SAHD Vent

caycelee

So my husband has been the one staying home with our boy since mid-august when I went back to work. That's been the plan since he got laid off before we had LO. My guilt has always been there since I started work again but now it's even worse because I feel that he makes me feel guilty if I do something for myself on the weekends. we got into it last weekend because he's never gotten up with him during the night so I threw a comment out there like "god forbid you get up and help me in the MOTN"...boy did that open a can of worms! He came back with "I thought you would want to spend every minute with your son on the weekends". That has made Mothers Guilt that much worse. Of course I want to spend every moment with my son, I don't get to spend much time with him during the week but I also have a p/t photography business which brings in good extra money and I do deserve some me-time don't I? it's been tough between us lately and it makes me sad. Thanks for letting me rant...raising a child with someone is very tough.

SurprisePartySue

No advice but I wanted to second the comment about raising a child with someone. It has put my marriage through a storm. Your not alone.

caycelee

Another thing that keeps bothering me is I told him how he's doing amazing job and how he's an amazing father and he told me I'm a good mom. That's it good? Maybe I'm just being oversensitive but it bothers me

bridetobe9132013

I am a sahm so I get up with DD in the motn and early morning so DH can sleep since he goes to work. Of course you want to spend time with your LO but you need some time for yourself so you dont go crazy

kendy20

Like pp I'm also a SAHM and I've always gotten up with LO. You deserve me time. We all do, and I agree it's hard finding the balance at first. My best advice is to always communicate hurt feelings. That's something DH and I had to learn to do. If we don't address them that night then it just gets worse. But you are a great mom! I have so much respect for working mamas. I couldn't imagine the emotional stress your under and to be the main income. Your doing a wonderful job!

NorthernGal248

It is super tough! I hope that you are able to figure out a way to get on the same page!! Hugs!!!

delatl

That is so hard. We also struggle--it's probably our biggest issue--with getting us both some "me time." I also feel guilty for wanting time to myself since I work outside the home, but the truth is, I'm not a good mom if all I do is work and childcare.

yvanehtnioj

I feel like the person who stays at home should get up, unless we're talking about breastfeeding or something. Even then, he could take over as soon as you've done your part so you can get right back to sleep. New parents are sensitive, territorial, sleep deprived, etc. and then you throw in the need to negotiate (and renegotiate) the division of labor and finances. Yeah, not the best thing. Good luck to you!

IBackBevo

I'm team split the getting up.  If you are not breastfeeding, it is easy enough to just split nights.  If you are breastfeeding, then DH can get up and change the diaper, etc. and bring baby to you in bed.  That is what DH and I do.  Although, he admittedly has had the worst end of that situation here lately because DS2 has been difficult to get back to sleep after feeding. 

"Me time" is hard at this stage and will be for awhile. I don't have any great advice on that front.  I think it is just something you have to work out between you and your spouse...but I do think it is important that each of you have at least something you do occasionally away from the kids.  

bridetobe9132013

Like others have said, communication is very important! DH went away last weekend for a fun man weekend so it was just me all weekend with LO. He came home sunday and was tired from his weekend. He layed down to nap while DD was napping and I was cleaning. Well, DD woke up and he didn't get up to get her so I turned on the monitor, put it next to him, and said "your daughter is calling for you." I talked to him about it and he understood why I was annoyed.

amroke

If she goes to work she's obviously not exclusively breastfeeding. So yeah, he should at least be splitting the nights with you, if not handling them completely.

pistolpackinmomma

amroke said:

If she goes to work she's obviously not exclusively breastfeeding. So yeah, he should at least be splitting the nights with you, if not handling them completely.

You can still EBF and work. Even if the baby gets a bottle of BMB they are still EBF. And the reason it comes into play with MOTN feeds because if he gives a bottle she needs to pump to replace it.


OP, my biggest advice is don't keep score. Keeping score will be your biggest downfall. You are a team. Lack of sleep is your enemy. It likes to pit couples against each other and make them compare who has it worse and who is trying harder, etc. Don't let lack of sleep win. Try sitting down and talking it out. Figure out a system that works for you guys. Maybe figure that you get to go out the first Saturday morning of each month and he gets the third Saturday for his me time? Also figure in which days you can agree on for your side job. Scheduling your whole life sucks but it's often part of having kids. Also keep in mind he may be feeling resentful that he's not the breadwinner.

NorthernGal248

@IBackBevo‌ I'm jealous. We split feedings but if L is having a hard time getting up or anything like that I'm the one who gets up.

lavendergiraffes

pistolpackinmomma said:

amroke said:

If she goes to work she's obviously not exclusively breastfeeding. So yeah, he should at least be splitting the nights with you, if not handling them completely.

You can still EBF and work. Even if the baby gets a bottle of BMB they are still EBF. And the reason it comes into play with MOTN feeds because if he gives a bottle she needs to pump to replace it.


