Yet another baby shower question

crackityjones

I only have about 5 close friends here that I feel are close enough that I feel comfortable inviting to a baby shower, since an invite to a baby shower is basically a demand for a gift. Three of them are working together to plan the shower, but I know they're expecting a lot more people, and personally, I would be pretty embarassed to tell them to only invite two other people. Everyone seems to think I'm someone with a ton of friends, but the reality is that most of my close friends are scattered across the country, and my local friends are somewhere between acquaintance and friend. Most of these are people that I started to become close with a few years ago and then stalled when I had some really bad health issues and started isolating. Others are ladies I have met and/or performed with recently (I do theatre/comedy stuff), who I want to actually make the effort to become close friends with. 

So, after all that, here's what I'm thinking of doing, and I welcome any feedback/constructive criticism. I'd like to invite EVERYONE, and send private messages to the folks who I am less close too explaining that although we haven't really spent any time together in the past few years/just met, I'd like them to come and celebrate with me, and no gift is required! IF they feel absolutely compelled to buy a gift, perhaps a favorite children's book. 

The problems with this plan are that a) my registry info will probably be on ALL the invites, and they might feel obligated to buy me something more pricey that I'm registered for, even if I tell them to ignore it. And b) It's weird. Is it weird? I feel like it's weird.

I'm just trying to be someone who actually works to grow friendships rather than makes other people come to me. Also, not gonna lie, I don't want to have a sad little shower.

So let me have it, Bumpies. I know you won't disappoint.

mommybelanova

Personally I think that there's no harm in inviting anyone! It's on them if they choose to come or not. But at least you made the first effort to invite them! No one will be offended by being invited, but some may be offended if they didn't receive an invite and would have liked to come.

crunchymamaof2

Please don't message people and tell them no gifts are expected. That implies you were expecting gifts in the first place. A baby shower is meant to shower the mother with gifts and welcome her into motherhood. Give the hostesses your list of people you would like there and let it be. Small showers can be awesome (I prefer them). My MIL threw me a surprise second shower (which I would have stopped had I known) but it was literally 4 of my friends, my mil, mom, grandma and 2 aunts. It was really nice.

crackityjones

What if I tell them not to put the registry info on the invites, and instead just say the thing about childrens' books, and then if people want to privately ask me or the hostesses for the registry info, that's up to them. 

I just feel like a shower invite is already a request for gifts and everyone understands and expects that, and some people might be like, "Really? we haven't hung out in 2 years and she expects me to buy her a baby shower gift?" 

I'll also get ideas from the party planning committee as it were, but I figured I might get more blunt opinions from internet strangers...

ST3WD

MauiBliss said:

I have always felt registry info on invites is tacky for any event. The hostess will have that information and people can inquire if they feel like they'd like to bring something. 

^Yes. When guests RSVP (as they should) they can inquire with the hostess about gifts if they desire. She can then inform them about "how you would prefer to build Baby's library..." or something along those lines, supplementing the registry info if specifically requested (as she should). Just some basic etiquette. Some people would rather contribute by doing something for you guys later, like bringing home cooked meals after baby is born, which is AWESOME.

mandi195

a) no registry info on invitations

b) telling people to bring a book (or diapers, or blanket, or whatever) is tacky. Don't tell people what to buy.

c) provide a list of people you feel comfortable inviting and leave it at that. 

Helenahhandbasket

It's weird.

Why don't you just invite the ladies you'd like to become better friends with out for dinner/ shopping/ manicure or what ever else you might enjoy?  Don't invite them to the shower if you don't feel comfortable with them buying you a gift.

ordinary1

Showers are for nearest and dearest. I would feel uncomfortable if someone I was close to but no longer am or just met invited me to a shower. It would feel very gift grabby.

I wouldn't mention books unless someone asks for ideas. It comes off as dictating gifts which is very rude.

peeppeeppeep

Who is EVERYONE?  Don't invite someone you aren't currently close with to the shower.  I think your small shower sounds wonderful.

janda426

I'm sorry but I wouldn't invite all these people just cause you need fillers. How awkward is that for them? Even if they "just bought a children's book" I wouldn't spend any money period on someone who was only inviting me to their shower because they were embarrassed they didn't have anyone else to invite. That's pretty shitty. And messaging them telling them you know it's been a while?? Nooo. So awkward. I don't see the problem with a small shower. Who cares if your nearest and dearest is 5 people or 40 people...? At least you're being genuine by only inviting people who would actually wanna come.

janda426

Also messaging them saying you want them to come celebrate with you totally makes it sound like you're the host.

crackityjones

To be clear, all of these are people that I would invite on a night out or something like that, so it's not like they're just "fillers". They're people who I know and like and have spent some significant amount of time with either recently or in the recent past. And I think lots of them might actually want to come, and I would like to see them, too. And the idea of inviting them out to do other things sounds nice, but dinners, manicures, etc. are expensive, and we have to save every dime so I can take a maternity leave ('MURICA!)

