NTTCR I am breaking down

MelissaMiso

***child mentioned***

Ladies, I need to vent because I am a pile of anxiety and tears. I need some serious prayers, thoughts, mojo, etc. This may be all over the place bc my brain feels scrambled. I know I have mentioned some of this in the past but things seem to be getting worse and I am at my breaking point. I have a constant lump in my throat and the simplest things are the catalyst for tears. The past few years have been one blow after another and I am at a loss what to do at this point. Just a few of the major things that have hit us: Our house was burglarized within the first year of owning it, we've had multiple financial setbacks with job losses/companies going out of business, we flooded in Hurricane Sandy, a sinkhole just opened in our yard, We are a month behind in our mortgage and none of our other bills have been played this month. DH is finally working full time but does not make a great salary. He does get regular raises but it won't be a good salary for a while unless he gets the opportunity to move into a supervisory position. We would be okay when this happens. I'm working full time but only make $20/hour with no opportunities to advance in the company I'm at. I'm back in school part time in hopes of opening up opportunities (or I will be just as working poor with 4 degrees instead of 3 but I have to try). Though I have slowed down, I am constantly job hunting to no avail. We are no "poor enough" to qualify for any temporary assistance but we are not rich enough to get by. We live in a high cost of living area (Long Island) but have a very modest 2 bedroom bungalow in a not so great area. What is killing us is after Sandy our mortgage payments went up with the increase in homeowners and flood insurance (mind you, we received little from insurance with out claim bc most of our damage was our shed, crawlspace, roof and property. We took an SBA loan but that ended up disqualifying us from qualifying for NY Rising money grants which we probably could have gotten. Our credit cards are killing us bc we have nothing extra to get them paid down.

We've been doing things the right and honest way our whole lives and keep getting the short end of the stick. By nature, I'm usually very calm and chill. I roll with things and have always managed to be fine and lay my head on my pillow at night with a clear mind and conscience. Yesterday I went up to my job to get my paycheck (I'm on vacation this week) and when I came out of the bank I found a woman's debit card in the parking lot. I didn't even think twice and brought it into the bank to turn it in hoping she was a customer of that bank. If I was an asshole, I probably could have used it before the woman reported it lost but I believe in ahimsa (causing no harm) and I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror. I'm usually able to stay positive and hopeful but I think I've reached my breaking point. I'm getting resentful of those that cheat the system (many, but not all, of my clients at work do) and the system itself when I'm busting my ass and falling behind more and more. I'm resentful that despite having four college degrees between my husband and me we aren't surviving even while living modestly. I never feel relaxed or at ease anymore and it is really taking a toll on me and my health. Clearly, I have to put TTC on the back burner (but will still investigate why we haven't gotten KU yet). This is so depressing.

I don't know what else to try or where else to turn. We are considering finding a way to move to a more affordable area but DH can't transfer until he's been at his location for a year so this is not an option. Plus, we have free childcare with both of our parents in the area. Our mortgage payments are on par with rentals so selling and being renters again will not help. I'm looking into mortgage modification to get our payments closer to what it was before the increase. I'm also going to try and find a good therapist (depending on how much my copay is for it). I've considered taking on a part time job but every time I apply I am told I am too overqualified.

Thank you for reading. As a caretaker at work and at home, I get little outlets for taking care of myself.

lcwed

I am so sorry you are going through all this. It does stink when the system that is set up for times like these doesn't work for people who would only need it temporarily and that you are penalized for working hard. You have a toddler, what about WIC? It's not full supplement but it may be something you would qualify with DD.

The insurance going up doesn't surprise me. Ours went up due to increased claims in other areas and we live in a desert. They will recoup there money any way they can. Is there any way you can talk to your bank and see if they can work with you on the mortgage? It seems their best interest to try to get some money. What about calling the credit card companies to see if the can work with you or get them consolidated? That's all I have. Oh, and hugs!

meredithcarole

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time right now. I can imagine how anxious you're feeling.

