How did you decide enough was enough?
DH and I have been having a lot of issues for a while, but things have been incredibly magnified since he got sick. He is unwilling to truly care for himself and has put the burden of our finances, our child, our home, and him all on me. I literally do everything, plus work 40+ hours per week. I have tried talking with him, fighting with him, suggested counseling, looked into counseling, cried, screamed, and begged and yet we are in the exact same place we were in.
I don't know when to just finally be done. I am so scared to make that decision, but I am also so tired of being disappointed and angry.
So, can any of you tell me how you decided you were done and enough was enough?
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Re: How did you decide?
Ultimatley it is your choice. And only you can make it. But id say get out, find support, get stable again. Just live and be happy.
Also, the finances… do you have a joint bank account? I would set up two bank accounts, one for bills and essentials and one for spending on “fun stuff”. And only give him access to the “fun” account. If he complains that there isn’t enough money, then you’ll probably have to find a way to tell him that he is not financially responsible and that is sole reason why he is not able to touch the “bills” account (which, presumably, should have more money in it). My brother takes care of my dad’s finances and this is how he handles my dad’s money. It makes my dad angry when he can’t buy something he wants, but in the end, he’s happy his mortgage is getting paid and he still has a place to live.
Now, for the living/child situation, has he always been an involved husband/father up until his diagnosis? Or has he always been a little bit of a deadweight and now he’s just really taking advantage of it? If his behavior changed completely because of the diagnosis, I think it’s because of the weakness thing. If his behavior is just a little more of an extreme version of how he was before then you have another issue. Both of which could be helped by counseling. How is your LO taking this, btw? Does she act out because your husband isn’t attentive? Or, if he shows her attention, does she try to run to you?
And to answer your question -- my decision was pretty much made for me when my STBXH decided he preferred the company of other women to me.
Throwing leaves
A lot of very good advice here from PP's. For me, I had to put my foot down when I finally realized BD wasn't going to stop drinking/doing what he pleased/harassing me until I cut the cord. All of us have different situations so it's sometimes hard to put ourselves in each other's shoes.
Your husband's financial irresponsibility really bugs me. Was he like that before he got sick? Did he help you more before he got sick? I guess at this point it may not really matter. If I were you I'd also give him the ultimatum of counseling or separation. If he weren't terminal I'd probably just say fuck it at this point and hit the road. Don't forget your child see your current way of life as normal.
Btw, your DD is freakin' adorable! I love her hair!!
Good luck to you.
Throwing leaves
I would say to you to stick it out. He is facing death everyday and may not mentally be able to cope well with that. He has also lost the ability to make basic decision about very primary things such as what or how much to eat and drink. It very hard to feel in himself like a man without being able to make decision about his own life and with you "nagging" him about bills and money its just one more thing he "can't" do. He may be spending just to have some control over something and lash out because of the way he is feeling.
My Uncle was and one of the guys in my Bible Study is on Dialysis and watching them and hearing the stories from the wives is very sad. Because you are the one pushing for care for him he may stop all together if you leave. My uncle passed away as a result of poor choices and depression related to his diagnoses after his GF left him as she was the one pushing him to appointments, monitoring his food and general wellness.
Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better but push for counseling so he will at the very least have a support system and some coping techniques if you need to leave. I do not recommend staying if the situation becomes toxic or abusive in any way. But I think this is the better or worse, sickness and health part of the vows. I repeat leave if it becomes dangerous to you or your DD but know that he is dealing with a lot. Go with him to Dialysis center and ask for help. You can do all the talking with him standing there, fill out the paperwork have him sign and you submit it. Hopefully, he makes some friends in dialysis soon that will help him as well. Best of Luck to you.
BFP: 07/14/2014, EDD: 03/04/2015