Since responses seem to be split between "keep it small" and "invite everyone and let them decide", I can at least say that I definitely like the idea of leaving registry info off the invites. I guess most of the invites I've gotten had it included, so I assumed it was normal. Still, I feel like everyone just knows that you don't show up to a baby shower without a gift, so the original problem still sort of remains. I think maybe I'll go against my nature (I generally assume that friends are less close than they actually are) and do the ballsy, and possibly rude thing and invite everyone. I'll pitch it to the planning committee and get their opinions, too. Thanks, guys. 

crunchymamaof2

crackityjones said:

To be clear, all of these are people that I would invite on a night out or something like that, so it's not like they're just "fillers". They're people who I know and like and have spent some significant amount of time with either recently or in the recent past. And I think lots of them might actually want to come, and I would like to see them, too. And the idea of inviting them out to do other things sounds nice, but dinners, manicures, etc. are expensive, and we have to save every dime so I can take a maternity leave ('MURICA!)

Since responses seem to be split between "keep it small" and "invite everyone and let them decide", I can at least say that I definitely like the idea of leaving registry info off the invites. I guess most of the invites I've gotten had it included, so I assumed it was normal. Still, I feel like everyone just knows that you don't show up to a baby shower without a gift, so the original problem still sort of remains. I think maybe I'll go against my nature (I generally assume that friends are less close than they actually are) and do the ballsy, and possibly rude thing and invite everyone. I'll pitch it to the planning committee and get their opinions, too. Thanks, guys. 

Putting registry info on shower invitations is perfectly acceptable, so is leaving it off. They can ask the host if you're registered. I don't see why you're worried about inviting these people if they're your friends. A shower, by it's name, is meant to shower the MTB with gifts. If they don't want to do that they can decline. I think you're worrying too much about this. Give the host your list and just enjoy whatever shower they give you.

Heavensent72

What is the point of a registry if you are not going to include the info in the invitation?  That is very inconvenient for the hostess who will receive mass calls all asking the same questions, "Is she registered?" or "where is she registered?" Most people will send a text or an email to rsvp. As for me when I am invited to a shower, a kid's bday party, etc. where gifts are expected and the norm. I like all my info in front of me so I can know the directions, the sizes, the registry, etc.  If people don't want to get something off of your list they won't.  For my shower I registered at Target for some really cute blankets.  My aunt looked at my registry and made the exact same ones, but better.  I mean same pattern, colors all of it.  I loved them and I was grateful.  There is no reason to feel shame or feel tacky that you want to include a registry on your invites.  That is why registries were created....and its your job to prepare the list, you can invite who ever you want and those that show will and those that do not want to come won't.

jennypolkadots

Ask your host how many people she can accommodate, as she may not have the space for all of those people anyways. But if she does, invite them, include the registry, and let them decide if they want to come or bring a gift. There is no reason to over think this and make it a bigger deal than it is.

There is nothing at all wrong with a small shower of 5 friends plus family, or with having people you are friends with (even if you aren't BFFs) at your shower. But yes, it is totally weird for you to be contacting guests telling them what/what not to buy you. People will buy only what they can afford, come only if they want to, and you aren't obligating anything by sending an invite. 

Heavensent72

Bliss+Berry said:

@Heavensent72‌ registries aren't rocket science and fairly easy to locate, it's not necessary to put them on an invitation if one would rather not.

ETA:  It takes all of about 30 seconds on google.  Maybe less. 

FWIW, when asked I told my hostess I preferred it to not be on the invitation.  If someone wanted to shop off my registry, it's easy enough to ask the hostess when you RSVP.

Well if that is your preference then that is fine.  I just did things for me a different way and I don't think that it's tacky.  If you have a hostess that is willing to do that then great!  But my mom specifically put on my invitations to please text or email as she works during the day and did not want her phone ringing off the hook with questions.  Even though she said her email was flooded for her it was less annoying.

crunchymamaof2

FTR, registries should not be out on birthday party invites. Only bridal and baby showers.

Disneygeek77

What is wrong with a small intimate shower ? Those tend to be the best.  However, perhaps you could find a compromise.  Don't invite everyone ( especially people you haven't talked to in a few years).  Invite people that are local and you have talked to recently, but don't say a word about gifts.