At finalization?

alishakay

So I was talking to birthmom tonight on the phone, and she kind of caught me off guard. She says "when it comes time for finalization, I want to be there".

I have made no decision, just seeking outside input at this point, although I do have an opinion.

I foresee this day as a day about our family, my husband and I, and more than likely our parents. I fully understand we would not have this family without her, however, I don't want her to think that day is about her. Sorry if I offend anyone saying that.

We are meeting with her monthly, so it's not like she's not seeing him regularly.

And at this point we've kept our family out of our adoption circle. It's strictly been us and birthmom and her family. I'm not even sure how it would be with our parents there and her there and them meeting for the first time on such a special day. I don't want there to be any weirdness that day whatsoever.

Any advice, experience, negative or positive comments.

Again, I don't mean to offend anyone, this is still new to us, and extremely emotional.

alishakay

I'll also add, he's only 9 weeks old, and we have about 7 months before finalization, and my feelings regarding this subject could be totally different at that point.

maryoosa

So. We didn't invite our son's parent (or tell her) about finalization. She asked about it casually a few weeks ago and we told her we did it back in August and she's been pretty silent since. Perhaps we should have told her. I have a lot of guilt over not telling her. That said, I called our agency and they assure me that it's really rare for birth parents to attend finalization- especially in states with long processes to finalization (as opposed to places that finalize before ICPC is up etc). It's the only thin we didn't share with her. And I'm still glad we didn't because we deserve some of our own family memories as well.

Dr.Loretta

DD's birth family wasn't there. I think it would be very painful for a birth family. The entire court proceeding (which is super quick anyway) is all about you being responsible for your child forever.

If you have a good relationship with her, I might ask her why it's important for her to be there.