Guilty for feeling disappointed

sharlamyers

I so wanted my first child to be a boy... And I found out yesterday I am having a girl. Then I felt guilty about being so disappointed because so many families have such a hard time even getting pregnant and here I am being picky over the gender of my baby. Is it normal to feel disappointed at first discovering the gender?

ElizabethSwann

Trust me, once your baby is born, the sex doesn't matter.

Congrats on your little girl. 

doxiemom415

I'm just amazed that you already know the gender of your unborn baby? But I am also, however, sorry that you're disappointed in the SEX of your baby. Hopefully that will be a short lived feeling and it'll pass. Good luck!

jk3610

I think especially on the man's part it can be common to feel that way about the sex of the baby.

nbkist

I think it's pretty common to have a little disappointment when finding out the sex if it isn't what you were expecting or had planned for.  I am sure it will pass.  Congrats on your baby girl.

lneice0160

At least you're smart enough to think about the families without children.
Its normal what you're feeling to a degree. I'm sure you will change your mind by the time she gets here and be just as excited as ever! >:D<

taahira

I think it's insensitive to put this thread out here. There have been a few women yesterday who found out they have abnormal genetic results. Testing high for Down Sydrome, heart defects and require further testing. I'm sure they would swap with you in a heartbeat for a healthy baby girl. Boy or girl you have so much to be grateful for.
Congrats on a healthy baby girl.

be888

taahira said:

I think it's insensitive to put this thread out here. There have been a few women yesterday who found out they have abnormal genetic results. Testing high for Down Sydrome, heart defects and require further testing. I'm sure they would swap with you in a heartbeat for a healthy baby girl. Boy or girl you have so much to be grateful for. Congrats on a healthy baby girl.

I agree with this, but did you post something like this on the post of people attention whoring their NT scan when people have losses ? 

drmrsmantis

taahira said:

I think it's insensitive to put this thread out here. There have been a few women yesterday who found out they have abnormal genetic results. Testing high for Down Sydrome, heart defects and require further testing. I'm sure they would swap with you in a heartbeat for a healthy baby girl. Boy or girl you have so much to be grateful for. Congrats on a healthy baby girl.

I think this is the kind of thing that OP probably feels guilty about.  I went through the same thing with my first pregnancy and it was really hard for me--I think it takes courage to admit it to a board of women who might flame her for it.  Her feelings are valid, even if this isn't as scary as the situations of others.  IMO, it's like saying you can't complain about a migraine because there are people out there with cancer.  Yes, it's helpful to have perspective on the issue but it doesn't mean you can't feel your feelings or be a bit disappointed.

taahira

@b&amp;e888 I'm unsure of what comment you are talking about?? Im has proud as anyone else to display my NT scan which I have done on hump day.

taahira

@drmrsmantis‌ I agree it does take courage to admit your disappointment. Gaining perspective is where my comment is coming from. Considering we have had some very sad threads over the last few days.

be888

taahira said:

@b&amp;e888 I'm unsure of what comment you are talking about?? Im has proud as anyone else to display my NT scan which I have done on hump day.

I was just asking if you would be comfortable posting a warning like you just did on something that could be a sensitive subject for someone else. DrMrsMantis expressed herself much more eloquently on the subject.

catlover790

I can imagine that this is something that many people feel as I have read it a few times on the bump and also had friends IRL who have expressed disappointment.

I personally will be happy either way (I don't mean this to sound snarky).

