Speaking of crappy MIL

luvboston

Just to give you some history:

In 2011 I was in the middle of my 4th m/c and we went to visit DH family I told him beforehand I didn't want to go I was too much of mess. He insisted it would be fine blah blah. It was a disaster and it ended with his mother betraying me by telling her sister about my m/c's and major health issues which I had specifically told her I didn't want anyone to know because as you ladies know people say horrible things. Well she betrayed me and then lied to me over and over about it. Then her sister who I refer to as voldemort, lit into me about why I was having kids if I was so screwed up etc and said that my m/c didnt matter because they never became children and that she has no idea why DH picked such a high maint person. It was awful every disease, every m/c, everything that I never knew could become a weapon did. And my soul was shattered because it all could have been prevented if his mother had not betrayed me and then lied. And DH was to blame for forcing me to go with this woman after I told him something was wrong. Well long story short we almost got divorced but his grandfather on the other side stepped in and told me his mother is a troublemaker with a huge mouth and her family has serious issues etc. DH and I have never been the same. And of course now that we have LO things are more complicated.

Well last week he went to visit his mother and grandfather without me for 2 days, outside the US. DH promised he would go nowhere near his aunt. So he went came back LO was great and he never said another word. Fast forward to yesterday after not speaking a word to me for 3 years his aunt voldemort emailed me and told me she had seen LO and that basically I should forgive her and that all of a sudden she cares about DH and his family and we should move on. She also rubbed in a few things about this pg and if I am ever able to have more children, as well as some other crappy things. It felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart. I almost threw the phone at DH's head and then cut his balls off. I feel so betrayed that he didn't even mention this to me and that it was clear his mother helped write this letter. I am never letting LO go anywhere with DH again, he lost that privilege.

My question is should I email this bitch back? Should I ask DH if he saw her? Should I send him this email? 

I am so hurt I can barely look at him, I never had another human hurt me as deeply as her and he knows it. 

kmc84

Wow. Just wow. I'm so sorry this happened-it's just awful. This makes me sick to my stomach

I agree with not responding to the email.

I would probably ask DH again if he saw his aunt, and tell him to think carefully about his answer. Either way, I would be showing him the email too.

Can you go to couples counseling? He needs to understand how devistatingly painful the things his mother and aunt have done really are. Maybe a neutral 3rd party can help him see how hurtful his actions are.

I also would not let lo visit with him anymore.

mcgeeva

Aye im sorry. I wouldn't email as well. It will just light the fire and give the woman and in to keep contacting you. I would definitely talk to your husband about why he said nothing re seeing her. I know from personal experience with my husband and his family he thought it was best to hide it and appease his (parents - family) and do so. Hence..ball chopping! Definitely tell him how you feel and when it comes to your lo its a joint decision. I totally get how you feel with my husbands horrible family. For us we haven't got to counseling in a long while but I swear it's the only thing that kept up together. He was raised differently and believes it's better to have a horrible toxic relationship then none where I would cut ties then allow my children to see such dysfunction. Again we are still working on it. He know's at this point there will be a divorce if he can't put his family first (his children and myself). I hope things get better for you all. And I hope these family members live far far away. 

MoFree

I strongly suggest couple counseling so that your husband's family doesn't destroy your marriage. I hope you are able to find some kind of peace with his family. You have written extensively about how much they have hurt you. Unfortunately you cannot control what they do or say, but you can control your reactions and the negative energy you give them.

Mrs.AmyDylan

MoFree said:

I strongly suggest couple counseling so that your husband's family doesn't destroy your marriage. I hope you are able to find some kind of peace with his family. You have written extensively about how much they have hurt you. Unfortunately you cannot control what they do or say, but you can control your reactions and the negative energy you give them.

Exactly this. 

You can't reply to the email. If you send a scathing reply or any response that isn't friendly or agreeing with her, she will spread it all around further supporting her position of you being the problem. 

amd1982

Ugh I'm so sorry that you even have to deal with these types of individuals. I definitely agree that no response is the best response in this case. She's a complete idiot who doesn't even deserve the five minutes it would take you to write an email saying she's an idiot. HA!
As for your husband I definitely think you guys should see a neutral party like a counselor to help you with this. It just seems like there is a lot of anger and rightfully so. You want to do what is best for you and dh which is ultimately best for LO. Work through it. I know it's much easier said than done. But I've had some family drama on my in laws side and I just know how important it is to work through it and do what's best for your relationship. Because our LOs won't be little forever and they will eventually be able to sense anger tension and stress between parents. I'm sorry you have to deal with this at all. But best of luck in how you handle it with dh. My guess is similar to a PP that he got roped into the visit without his knowledge (eg the aunt showed up unexpectedly) although I still understand your hurt. Sorry again luv....

Mayzie15

Ugh! I'm so sorry this happened. I think the big factor for me is that you have to be able to trust your husband and he definitely broke your trust in this situation. I would definitely show him the email and see what he says. I also agree with others that if you email her she will pass it around the family - seems like the type of person she is. You have a right to be angry and to call your husband out on it and I wouldn't allow him to go on visits by himself either. You need to do what's best for you and your LO. I would give couples counseling a try only because his mom seems like a troublemaker and I would do everything possible not to feed into her nastiness and fight to keep your family together.

luvboston

We have been to therapy and the same thing happens they tell him he needs to stick up for me and tell his family to cut the crap. He never does then I just get furious.

mcgeeva

luvboston said:

We have been to therapy and the same thing happens they tell him he needs to stick up for me and tell his family to cut the crap. He never does then I just get furious.

This sounds like our relationship. My husband gets guilted every conversation by his mental parents and can't see it. Yet everyone else can

Julie21613

Oh Luv... I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.  I also agree that you shouldn't email her directly.  I would confront DH with this.  But maybe give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe Aunty Voldemort just happened to show up.  I will say that he seriously needs to "grow a pair" and stick up for you.  You and your little one are his family now.  You should be his top priority.  Sending you hugs!

di0607

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I would just forward him (hubby) the email and see what he says. From very early in marriage hubs and I have a rule- he handles his family and I handle mine. I refuse to deal with his psycho family.