accepting the aspect of that loss is helping me move forward. Change is difficult, especially one you weren't trying for. Give it time. 

bpsmithy15

Thank you, it's so hard to be brave. My SO is soo happy and my family is happy and so is his family. It's so hard to be happy when this happened. I'm a senior in high school for starters. And I feel depressed most of the time. /:

PinkRoses53

bpsmithy15 said:

Thank you, it's so hard to be brave. My SO is soo happy and my family is happy and so is his family. It's so hard to be happy when this happened. I'm a senior in high school for starters. And I feel depressed most of the time. /:

@bpsmithy15 is there someone you can talk to about feeling depressed?  Someone who is impartial and wont judge?  Hugs and hang in there

holliberry28

@bpsmithy15, was it your decision to keep the baby? Just asking, not judging, but you don't have to continue with this pregnancy if you're not ready. :::hugs:::

gingerbabe

My first baby was also a surprise and I felt super negative about it. I did not realize until 4 months postpartum, when I began feeling like myself again, that I was very depressed my whole pregnancy. I was not myself at all. I've always wanted children, and being 23, married, with a supportive wonderful DH did not stop me from having the depression. So, although the depression may be part situational, you may also have pregnancy depression. Talk to your doctor or midwife about it asap. Don't go through this misery without help. Also find someone, hopefully your SO, who you can be open about your feelings with and support you on a daily basis. 

I did not feel happy about my first child until he was born. It only took me a few days to fall in love with him. So, try to find the good things about having a baby, but don't worry if it is not coming naturally! I wish I could help more. I feel so sad for you because I have been in a similar miserable place emotionally.

bpsmithy15

@holliberry28‌ I do not believe in abortion, and my family is very wary of adoption. It was my choice to keep this baby fully. I just wish I could get excited and I just can't seem to get happy about anything, not just the baby.

CelestialMeans

I love this tread.  I just sat here with my Husband reading each and every response.

We tried to conceive for a few years after we got married.  I was pregnant once and the baby was due on the day we had our first date it was all so beautiful and amazing.  Then I miscarried and I was totally devastated.  We both were.  It was hard for a while.

Then a few months after I miscarried my 20 year old daughter turned up pregnant making us Grandparents (she wasn't married, living with some guy from couch to couch, no job, 20k in debt, car repo'd ... you name it), I became angry.  After months of letting go, my daughter and her now husband pulling it together (loosely speaking) I became to just succumb to the idea of being a Grandparent at a young age.  It was what I had to done to my parent's I suppose.  The baby was born and I was in love with the little one  

With all of that the last thing that I wanted for my life was to have a child that was younger then my daughter's child so my husband and I decided that we didn't want to have more children "it was too weird".

One week after my Granddaughter's birth (7 days later) I was pregnant.

I have been in shock for weeks.  Not super negative about it but almost angry about it. I do find myself at times telling myself that it will be what it is, just dealing with it.  I don't feel happy about it because I feel selfish.  We purchased ski passes this year, wont be doing that with my family.  We purchased a hot tub last year, wont be doing that.  I have a rack of beautiful wines that I just purchased the day before I found out I was pregnant, wont be doing that.  Not to mention my husband I decided to fight for more time of his 6 and 8 year old.  So we are in the middle of that. Not to mention I travel for work... this could potentially mean my career!!!

I totally get it.  I'm not thrilled!!!  Thankfully I don't feel sick or anything and the pregnancy feels very easy thus far.  I joke that this will be the pregnancy that sticks because it is just happening at the worst time ever!!  I don't know.  

Just know that you aren't alone.  I'm certain there are several of us that feel the same way.  In the end it will all be fine.  I have faith that everything happens for a reason.  9 months is a lot of time for things to change.

Hang in there.

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opheliacantswim

OP, everyone else has already given you great advice, but I want to chime in, too.  My DD--the most amazing, beautiful, wonderful, smart, funny, fascinating creature I've ever clapped eyes on--was unexpected.  I was on the pill and she somehow slipped through the defenses. 