Also, I think the fact that you acknowledge that others have difficulty is good. You are entitled to your emotions so I don't think anyone can say you're wrong. We know another couple who had a girl, wanted a boy and told everyone who would listen how disappointed they were! I would recommend not telling others that you are disappointed because at the time we were having TTTC and I wanted to smack her! (not literally!) Also, I think eventually you will be excited and happy to have a girl so then you might feel bad for expressing your disappointment so much to others. Not saying you will do this, just another thought.

edit: autocorrect typos

pblge

As someone who had a lot of trouble getting pregnant, including multiple losses, I have no judgment for this at all. For whatever reason, probably random chance, the majority of our normal IVF embryos turned out male. I really wanted a girl first, as it's been my observation that men are nicer when they have an older sister. I had an older brother who truly terrorized me as a child, so I didn't want this repeated, and I think this is rare for older sisters. (NOTE: I'm not presenting any of this as fact about males versus females, just my experiences.) This is why I wanted a girl first. Well, the best girl embryo didn't take, and the chances are very high that what I'm carrying is a boy (I'm not 100% sure which embryos were transferred--it's a long story). As you can likely guess, this is somewhat disappointing to me, but I'm thrilled to be carrying anything into the almost-second-trimester, so I've gotten over the disappointment.

So, I think OP is entitled to her feelings, and I appreciate her acknowledging that she's lucky to be among the people who got pregnant easily. To OP, I agree with others that a little disappointment in the short term is totally understandable, but if it goes beyond that you might want to find someone (a pro) to talk to about it. Nothing good can come of you raising a child if you're REALLY upset about its sex/gender, or if you stay upset after the child has come into the world. I also think it's good to talk to people (us) about this, versus all your friends and relatives who might tell your child later on that you didn't want a girl.

ElizabethSwann

somerandomchick said:

ElizabethSwann said:

Trust me, once your baby is born, the sex doesn't matter.

Congrats on your little girl. 

We say that but actually families who have a son as the firstborn are slightly less likely to get divorced... Boys are slightly less likely to have absentee fathers, because their fathers are more likely to value them enough to stick around and raise them. 

Your baby's sex does matter, actually, for their entire life, because sexism still exists... and it starts even from parent's attititudes towards their kids.

(I'm not saying OP or her co-parent are going to ditch their daughter for being a girl, I'm just saying 'once they're born it won't matter!' isn't completely true for everyone)

I was saying that to reassure the OP, that i am sure she will come around and be thrilled with a little girl. 

redneckmomma25

I will feel a twinge of disappointment if this is a boy. As long as it's not an overwhelming sadness I think you're good. I will love my child no less if it is a boy.

ElizabethSwann

@somerandomchick-Where exactly are you getting that information from? Never mind, because i really don't think we need to discuss the statistics of absentee fathers in a thread where someone is feeling guilt about having the opposite sex. I don't see the point.

yellowdaisies84

This is my first pregnancy. I've always been skeptical of Moms who just 'know' if they are having a boy or a girl- or even people who can just 'tell' by looking at you. When I first got pregnant, I was like "I don't know what it is! I can't wait to find out!" Then, something happened and I became an "I don't know, I just KNOW it's a boy" kind of person. I feel so strongly that it's a boy. And I'm very happy about that. It's not that I wanted a boy more than a girl, but now that I feel that's what it is I'm excited. I've always worked with kids and teens and I've usually connected more with girls and can see myself being a mom to a girl so easily- but something about having a boy is exciting me. It could also be that I'm a nanny for a girl- who I love so much- but maybe it appeals to me that I'm having something different- a unique experience- compared to the one I'm used to.

But of course, the thing is as everyone reading this knows- I don't really know that I'm having a boy. And the Dr could very well tell me it's a girl. I can't say for sure how I'm going to feel. I will be very surprised for sure! Maybe disappointed is even the right word for that moment. But I'm sure I would move on like two seconds later and be like "Okay, I was wrong. Okay, girl. Girl!" and get super excited again. 

I feel like there is a difference between having a boy or a girl. The experience is different. And, having worked with both of them, I have my own general preferences (although every child is different of course not all girls are the same and same for boys.) I can't say I'll be DISAPPOINTED to not have a boy. However, I kind of do get that you feel disappointed and guilty at the same time for not getting your preference. Don't beat yourself up over it. Go easy on yourself. You're hormonal and that's amping everything up a lot. I bet you'll move on fast and never wish for anything else than what you're getting. 

