Working Moms Check-in

coffeeandbooks

So the theme this week is "it takes two."   I want to look at how our relationships with our S/O allow us or hold us back from balancing work and family life.  

When I first got married my aunt warned me to have my husband share in cooking and cleaning and child duty right from the start because she said we needed to ingrain that pattern in our relationship early.   I resisted that a little bit because I thought it was ok for us to share in household duties according to our own strengths.   So if I was better at cleaning and my husband was better at yard work that was ok and we would accomplish more if each of us was doing what we were most skilled at.   I am back tracking on this now and I know I need my husband to pitch in more.  However, I also find that scrutinizing my husband to see if he is doing as much as me creates a negative atmosphere, so I am really curious to hear how all of you are keeping things balanced and positive.

1.  How are things at work this week?

2.   How are things at home this week?

3.   Are you happy with how you split household duties with your S/O?    What's working with how you split things up?   What's not?

4.    What piece of marriage advice did you get that stuck with you?

5.    What quality about your S/O do you admire most?

emmy236

1. How are things at work this week?
- super busy because for me it's a short week. I had my 3rd tech deployment over the weekend and it went well. My two up boss seems pleased with me so that's good.

2. How are things at home this week?
- good. My BFF and her new fiancé came to visit this weekend and we had fun. This weekend DH and I are going to a wedding in MN and the ILs are watching R and the furbabies so it's a little mini vaca for DH and I.

3. Are you happy with how you split household duties with your S/O? What's working with how you split things up? What's not?
- before R it seemed like we did a decent job at sharing things. Once R came it seemed to be like we kept score. I felt like he created more work than what he claimed to clean up. We got lawn people to take care of outside stuff which took pressure off DH. We are looking at a cleaning woman to come just twice a month to tackle the main areas. We both work, DH coaches and I'm back in grad school so we need to find a way to ease the burden. So we enjoy our time together.

4. What piece of marriage advice did you get that stuckwith you?
- my dad told me it's not enough to "love" someone you have to genuinely like them as well. That intense inlove feeling fades with time so a solid friendship needs to be there for it to work. DH and I were really good friends before we dated and we are each other's best friends. We've lived all over the country and many times knowing few people. We spend almost all our time together (probably too much) but we have similar interests and genuinely enjoy each other. Don't get me wrong I think he's super sexy and I'm still madly inlove with him, but it's not that lust feeling, it's a deep love.

5. What quality about your S/O do you admire most?
- it's a physical attribute but his sheer stregnth. He's a very large and strong guy. He can do the work of 2 people. He uses that to really handle a lot of situations. People look to him for a lot of help and he thrives in those situations. I guess that confidence that comes with knowing he's physically able to so anything is my favorite thing. On the opposite it's adorable to see my 6'7 270lb hubby squeezing into R's play castle or trying to put on R's tiny shoes and socks.

smg2302

1.  How are things at work this week?

Cruise control, in a good way.  There is a lot to do, but all familiar things.

2.   How are things at home this week?

Great! My MIL was with us last weekend.  I am so thankful to have her in our lives.  She is one of those people who just picks up and helps because she sees it needs to be done, and it never comes with strings attached.  She helps in ways that are helpful to us, not how she thinks we need to be helped.  Having help with a lot of the chores allowed DH and I to really relax.

3.   Are you happy with how you split household duties with your S/O?    What's working with how you split things up?   What's not?

I think we split things really well, although right now I'm the slacker. I cook and clean bathrooms and kitchen and fold laundry.  He does dishes and laundry.  Right now things are sitting in baskets because I get too out of breath to stand and fold laundry.

4.    What piece of marriage advice did you get that stuck with you?

Never go to bed angry.  We're not fighters anyway, but we always go to bed together and in a relatively good mood.  If not, we talk it out first.

5.    What quality about your S/O do you admire most?

I have to narrow down to one?  Just like Emmy, DH is my best friend.  Because of that, I love how honest he is with me,  it definitely keeps me grounded.  He is also immensely loyal.

huzzahuzza

1.  How are things at work this week?

FREAKING AWESOME! LOL It's our state mandated professional development days on Thursday and Friday and I got called in for jury duty that settled so I'm taking today off.  WHOO HOO two day week! 

