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Adoption
Looking for Support- a little bit of vent too...
Ladies, I really need some encouraging words over here...
So, My DH family dont care about us at all. We have no relationship so, no support on that side. My family is very supporting, but they are in my home country. Here I have no one but my DH and a few special friends who I would do anything to help.
My friends have their own kids, in fact, one of them cant stop having them! When we get together, all what they do is compare what their kids are doing and complain. They complain they are tired all the time, lack of time for themselves, how life is hard and so on. I get it, I have taken care of kids for over 10 years and although they werent mine, I know it is hard, but that is all what I want for myself. I want a family, I want to be tired with my kids and yet, at night time, be able to read a book and kiss them good night. I want all of that! The good and the bad! It is kinda hard to see them complaining about that all the time...
So, they know we decided to adopt, but yesterday I told them we are adopting kids, possibly siblings of 2. One would think a real friend would say ' Oh, congratulations, I am happy for you" or I would say " I am happy for you and I am here for you" because that is who I am. Instead I hear " Are you crazy?" Do you know how expensive kids are? Why do you want older kids? Why do you want 2? Dont you want to have your own kids? You should adopt a little baby so you can teach your values... and so on. Now, these friends are like my sisters. I love them, they are all what I have here in U.S, yet, not for one minute, they were happy for me. Not for one minute, they showed support. in fact, when I asked to one of them to write a letter of reference for the process, she really told me she didnt have time, but I could write the letter and she would sign it for me. Well, I got someone else to write the letter so, whatever.
My DH and I are so excited and cant wait to have our family grow. We love the idea of having older kids. Of course it will be hard, but so it is with little kids too!
Now, I need suggestions. What would you do? Would you get together with your friends and ask them to not say those things and just be happy for me? Or would you just ignore? What would you do?
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Re: Looking for Support- a little bit of vent too...
I'd try to educate first then go from there. Is there a cultural bias against adoption at play?
I think what you could do is take this opportunity to open their minds a little. I would first start with you not appreciating the lack of support, or them questioning what you're doing. Maybe even to the point of asking them why they had kids? Who even says these things?!
Explain to them that this is your journey, not theirs, they don't have to agree nor like it, but if they want to be your friend they will support it!
Get it figured out now, you do not want this negativity around once your children are here.
Wow. I'm sorry your friends responded that way. What you and your husband are doing is a great thing! For what its worth, I'm excited for you! Your friends will get behind you. Give them some time to absorb the news and think about it.
I am sorry that you are going through this. I haven't told many people, but I can already tell that there will be several people who do not understand adoption. (And if it was anything like the misunderstandings people had about infertility- I am in trouble).
A agree with other people- you have to follow your path. Sometimes I try to teach people, and sometimes I realize I need to cut ties and move onto people who will be more understanding.
I will say this- I have a close family member who was adopted himself and he was against adoption for years. My interpretation of it is, he was adopted during the time when adoptions were "dirty little family secrets" it was certainly a far cry from the open adoption I have applied for. He had a lot of shame and resentment, and feeling like he was abandoned. He has since changed his tune, and is very supportive, but he had some issues he had to work through.
"Even miracles take a little time"
@oliv0026 I'm happy to hear your friend is willing to learn more about adoption and be open and supportive to your decision...sometimes a conversation is all it takes.
As for your friend's husband...let it go. He's got a lot of history and emotions behind adoption, all of us adoptees do and I would be really pissed off if someone were to try to get into my head about it or change my perspective. My personal situation has come with the good, the bad and the very ugly. I happen to believe in God, so I just trust that he put me where I needed to be...even if sometimes I disagree or don't "get it". I'm 38 and saying these things and I never expect the questions to leave. My best friend (aka sister from another mother) is also adopted (as is her brother), her experience is TOTALLY different than mine, and we respect that about each other. A coworker/friend's DH is adopted and has had yet a completely different take on adoption. I completely don't understand his viewpoint, but I respect him enough to let him have that vision.
So, that's a very long-winded way of me saying respect his position. See if he's interested in sharing more, but don't push it or expect to change it when your kiddos arrive.