What does PPA feel like?

jules607

Lurker looking for advice...anyone with PPA/PPD experience care to share how you knew something was off? I have a four year old and 10 month old and ever since the younger one was born I've felt like I'm in a fog. He doesn't sleep, so I've always chalked it up to sleep deprivation, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's something more.

I don't even know how to describe it, but I'm stressed and anxious all the time. I feel like I'm constantly spinning my wheels. My house is never clean because as soon as I clean up one mess the kids have made another one. I feel like someone is always crying. I feel like my four year old is always waiting because of the baby, which causes her to act out. So once I'm done with what he needs I have to discipline her instead of spending happy, quality time like I planned.

The other major stress is finances. I went part time because I didn't make enough to cover daycare for two. We had budgeted to make it work, but unexpected expenses keep coming up and we have to dip into savings. I wasn't planning on going back full time until next fall when DD goes to kindergarten, reducing daycare costs. I just feel like I'm letting my family down in so many ways and I hate it.

tl;dr, Warning signs of PPA?

jules607

Thank you, off to check out the link!

[Deleted User]

You described my life when I had PPA.  I ignored the signs and I regret it.

Hugs.  I would call and at least talk with your doctor. 

jules607

Thank you all so much, ladies. After reading the link and hearing your experiences I do think I need to make an appointment to see my doctor. @JoShan1719‌, the anger is what has tipped me off, as well. This is how I'm feeling all the time and it is not my personality at all.

You all are incredibly supportive on this board and I appreciate the feedback!

[Deleted User]

Oh yes. The anger and rage.

bumpuser260585

I had anger and resentment toward ds and dh I was exhausted but couldn't fall asleep. My house was a mess but I would just sit for hours and think about cleaning but never doing it.
The final straw for me was when I had a full blown panic attack because of a spider.

I didn't recognize the signs until I was 8 months.pp. When I called my OB I was told to call my GP because I was so far pp. The medicine changed my life.
I hope you get the help you need soon.

JNerd

I have a 2yr old and a 4month old and I have PPA.
I was screened at Squeaker's 2mo shots and from the results of the test made an appt with my GP for meds. I am also looking into counselling for additional support.

It felt like I was failing, like all I wanted to do was cry because I couldn't keep the kids happy/entertained/engaged and I couldn't keep calm. Discipline and setting limits for DS turned into me crying and my emotional outbursts set some off in DS too.
I felt constantly overwhelmed and like I couldn't even function. It wasn't just a lack of sleep.
And I felt like I had no control over my emotions. They were all very, very intense and I feel like they were always on the sad/angry/frustrated side of the spectrum.
I was terrified of something happening to Squeaker. Like her brother not paying attention and jumping off the couch and landing on her. Or SIDS. I slept on an air bed in her room for a month because hubby needed to sleep for work and I was too scared to let her sleep alone.
I was scared to have either child out if my sight for even a minute for fear of something horrible happening to them.

The pills are really, really helping. I know this as I was just out of town for 4days and forgot them and I really noticed a change in myself without them. I very happy to be home for that reason.
I'm also refusing to be stigmatized. PPA and ppd are quite common and are a chemical imbalance. I'm not hiding it and being open about what is really going on makes it easier for me to be able to ask for help, and others more willing to give it
((Hugs)). You are not alone. And getting help is the best thing you can possibly do. The sooner the better.

Bythebeach09

For me it was the rage. I would go from 0 to violent in a matter of seconds. I took it all out on DH. I punched him, scratched him and attacked him regularly. I would throw things, slam things, break things. I resented DS and then I felt disgusting for resenting him. I threatened to leave. I wanted to leave. Then the guilt from that would eat at me. I would scream like a lunatic. I would scream at my baby. If DS didn't do what I expected, like drink his bottle well, or sleep well, I would lose it. I would panic that he's not eating enough or sleeping enough. Panic. It was awful.

I didn't get help then. I got pregnant again when DS was 5 months old. The pregnancy was emotionally a disaster. Everything was amplified. At about 12 weeks pregnant I spoke to my OB about what was going on and it was decided then that after DD was born i would get on meds.

The meds changed my life and my ability to function. I still have anxiety, which I've had my whole life, but I have more control of my emotions and haven't been violent since.

Good luck to you. If something doesn't feel right, it's always best to talk to someone about it.

jules607

Sorry, we were out all day today. I am terrified of SIDS. Terrified. And I was not that way when DD was a baby. I was aware of it, of course, but in a normal way. But for some reason I am so scared something will happen to him. And my DH has made comments about how mean I've been to him and I've just apologized and said I'm so tired.

I'm sorry so many of you have dealt with this, but I feel better knowing it's not just me. Thank you all so much.

[Deleted User]

Hugs.

And don't just lurk. Talk with us anytime. We can be feisty but we are rather supportive as well.

LucilleAustero

I had anger. But, it was more crippling fear for me. I was petrified of someone hurting/ raping/ molesting DD. I used to sleep at the foot of her crib. I had trouble going out in public and I did not spend a single minute away from her for six months. I finally got help when she was seven months old. I was sexually abused as a child and I know that contributed to my particular fears. A combo of Zoloft and Exposure Therapy helped immensely. I am two months pp with my son and have not had a recurrence, but I would seek help right away if I do. Want to mention that it took so long to get help for a couple of reasons. DD was a super hard baby. She was born with multiple health issues that require therapies and she had colic. I kept telling myself that I would feel better when her ulcers healed. They healed and I still felt that way. I told myself that I would feel better when the colic ended. It ended, my fear did not. Wash, rinse, repeat.