Side note: I wish there was some way to compensate those that notify their jobs of jury duty and make all the arrangements and then have the case settle out of court.  Seriously, there is enough work to finding and planning for a sub that there was no way I was going in to work today.  But now it takes from my personal days because I didn't actually have jury duty.   I'm feeling slightly guilty because it takes away from #2's maternity leave but I'm getting a ton done!!!!

2.   How are things at home this week?
I'm assuming teeth? J didn't get very much sleep last night and we're baffled.  He kept waking up and pointing out the door. Cuddling was not an option.  At 4:00 crying it out became hysterics.  I guess a nap is also included in my day off today.  

3.   Are you happy with how you split household duties with your S/O?    What's working with how you split things up?   What's not?
I'm pretty happy with how we split things.  H does a really good job understanding that household duties are not high on my priority list because of work, spending time with J, and grad school.  What's working is that I don't have to do yard work! lol What's not is that I still have to do things. HA HA!

4.    What piece of marriage advice did you get that stuck with you?
I don't know that we got a whole lot of marriage advice that we weren't already applying to our relationship.  We've always been complemented on our communication abilities though.  

5.    What quality about your S/O do you admire most?

He is almost frustratingly patient with me and not very critical at all.  

coffeeandbooks

1.  How are things at work this week?

 It feels a little bit like the quiet before the storm.  We are implementing a new CRM next week, and all bets are off for how it is going to go.   I am also traveling to Cleveland this week.  I really hate business travel these days, and am not psyched that the nurse who got Ebola just flew to the Cleveland airport.

2.   How are things at home this week?

 pretty good....we are getting over illness and teething and LO is knock wood finally more himself.

3.   Are you happy with how you split household duties with your S/O?    What's working with how you split things up?   What's not?

This is a work and progress for us.   I had been doing the lion share of everything but I really hit a wall and started to get resentful.  

DH is now making breakfast, doing more post meal clean ups, taking out the garbage and occasionally vacuuming.

  I clean the rest of the house, put LO down for all naps and night time, change all the diapers and feed LO.  

Putting LO down at night every night which takes about an hour got to be a bit much for me, but now  I insist DH tidy while I am doing this, and I usually will ask him to make me a cup a tea and get me a snack or something.   Having a clean house and a cup of tea makes me feel much better about being the only one who puts LO down.

4.    What piece of marriage advice did you get that stuck with you?

Not to stonewall each other.   I know some couple who go days without talking.   DH and I will argue a lot, but I think arguing to some degree is healthy and it is better to do that than to give each other the silent treatment.  

5.    What quality about your S/O do you admire most?

DH can definitely make me laugh.   I love his sense of humor.

MamaMD

1.  How are things at work this week?

Work has been busy but I have been (mostly) keeping up so it's going OK.  I'm on-call this weekend which sucks.  I'm trying not to think about it.

2.   How are things at home this week?

Pretty good.  LO has adjusted well to the toddler room and seems really happy when I pick her up from daycare which makes me happy.  She definitely has her cranky moments but overall has been in a good mood lately.

3.   Are you happy with how you split household duties with your S/O?    What's working with how you split things up?   What's not?

I think we do pretty well splitting household chores.  We do have a cleaning lady once a month which certainly helps.  I do the most of the LO-related care though which we are working on changing.  Somewhere between me being a control freak and DH being nervous about baby care I took over almost everything.  So that's a work in progress.

4.    What piece of marriage advice did you get that stuck with you?

I don't remember getting any specific advice, maybe because we lived together for years before we made it official?  Maybe people thought we had it all figured out already.

5.    What quality about your S/O do you admire most?

His drive and work ethic.  I have never known him to do anything half-assed.

coffeeandbooks

3.   Are you happy with how you split household duties with your S/O?    What's working with how you split things up?   What's not? He's getting better. If I ask him to do the dishes after I make dinner for the three of us, he'll do it without arguing or trying to postpone it (which might partially be because we are living with BIL and he will get nagged by more than one person for it now!). I still wish he would take more initiative with things, but he is getting good about being asked, and I am trying to be good about asking politely and not being annoyed that he doesn't do things intuitively, and not going bananas when he procrastinates!