If nothing else it's a GREAT reminder in life that no, we don't get to choose and control everything and in fact, the best part is.......thank goodness that we can't! We always feel like our choices and our preferences are so correct for us but a lot of the time they're not. You may have wanted your first child to be a boy but that's not what life has in store for you. For the record, if your second child is a boy- I've always found that boyfriends I had who had big sisters were so sensitive and family-oriented. It's something I noticed when I was like 13 and I still remember that thought. 

Congrats on your little girl!

ETA: OMG @pblge you had the same observation about boys with big sisters!!!!!! That delights me I thought it was such a quirky thought that I had!

yellowdaisies84

MOtownMama said:

I think it's great that you acknowledged the struggles of others and how that might make your disappointment seem petty. I do understand. I wanted a son first. As it turned out, he ended up being a boy. In a weird, irrational moment, I began to to feel sad. I felt like I was "mourning" the daughter that could have been. Before I knew for sure, I had two distinct images in my head of what a son or daughter would be like. When I found out I was having a boy, even though I had a feeling it was a boy and wanted a boy, I felt like the IDEA of my potential daughter was stripped from me. I'm not sure if I explained any of that correctly. My main point is that I think it is natural to have feelings toward one sex or the other and to feel disappointed when you don't get to fulfill your dream of one sex or the other.

Interesting!! 

picklesx

I can understand your guilt at feeling disappointed. Although we won't find out the sex of this baby for another 6 weeks or so, I will be disappointed if it is a girl. I'd really like only boys and although I know that's not up to me and I will love this kid regardless of whether it's a boy or a girl, I feel very guilty knowing that I will be disappointed. I felt the same way with my first pregnancy, and even more guilty for feeling that way since we had gone through IF treatments.

I think the disappointment you feel is common but a lot of people are uncomfortable admitting it.

whippoorwill3

I had a moment like that when we found out. For some reason I was hoping for a boy so the first half of my pregnancy I kept picturing a little boy, thinking about what it would be like to parent a boy, etc. At 20 weeks when we found out we were having a girl it was a little bit of a shock feeling like I didn't really "know" the baby growing inside me. It didn't take very long for me to feel connected to the baby again.

On a side note, I had some anxiety about raising a daughter and after some reflection I realized it was because I didn't have a very good relationship with my own mom. It helped me a lot to spend time around friends who have little girls and see them have healthy relationships. Now that she's 2 I absolutely adore her and treasure the bond we have already.

dana1047

Everyone has said I was having a boy. My woman's intuition said girl. I'm also a FTM & I *DID* have a hard time getting pregnant. 1 1/2 years.

I found out I'm having a boy. I'm ecstatic that there were no chromosomal abnormalities but I am a little bummed just because I haven't been around baby boys much, there's not as cute of clothes to buy, and picking a boy name has been super difficult for us. Plus there's the whole....this is probably our only child....We've had a girls name for 3 years.

With that said, I'm not crying or upset and I know I already love the baby I'm growing. I'm just disappointed in myself for letting those feelings get to me.

Now I'm holding out for red hair

mrstambourinegirl

My mom felt the same when she found out I was a girl. She said when she told the family, everyone was so happy to have a baby girl around, and she was just blank. She then chose my name, and started talking to me whenever she was alone. Soon enough she couldnt be happier about having a girl. 

I think how you are feeling is so normal, and many women go through it. You probably already had some views on how a life with a son would be, so now you feel you have to re-plan it. No worries, soon you will have all re-planned. 

allycejade

At the end of the day, try not to focus on ur disappointment but rather focus on why having a girl is so great! After all, if the ultrasound technician / gynae is confident in his/her prediction of it being a girl, then that's that. It's a girl. And while I completely understand that U are feeling down about it not being what u expected it to be - and I don't judge U, there is no use wallowing (for lack of more sensitive word - so my apologies).

