Question about your MIL

MoFree

I read so many posts about challenging mothers in law where they use questionable judgment, don't know boundaries, have no filter, etc.
How is your relationship with your DH's mother? Does she fit the stereotype?
Fortunately my MIL lives 3 time zones away from us and we only see her a few times a year. She was awful in the past but is far more nurturing and interested in L that I had expected.
I also have a SMIL who is absolutely wonderful and am much closer to her than I am to my own mother.

TJ1979

MH's mom is a mess.  She lives halfway across the country though, so we don't see her often.  When she IS around, she's fine, except that she says things that I truly don't think she means to be ugly, but they are.  Like the time she suggested that we try one of those big girl stores to get me a swim suit.  I was a size 8.  I just didn't like the skimpy styles at the store we were at, because I'm an adult not a teenager, and I'm slightly modest.  Our problem with her is we can't trust her.  She'll say she's coming, then back out at the last minute.  It's always something with her, but she isn't a big part of our lives so we just sort of let it go.

My SMIL is fine.  We recently moved closer to them, so they've been around more.  She's kind of negative, so I don't like that much.  And she's scatter brained (she's the one that argued with me as to whether butter was dairy or not, to the point of insisting on seeing my butter so she could read the ingredients.  Weirdo.)  But all in all, she's nice.  She's nice to me, and as the kids get older, she seems a bit more engaged with them.  I guess she wasn't a baby person.

I wish I could be closer to SMIL and FIL, but I'm just a reserved person.  We don't spend enough time with them for me to be really comfortable with them.  But I don't really have any complaints about them.  Like I said, they are fine.

formerwigirl

My MIL lives 1100 miles away from us so I see her once or twice a year. I've never had any problems with her other than that I wish she would speak up a bit more. She had a very overbearing MIL so she tends to be more quiet. There are a few things she has said that annoyed me but nothing really that terrible. When I had DS and had problems she didn't speak up until the problems were resolved. She then said well I wanted to tell you but I didn't want to be overbearing.

DH and I have great jobs and a house here but I have told DH that I would be willing to move closer to his family. He doesn't really want to move back to the cold and snow so I don't think that will be happening, but I wouldn't mind being closer to his family.

JBDamonM

My MIL is like a see-saw. As a mother in law, she tends to create a lot of headaches - like telling us she would pay for flowers and our rehearsal dinner when we got married but then failing on both, at the 11th hour. Or letting her 5 kids pay for their dads funeral and lying about life insurance. As a grandmother she is better. She is usually willing to help (although she never Lauren's to my directions).,.. I feel like my relationship with her has gotten better since LO arrived. Mostly because she can't ask as much of DH now that he has a child. And for all of her flaws, I do appreciate that she doesn't mettle in our business, she's quiet with opinions etc.

Eve_Angelique

My MIL is wonderful! She lives about 4 hours away and I really wish she was closer. In fact we talk often about trying to live closer to them. Right now we live 15 min away from my parents and they are helpful to us as far as watching the kids and stuff. But my mom works full time and my dad can't handle the kids on his own. But we would get way better support with the in-laws. My MIL just loves her grandkids to pieces and is so caring and nurturing. And my FIL always finds fun stuff to do with the kids. He will just go take them for a walk or something if they are getting to crazy. Whereas my dad just gets crabby and hollers at my two year old when he is just being a busy two year old. I got really lucky with my in-laws they are great! In fact next week I am going up to visit with the kids for the week while DH works and he will come up on the weekend. 

mcgeeva

Yeah not so lucky here. DH is an only child and his mother is HORRIBLE. Drug user, alcoholic, verbally abusive etc. His father is an enabler so all together bad situation. It's drama all the time. She is not allowed to watch the kids yet my husband fights with them every phone call, every holiday you name it. It has caused so much strain on our relationship as well. They have no other grandkids, have been retired for over 20 and the kids barely know who they are. We have seen them the day after I had my newest son, three hours for his baptism and the week after he was born. I don't look forward to any visits. I wouldn't say she fits the sterotype since I feel she is much worse. I prayed I would have a great MIL or shoot even a great SIL. No such luck

mdiblasi10

It's interesting to read about all the different MIL experiences.

My MIL is great with G. She loves him to pieces and I feel comfortable with her babysitting (I haven't left G overnight with anyone yet). We get along just fine, but we aren't close. It's mostly a cultural thing. She is not a warm/fuzzy kind of Mom, whereas my Mom is the complete opposite. I have learned to embrace the differences and not take any of it personal. I know she loves me in her own way

luvboston

My mil is a heinous bitch, she causes trouble constantly from 15k away and has a huge mouth that she hasn't learned to shut. I would say she fits partially into the stereotype but is much worse. We almost got divorced 3 years ago because of her big mouth and she also sends her sister to do her bidding for her. What does do not tell anyone about my miscarriages mean? Go and tell your sister so she can come after me for being some kind of mutant that can't have kids? Yes that's correct!

