**Children (not mine) mentioned**

Ann612

This happened several months ago, but it is sticking with me, and I realize I now have a good place to share it (thanks ya'll):

My SIL already has a 3 year old son, and she was in delivery for her second child.  When my BIL came out to announce the gender (girl) my MIL exclaimed: "Now you have the perfect family!!!"

I went from being overjoyed to being crushed, and had to walk away for a moment to shed a couple tears and compose myself.  It just slapped me in the face and I thought "right, because my family is imperfect".  

I realize this may be slightly reaching, and I of course know there was nothing wrong with what she said, but sometimes you can't help the triggers for these emotions.  

SND1231

I totally understand. This is a great place to vent and have people actually understand how you feel without judgment.  I just had my pastor announce the other day to the whole church how much he loved all the children in the church and that families just weren't complete without children... I barely kept it together..

theholmanherd

Definitely a sucker punch with that comment. I'm sorry

harpjolie

BandM14

I can understand why you felt upset. It's started to bother me when people say "starting a family" to mean having children for that reason. I don't want to feel like DH and I aren't a family unless we can reproduce. I'm sure that a comment like that, on top of the new birth that just happened, would have triggered IF related hurt/sadness in me too.

BunnyBerry

Sorry your mom said that, it was not thoughtful. I would totally have been hurt/offended as well. Calling a mom, dad, son, and daughter a "perfect" family is offensive in so many ways if you think about what that's saying...it's like a constricting, judgy idea straight out of the 50s.

I will share a sucky mom comment story to show that you're not alone! It's a very obvious secret in my family that my mom prefers my sister over me, always has - so it's funny to us when these things happen, but still. Called her up the other day, and hear in an excited squeaky sing-song voice, "Siiiiiister's Name!!" "Hi Mom, it's me." "Oh, hi BunnyBerry." Long, long pause. "Buunny Berry!!!" in a really fake voice. 

***CHILD MENTIONED WARNING***

Then a couple days ago, we were chatting about how some American expatriate families we knew actually left China because their little ones were becoming incredibly vain due to the constant admiration of their looks by the local people. Mom says, "You know, not all LOs let that kind of thing go to their head. When you were little," ...wait for it... "Your sister got admiration all the time for being so cute, remember? And it never went to her head." (To clarify, according to the memory of everyone else in the family, I was also a looker as a todder, thank you.)

@bandm14 I agree, I think it's so sad to think TCC is "starting a family," unless you are a single person and see it that way yourself? So all those childless couples aren't families, and the rest aren't actually a family until one is pregnant or there's a LO? Hate that.

Ann612

@BunnyBerry

I'm glad you can laugh at those moments, sheesh!

@SND1231

what an insensitive thing to say!  it reminds me of that announcement the Pope made a few months ago - something about how couple who don't have children are going to gorw old lonely and bitter.  I forget the exact words but I remember being outraged

dancerspose

So sorry, parents can be so awful sometimes (either intentionally or unintentionally).  Luckily DH isn't close to his parents (at least no emotionally, long story) so we only have mine to deal with when it comes to hints/questions about family planning.

SND1231

same here @shafwilson .  My DH isn't close to his dad or brothers so its just my parents really that we even talk to and they do know about our IF.  My DH aunt (which is like his mom, since his mom died when he was young) is soo condescending about children at all  She tells us all the time how we are not ready for children and how they totally change your life... If she only knew what we were going through to have a baby she would freak!

SND1231

@BlueFairy5 yes that is soo true!!! I have heard so much crap from so many people mostly my doctors( not RE or OBGYN just my other 15 doctors haha) about how young I am and how I am rushing things. And after all that I have been through am I really ready for a baby. It's crazy that a doctor that I see for 10 minutes every 3-6 months knows more about me than I do (sarcasm). In my opinion its between me and DH and everyone else needs to shut up! Sorry.. Def not aimed towards you.. Just all the baby haters out there!

Chasity08

Ouch. Don't be sorry for feeling that way. That would've been a big ol' punch to the gut for me too.

ritacita

That's just a really stupid thing to say all around.  Of course your family is perfect as well, and who's to say that your sister's family wasn't perfect before they had a girl?  What if they had 2 boys? That wouldn't have been perfect? People really need to stop and think before they blurt stuff out.  Who came up with the idea that one boy and one girl = the perfect family?  It's bizarre to me. Hugs to you, @Ann612, sometimes you just need to feel your feelings.