Pregnant in college?

bfirehammer

I've been thinking about when to start TTC. I am still in college, will graduate May of 2016, but I am 24 and my boyfriend is 26. We both want to start our family soon and have been going back and forth about waiting until I graduate or not. I know that having a baby will change nearly everything in our lives, and that it is difficult, and that no two experiences are the same. I'm curious if anyone here got pregnant (intentionally or not) while in college and how they feel about it.

amelyse39

I did not get pregnant in college but I can only imagine how difficult it would be and would highly advise against it. Starting a family is a huge decision that you can't take back. I can't even imagine purposely trying to start a family while I'm in college, unless I was in my last year of medical school or something. 

bfirehammer

It's kind of been a toss up between being pregnant my last year of school, or starting a family very shortly after graduation/while establishing myself in my career. I understand that at 24 I have plenty of time biologically and everything, but to me, being a mother is my first dream, a career won't bring me nearly as much joy and satisfaction as having a family will.

I have also considered that while in college, if I am not feeling well or up all night or whatever, I can miss a day or go in my sweats or whatever, whereas once I'm working it's not so easy to do that. 

We're still discussing it, I was just hoping to hear some experiences of people who have been there. 

amelyse39

bfirehammer said:

It's kind of been a toss up between being pregnant my last year of school, or starting a family very shortly after graduation/while establishing myself in my career. I understand that at 24 I have plenty of time biologically and everything, but to me, being a mother is my first dream, a career won't bring me nearly as much joy and satisfaction as having a family will.

I have also considered that while in college, if I am not feeling well or up all night or whatever, I can miss a day or go in my sweats or whatever, whereas once I'm working it's not so easy to do that. 

We're still discussing it, I was just hoping to hear some experiences of people who have been there. 

So not true. This is part of the benefit of going to college, getting a degree, and establishing a career. I have really good health insurance through work and I know exactly how much my out of pocket maximum will be so I know how much to save, I will be fully paid during my three months of maternity leave, and whenever I feel sick, regardless of what it's due to, I can work from home. Many workplaces will let new moms work from home for a time period after their maternity leave, when they go back to work, or let them have a reduced work schedule.

 You need to get your degree and establish a career for a few years before you start your family. Or else, you're going to be a newbie in a career with a bunch of kids who are a lot younger than you. Also, not to sound old school because I dont normally care, but typically 24 year olds in college are thinking about getting engaged, not having kids.

normandyn7

When I got pregnant I was just about to start graduate school. I decided to keep going to school instead of quit. The school I go to we go to class once night a week (6pm-10pm) and we only take 1 class at a time. We are only allowed to miss 1 night of class each class. So I had my son on a Friday, I missed the next class (a Tuesday) and was back in class the following Tuesday night. I could have skipped that class all together and picked up a couple months later but I was determined to stay on course. Is it hard? Of course. I work part time, go to school, and take care of my son. If we had planned it I would have waited to have a baby until I was done with graduate school. I was 24 at the time as well and my son was not planned.

I think you need to be realistic and see if you can make it work. Are you going to be working as well as going to school? If so, what are you going to do for childcare? Daycare can be expensive. Just lay everything out on the table before deciding. Good luck.

dogperson11

Nope nope nope nope nope. My husband is in college full time and our daughter is 7 weeks old. She was planned and it works for us, but if I was the one in school full time I would have had to withdraw from this terms classes. No way could I have had a newborn and been successful in school. You never know if your kid will have issues at first (ex: feeding problems) or if you'll heal quickly. Just wait the extra year. It'll be SO much better for all (3) of you.

HeavenBlessedMom

Ugggh...no.
You need a career and to establish yourself first. Personal situation. ..I finished 2 masters first while working and still had my first at 29...and the triplets at 30. Establish yourself, get married, & then you can have something of which you are proud.

EricaOO

When I was finishing up college at 24, I was partying and having the time of my life. I realize this is not everyone's college experience, but I could not even fathom having a baby at that point in my life.  College is to prepare for a career.  Why not solidify an income (if you haven't already) before having a baby?  I feel like a baby would be added stress to in addition to taking college courses and then make it harder to find a job.

amelyse39

Not to mention, if you're like most of America you have some form of student loans. Those are only deferred for six months after graduation. How can you pay student loans if you dont even have a job? What is the point of even going to college if you're just going to get knocked up before you even finish?!

strickland8052

No! No! No! No!  You are not married, presumably have no career, and are still in college!? No!  Who is going to pay for this baby? Labor and delivery can cost thousands even with insurance.  Who is going to pay for that?  Daycare can cost $1,000 a month; who is going to pay for that? What about diapers, formula, baby food, car seat, crib, etc, etc?