I wish everyday she would disappear. And she lies which I find reprehensible.

mcgeeva

luvboston I'm sorry! I feel your pain

Mayzie15

My MIL tried to tell me my son was overweight a few months ago and was going to weigh him on a scale in front of the entire family - not a brilliant move! She believes I shouldn't work outside the home and my son will suffer for it - she stayed home with her five children. Her daughter stayed home with her children and I will never compare to her so I don't bother. I will say she is MIL of the year compared to my SIL's - but that's a story for another day!

Robeano

As noted by my earlier post my MIL and I don't see eye to eye on things.

A huge part of the issue between us is that she is incapable of seeing things properly, she lives in her own world and will believe what she wants too. Like for example my SIL and BIL are terrible parents. She talks about what a great job they are doing. She goes around saying she doesn't gossip, that she's super sweet and tries to be girly and prissy. But she isn't like any of those. There is such a disconnect between who she actually is and who she thinks/wants to be. And personally I cannot tolerate people like that (so I realize I am partly to blame for my lack of relationship with her). Like she says she's more than capable of watching her grandchildren but she forgets to put sunscreen on kids and they get burnt, she forgot to change Hannah's diaper before bed last night. She has on 3 separate occasions either forgot she was watching Hannah and made me late for work or said "I have enough time to drive this person to the doctors and be home with enough time to watch Hannah" spoiler alert, she didn't. 

She has in the past said horrible things about me to hubby or my other SIL that I actually really like. If she was anybody else I would have nothing to do with her. But it breaks Hubby's heart cuz his mom never used to be like this. She got really hard after FIL had an affair (they are still together). She's just not very nice anymore. But every once in a while I get this glimpse of this awesome, fun and considerate person and I see the kind of mom hubby had growing up.

And to complicate things further, Hubby's background is Italian, mine isn't. Mine is so different it's not funny. We don't yell, we're more positive, definitely red neck, super warm and inviting. His parents are HUGE on manners and respect. But my family was bigger on honesty and and love . Like I know his dad thinks I'm super rude cuz sometimes without thinking I'll use my fingers to pull meat off chicken, or put my elbows on the table. I actually dread eating there and often will decline certain foods cuz I'm worried it will create a problem. (It has in the past)

CarrieB.

My MIL is fine, but she has a lot of health problems and doesn't drive, so we only see her at big holidays. We pick her up and take her to events with my family. DH isn't super close to her, but we all get along fine.

FIL's wife is completely nuts and we do not get along. We just spent the weekend with them and I was going insane. She has no boundaries, is ultra religious (like every wall covered in Jesus pictures), home schools her kids and judges me for working, doesn't let her kids watch tv and does crazy things like without asking...like just popping my baby into her ratty 10 year old baby sling and walking around the house like it's no big deal. I seriously almost lost it. Thankfully we can just see them once a year and that's it.

phishgirl29

She's great with O and is great with treating us to date nights, but her methods of showing love are over bearing.

For example: for DHs 30th BD. (He's 36 now) I planned a fancy dinner out for just the two of us. She asked what I was doing for him weeks beforehand, and after I told her said nothing else about it. So once the day came, her and her husband were waiting for us at the the restaurant to "surprise" us and pick up the tab as well. I had to excuse myself to cry in the bathroom.

She also likes to cook for us.. A Lot. I love not having to cook meals when we get overwhelmed with work, but what she does is excessive. It's too the point where we can't even pick what we want to eat became she stocks our fridge. DH hates wasting food, so even if we plan a date night, he will cancel it because there is too much food that will go to waste.

I sound like a spoiled brat, but it took me a long time to realize that her actions aren't malicious, just over bearing. She will also drop by with cute shirts she found for me from the Gap, Banana Republic, and Anthropologie, so I know that she likes me. I have friends that would love having her as a MIL and others that would kill her. I fall somewhere inbetween.

mnj05

My MIL completely fits the stereotype. She treats H as her own son and tries to make decisions like it too. She's constantly trying to get bigger gifts for him than we do, taking him away from me when he's fussy or hurt, and she puts DH against me when she doesn't like my answer. We live two hours away so we see her often. She invites herself over and doesn't even ask if we're busy.