@allydncr - I am also working really hard on asking politely for help.   I have been reading this relationship book that emphasizes that how you start an interaction (tone, etc.,) really makes a difference on the outcome.   This is hard for me because I'd like him to do things without asking so it feels pretty unnatural for me to ask for help in a nice way, but it does make a difference.

huzzahuzza

I take back one of my comments... I am still happy over all with the balance of chores but my husband is adament that "whoever cooks doesn't do dishes" is not a fair balance because he would be doing dishes all the time.  HELLO that means I'm cooking all the time!!!

snowgirl427

1. How are things at work this week?

Things are fine. I am finally home and have 3 weeks straight with no business trips. WOOHOOO!!! I really feel like Jameson acts up when I return from being away. It will be nice to be home for a few weeks straight. Good for both of us I think.

2. How are things at home this week?

Things are fine. Unfortunately my 4th and final round of Clomid did not work. I did however convince DH to keep trying, so we have an appt with an RE on 10/27. We had one last Friday but the Dr had and emergency and had to cancel. In other exiting news, we determined that we need more space, so we are getting an addition put on our house (which we just built last year). It will add a bedroom (a large bedroom).

3. Are you happy with how you split household duties with your S/O? What's working with how you split things up? What's not?

For the most part. Because DH isn't working, he does all of the outside stuff, vacuuming, cooking etc. I get a little annoyed because I still end up cleaning on weekends and he probably watches 4 hrs of TV during the day, but.... getting him to clean bathrooms doesn't seem to be happening any time soon. We also used to have a rule that whoever cooks, the other cleans. We still do that occaisionally, but not all the time. Mostly he does it all.

4. What piece of marriage advice did you get that stuck with you?

Be equals no matter what. Neither person should have more control over things like money and I agree wholeheartedly. There were times DH made more than me, and now I'm the bread winner.. We each have equal spending power and make large monetary decisions together.

5. What quality about your S/O do you admire most?

His heart. He really cares for animals and people so much.

telicious2

1.  How are things at work this week? My team had a piece of equipment that was considered "redundant" for our move. So R&D took it to the new place to validate it and gave it to a different team to use without my team's knowledge of "giving it away". So after inquiring about it, that team is ordering a new one.

2.   How are things at home this week? Not too shabby. It feels like DS had a better week with his clinginess and whining.

3.   Are you happy with how you split household duties with your S/O?    What's working with how you split things up?   What's not? Just like everyone else, I would LOVE it if DH would see something that needs to be done and just do it on his own. Sometimes I forget to ask/tell him to do something because my mind is preoccupied. I start cooking and then DH will take over because DS is usually whining and tugging at my pants. I put laundry away and DH will usually everything else I ask him to do. I am hoping that once DH graduates and gets a job, that we can split the duties and know what is expected of us. If anyone finds the secret to getting your DH to do things without asking, please share!

4.    What piece of marriage advice did you get that stuck with you? Always kiss each other goodnight/don't go to bed mad.

5.    What quality about your S/O do you admire most? His ability to make me laugh/cheer me up. His level-headedness.

kcwnc

1.  How are things at work this week?
Worky, while it hasn't been overly busy I feel like I've packed a lot into this week and am feeling pretty accomplished.

2.   How are things at home this week?
It's all gone relatively smoothly. This is the 2nd week of H's new predictable schedule which makes it much easier on our household.

3.   Are you happy with how you split household duties with your S/O?    What's working with how you split things up?   What's not?
Hmm, we have some give and take, I feel like I tackle more but then eventually get fed up and get a little demanding. Especially where dishes are concerned. If he hasn't been home in 3 days but left dishes in the sink I'll stack what I've created and cooked with to the side (if it can't go in the dishwasher). Then he adds to said pile. We try to split things up as best we can.

4.    What piece of marriage advice did you get that stuck with you?
His bio mom sent him drunken text messages once before we were married, they have no relationship, saying to marry a thoroughbred so you're never stuck with a nag. - what that means I have no clue. However it did give both of us a laugh and reminded us that we should be grateful for the people we are with. We were so goofy and I feel like I've gotten really serious compared to how we were when we were younger. I try and let go so we can enjoy our time together.

5.    What quality about your S/O do you admire most?
The fact that he can always find something to make a joke about or a reason to smile. I used to be the crazy carefree one and he keeps me smiling now!