If you are counting on your "boyfriend" to help out with all these expenses, then you need to think again.  If you are going to carry his child and be dependent on him, then he needs to put a ring on it first.  Now I hate to sound "old fashioned", because I'm all for older, more established women having children on their own.  But this is not that situation.  It doesn't sound like you can support yourself and (unless your boyfriend is willing to make you his wife) it doesn't sound like he is 100% committed to supporting you.

I get that you want to be a mom more than anything in this world.  But don't you want to be a responsible mom?  One that doesn't depend on others to provide for her children?  One who serves as a good example of what you hope your children will replicate?  One that delays instant gratification for a more stable life for her and her children?

Write a list of pros and cons to having a child now vs. having a child later.  There are like 10,000 reasons not to have a child now, but the only reason to have one is "because I just want one". 

strickland8052

NariaDreaming said:

strickland8052 said:

No! No! No! No!  You are not married, presumably have no career, and are still in college!? No!  Who is going to pay for this baby? Labor and delivery can cost thousands even with insurance.  Who is going to pay for that?  Daycare can cost $1,000 a month; who is going to pay for that? What about diapers, formula, baby food, car seat, crib, etc, etc?

If you are counting on your "boyfriend" to help out with all these expenses, then you need to think again.  If you are going to carry his child and be dependent on him, then he needs to put a ring on it first.  Now I hate to sound "old fashioned", because I'm all for older, more established women having children on their own.  But this is not that situation.  It doesn't sound like you can support yourself and (unless your boyfriend is willing to make you his wife) it doesn't sound like he is 100% committed to supporting you.
 

You lost me at "not married" and "put a ring on it". Because not everyone in the world demands a legal ceremony to "validate" their relationship. 

I completely agree that you don't need a legal ceremony to "validate" your relationship.  I also think you can be a great parent without being married or even in a relationship.  BUT, if you are going to depend on a man to support you and your child (which it sounds like OP is hoping for) then you need to have the legal rights that come along with marriage.  Sorry if that wasn't clear.

strickland8052

strickland8052 said:

NariaDreaming said:

strickland8052 said:

No! No! No! No!  You are not married, presumably have no career, and are still in college!? No!  Who is going to pay for this baby? Labor and delivery can cost thousands even with insurance.  Who is going to pay for that?  Daycare can cost $1,000 a month; who is going to pay for that? What about diapers, formula, baby food, car seat, crib, etc, etc?

If you are counting on your "boyfriend" to help out with all these expenses, then you need to think again.  If you are going to carry his child and be dependent on him, then he needs to put a ring on it first.  Now I hate to sound "old fashioned", because I'm all for older, more established women having children on their own.  But this is not that situation.  It doesn't sound like you can support yourself and (unless your boyfriend is willing to make you his wife) it doesn't sound like he is 100% committed to supporting you.
 

You lost me at "not married" and "put a ring on it". Because not everyone in the world demands a legal ceremony to "validate" their relationship. 

I completely agree that you don't need a legal ceremony to "validate" your relationship.  I also think you can be a great parent without being married or even in a relationship.  BUT, if you are going to depend on a man to support you and your child (which it sounds like OP is hoping for) then you need to have the legal rights that come along with marriage.  Sorry if that wasn't clear.

Also, I suppose that the boyfriend could buy life insurance, get a will and living revocable trust, add OP to his checking/savings accounts, etc, etc, to prove he is 100% committed to supporting her.  However, all of that was just too long to put and I doubt it is being done anyway.

MKM2014

Your financial situation, health insurance, relationship etc. are the main considerations here. I can't say for sure that it's the wrong decision for you right now, but it seems highly probable.

I have a cousin who pursued 2 advanced degrees & didn't start her career until her early 30s (although she does make great money now). She had 2 pregnancies (2nd pregnancy with twins) while pursuing these advanced degrees full time, and they got by on one income. Both pregnancies were planned and she hasn't regretted her decision, but I'd say she is in the minority being able to successfully attain a law degree while parenting 3 children under the age of 3. She didn't have to work.

I worked 25-30 hours a week while in college and pursued internships that normally took up another 15 hours a week in addition to 12-15 credit hours of classes & all the homework & studying that goes with that. I only had one "day off" a week with no classes or work, and most of the time that was taken up by homework. So, now, I have a LOT more free time than I did when I was still in undergrad, and also a lot more money . It would not have been a smart decision for me to have a child.

I will say that I do plan to start a master's program that will require a night class once a week, and I don't plan on letting that hold me back from getting pregnant (DH & I are on the same page about this).

There is always a balance and never a perfect time. However, I bet a MUCH BETTER time is only a few years away...

bfirehammer

strickland8052 said:

strickland8052 said:

NariaDreaming said:

strickland8052 said:

No! No! No! No!  You are not married, presumably have no career, and are still in college!? No!  Who is going to pay for this baby? Labor and delivery can cost thousands even with insurance.  Who is going to pay for that?  Daycare can cost $1,000 a month; who is going to pay for that? What about diapers, formula, baby food, car seat, crib, etc, etc?

