Having a very difficult time

Tessybell2007

Not sure how many people will remember me here. I thought about posting in PPA PPD but this is where I first intro'd. 6 months ago I developed this paranoia/phobia of bed bugs. I've never even seen one of these and honestly have no basis for this fear. My only insight to the cause of this is my constant isolation from being a sahm. I live 600+ miles from any family or friends. We moved here away from our family very impulsively and the first place we were in was infested with fleas.

So fast forward to now- I live in a beautiful home. I can't shake the fear though. I inspect my kids skin daily, clean like a psycho, I've torn brand new furniture apart to inspect it, and would estimate that I've spent close to 2 thousand dollars safe proofing my home and buying even newer furniture. It's buggy in NC and if my kids get a bug bite I fall into this downward spiral of fear and anxiety.

The therapist I was seeing said that it sounds like PTSD with tendency towards OCD. I was on anti depressants with no significant improvement. I spent a large chunk of the summer back home with my family and I was so carefree and happy. I even let my kids run around my moms yard in diapers barefoot. My therapist suggested moving back home eventually and that had been our plan anyway.

We had a change in county's and when I was having an episode I went to the clinic in hopes of seeing someone. They told me they couldn't see me anymore because of where I live. I immediately drove 35 mins to the mental health clinic serving my county. They asked me to come back another day because they were so busy and it would take atleast 6 hours for my first visit. This is all with my two kids in two while my Dh works.

I've had a horrible few weeks lately. I think it would fall into the category of mental breakdown. Lots of self hatred feelings, I just can't stand being like this. I'm embarrassed of my phobia. I spend everyday thinking of things that normal people barely know exist. I want to erase my memory of this phobia.

My Dh has missed work because he's scared to leave me alone during the day. He put in his resignation at work and is finding a job back home. He is trying so hard to understand me but I know it's wearing him down.

I don't know what to do. My rational mind tells me that if I had bugs in my house I would know by now. Unfortunately my paranoid mind takes over sometimes.

I have no patience, I'm distracted, I'm a shred of the mother I used to be.

This just hurts a lot.

Tessybell2007

I'll add that I don't have health insurance- that's why my options for help are so limited

BluepointToasted

I remember you, and I am so sorry you are still suffering from this. It sounds so debilitating. I'm glad to hear you are trying to move back home.

Tessybell2007

Thank you.. I'm trying to stay level. I think it will help to be back in my comfort zone but I know I need to seek ongoing help. Cognitive behavioral therapy or something... I get so lost in my own mind.

Mags748

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know that I can rationally tell you that you don't have a reason to worry, and that I have been in homes with bed bugs and have seen them in person and have had no issues in my own home. However I can tell that you know what is rational but your anxiety and OCD will not let the rational part of your brain win.

Since your husband had quit his job, is there a way you can apply for state insurance/medicaid? You will probably have a lot more options for treatment that could possibly be fully paid for depending on where you live.

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Bythebeach09

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I also wonder if you qualify for Medicaid or other plans offered by "Obamacare". Perhaps you can contact your county department of Social Services, or your state's department of health to explore your options? Have you considered any inpatient care? I only say this because the way you're describing your symptoms sounds rather serious.

I hope you're able to get the help you want and are on the road to recovery soon.

dovetail223

I'm sorry you are dealing with this :-( unfortunately the way things work in this country it's very hard for ppl to get help for mental illness. Is it possible for your children to stay with family and check yourself into a state run facility? I realize sometimes there is a sigma attached with being in the 'psych ward' but depending on the state, if you do that, they generally assign you to a social worker which would probably help you get continued treatment free or at a reduced rate.

Again, I'm really sorry you are going through this. But give yourself some credit for trying to get help.

MrsT0514

Im so sorry to hear that you're still struggling with this. I think everyone here has given you sound advice. Its awful that you are stuck with the waiting game, but I think checking with some local churches like @fredalina‌ suggested, may be a great resource...even if to just help with childcare or to give you more resources for counseling. Also, like another pp mentioned, id be curious to see if you qualify for Medicaid or a sliding scale fee insurance plan of some sort thru obama care.

sleepy33

Ok, I'm not a doctor, but I do work in the mental health field. I would call the clinic you went to with the long wait and make an appointment for the first available opening they have. Our community MH centers have a policy that you will get a same-day appointment if you arrive by a certain time in the morning, hopefully they have something similar there. These clinics are mandated by federal law to provide service regardless of your ability to pay.

When you are there, I would ask them if they think an anti-anxiety med would be helpful in your situation. I'm just an armchair quarterback here, but anti-anxiety was the first thing that came to mind versus anti-depressant. Possibly a combo of the two.

Feel free to PM if you need more specific help for your area. The organization I work for offers free support groups and advocacy for people with mental health issues; see what NAMI NC has to offer in your area: www.naminc.org

ToastieSimons

Are you friendly with any neighbors?  You could  ask one of them to watch your kids while you go sit at the health clinic tomorrow?  

Is there anyway to go stay with your family for an extended period of time? 

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I really hope you can find some support.

@fredalina had a great idea about contacting local churches.

Tessybell2007

I always feel somewhat better when I see the outpouring of support here.