Jenny935

I like my MIL a lot. We are very different people, but we get along. I wish she was one step more internet friendly, because when my mom starts to say things like "but when you were a baby, we all put babies on their stomachs to sleep!" I can tell her to go google it, but if I said that to his mom she'd think I was nuts. I didn't think about that before hand, but with DS's allergy issues and all that my mom would google and find peace of mind or realize we weren't just being helicopter parents. I think sometimes his mom thinks we're nuts - but she almost always keeps her opinions to herself when she thinks that. She and my FIL live almost an hour away, but they have dropped things and reorganized schedules to watch DS when he's been too sick for daycare but not sick enough to need one of us, or to help us save money and take a vacation week from daycare or something. DS really enjoys them as well, which makes me happy. Sure there's things I'd change, and it's not the same as my parents (who I can argue with and be sarcastic with) but it's still a good situation.

TJ1979

Speaking of MIL's. SMIL just told me P was behind bc she is just now sitting up at 4.5 months. Apparently her children sat up at 3 months. Really? Really?

kmc84

@TJ1979‌ *headesk*
Oh boy!

kmc84

I think part of my MIL issues is that there is too much history between us. I'm almost 30, and DH and I have been together for 15 years. I think she sees me too much as another child still. We used to get along well enough, but she has always been overbearing and very protective of DH, who is the youngest of 5. When we got engaged, she really overstepped her boundaries with wedding planning and that really pissed me off. When I was pg with dd, she was insane! She is a home birth, 4 year bfing, bed sharing, attachment parenting fanatic. Those were your decisions, I will make my own thank you very much! She was devastated that I didn't call her to be with me while I was in labor (she is a doula).

The biggest and most damaging issue is her one daughter. She has clinical depression and was doing ok in therapy and on medication. She stopped taking medication due to weight gain about 2 years ago and has slowly morphed into a very different person. She has done some irreparable damage to her family (including me and DH, we no longer communicate at all) but my MIL (and FIL) defend her to the ends of the earth and MIL cries to DH begging us to 'fix things'. She can't accept that our lives are happier without SIL and we are not changing that.

She is very sweet with dd and I'm thankful for that. I will never let her drive anywhere with her because she is a dangerously over cautious driver. I know part of my resentment issue with her is that my mom isn't here. My mom would have been such an amazing grandma and it kills me that A will never know her, hear her voice, learn any of the great things she would have taught her.... I realize that that isn't my MILs fault, but it's there.

Dh and i are working on trying to fix the relationship we have with his parents, but it's a slow process!

TJ1979

Hugs @kmc84‌. I can't imagine not having my mom and never getting to see her be a grandmother. I'm hugging my mom extra tight next time.

Mrs.AmyDylan

I'm insanely lucky. MIL is awesome. I wish she lived closer so she could babysit a ton. She doesn't work, so I know she would make plenty of time for J. She also makes amazing cocktails!!!

My one random pet peeve is that she pronounces J's name incorrectly. She mushes a three syllable name into two making it sound hokey (she is the only one I've heard pronounce it this way). We do have a pet name we call J that she has started using that doesn't grate like J's given name. 

srveatch

I have an awesome MIL. We aren't best friends but she is nice and sweet. She is an even better grandma! She picks A up from daycare early once a week and spends time with her just like my Mom does. She is always willing to watch A when she is sick. She is an ex kindergarten teacher so she is really good with children. The only issue I ever had with her was when I was pregnant and asked her to get the Flu vaccine she balked about it and then said we should consider not vaccinating A with any of the recommended vaccines. We disagreed and MH finally told her if she wanted to see A she would get it. She ended up getting it and never questioned our choice to follow The recommendations of our pediatrician again. We haven't talked about her getting vaccinated this year for the one on the way.

mcgeeva

TJ1979 said:

Speaking of MIL's. SMIL just told me P was behind bc she is just now sitting up at 4.5 months. Apparently her children sat up at 3 months. Really? Really?

Um what???? Mine just turned 7 months and still can't sit unassisted?!! Crazy pants

Seriously dying here reading everyone's posts. I wish I had an awesome MIL

mcgeeva

All I can say is after reading all these posts I hope everyone sees how lucky they are! For the help and good family. 

Roxie5739

I have a good and bad MIL. Firstly she is a fun, energetic 89 year old, very generous and even though we live 15 mins away we only see her once every few weeks. The bad is that she has very poor judgement on what is safe and not safe for A, she constantly picks him up even though I have told her not too as A is 25+lbs now, and she has no idea about how to care for a kid today but meddles in everything. She causes a LOT of PP stress and anxiety for me. She tells people that she looks after A a lot, when she barely sees him. Once it was close to 2 months in between visits so I don't get how she thinks she sees him all the time and takes care of him. She is a really sweety in some ways and really hard work on other ways. I hate to feel bad about her as she is lovely in so many other ways but she will not listen to things I say for dealing with A. So very frustrating.