Here are some thoughts on it (I am hoping you were looking for advice):

- Have you written out a monthly budget? Are you saving everywhere you can? Have you clipped coupons and taken advantage of sales at the grocery store?
- Have you stopped contributing to any sort of savings accounts, 401 (k)s, 529s, etc? The short term is more important right now.
- Do you have car payments? How much do you owe, if so? If it is significant, can you sell and buy a used car out right for $3000 or so?
- You say rental rates are similar to mortgage rates, but how much equity do you have in your home? Think about what you could do with $10k, $20k, or more that you might get from the sale of your house as long as you're not upside down.
- If you are upside down have you looked into HARP?
- Are your parents able to help in any additional way? What if you sold your home and moved in with them for 12 months? Not fun, but think how much you could save. It might allow you to get back on your feet.
- What kind of part time job are you going for? With the holidays coming up most retailers will be hiring. It might only be $10/hour, but it's something. Also, have you made a pact with your husband not to exchange gifts this year? Sophie is young and won't know much of a difference if she gets fewer presents. It sucks, but it is for the best in the long run. All those little things add up.

I really am sorry that you are going through this. It is hard when you do the right thing and don't get ahead. Please try to keep it in perspective of a short term issue. As hard as it is to put TTC on the back burner, it is a good idea because there is a ton of money that goes into a pregnancy and a child even if everything goes smoothly. And then if there are any complications it is much more money.

I really hope you are able to find a good solution to your current troubles. ((((Hugs))))

ETA: better spacing.

kindershlitz

I'm really sorry you have so much going on that weighs heavily.  There are some good suggestions above. All I can think of in addition is deferring student loans if you have them (I guess if you're going they are deferred), possibly getting a consolidation loan to consolidate high interest payments.  I have recently joined a local Facebook group that is sort of a mom-to-mom and they get higher dollar for items, I've noticed.  They sell women's clothing and housewares too. It's not much but perhaps this virtual garage selling could earn some mad money? My BIL/SIL ended up filing bankruptcy and as hard as it was, they have been better off in the long term if it is necessary as a last resort.

I also worked with some low income families and the SSI request forms were saddening.  I basically had requests to put disabled labels on children that were not disabled. It was terrible the away abusing systems goes.  Insurance fraud is another one I see, many people deserve the claims but others don't and it costs us all in the end.  

This is a good place to vent frustrations!

ewenner

***lurking***

I am so sorry you're going through this.  PPs have given some great advice, and I would like to add that you are definitely not alone. DH and I have also been struggling with our finances and I can empathize with your sentiments of how the system seems like it's set up against us sometimes.  

Anyway, definitely put your student loans in deferment or forbearance, if they aren't already.  Consolidate your credit cards so that you only have one payment to make each month.  Downgrade your cable/internet services.  Consider selling items you don't need on ebay and/or craigslist.  

One thing I would differ with from PP is stopping contributions to retirement savings.  If at all possible, continue those contributions, especially if your employer has any sort of matching - that's essentially free money for the future that you should take full advantage of.  

Seriously reconsider renting.  Even if your rent payments would be the same as your current mortgage payments, remember that rent also pays for all the upkeep and maintenance of your apartment, which could potentially save a significant amount of money that you would otherwise be paying yourselves for things like plumbing problems, a broken furnace, etc.  If you do have equity in your home, you could use that money to get caught up on some of the bills you are currently behind on.  

Best wishes to you and your DH.  You will get through this.  

wannabmama23

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. PPs have great advice and I am taking notes, too. I hope you can find ways to take care of yourself--venting here is a great start. Sending hugs.

I have found a couple of tricks really useful...first is tracking every penny in a budget. It's annoying and tedious but you can often see lots of little places money "leaks." The other is to set up a few different accounts where salary checks automatically get split up and deposited into. One is bills, one is house expenses, one is debts, and one is emergencies. Back when we had extra money, we had a "fun fund," too, but it's pretty lean these days. For some reason the multiple accounts helps us stay on track and make sure we have some $ for emergencies.

You are definitely not alone. DH and I are both lawyers, live pretty frugally, and can barely pay our bills. Student loans are killing us. If we had all the time in the world, we'd wait for baby...but...the world is against us there, too.

C_Girlie

(((Hugs))))) sorry things aren't going well for you at the moment. I don't have any advise, but I do agree with po. Hang in there it will get better

hooligans4

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I live here too so I understand your situation.
I would look into WIC or even food stamps. I know the amount you can earn has increased in the past few years. My church gives out food and toiletries each week to people who need it. If you need help most churches will help you even if you aren't a parishioner.

Have your husband look for a part time holiday position. Every retail store has signs in the windows for holiday help. He might only make $10 an hour but it could add up to a few hundred a month extra. I say your husband and not you because I know in my house I do 90% of the house work and care taking. So I will assume you do also so let him work a few nights and weekends. If he does the housework then you can work the second job.

Take it one day at a time. I hope something goes your way soon.