1 hour after I posted this I drove to the nearest mental health facility. My mil is here for the week so I had to take advantage of the babysitting she can offer. It's a first come first serve basis and I got there 1 hour after they opened. I waited 6 hours til the therapist saw me. He asked me a series of one answer questions, gave me a major depressive diagnosis (although I'm specifically experiencing high anxiety) and he had to pull out a book to read up on specific phobias. I was supposed to see him, a nurse, and a doctor, but by the time I had seen the therapist, the doctor and nurse were. Done for the day. They said all I can do is come back in and wait again to have my full assessment and treatment plan. I'm frustrated because this is the 4th time I've done this and wasn't fully seen.

My husband wants me to find a legit therapist and to not even bother with the state issues therapists and doctors. I think my mental health is worth the $$

I could cope with depression and anxiety, it's the specific phobia that is crippling to me. I can't live with this heightened sense of awareness.. It makes me feel nuts! I've even considered hypnotherapy.

I will get better..: this isn't going to be my new normal.

My mom wants me to find a church and it's interesting that multiple people mentioned that here because one thing that has always quelled an attack is reading bible verses. I was raised catholic but drifted ... I am going to reach out to a church and just tell them I'm going through something difficult and need support...

Thank you all... I really appreciate you

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sleepy33

I mean...if you can afford it without it causing more stress, I would be very tempted to pay for a session or two with a private therapist to get a second opinion on diagnosis. It shouldn't cost that much, and will hopefully give you some peace of mind, if you're not confident in this doc and his diagnosis.

Tessybell2007

It's not that I believe more money = better care, but I think I need the one on one time to talk through my thoughts, and feelings. At the places I've been it feels like they're just rushing us through... I don't want to be a number.... I want someone to try to understand me or shed some light on what I'm experiencing... I need coping mechanisms... I'm just so tired. Miss the old me.. And am hoping I can get back to that.

Tessybell2007

But I didn't mean that these therapists serving low income aren't legit, I shouldn't have worded it that way... The therapist that I saw specifically didn't strike me as a therapist... I actually asked him when I would see the therapist and was shocked when he told me he was the therapist

Tessybell2007

I did some research. The university near me only sees students unfortunately. I found a different private therapist that specializes in phobias. I made an appointment for tomorrow. It's going to be kinda expensive.. And if they need to prescribe meds I'll have to pay for that consult as well... But it's worth it

Bythebeach09

Great start!

I may be the only one wondering, but is there a specific reason you can't get on ANY type of insurance?

I'm just thinking of the long run here. Treatment could in all seriousness take years and involve very expensive medications. Have you explored all your options because one of the easiest ways to justify stopping treatment is for financial reasons.

Tessybell2007

I was just talking to my Dh about that exact issue @Bythebeach09‌ He is a teacher in NC right now and we don't get family insurance through that job. I have medicaid but only for family planning. If he wanted us covered it would probably be the equivalent of choosing insurance over groceries. We are trying to move back home and he's looking into securing employment. I really hope that they offer some kind of insurance plan because I know I need ongoing care. This issue isn't going to just go away with a couple therapy sessions. If for some reason we aren't covered I guess I will try to find some kind of insurance... Our finances are always so tight so it's really hard

thebanich

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. My DH is a teacher in NC too and the insurance costs are fucking insane. It would be over 30% of his pay if we were insured through them.

I hope this new therapy works for you and that you get the help you need.

Bythebeach09

Try calling the department of social services. They also offer assistance paying for medical insurance premiums. Good luck.

ShakeyJakey

I don't have much helpful advice but I wanted to let you know that I think about you often between check ins and it's great you've made an appointment. Maybe your therapist could refer you to some more resources? Mental health care is disgustingly lacking in this country so I hope there's something out there or a better job for your H soon.

I know it's really hard to justify the time and expense but I'm glad your H is being supportive. You're always welcome to PM me, I don't have phobias or OCD but I do have anxiety and depression and I know the toll it can take on you and the stigma of talking to others who might not understand, so big hugs!

Keep us updated!

Tessybell2007

Thank you @shakeyjakey I saw the therapist today. It was expensive but it seems like she's trying everything she can to minimize costs for me.

She believes I have OCD and it's giving me severe anxiety. She actually said that the bug thing is unrelated and just where my OCD is focusing. She wants to start aggressive cognitive behavioral therapy and mentioned that this will involve me going through an "exposure" session where I have to be exposed to my phobia... That's paralyzingly to think of but we will cross that bridge when i get there. She didn't agree with the meds I was previously on so I'll be seeing a doctor per her recommendation. I go tomorrow and back to therapy on Tuesday.

Thank you to every single person who chimed in here. It helps to read sound advice instead of what plays on loop in my head.

Bythebeach09

thebanich said:

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. My DH is a teacher in NC too and the insurance costs are fucking insane. It would be over 30% of his pay if we were insured through them.

I hope this new therapy works for you and that you get the help you need.

Oh my good God! That's insane. What's up NC?? Are they unionized??

::scratching teaching in NC off my list::

Tessybell2007

Seriously, doooont teach in NC. It's the state that you get experience teaching and then ship out. The education system is shit and there is no support for teachers