Looking for Support- a little bit of vent too...

oliv0026

Ladies, I really need some encouraging words over here...

So, My DH family dont care about us at all. We have no relationship so, no support on that side. My family is very supporting, but they are in my home country. Here I have no one but my DH and a few special friends who I would do anything to help.

My friends have their own kids, in fact, one of them cant stop having them! When we get together, all what they do is compare what their kids are doing and complain. They complain they are tired all the time, lack of time for themselves, how life is hard and so on. I get it, I have taken care of kids for over 10 years and although they werent mine, I know it is hard, but that is all what I want for myself. I want a family, I want to be tired with my kids and yet, at night time, be able to read a book and kiss them good night. I want all of that! The good and the bad! It is kinda hard to see them complaining about that all the time...

So, they know we decided to adopt, but yesterday I told them we are adopting kids, possibly siblings of 2. One would think a real friend would say ' Oh, congratulations, I am happy for you" or I would say " I am happy for you and I am here for you" because that is who I am. Instead I hear " Are you crazy?" Do you know how expensive kids are? Why do you want older kids? Why do you want 2? Dont you want to have your own kids? You should adopt a little baby so you can teach your values... and so on. Now, these friends are like my sisters. I love them, they are all what I have here in U.S, yet, not for one minute, they were happy for me. Not for one minute, they showed support. in fact, when I asked to one of them to write a letter of reference for the process, she really told me she didnt have time, but I could write the letter and she would sign it for me. Well, I got someone else to write the letter so, whatever.

My DH and I are so excited and cant wait to have our family grow. We love the idea of having older kids. Of course it will be hard, but so it is with little kids too! 

Now, I need suggestions. What would you do? Would you get together with your friends and ask them to not say those things and just be happy for me? Or would you just ignore? What would you do?

Dr.Loretta

If they are close friends, I would ask why they reacted that way when you're looking for support. If they can't be that for you, it sounds to me like they're not as good friends as you thought they were. If they continue to react this way I would seriously re-evaluate the friendship. I wouldn't want my kids hearing those things from "friends".

I'd try to educate first then go from there. Is there a cultural bias against adoption at play?

alishakay

No. 1 a lot of people don't understand adoption, are uneducated, or closed minded. No. 2 I'd find new friends (that may be a little harsh.

I think what you could do is take this opportunity to open their minds a little. I would first start with you not appreciating the lack of support, or them questioning what you're doing. Maybe even to the point of asking them why they had kids? Who even says these things?!

Explain to them that this is your journey, not theirs, they don't have to agree nor like it, but if they want to be your friend they will support it!

Get it figured out now, you do not want this negativity around once your children are here.

nlscroggins

just wanted to echo the previous 2 posts. i'm really sorry you're dealing with this. but the good thing is- it's YOUR journey, and you have a say in who stays and who goes. i've found myself much happier on my journey ridding myself of negativity. no one needs negativity in play during such an emotional, stressful journey. if you talk to them and truly attempt to educate them and let them know you need their support now more than ever, and they still act like they've been acting and keep dragging you down, i'd definitely advise you to distance yourself from them for a while. 

fwiw, i am thrilled for you and i think adopting older children is completely awesome! good luck!! 

leisemomtobe

I want to echo the previous posts also. Many people don't understand adoption at all. I didn't even fully understand it at first, which is why I did research and spoke with different individuals. But regardless of understanding that, your friends should have been supportive. You can be supportive and then say, "could you help me understand your thought process and how it all works?" I would definitely let them know how hurt you are and if they cannot be there for you, then you will have to go your separate ways. This is a hard process, yet totally worth it and you need supportive people in your corner. There may be days where you second guess yourself or get down because of one thing or another with this journey and it helps to have those people in your corner. With that said, feel free to come here with any thoughts or questions, etc. We all would be more than happy to listen and be supportive. That's why I love this board so much. We are always pulling each other up. This is an exciting time in your life!!! I hope this helps.

oliv0026

Thank you  so much ladies, this is what I need! Someone who can understand me and stop criticizing me! I have texted one of my friends asking to meet her so I can talk about it, she hasnt replied, but I will let you know what happens. Now, do you wanna know something that might impress all of you? My friend`s husband is adopted himself, yet, he is against it and says he would never adopt. He doesnt like his adoptive parents and think they never loved him ( I met them and find them very nice people) and so he went looking for his biological mother. The agency found her but she never even wanted to see his picture. You would think someone like him would support adoption right? For some reason he doesnt...