KateLouise

I'm so sorry you're feeling stuck and resentful. pp had some great suggestions. I just thought I'd make a few more.

- Have you got anything you can sell to help you get caught up on bills.

- Have you really gone through the budget/lifestyle for things you can trim: subscriptions, phone plans.

- Have you shopped around for the best deal on insurances, phone plans etc etc

- Have you shoppped around for a lower rate on your credit card.

- I know you said that your mortgage and rent would be around the same. Have you added up everything including the insurance, council rates (that's what we have here in NZ for community services like water and roading, not sure what you guys have other there) and the inevitable maintenance costs of home ownership. Did you look at rental costs of a smaller home?

I'm sure most of my ideas are obvious, and you probably have looked into these things, but just thought I'd point them out because it can be easy to overlook ideas.

Also, I just thought I'd say, me and DH dealt with $25,000 in debt by following Dave Ramsay's ideas. He has a religious angle, which isn't for everyone, but his basic ideas are common sense and we found him motivating. Basically his premise is, you make getting rid of debt the priority, and sell everything you don't need, and live as basically as possible so you can be free financially. I think also just following some of his ideas can make you feel more positive because you can see the progress in what you are doing.

I hope things start to look up for you and your husband soon. And you were absolutely right to come here and have a vent. You need to look after yourself too, no matter how tough things get.

I don't know if you're on the nest, but there used to be a money matters board there, and if you want financial advice, the ladies there are great at really helping you look closely at your budget.

CML11

Hugs, I don't have advice, but I just wanted to offer support and hope that things start turning around for you. I'm sorry.

wvarn

Just offering support.  Seems like some the previous posters have given some really good advice and some options to look into.  I truely hope things start getting better.

tmorash

I feel like I'm coming in after much of the good advice has been given (and pp have had some great thoughts), but I wanted to chime in to say I hope you find some solutions and relief, and to offer you the biggest virtual hugs. I'm so sorry you're going through a hard time, and I'm glad you can seek out support here, and the advice of previous posters, at least some of whom (myself included) who are now struggling or who have in the past.

Hugs hugs hugs.

Davie813

I am so sorry you're going through this.  I've been there, and it sucks.  

As far as your bills go, in my experience most utility companies, etc, are willing to work out payment plans so you can avoid falling behind and hurting your credit.  Credit card companies, sadly, not so much.  Most credit card companies will refer struggling cardholders to debt consolidation companies they work with, but a lot of these are for-profit and actually kind of predatory.  Be careful if you go that route...

Here are the specific things I did when I was in financial crisis.  None of it may be applicable to you, as this was a few years ago when I was single, childless, and renting, but here it is:

-worked out extended payment plans on utilities and other bills
-student loans in forbearance
-refinanced car
-loan from parents to pay down credit card
-took on as much freelance work as I could (including editing a huge and horrid self-published anthology of pornography)
-applied for food stamps

An acquaintance of mine declared bankruptcy at around the same time, and is now very glad she did...so there are solutions.

This is only temporary, even if it doesn't feel like it, and both you and your husband are going to come out of it even stronger than you came in.  I know it doesn't feel like that now, but I promise it's true.  I hope you're able to find a strategy that works for you sooner than later.  Hang in there! >:D<

kelley72

I just want to offer a shoulder.  We are not financially well either, it is a work (slow) in progress.  I wish you well and pp's have given you excellent information I hope some of it assists you.

URMySunshine77

I hope that the situation improves for you and YH, Melissa. I hate to hear you so stressed. 

If you are the primary caregiver for your daughter after work hours and on the weekends, then I would echo the advice about YH finding a part-time job with some extra hours in his free time. 

Sending a bear hug to you.

flyliceandcoffee

i don't have much to add, but i hope things pick up for you soon. feel free to vent away, that's what we're here for!

URMySunshine77

@MelissaMiso are you doing OK? Thinking of you.

TAT2MAMI

Don't have much more to add that PP haven't already said. Just want  you to know that we are all here for you. Hope you're doing okay!

MelissaMiso

Thank you all so much for the support and suggestions. I've found that actually letting myself cry is a big help, even if it's just in my car while driving between work and school. I'm doing my best to try to stay positive and all of your good vibes definitely help. A million thanks to each and every one of you wonderful TTCers.

nrose778899

Hi Melissa: I am also jumping in this so late but want to offer another shoulder and good vibes
And also, wow, a good cry can do wonders, can't it?
I wish you all the best and am sure that things are going to look up so soon!!