Go out and picture urself being a mama to a girl only. Where u don't hav a boy to think about when u go out for little girly dates with Each other. My first child is a girl - and though I had no preference (and so I wasn't disappointed with her gender) - I find having a girl first to be wonderful. We have tea parties (she's 2) and play dress up, and dance, and pretend we r fairies ........ Things I might have had to alter to fit the criteria of the game for an older boy to join in on the fun. And seeing as I'm a girl (obviously :P) it's lots more fun for me to do girly things!

There are positives and U will find them. U will see, as a lady previously mentioned, once that baby is born U will forget all about that gender wish and U will just feel so excited for that bundle sitting in Ur arms. For that little thing that Ur body created that is looking at U and falling more inlove with ur sweaty brow than any other person in this world! U have a couple of weeks so Giv urself time. And allow urself the peace to know - it doesn't matter! Xxxxxx

lneice0160

Also, my DD loves all the girly things I do, but she also loves little boy things too like digging in dirt, cars and motorcycles, and DH's tools...you never know how she will turn out but a girl can be a lot of fun....plus one thing I was really excited about was newborn stage..girls don't randomly pee in the air on you haha

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Yaz14

I'm sorry you feel disappointed. I believe it's quite common to feel a little disappointed if your baby's sex isn't what you had expected. You shouldn't feel bad. And like PP's have said, once your baby girl is born her sex won't matter. Congrats!

MPKbaby237

I understand the OP. I am secretly hoping for a girl because I have such a close relationship with my mom and grandma. I know this sounds terrible/ crazy, but I'm having a difficult time seeing myself as a good mom to a son. It could be because I have a terrible relationship with my father and brother. My brother was the "problem child" on drugs/ jail/ gang life and I see how it strained my parents relationship with raising a young man.
Don't get me wrong. I will absolutely love my baby no matter the sex. I just wish I had better examples in my life that I could pull from to build up my own confidence. Not sure if that makes sense.

alisajs

With my first, I had a feeling from the very beginning that it was a boy.  For some reason, I had always pictured myself as a mom of boys,  We were told by an ultrasound tech at week 14 that it was a boy.  She said although it was usually too early to tell, she could clearly see.  We were thrilled.  We picked a name, and started referring to him by it.  So when 6 weeks later, at our anatomy scan, we were told it was a girl, I was shocked.  I burst into tears immediately.  I felt like I had 'lost' my son, although it had really been my daughter all along.  And of course, like you, I felt guilty for my feelings.  It took me a few days to start to get used to the idea of a girl.  But now, my daughter is almost 4 years old, and I promise you there hasn't been a single day of her life that I wished she was a boy.  Truly.  Now we ARE having a boy, and although we are thrilled, there is a little part of me that is scared I won't love a boy as much as I have fallen in love with my daughter.  Seeing your baby, no matter what the sex, WILL change you - and will make you fall in love with them.  In the meantime, go easy on yourself ... feelings of guilt are useless.  You'll get there in time.  Congratulations on your baby girl!

amandasallee

Since this is your first child, you naturally have not yet experienced the overwhelming and life changing moment when you hear your baby cry as she takes her first breath and you know she's going to be ok. You did it! The hard part of pregnancy, delivery, is over and she's finally here! Then you experience the second life changing moment, when you hold her close to you chest, feel her warmth, and look into her perfect eyes for the first time and say Hi, Mommy is here baby.

I promise you, when that happens, her gender won't matter. Not for that moment. Not when you fall in love with your child instead of your belly.

Guilt and disappointment over anything that want but didn't get is normal. Not that a child is comparable to a job per se, but imagine you wanted a job and didn't get it. You're disappointed. But your not angry that someone else got it, you're upset that you didn't get it. And there is a difference. It's the same here. You're disappointed that you didn't get what you wanted. But in the end, what is it that you REALLY wanted? That particular job and only that job? In other words.......A son? Or simply a healthy baby?

