VENT: Adoption related, but later in life issues

So, as most of you know from my posts, I'm an adult adoptee.  Back in the day things were closed and I didn't meet my BM until I was 32.  It's been 6 years since that monumental day and I couldn't be more blessed with how everyone gets along.  Both moms stood up in my wedding, we do family holidays together and moms send emails to each other.  I don't really have another group in my life as familiar with adoption issues as all of you ladies, so I hope you don't mind indulging me a little...and any advice you have would be welcomed.

That said, sometimes my AM can be a bit immature and I've been waiting for it to surface in regards to my new relationship with my birth family and extended birth family.  There was one smaller incident a few years ago on Mother's Day, but really I've been so happy with how things have been going.  Well, this week my AM and MIL threw me a baby shower for both little E and the minion.  BM was invited, but not asked to help coordinate...this annoyed me a bit (and hurt BM's feelings), but I wasn't looking to pick a fight. 

A few days later I was talking with AM and she mentioned that she was still working with MIL to split one of the bills since they thought my BM may have wanted to cover it.  I asked he why she would want to cover part of it when they never even involved her in the planning process.  She then proceeded with a bunch of excuses, to which I asked her how she would have felt if she had been excluded from the planning process. Her comment was "I feel excluded all the time", which then snowballed into how jealous she is of the time I spend in Iowa with the birth family (we live in Wisconsin).  BOOM...there's what I was waiting for. 

I've tried to explain to her that it's been a very tough road for me to develop a relationship with the extended family, my BM is one of 14 siblings and the political dynamics are insane.  There are a lot of senstitive feelings going BM's stepmom forcer her to give me up which is a touchy topic, BM's dad is getting dimensia and gets easily confused, many of BM's siblings did not know about me until 6 years ago and it's been a bit for some of them to process, none of the cousins knew about me and that's a whole other dynamic.  I know 6 years seems like a long time, but I'm just starting to feel "part of the family" and I still get anxiety when we visit for big family holidays.

What I can't tell my AM is that I can't add her into the mix, as she says inappropriate things and I really can't handle the stress of them all being together.  I can barely handle the stress of the birth family dynamics on their own.  And I can't tell her this because I love her and I know it will do nothing but hurt her and damage our relationship.

So, now I'm frustrated, and a bit hurt.  AM doesn't want to hear anything that restricts her from that part of my life, and I'm just not ready to go there.

Sorry for the rambling rant.  For all of you parents, try not to be jealous, try to understand that your child will need to deal with some of the relationship dyanmics in their own time, in their own way...especiallly as they get older.  Maybe with open adoptions this is easier, but man...this is tough now.  Thanks for listening.


Re: VENT: Adoption related, but later in life issues

  • Well, that just made me happy cry (I know, not the point) because I could actually imagine A choosing to spend holidays with me and being a part of her wedding, baby showers, etc. Your relationship brings me much joy.

    Sorry you're struggling with your mom. Maybe she needs reassuring that she'll always be your Mom- the one that dried your tears and hugged you every day. Sounds like she has quite s bit of fear over losing you.
    Birthmom to A, 1/8- the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

    A Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. -Lao-Tzu

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  • Thanks ladies...I love getting different perspectives on things.  As it really helps me step back from things and try to look at it from the other side.

    @CaptainSerious- I can always count on you for a fair and compasionate response.  Thank you!  I tell people repeatedly that talking about adoption issues is so much harder than marriage, divorce or children issues because it's not yet as open and accepted...and statistically there are just fewer of us out there!

    @CarolinaGirl2014 - it's funny that you mention the part of "her always being my mom" because we've had that conversation as it relates to me potentially becoming the AM of little E, and I've reiterated to her that's how I feel in regards to her.  Apparently, we need to keep going with reinforcement on this point!

    I'm happy my sharing with you brought you some joy...something good should come from our sharing right?  :)  I think of the relationship that you will have with A thoughout her life and what a blessing that is.  She will always know who she gets her mannerisms from, facial expressions, habits, etc.  Sometimes it's the small things that you take forgranted the most, unless you don't have access to them.  I'm so happy she will have that with you!!


  • (((Huge hugs)))
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