One and done, not by choice, not for health reasons

wildcat99

Long time lurker looking for support.  DH and I have an almost 4 year old daughter, I'm 37 he's almost 41.  I have always seen us having at least 2 kids, probably not more, due to age.  Recently, we've had discussions about trying for a second, and he is adamant that he does not want another.  He gives a lot of reasons that to my mind are BS-the biggest one he uses is finance (I make a six figure salary and we can definitely support another child).  I am just very confused and hurt because when we got married he wanted many, many kids, and I was actually the limiter!  I don't really feel that I have time to wait-due to a variety of issues, I don't feel particularly comfortable with being "advanced maternal age."  Based on our discussions over the past week, we will not be having a second and it breaks my heart.  Any advice?

Helenahhandbasket

I am sorry you are finding yourself in this situation, but if he doesn't want another baby, I think it's something you will have to come to terms with.

I have said this many, many times before, but I would rather regret not having a second, then to regret (or have my partner/ spouse regret) a living, breathing child.

 

wildcat99

I agree-I wouldn't want him to regret it.  I think I'm just starting a grieving process over this and needed to vent/find out if there were others in this situation and how they have handled it.  Our daughter is wonderful, I'm trying to focus on the positives.  But right now I'm also very sad-hopefully that will abate as I come to terms with this.

kristennd

I do think it's reasonable to be frustrated with the actual reasons he gives you. For example, when he says it's money and you feel you have plenty. I'd personally rather get a straight up "I just don't want to" than what feels like fake weaselly answers.

A therapist may help everyone get to just understanding each other's actual positions. He may even need help understanding himself. Sometimes people aren't deliberately fuzzy. And understanding doesn't have to include accepting.

My DH originally wanted 3 kids and to come to the recognition that he just couldn't mentally/emotionally handle more than one was really hard on him. Not to mention admitting it. All kinds of guilt. Especially because it sounds like a kind of rejection of the child you already have.

It's not your own choice. There's still mourning to do.

diamondduck13

Coming out of lurking to share I'm in a similar position. One reason I lurk here, trying to embrace our OAD possibility.

Although not the exact same because my husband hasn't put a firm close on it, but he's said multiple times now he thinks he just wants one. We're both trying to hear the other. I understand his reasons, because I have my own anxieties about it based on those same reasons, so from that point of view it's hard to reassure him and not give in, despite how much I want a 2nd. And I know @helenhhandbasket only speaks truth.

And while I can understand the conflict of OP because we may be heading in that direction, I do agree with those who said the phrase NBC should be reserved for those truly NBC.

gwendarling

I suspect you'll find more advice in how to deal with a oad dh and how tomatbe approach the conversation In other boards, this is probably the place that will give you the "respect a oad decision" advice, which I agree with.

if you really want another, you and dh should maybe look into a therapist so you can work through this with dh.

Helenahhandbasket

diamondduck13 said:

Coming out of lurking to share I'm in a similar position. One reason I lurk here, trying to embrace our OAD possibility. Although not the exact same because my husband hasn't put a firm close on it, but he's said multiple times now he thinks he just wants one. We're both trying to hear the other. I understand his reasons, because I have my own anxieties about it based on those same reasons, so from that point of view it's hard to reassure him and not give in, despite how much I want a 2nd. And I know @helenhhandbasket only speaks truth. And while I can understand the conflict of OP because we may be heading in that direction, I do agree with those who said the phrase NBC should be reserved for those truly NBC.

OMG-- Hi lady!

@diamondduck13

Ago

Zembits said:

Quote fail, I was trying to quote @janineb‌ "I would rather have one child with my husband than two without him. " This is the decision I came to, too. This realization helped me a lot.

This is exactly me as well. My husband is 41, I am almost 34, and I thought for the longest time that 2 would be our number.  DD is 4.5 and I didn't have a desire to have another until a little over a year ago, I was ready to start. DH told me then that he was done. It was really hard for a long time and I was bitter and angry. I thought through it a lot and I came up with a couple of conclusions:

1. I would rather have one child with my husband than two without him.

2. I will not take control of the situation and "force" him to have another. I had a neighbor tell her husband that she always wanted two, so they were having two. He went along and is totally fine with it (they have two now, obviously), but that is not my relationship with my husband. I am a strong and considerate person, and I know that my husband arrived at this conclusion after a lot of thought and realistic thinking.

I went to therapy for a while (both individual and couples therapy) and I am really in a much better place after a year. I mourned the loss and I know now that whatever may happen, I feel strong and happy either way.

diamondduck13

Helenahhandbasket said:

diamondduck13 said:

Coming out of lurking to share I'm in a similar position. One reason I lurk here, trying to embrace our OAD possibility. Although not the exact same because my husband hasn't put a firm close on it, but he's said multiple times now he thinks he just wants one. We're both trying to hear the other. I understand his reasons, because I have my own anxieties about it based on those same reasons, so from that point of view it's hard to reassure him and not give in, despite how much I want a 2nd. And I know @helenhhandbasket only speaks truth. And while I can understand the conflict of OP because we may be heading in that direction, I do agree with those who said the phrase NBC should be reserved for those truly NBC.

OMG-- Hi lady!

@diamondduck13

Hi! @Helenahhandbasket‌

I disappeared for a while, yes, but recently started lurking again. Haven't dived right in, I think largely around my sadness that we'll likely be OAD. And then there's the fact work has been crazy and I come home to my second crazy job that is motherhood. Always exhausted & behind on my to dos. And it's in these moments I think, maybe DH is right...

legalbeagle1

Soooooo late to the party but I haven't had time to post/check-in in a while. Am in slightly similar boat. We're going to evaluate and make a final decision in a year. I think if finances look better and DH changes his mind then we'll have a second, but if not I think, for me, I'll just be really happy to be decided and know we are OAD. The purgatory part is awful. I am also not definitely decided on a second from a emotional and financial resources perspective so I totally understand his concerns. And L is so cute! Who could ask for anything more?