OP, my biggest advice is don't keep score. Keeping score will be your biggest downfall. You are a team. Lack of sleep is your enemy. It likes to pit couples against each other and make them compare who has it worse and who is trying harder, etc. Don't let lack of sleep win. Try sitting down and talking it out. Figure out a system that works for you guys. Maybe figure that you get to go out the first Saturday morning of each month and he gets the third Saturday for his me time? Also figure in which days you can agree on for your side job. Scheduling your whole life sucks but it's often part of having kids. Also keep in mind he may be feeling resentful that he's not the breadwinner.

Exactly this - great advice. Also, raising a child with someone is a whole lot easier than parenting on your own so be grateful for that. I SAH and get up every time and it sucks but I'm grateful I have someone who is willing to get up every day and go work long hours so that I can stay home.

With that being said you definitely deserve you time as well as him. Always look on the bright side!

bridetobe9132013

@lavendergiraffes‌ I agree with you that I am thankful to have a hard working husband so I am able to stay home with my DD

caycelee

Thank you everyone, really good advice and I appreciate the support. I agree that it seems like keeping score was something we did earlier on and it made things worse. I'm sure he does feel bad that I'm the one working and paying the bills and I'm so grateful one of us is able to stay home and he really does an amazing job. I'm not EBF now so he can certainly help with getting up and I think me not making him do it sooner because I was BF'ing made it worse. Plus he sleeps through all the crying so I figured that if I had to wake up to wake him up I wasn't going to be able to go back to bed so I might as well just get up. As soon as I get home it's like his shift is over and I take over until the next morning which I don't mind except for being the only one to get up in the night . He does usually have dinner going though when I get home. He's been sick the last two weeks so he's extra moody and napping. It's funny though I was sick las week and knew if I stayed home I wouldn't be in bed all day resting...men are such stubborn babies! We need a better plan that much I do know because I feel like he thinks he's doing all the hard work during the week taking care of LO. Even though he says I'm going to work and supporting us I feel deep down there is some resentment. I think scheduling my sessions only one day per weekend will help too it's just my busy time where I can make extra money for a summer vacation. Something with him not working we couldn't afford to save for.

spinsoffresonance

Me time sounds nice. DD2 is EBF and doesn't take a bottle so I haven't had me time since she was born. Does your DH get any me time as well? You should make sure he gets some alone time too, otherwise he may be resentful of your me time. DH often goes out with his friends weekend evenings after DD1 goes to bed. I have no issue with that. Whatdrives me crazy though is when he's hungover the next day and doesn't want to watch the kids because he wants to nap. Sorry DH, not happening. I'm the one up at night every 1-2hours, so if anyone gets to nap it's me!

I agree with PP, if you're not BF he should be the one getting up in the night. And if you are BFing, let him put LO back to bed after feedings so you can sleep as much as possible. I have no issue doing all of the MOTN feeding because I understand that's it's much easier for me to function watching the kids all day on no sleep than it is for DH to do his stressful job on no sleep.

bridetobe9132013

I don't know if this will help at all but maybe remind him how nice it is that your LO gets to spend time with his daddy. It's just as important as spending time with mommy.

jane8188

I don't understand why the person who stays home has to be the one getting up motn. They still have to do things all day, just because it's not outside of the house doesn't mean it's not work. I stay at home with my kids and get up in the night because we're still ebf. I would love me time. Staying home is hard because you never get a break, not even in the night. I'm sure that working is really hard to for a totally different set of reasons. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful I can stay home with my kids. Just giving a little different perspective. This time is really hard and Lack of sleep can make you resent each other. Being a parent is really hard and we're all just trying to do out best. Hugs, this time will be over before you know it. I'm sorry Your husband isn't Being very sensitive.
The roles at my house are reversed from yours, I wouldn't even make enough to cover the cost of daycare so i stay home. my h works a ton and even picks up many side jobs to make ends meet. Sometimes i can really resent him for getting alone time and i will take it out on him. And it's stupid of me because i know he misses the kids when he's away. Sorry for the novel. Also I feel like I need a disclaimer, I am NOT saying either role is harder than the other.

caycelee

Update: I spoke with him last night about helping me with MOTN waking up. He says " to be honest I can't be junk with him all day because I get no down time". I told him maybe he should be taking advantage of his 30 minute nap times to lay down and rest of take a power nap rather than trying to tornando clean. Well he doesn't know if he can not be productive while he's napping...funny he has no problem napping when I'm around. I then went on to say that it sounds like me getting a good nights rest isn't as important as him getting it. He denied that's what he meant and went on to say that at least I get to sit down at work! UGH!!! I told him I have a feeling that if I was the one staying home I would be expected to get up with the baby and of course since that's not the case he denied that would be the case. We'll see how this goes...we are going take turns each night. I think both of our days are just as important but I do need to be on my A game at work because if I'm not working then we're really screwed. This makes me so annoyed and angry.

spinsoffresonance

@jane8188 the way I see it the person who stays home does MOTN feedings because the person who's employed has to be rested enough to be able to do their job, please their employer, and remain employed. Yes being home with the kids is super hard too, but it doesn't not require my brain to function and think. DH's analytical research job does.
When we were both working DH was on baby duty until 1am and I had the rest of the night. Now that I SAH I do it all.