AW: How did your first talk of fertility problems go?

JellicalParker

MH and I were talking about buying a new car today. Talking about what we would like and such. I made mention that I really don't want a 2 door vehicle because I know how hard it can be to get carseats in and out of the backseat. I know, putting the cart before the horse, but if you're investing in something you want to last more than a year or two, I feel that should be a factor. MH blew up at me about it. He got mad at me for not realizing that we could have issues conceiving. And even presenting him with the facts about conception, he just seemed to get mad and blamed himself and his age... Not realizing that I've had this fear about myself for years. I couldn't help but lose it. It hurts that only 5 months of lack luster ttc after our loss that he feels we could have issues. I've only really begun charting my last cycle. I didn't expect it to magically make me pregnant, especially with less than ideal timing, but I worry that he did. And now that he might feel inadequate. He even brought up that he worries I would divorce him if he can't get me pregnant. And he ignored me when I said that's not the issue, because, well, he did get me pregnant. Our baby just didn't survive is all. I understand his fears and frustrations, but I certainly don't want him thinking that I would ever leave him if he doesn't get me pregnant successfully. 

Anyone else ever have this kind of a talk? How did it go? What did you do to calm your SO's fears? 

BethKate2

After about 8-9 months of TTC, my H and I started having a lot of arguments about TTC, and he felt that we should start IF testing. I had to explain to him that we really needed to wait until we had been TTC for a year, and he was annoyed and didn't understand why. Interestingly enough, when the time came to see a RE, he totally balked and needed some time to get used to the idea of starting testing.

Loss and IF can challenge a marriage, for sure. I agree that communication is key. Just keep talking to your H about it and reassuring him that it's still early, and you have no plans of leaving him even if you do have to deal with IF.

JellicalParker

Thank you ladies! He totally caught me off guard today with it. Especially with my period showing her ugly face today it was less than needed. I know we all want our own children. But I don't want him ever thinking that a possible baby is more important than he is to me.

Nikolie93

I'm with lav17, I feel as if the issue is with me and I have worries that he will regret staying with me if I am not able to give him a child. He's so supportive so my thoughts are probably irrational. He keeps telling me that it doesn't matter as long as he has me.

It seems you already understand his frustration, just keep talking about it and keep telling him he can't be hard on himself. All of my guy friends tell me that one of the worst fears they have is not being able to produce a child due to issues they have. They feel like less of a man.

It's a hard situation all around. Some have said couple counseling helps. Good luck and hang in there *hug *

katib77

Our losses happened over 3 years into ttc and 2 years of IF so our conversation started after 10 months of trying. We found out early about dh's MFI (before we learned that I have IF issues too) but for us it was fairly calm conversations that he was my other half, the love of my life and we were in it together. That first week after his dx I tried to make sure I complimented him the same amount as always (not too much to make him suspicious that it was pity and not too little to feel unloved). Once we got a plan from RE and learned of my issues he never again made comments about it being his fault, sadly both being a factor helped us stay strong together.

buggirl72

I'm going to address the car issue. Find another reason that does not involve a potential child for wanting a four door. Trust me when I say it sucks big time to buy a "mom" car and find out that you will not get your rainbow.

Since your H already has some issue with that, the new car that will easily fit a car seat will be a constant reminder every month that goes by without a pregnancy/child.

Km380

A few years ago before we started ttc we got me a suv. Part of that was yes, we want a family someday and the timing was logical. But part of that was also me just preferring a bigger car. Here we are 2 yrs later, 2 losses and about to start IVF. We did put me in a new lease recently, another SUV that we plan to keep. But now it's more baby or no baby this is a good sized car for our life and needs. It is not solely for a child.

I am also one of those that is terrified mh will someday leave me if this doesn't work. There is nothing "wrong" with either of us but sadly that doesn't mean we will have a baby. Since mh's sa is great I do feel that it is my fault. Do I think if the IVF fails or we have another loss he will turn around and immediately leave? No. But I do worry the stress this puts on our marriage and if he wonders if someone else could give him what I can't...that in a year, 2, 3...

But we talk openly about it. He reassures me he would never do that. But the fear is still there. He also worries I would leave him. So we reassure each other. It isn't a one time talk it's ongoing, open honest communication whenever one of us is feeling less than hopeful about the future.

I hope you both can talk (((hugs)))

peregrinefalconx

I find the 4-door conversation interesting...I decided about 20 years ago that 2-door cars were terrible for about 5 different reasons and wouldn't consider buying one...unless it was a Jeep Wrangler! If it would make you feel better, switch your views on these cars that endlessly make it difficult to bring a 3rd or 4th person along, put anything in the back seat, etc.

DH and I started marriage counseling for our communication problems about 6 weeks ago, after the wake of my last loss. If for no other reason, I think it is helpful to have somebody like that "on retainer" (and have them get to know you before that) just in case the poop hits the fan. If you have mental health insurance covered somewhat (or can just afford the pricey appointments), I would suggest it.

JellicalParker

Thank you ladies for the suggestion. I am scheduling a yearly soon and I might invite him along to ask questions as he sees fit.

I occassionally go to counseling with him, when I don't have to work, but we never really brought up our loss or the feelings we had about it. I'm sure our counselor is just waiting for us to bring it up.

As for the car, it makes complete sense to me. On top of the fact that I hate two doors. He is already downgrading from an SUV, and we do need the extra space, but apparently choosing to say that was the pitfall. He completely agrees about 2door vehicles, but he doesn't like that reason.

I will keep talking to him about it. He definitely feels bad about whay he said, he has actually said things like "when you get pregnant..." which he normally never does!

TheAerialist

peregrinefalconx said:

I find the 4-door conversation interesting...I decided about 20 years ago that 2-door cars were terrible for about 5 different reasons and wouldn't consider buying one...unless it was a Jeep Wrangler! If it would make you feel better, switch your views on these cars that endlessly make it difficult to bring a 3rd or 4th person along, put anything in the back seat, etc.

I agree with this 100%.  I haven't wanted a 2 door car since I was 28, I just needed a place for all the stuff, the people, the dog and yes, maybe the kids, but I wanted one anyway.  I think that pinning any major life decisions on 'maybe baby' is probably too much, obviously important to think about (hmm... should we get a house with 2br or 3?) but you shouldn't buy a more expensive/bigger car just because of car seats. you should buy what fits your life.  You can always get a beater 2 seater now, and save for the eventual larger family car.