Cannot find a good title!

Well I have scrolled along this page many times, have ready many of your concerns, fears and triumphs and have chosen to stay in my small corner with my husband.

 My husband and I started our adoption process in March and finally this past week, we are finally officially waiting for a birth mom to choose us. We went through a private agency and for the most part, we love them! We have visited them several times and even though the process has been long, we are quite relieved for it to be out of our hands. At the same time, I am terrified, emotional, sensitive and...feel pregnant (im not)...I really feel like I am losing my mind at times! I try and explain this to those around me and even those friends who are carrying babies at the moment, I feel like I am just as hormonal as they are these days. The reality of being a parent is hitting me and the realities of ALL that is out of my control is taxing. I am very blessed to have a loving husband and supportive family (at least my side), his side is very distant from the process - they don't ask, we usually have to tell them and sort of fish for their excitement. I think to myself, if I was pregnant, they would for sure be calling to see how we are doing. No body except most of you...understand that this hard in it's own way. I want to be treated as if I am pregnant (I KNOW that is so silly!) but I want the Oohs, Ahhs, How are you feeling phone calls! Am I really losing it or asking too much?

Speaking about my agency, the times we have met with them have been great again but I feel like contact is super short and almost comes across cold when I respond or update them. I will write a paragraph of excitement and will get back a "Okay _______________"! So I am defeated, there is no support groups around here, I reached out to a therapist but they do not specialize in adoption. So here I am, hoping for one person to hear me and truly understand where I am coming from.

I just keep getting these waves of complete excitement that we could get the call right NOW... and then I pop my own bubble with that "What if this never happens or we wait years?" I expected to feel these feelings, just a maybe later in the process! Any advice from those waiting or have adopted, please :)

Re: Cannot find a good title!

  • Dr.LorettaDr.Loretta member
    edited October 2014
    I'm sorry you're not feeling as supported as you want. You may have to be proactive with people, as a lot of them haven't had much experience with adoption, so often they don't know what to say. You may want to get a copy of In On It for both sides of your family, so they can have some education and help support you more.

    It's also hard for people to get too excited if there's no set adoption date in place. When you're pregnant, they know you're due on X date. When you're adopting, you could become a mom tomorrow, or next year. My guess is you'll see more excitement when you get matched.

    Your agency may be very busy, hence the short responses to you. Our office was a one-woman show when we adopted, so our SW was conducting trainings, counseling e-parents and birth parents, conducting home studies, facilitating matches, doing paperwork, etc. Could that be what's going on with your agency?

    I agree that you may just need to find another therapist. Sometimes it takes more than one try to find one you can click with, who will provide what you need. 

    We definitely understand where you're coming from. For the most part DH and I lived our lives and didn't let the adoption process take up too much of our brain space. But there were days I was really excited, and days I worried that something was going to go horribly wrong and we'd never be parents. What you're feeling is totally normal, and expected, especially since you have no idea what the future will bring.
  • I don't have much experience to offer circumstances are a little unusual.

    Bu I just wanted you to know that we are all excited for you and your process and know of ups and downs and are there to support you.  We laugh together, cry together, encourage each other and on occassion tell each other to get our heads out of uncomfortable places. :)

    Develop your resources, therapy, books, online, family and us.  Learn who can be there for you in various situations and leverage that. 


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  • MCatNeo123: Congratulations! Children are a blessings and I hope you dont have to wait to long before you get your phone call! My DH was adopted and we are planning on adopting at some point in the future. Laura Christianson has a book that may be helpful titled "The Adoption Network:How to Start a Support Group System.

     Congratulations again! 

    ((Hugs and Love))
  • MCatNeo123  How exciting! Good luck! I hope you're chosen soon!

    I have a feeling outsiders don't really think to check in or get excited because it's not something that's tangible. My mom gets super excited about grandchildren and seemed excited when we told her our plans to adopt, but the process has taken so long that it's lost it's excitement. When I called her the other day to tell her we were finally invited to take the classes and that they'll run though February, she said, "Is it really worth it?" I thought that was a pretty sh*tty thing for her to say to me. In hindsight, I should have responded that I thought the 9 month wait was worth it for my daughters. Nobody ever asks us anything about the adoption process, so I don't even bring it up. It would be nice if other people showed support, though.
    Happily married Mom to 2 beautiful little girls, 2 dogs and 2 cats (all rescues), 2 fish and one 29 year-old firebelly newt.
    ~ Hoping to add to our family by adoption via Connecticut DCF. Application submitted on 2/4/14. First home visit on 6/23/14. Started class 11/17/14.~

  • I'm sorry about the lack of support. I'm coming from the other end of things (I'm a birthmom) but my family and friends never ask about my daughter or adoption anymore, even though it's very open and they can see her if they choose. I think people get uncomfortable and afraid of asking or saying the wrong thing b/c it's such s touchy subject. Sometimes we have to be brave to say " you're not going to hurt my feelings if you're heart's in the right place, but I want and need to talk about this."

    Also, I say call around. My therapist doesn't specialize in adoption but she's an adoptive mother so she's at least in on this crazy world and gets a lot an outsider can't. Maybe ask around for something like that?
    Birthmom to A, 1/8- the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

    A Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. -Lao-Tzu

  • I am sorry you are feeling unsupported. 
    We are in that waiting phase too right now- I can completely relate to waves of excitement, followed by fears that we could be waiting for years.  

    I think the hardest thing about it, for me, is that I dont have any friends who are going/ have gone through this before.  I am lucky that my best friend has been so supportive throughout 5 years of infertility and now this adoption process. She was more than willing to hear me talk about my feelings- good and bad. And she had to learn all the application process, because (just like me) she had no idea that it was such a long and complicated process. I'm sure you have friends or family that are willing to be supportive- you might just have to seek them out. Good luck


    "Even miracles take a little time"

  • Congratulations on your decision to adopt a child! You know, one thing I set in my mind is that when you choose the adoption path, you know you will become a parent for sure, you just dont know the date. For me, it has been much easier since my DH and I decided to focus on the preparation for our child/children instead of just "waiting". We are looking at schools, places to go, where to buy the furniture and fun things like that. DH is my therapist and we just turned the waiting phase into a fun and exciting process. 
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