I was initially excited, because I knew I wanted kids someday, but I also grieved.  I remember so clearly, when I was about seven months pregnant, lying on my couch and just sobbing.  I had been thinking, "Two more months and this will be over," because I had a very rough pregnancy in the third tri.  But then I started crying when I realized that it wouldn't be OVER--a whole new life that I could not even imagine would be starting. 

So just know--not every day of the next nine months will be a whirlwind of excitement.  Some days will be hard.  Some days will be really hard.  But if you really want to do this, then know that it will get easier.  It will get awesome.

(Also, I know that others have said this already, but please don't bring a child into the world and keep it if you truly don't want to be a parent right now.  I know you said you are pro-life, but there are other options, and they are yours to consider, regardless of what your family thinks.  If you want to have a child, know that it will get easier and you can do this.  And if you don't want to have a child?  Then don't.  That is a valid choice, too.)

Good luck. 

tyralinkous01

If you can't get excited during your pregnancy, then wait until the first time you hold your new baby. It's a love like no other. It'll be one of the greatest days in your life.

adorebel

I would also just like to throw in some support for adoption - I was adopted, and every day I'm grateful for the woman I've never met who loved me enough to pass me on to the incredible parents I have, knowing she couldn't offer me the love and support she wanted for me. You say your family is wary of adoption, but you are the mother - this is really your decision to make, whatever you decide. 

bpsmithy15

Thank all of you ladies for all your prayers and comforting words and your wonderful advice. I had a sit down with myself the other night and just thought of everything I've been going through and I thought about how people are and how in about 7 months I will get to meet a person who has thoughts and feelings and how this person will love me from the very beginning and I will get to witness every moment of this persons life and how they will be with me always. I thought about how I would feel if I wasn't pregnant, if I had a miscarriage and how I would deal with that. And I became kind of happy that I'm pregnant and much more enthusiastic about this baby. I couldn't thank you ladies enough. I still get sad about it sometimes but I do look forward to meeting this little person inside of my womb. (:

alexajaga

Thanks @bpsmithy15‌ for this post. I have been feeling the same way, specially because it was unexpected. And even though I know is a gift from God and I have always wanted to be a mom; I was also worried I was not going to be able to have kids, I was still feeling like I'm not as happy as I should be.
Thanks to this post now I know is normal to feel this way and would get better with time.

ombradellarosa

@bpsmithy15 So glad you are feeling better. I hope you know that some days it will be bad and that doesn't mean that your happiness won't stick or that you've lost your progress. I was glad to read your words because I am having a horrible time. This baby was planned and tried for and wanted and the rest and I STILL have to deal nearly every day with awful negative feelings. Fortunately I have a wonderful support system that reminds me constantly that however I feel is all right. Pregnancy is really hard! I have been sick which is horrible for an emetophobe like me (even though I know no one likes it, it is extra hard when you're afraid) and it makes me resentful. I have had a hard time sleeping and eating and I am focusing all of my energy on trying to do that. I feel guilty when I don't take my vitamins because they make me sick. I don't feel like there is a baby yet. I just feel like I am tired and hungry and sick all the time and I'm breaking out and very crabby and far more dependent on others than I'd like to be.

TL;DR what I'm trying to say is remember that however you are feeling at any given moment is okay. If you are really depressed (or even if you're not) a counsellor or someone unbiased can be really helpful to talk to.

bpsmithy15

Any of you sweet ladies can message me anytime or whatever to talk to me. I find that it often helps when you have another person to converse with. (:

wendyful

this baby is planned and totally wanted, maybe not at this exact time but i'll take it.

but that still doesnt mean i dont have negative thoughts, like whats my life going to be like after baby? and how much work is this going to take? basically in general disrupt my serene life of me and my quiet dog.