adoption shower? help.

nlscroggins

hey yall. DH and i are in the process of adopting a baby due in january- he would be our 1st child. we have had 2 people offer to throw us a shower (my sister and his mom- my sister and family all live in a different town that DH's family). the whole idea kind of worries me, as there is so much uncertainty surrounding adoption. while things seem to be going smoothly for the time being, anything could happen. the expectant mother may change her mind come january. there's no way to plan for that kind of thing. DH and i are horrified at the thought of people gathering to shower us with gifts, and then there being no baby to celebrate (probably an irrational thought from a scared and nervous adoptive couple). anyway, would it be rude to decline this type of thing? we haven't even told anyone apart from close family about the adoption, since we want to be guarded and realistic about the fact that the baby is not yet ours. would you suggest possibly a meet the baby type party for after he is home? DH's mom is being rather insistent on throwing us something, since the family has stood by us through all our infertility battle and are very excited for us now. i really don't want to hurt her feelings, and i know she can't possibly understand our feelings. she's already kinda miffed at us for not shouting things from the rooftops about how excited we are. don't get me wrong, we are over the moon! we just are being cautious and careful with our feelings, ya know?

ok sorry for this long winded post. if this was a "tl;dr" situation, to recap- i guess my main questions are would you just bite the bullet and let them throw a traditional shower? would it be better to do a meet the baby type thing? have you ever been to an adoption baby shower? are showers for adoptive moms tacky? i have so much to learn, and i know you ladies will know! thanks in advance for any advice! 

Helenahhandbasket

MandJS said:

There is ZERO wrong with an adoptive parent shower, first of all. However, because of the uncertainty, I'd probably do a shower AFTER the baby is home. Yes, you'll need to buy a few things on your own (carseat, primarily), but most of what you get at a shower can wait until baby is a few months old, anyway.

FWIW, I birthed my children, and still didn't have a shower until after DD1 was born. She was about 3 weeks old and attended her shower. That was on purpose - I am superstitious and didn't want a bunch of baby stuff in the house until I had a baby. It was totally fine.

I 100% agree withthe bolded.

nlscroggins

luckily, we already have a carseat and stroller and a playard/bassinet that we saved up for and bought with coupons. that's another thing about the shower- we buy things as we find them, and really know that we won't need too much anyway for the first little while. i think DH and i will maybe try to steer them towards a meet the baby type thing, and maybe sister and MIL can co-host and everyone can just come at one time once things settle down a bit. MIL will still get to throw her shindig, and all will hopefully be right with the world, haha. 

i have just never been to an adoption shower and didn't even really know if that's something that people did. i have had several friends adopt, but none of their adopted children were their first children, so maybe that's why they didn't have a big shower (makes sense). i've also seen really cute ideas on pinterest for adoption baby showers, but i didn't know if they'd get the side-eye, hence why i came to the professionals here! but it's true that a shower is to welcome someone into motherhood, and i am becoming a mother, even if it's not in the traditional 9-month route  

 thank yall for the responses!! 

dufferoo

I certainly don't think there is anything tacky about a shower for an adoptive mother, but based on what you've said, I think you could easily decline the shower offer by just telling your sister- and mother-in-law that you are afraid to jinx things. Maybe they'll come back and ask if they could do a shower for you after the adoption is complete, but if they don't offer, you could still host your own meet-the-baby party once she is in your arms. Good luck!

neverblushed

Sit her down for a calm and rational heart-to-heart about your feelings.  Certainly someone who is so excited for you and so generous will understand the delicacy of this situation if you explain it kindly but assertively.  Be sure to help her understand that you are really honored and grateful for her offer, but be firm about the fact that the best way to deal with this is for her to throw a shower after you actually get the baby.

She may try to say, "but you'll need all the stuff before the baby comes!"  Remind her gently that most of the "stuff" is really for older babies, and that newborns don't need that much gear.

74dragonfly

Congratulations! 

I had two friends adopt internationally. we had showers before hand since there was less uncertainty. I totally understand your thinking and I agree with the others have a meet the baby party. You deserve to celebrate this new little person. It is up to you when you feel most comfortable to do so. 

Amstreagle

If you don't want a shower until baby gets here I think a meet the baby would be perfect! It's not your MILs baby so it's not her choice on how you decide to announce or celebrate. If you however choose to have an adoption shower, go for it! You are being welcomed to motherhood after all!
Congratulations on your adoption

Belovedvirgo0209

We adopted DD#1 and we had a shower.The way I looked at it was even with pregnancy you never know the outcome and people still have baby showers. I say go and celebrate the beautiful child that is about to change your life and don't dwell on what could happen.

chicagojackie

I think you've got some great advice here, and wanted to add, congrats on your adoption.

This is SUCH exciting news and so lovely.

If it was ME I would wait until the baby was at our house and THEN have the shower. What about a February party? See if the hostesses can plan for February in case there are delays. You could also ask the people at the adoption agency or service what they recommend.

HStrawberry

I've heard it's a Canadian thing but it's super common where I live to have the shower after the baby is born (I will be doing this!). I've never actually been to a shower before the baby arrived. My church just threw a shower for an adoptive mom last month. It was just like any other baby shower, super fun Don't miss out of this tradition, I'd just have it later when you have LO in your arms for good. I would also still call it a shower. You're a FTM... Have fun and enjoy it!!

jraeohyeaaa

My mom had a shower thrown for her when my baby brother was adopted. The women from our church waited until we had him home, he was probably a few weeks old and he was at the shower with us. Maybe do something like that? So you know for sure.