The disappointment and guilt will pass. Your daughter will be amazing and she already loves you sooooo much it's crazy! You're doing a great job. Keep it up!!

yellowdaisies84

alisajs said:

With my first, I had a feeling from the very beginning that it was a boy.  For some reason, I had always pictured myself as a mom of boys,  We were told by an ultrasound tech at week 14 that it was a boy.  She said although it was usually too early to tell, she could clearly see.  We were thrilled.  We picked a name, and started referring to him by it.  So when 6 weeks later, at our anatomy scan, we were told it was a girl, I was shocked.  I burst into tears immediately.  I felt like I had 'lost' my son, although it had really been my daughter all along.  And of course, like you, I felt guilty for my feelings.  It took me a few days to start to get used to the idea of a girl.  But now, my daughter is almost 4 years old, and I promise you there hasn't been a single day of her life that I wished she was a boy.  Truly.  Now we ARE having a boy, and although we are thrilled, there is a little part of me that is scared I won't love a boy as much as I have fallen in love with my daughter.  Seeing your baby, no matter what the sex, WILL change you - and will make you fall in love with them.  In the meantime, go easy on yourself ... feelings of guilt are useless.  You'll get there in time.  Congratulations on your baby girl!

I feel that would be so hard for me and my husband to find out the sex and then 6 weeks later find out it's actually the opposite. I feel like that's so different from finding out that it's not the sex you wanted. Once I find out the sex I feel like I'll invest so much emotionally in that thought that if someone popped the bubble I feel like it would be so startling.

Not that it's actually a big deal or the end of the world or anything. Obviously just be so grateful it's a healthy baby and probably laugh about the surprise. I just feel for you that must have been quite an adjustment. We're finding out the sex and someone close to me thinks it's so dumb to find out the sex and one of her reasons is because she says "They often get it wrong." I am thinking (and hoping) that she is wrong and I don't need to worry about that!

kread8

MOtownMama said:

I think it's great that you acknowledged the struggles of others and how that might make your disappointment seem petty.

I do understand. I wanted a son first. As it turned out, he ended up being a boy. In a weird, irrational moment, I began to to feel sad. I felt like I was "mourning" the daughter that could have been. Before I knew for sure, I had two distinct images in my head of what a son or daughter would be like. When I found out I was having a boy, even though I had a feeling it was a boy and wanted a boy, I felt like the IDEA of my potential daughter was stripped from me.

I'm not sure if I explained any of that correctly. My main point is that I think it is natural to have feelings toward one sex or the other and to feel disappointed when you don't get to fulfill your dream of one sex or the other.

Ditto this. We were team green and I had two separate images and knew I would mourn the loss of one just a tiny bit. Honestly, you won't care ultimately though once the baby is here. Trust me.

alisajs

yellowdaisies84 said:

I feel that would be so hard for me and my husband to find out the sex and then 6 weeks later find out it's actually the opposite. I feel like that's so different from finding out that it's not the sex you wanted. Once I find out the sex I feel like I'll invest so much emotionally in that thought that if someone popped the bubble I feel like it would be so startling.

Yes - it was hard at the time - but now it's ancient history.  But, this time, I was so glad to have the Harmony test results to tell us the sex - don't think I'd ever fully trust an ultrasound tech again!!

Edited because I'm still not sure how to quote on here ... 

BBS!

Edit bc it cut off most of my paragraph

NaughtyNiner

I cried when I found out our first was a boy, not because I didn't want a boy, but because I was so convinced it was a girl that I was sad my mom instincts were not right. I was also terrified of potty training a boy because I didn't know how. Haha, looking back it's funny to me now that I cried. I have two boys and this is our third, and I am really REALLY wanting a girl. I'm nervous for the ultrasound this time around, because I feel like if it's another boy I will cry knowing I will never have a girl since this is our last. Don't feel guilty for your feelings just because they are not what others feel. Deep down, I know if I have another boy I will be just as in love with him as my boys now, and when you see their cute little faces, all you feel is unconditional love. I have a close friend who just lost her baby to anacephaly, and that had changed my perspective a lot recently. No matter what, i am just praying for a healthy baby.