I can tell you for sure that not for one minute I think about giving up on this process, we have our questions, which btw, I will be sharing on other posts! but we are so excited about it! Like most people, we initially wanted a baby and that is how we started the process, but as we got into all classes and started learning about the waiting children program, we grew into it and now we love the idea! 

Dr.Loretta

I"m glad you feel supported. Your friend's husband may have many valid reasons to not feel positive about adoption, but you need to follow your own path. GL moving forward.

ecotime47

Wow. I'm sorry your friends responded that way. What you and your husband are doing is a great thing! For what its worth, I'm excited for you! Your friends will get behind you. Give them some time to absorb the news and think about it.

Chele

Good luck when you talk with your friend. 

Out of curiosity, what is the solution for the friend's husband who doesn't support adoption? Orphanages? It's sad he didn't have a good relationship with his parents who raised him. 

Wish Upon A Star

I am sorry that you are going through this. I haven't told many people, but I can already tell that there will be several people who do not understand adoption. (And if it was anything like the misunderstandings people had about infertility- I am in trouble). 

A agree with other people- you have to follow your path. Sometimes I try to teach people, and sometimes I realize I need to cut ties and move onto people who will be more understanding.

I will say this- I have a close family member who was adopted himself and he was against adoption for years.  My interpretation of it is, he was adopted during the time when adoptions were "dirty little family secrets" it was certainly a far cry from the open adoption I have applied for. He had a lot of shame and resentment, and feeling like he was abandoned. He has since changed his tune, and is very supportive, but he had some issues he had to work through.

oliv0026

Update - Talked to my friend, the important one as the other I dont care about.

I explained her how I was feeling and how it hurt me that she never said she was happy for me, instead, only criticized and questioned our decisions. Well, she listened to me and I listened to her. As many of you have already said, she is just not educated in this topic and does not get it. My story is a little different from some people that go for adoption. I chose adoption not because I have infertility issues. Well, I do, but it is possible to conceive if I wanted to. The thing is; I dont want it. I prefer adoption. I want to be a mom and I dont care where the child comes from. In my mind, why would I make one more child when there are so many out there needing a loving family already? That is the part my friend doesnt understand. I just told her she has to respect my decision and go with it if we are to stay in each others life. I also offered to educate her a little on the topic and I ordered the book "In on It" for her and she is willing to read it. So. hopefully I am able to change her attitude on that.

Regarding her husband... I dont know @wish upon the star maybe you are right. Maybe he is from the time when being adopted was something "wrong" and had bad experience. I think he still doenst accept the fact he was "given away" and doesnt feel he was loved as much as he should. Maybe one day he will change his thinking. Maybe once I have my kids a can show him a different prospective.

Anyway, thank you so much for all of you. I know I dont post very often but I am always reading and have you all in my thoughts wishing you the best.

CarolinaGirl2014

I just wanted to say I'm glad things seem to be working out, and thank for for putting "given away" in quotations. I hate that phrase because my daughter is not an object whose possession can be passed around, and I didn't give up on her- I placed her. I appreciate that you see the difference. I don't get angry b/c I know most people don't know any better, but it still hurts. This is why I love this board!

lorifromwi

@oliv0026 I'm happy to hear your friend is willing to learn more about adoption and be open and supportive to your decision...sometimes a conversation is all it takes. 

As for your friend's husband...let it go.  He's got a lot of history and emotions behind adoption, all of us adoptees do and I would be really pissed off if someone were to try to get into my head about it or change my perspective.  My personal situation has come with the good, the bad and the very ugly.  I happen to believe in God, so I just trust that he put me where I needed to be...even if sometimes I disagree or don't "get it".  I'm 38 and saying these things and I never expect the questions to leave.  My best friend (aka sister from another mother) is also adopted (as is her brother), her experience is TOTALLY different than mine, and we respect that about each other.  A coworker/friend's DH is adopted and has had yet a completely different take on adoption.  I completely don't understand his viewpoint, but I respect him enough to let him have that vision.

So, that's a very long-winded way of me saying respect his position.  See if he's interested in sharing more, but don't push it or expect to change it when your kiddos arrive.