If you are counting on your "boyfriend" to help out with all these expenses, then you need to think again.  If you are going to carry his child and be dependent on him, then he needs to put a ring on it first.  Now I hate to sound "old fashioned", because I'm all for older, more established women having children on their own.  But this is not that situation.  It doesn't sound like you can support yourself and (unless your boyfriend is willing to make you his wife) it doesn't sound like he is 100% committed to supporting you.
 

You lost me at "not married" and "put a ring on it". Because not everyone in the world demands a legal ceremony to "validate" their relationship. 

I completely agree that you don't need a legal ceremony to "validate" your relationship.  I also think you can be a great parent without being married or even in a relationship.  BUT, if you are going to depend on a man to support you and your child (which it sounds like OP is hoping for) then you need to have the legal rights that come along with marriage.  Sorry if that wasn't clear.

Also, I suppose that the boyfriend could buy life insurance, get a will and living revocable trust, add OP to his checking/savings accounts, etc, etc, to prove he is 100% committed to supporting her.  However, all of that was just too long to put and I doubt it is being done anyway.

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 3 years, living together for over two. Neither of us receive any help from our parents. Both of us have health insurance. He works full time and I work part time currently. The field I'm going into (human services) doesn't pay particularly well anyway, and I have considered opening a home daycare or being a nanny while my children are young so that I can spend time with them. We do plan on getting married at some point, but don't see it as a necessary first step to having a family (it's actually quite a ways down on our priority lists, because the wedding isn't important to either of us, and we already live as if we were married anyway.) Honestly, I think getting married solely because we want to start a family would be irresponsible and immature. I do appreciate the points of view that have been shared in this thread, and he and I are still talking about it.

mamab3ar

I was pregnant in high school, prior to marriage. I was also pregnant in college, post marriage, while commuting 1.5 one way everyday. (That's what made it hard actually). Now I am hoping to be pregnant soon while working on my master's degree.

It really is a personal decision. Only you know how much you can take.

bfirehammer

We have talked about it, but he wants to make the propisal special. So its in his hands to decide when it happens.

ashiscute

emilie818 said:

bfirehammer said:

We have talked about it, but he wants to make the propisal special. So its in his hands to decide when it happens.

That's all well and good, but if you're talking about bringing a child into the picture, you really should explore the federal benefits that are extended to married couples as opposed to domestic partners when it comes to Social Security, taxes, COBRA, visitation rights, FMLA. etc.

This.  I'd much rather have the additional benefits than a special proposal.  

Jamilla9

I'm in college with a 13 month old. It's hard but not impossible. My husband is a graphic designer and has already graduated college. He works full time. I work part time and go to school full time. My mom watches our son a couple times a week. I don't think it's an awful decision but it will definitely being easier without having a child. I will say my child has been a huge motivator for me to finish.

sandrabrooke

I don't understand the need for a special proposal....but if thats more important than benefits...its your choice.

dogperson11

Jamilla9 said:

I'm in college with a 13 month old. It's hard but not impossible. My husband is a graphic designer and has already graduated college. He works full time. I work part time and go to school full time. My mom watches our son a couple times a week. I don't think it's an awful decision but it will definitely being easier without having a child. I will say my child has been a huge motivator for me to finish.

It's awesome that you've done well. Having a family member willing to provide childcare is great, but not realistic for everyone, and it's definitely not something you should count on before you've even gotten pregnant. Heck, I've got several people on my birth month board who had family members say they would provide care during work hours and now that the babies are here the family member has backed out for one reason or another so the kids parents are not only scrambling to find good child care, but are also scrambling to fit it into their budget.

Jamilla9

dogperson11 said:

Jamilla9 said:

I'm in college with a 13 month old. It's hard but not impossible. My husband is a graphic designer and has already graduated college. He works full time. I work part time and go to school full time. My mom watches our son a couple times a week. I don't think it's an awful decision but it will definitely being easier without having a child. I will say my child has been a huge motivator for me to finish.

It's awesome that you've done well. Having a family member willing to provide childcare is great, but not realistic for everyone, and it's definitely not something you should count on before you've even gotten pregnant. Heck, I've got several people on my birth month board who had family members say they would provide care during work hours and now that the babies are here the family member has backed out for one reason or another so the kids parents are not only scrambling to find good child care, but are also scrambling to fit it into their budget.

I mentioned my mother watching my son because I know it's not the norm and I have help other people don't. Of course it isn't realistic for everyone. Neither is going to school, working, and having a baby. I was just saying it could be done, this is how I'm handling the situation that has been presented.