JaneShops

I'm not sure what's considered common or normal, but I think disappointment is human nature. But don't worry, you're not going to be less of a mother to your daughter by initially wanting a son

Your baby will be a person, her own little person & not defined by her being female

Now that I've said that, I'm really really hoping for a daughter & incredible jealous of you

rooboo111

My sister was CONVINCED she was having a girl, went for her 20 wk scan and found out it was a boy - she cried all the way home from the hospital!! It was at that point though that it became very real and she was able to pick a name, get his room ready etc and she then couldn't imagine not having a boy. Don't worry!

didihit

My husband and I were really hoping for a girl with our first one and when at the ultrasound we were told it's a boy, our reaction was literary "Wait what? Can you please doublecheck?" 

A little disappointment crept in. But the moment my son was born, I never looked back anymore. Even if someone said to me then, I'll use a magic wand and switch him to a girl, I would have never opted for it. Not then, not now, not ever. I love him and can't imagine my life without him exactly the way he is. 

Not everyone would feel this way but this experience has made my second pregnancy wait to learn the gender much easier. I know that a boy or a girl, it won't matter to me once they are born.

My husband on the other hand is still hoping for a daddy's girl. I support him and we even tried to sway for a girl. My feeling is - it's a boy.

gieraltowski

I felt disappointed to at first because my family is all girls all the boys married in but I soon got over it because I was just happy to be having a baby there is always next time;)

SuzyGreenie

I really wanted a girl because I already have a boy and I just found out yesterday that I am having a boy. I was disappointed about this but I am happy that my son will have a brother. I am getting over it and am just happy that the test results came back good. I think it's ok to have a gender preference but in the big scheme of things it's really not a big deal. The health of the baby comes first.

kinseykinz

Here are some positives about little girls, to help cheer you up OP

1. Little girls look cool in the kicker's uniform for the football team OR a ballerina outfit...little boy's can't quite as flawlessly pull both off.  (Not saying it's fair btw)
2. Little girls can wear any color without people questioning 'why is she wearing blue?'  Nor do they question why she's wearing a dress or pants or really, anything.  Little girls can shop in both the boys AND girls department and be considered 'cool'  (My daughter has Batman shirts and jammies mixed in with her princess stuff....and she personally picked both)
3. Little girls can rock bows, clips, pins, hats, bands, you name it, they can rock it
4. Little girls are tough, strong, and smart
5. Little girls love, and laugh and hug and are silly
6. Watching a little girl flirt with her Daddy will melt your heart.  Also, they are equally gifted at flirting w/ grandpa's, uncles and your best friends 6 year old little boy. 
7. Tea parties followed by mudpie making. 
8. You can get them dolls, blocks, cars, stuffies, art supplies, guitars, trains, science sets etc for Christmas and no one will bat an eye. 
9. One day, you'll have someone to share makeup secrets with....and then, in a year or two more, she'll be showing YOU all the newest trends and products.  Meanwhile, Dad will still have a fishing buddy, someone to watch football with, and someone to teach the 'important life stuff' too.  Like how to check the oil, change a tire, throw a punch/not put up with anyone's crap ever. 
10. You can pass down your cherished toys, clothes and accessories to her...or stuff from her grandma's and she'll love it. 

This is not me saying 'girls are better'  but girls are fun.  I have yet to find one thing I cannot do with, teach or share with my 4 year old daughter I wouldn't be able to share with a 4 year old son....however there have been things/clothes that she has had/activities that she has done that if I did the same to a son, people would question (albeit potentially unfairly) my rational. 

Also:  Your job is just to bake 'em...hubby decided the flavor of the cake. ^^