SpaceGirlSpiff

Is it impossible? No.  I'm doing it.  I have a 3 year old and a baby on the way too.  I'm 28, I work full time (in my field, which is business/accounting), been married for 6 years...and still working on finishing my bachelors part time... usually just 2 classes at a time.

There are many reasons it's taken me so long....relocating, changing majors and starting over, having to balance working full time with it...and yes, deciding to get married and then my first pregnancy which was unplanned....that has slowed things way down.  But I'm plugging away anyway, and will finish no matter how long it takes.

I've had to accept that basically it will take me a hell of a lot longer than others...that I will not be the best student I could have been, perhaps have to get B's or C's instead of A's in harder classes.....I have to give up time, sanity and sometimes put class/homework first when I'd rather be 100% present with my family...but these are the choices I made, and I'm not going to stop now...I've invested too much.

But you...you are still young and you are SO CLOSE to finishing and so close to avoiding these difficulties, you would be absolutely nuts to throw that away.  This is not the ideal life. If I knew then what I know now....ugh..  But we can't go back.  So that's why I hope you'll take it from me and others who have some more experience when it comes to parenthood...and I hope you'll decide to wait.

Do.not.do.it

MomToNeeners

I can speak from experience. I was told I would never had kids so I just planned on not having any. I got accepted to nursing school and found out I was pregnant a month before classes started.
I'm a type 1 diabetic and I have reproductive issues so I was high risk. I was only allowed to miss 3 days of school in a semester, so I had to take a semester off to have my daughter. I went back to school 7 weeks after having her. I missed out on most of her first year of life because I wanted to ensure that I could care for her. Her father never wanted kids so he isn't in the picture but as a nurse and someone who went though pregnancy during college, wait until you are established in your career. You will have health insurance and things will be more settled and stable. You have no idea how pregnancy will flip your world upside down until you are pregnant. Also its not as it seems when you don't have a baby. You make a lot of assumptions about how you want things to go and it won't happen. Wait is what I tell everyone. Plus, I agree if your bf wants kids then he should want to marry you before you all have a baby.

jennypolkadots

I was in your position just a few years ago. My husband and I met and moved in together when I was 18. We got married when I was 21. We finished our undergrad degrees when I was 22 and he was 24. We worked all through college and then worked so hard to get great jobs after graduating. It can take a while to get a really good job and many late nights of resume building and networking events. We bought a house, we decorated and renovated that house. We traveled internationally. We built an even stronger bond. We saved money. We saved for retirement. And then we made a baby We are still young (25/27) and could be more stable, but I am so glad I never listed to the people who said "there is never a right time" and just got pregnant when I wanted to.

I wanted a baby at 21, and we definitely could have made it work. But boy oh boy am I glad we waited. Now this little bean will get so many more opportunities, and I get to spend so much more time with him or her because we aren't stressed out and pulled in separate directions by school. I love that my work is so flexible, and DH gets home by 5 and we have our whole evening and weekends as a family. I can't even imagine juggling back and forth to figure out who will be with the baby and when, or writing term papers while feeling practically hung over from lack of sleep. It is absolutely doable, I've known many women who did it. But I would never do it on purpose. 

jennypolkadots

As others said - childcare is a big deal. My job is very flexible and we shouldn't need any care until LO is about 6 months old, and even then just part time. Even still, we budgeted for full time care from day one just in case. What if I lost my job and needed a regular 8-5? We have an obligation to try our best to make sure we can provide for the little humans we bring into the world. You can't plan for everything (medical issues for example) but you have to do your best. I also have family that says they will help out but you just can't rely on it because as nice as it is, situations change. It can also be super stressful having family providing childcare. In every situation I've seen in real life, the mom/MIL/grandparents overstep boundaries and it is a big headache. I'm sure it's not always that way but just one reason we never have counted on it. 

jennypolkadots

bfirehammer said:

We have talked about it, but he wants to make the propisal special. So its in his hands to decide when it happens.

Also code for he doesn't want to marry you right now. 

okiemamaof2

You're the only one who can decide if you're truly ready, but I can't imagine going through my senior year of college with a baby. I majored in accounting and we had a ridiculous number of group projects that all seemed to meet late at night (students have crazy work and class schedules that have to be accommodated). There was a student mom in one of my groups and she missed nearly every meeting after 5pm (and brought her baby to one, which was not appreciated by many). While no one directly penalized her for having other commitments, she did have a hard time keeping up with our class presentations and didn't get the participation points most senior classes require. Granted, I went to a big public state university that didn't really have many parent students.

I think it can probably be done, but she just looked ragged every time I saw her. I'm in night MBA grad school now though and they are wayy more mom friendly.

Plus, it would be hard to network and attend undergrad career mixers/events if you have to find childcare for every event.