Anxiety is rising... (previous child mentioned) - UPDATE

emsmama15

Ugh!  The mass (no longer calling it a cyst) is NOT gone, nor is it smaller.  My RE is referring me back to my OBGYN for imaging.  He thinks it's likely a "benign growth on my uterus" but it does appear like it's contiguous with my ovary which is what faked them out for the last 2 months, I guess.  It's on the back of my uterus, so it also runs near my rectum.  Given all of this, my RE doesn't want to move forward without the ok from my OBGYN.  No biggie, except my OB is not in the office today and I leave on Monday for a week-long conference in Florida.  SERIOUSLY!!  I'm not going to lie.  I ugly cried in the RE office.  Poor guy.  I'm just so frustrated.  So, another pack of birth control to start.  It just seems so wrong to be TTC and be on birth control.  Blah.  I'm going to go work out and then get a massage and then enjoy a glass (or bottle) of wine.  Thanks again everyone for your supportive words.  I'm trying to remember them all right now...

I go in on Friday for another follow-up ultrasound to evaluate my ovarian cyst.  The NP at my RE clinic couldn't really tell me what to expect (my questions - Does it have to be a certain size or gone? What if it's not? will I need it removed? Did the Femara cause the cyst? If it did, should we use something different?).  My appointment is with my actual RE rather than the nurse, so I hope I get some answers.  Meanwhile, my anxiety level is through the roof and I'm crying at the drop of a hat.  Yikes!  I feel like, even if we can proceed, all the stress hormones circulating in my body will impede my ability to get pregnant at this point.  My hope is the cyst is GONE and my anxiety will just drop away!  We'll see, I guess.  

The lack of forward progress is beginning to wear on me.  I have moments of thinking "Maybe I should just be happy with the beautiful child I have" and then I start crying thinking of not being able to give her a sibling.  Ugh.  I'm a mess....

wannabmama23

I'm sorry you're so stressed! Try not to let yourself get too mired down in "what if" and worrying about everything all at once. One day at a time and take in information as you get it.

I know that's easier said than done (I'm driving myself crazy too). But whenever I start indulging all my stress trigger scenarios, I try to remind myself that no matter what happens, the stress can only be bad for my body and soul, so I focus on getting control of that, first. Makes me much stronger for facing whatever is going to come.

I have this quote in my office and I like it in these situations, "Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy."

I hope you have good news and feel better!

tmorash

@wannabmama23 That is such a great sentiment; I think I'll post that in my office too, as it's something that I need a nearly constant reminder of!

@Heath&Jas Best of luck getting the answers you need and want! It's difficult, but try not to worry about what's beyond your control (ha - funny coming from me). Fingers crossed for you!

emsmama15

Thanks to both of you.  @wannabmama23, I love this quote.  It's so true.  I'm so focused on what's going to happen Friday, I can't focus on anything else.  Luckily once I'm home with my daughter, I have no problem focusing on her, it's just all the other times of the day when she's not around that I get really mired down in it.  I need to snap out of it.  

TAT2MAMI

@wannabmama23 - I love that saying as well! So true too!

@Health&Jas - I'm sorry you're so stressed out and anxious. My little mantra I try to live by is:
"Don't stress over something you have no immediate control over." Easier said than done, but I try. I hope your appt goes well and you get some answers!

SillySally24

@Heath&Jas - big hugs - the unknown is stressful, especially when  you're so anxious to move forward, I know the feeling.  I hope your appointment goes well on Friday, answers rock - even if they're not what you want to hear - at least you know how to proceed forward...

@wannabmama23 & Tat2mami - you both have fabulous quotes.  I was able to relax during the ups and downs of my IVF/IUI because I can't control it.  Now in my 2WW I just go about my day, mindful but not stressing - because there's nothing else I can do...

obscurereference

Hugs @Heath&Jas. I hope your cyst is gone and you can move forward with TTC. FX for you!

C_Girlie

It's so much easier to tell you to relax. But I hope you get good news and can TTC ASAP fx4u [-O<

URMySunshine77

What a beautiful quote, @wannabmama23! 

@Heath&amp;Jas: can you schedule something like acupuncture, yoga, or massage to clear your mind right now? I hope you get some positive answers soon. 

>:D<

Davie813

I'm so sorry.  I really hope you get answers Friday.

I know exactly how you feel going back and forth between being sincerely grateful for your first and mourning the second child you're afraid you'll never have.  It's crazy-making.

Wishing the very best for you!

emsmama15

Thanks so much for all your kind words. Funny you should mention it @URMySunshine77‌! I have a massage scheduled, picked up the yoga schedule at my gym today, and was researching acupuncturists in my area! I figured one or more of those things sure can't hurt!

URMySunshine77

Heath&Jas said:

Thanks so much for all your kind words. Funny you should mention it @URMySunshine77‌! I have a massage scheduled, picked up the yoga schedule at my gym today, and was researching acupuncturists in my area! I figured one or more of those things sure can't hurt!

I wish I could "love" this ten times! :-) 

lcwed

@Heath&amp;Jas I hope everything goes well with your appointments and I am so glad you are looking at fun ways to relax and unwind.  FX the week goes by quickly and you get encouraging news on Friday. 

meredithcarole

I am sorry you are stressed. I know I would be, too, but at this point you are just running through scenarios so don't drive yourself too crazy until you talk to the doctor.

emsmama15

Update from my appt added.

Davie813

I am so sorry.  All the hugs, and all the wine, for you. >:D<

I hope you are able to enjoy your time in Florida in spite of this frustrating news...

wannabmama23

Ugh, I am so sorry for your news. Take care of yourself and enjoy that (bottle of) wine and hopefully you can soak up a little FL sunshine.

tlc35

Bah, I am so sorry.  That sucks.  Try to enjoy Florida.

flyliceandcoffee

ugh. i'm so sorry you're going through that!

tmorash

Just read the update, @Heath&amp;Jas. So sorry that you're going through that, and feel no shame about the ugly cry. Let it all out. To make room for that bottle of wine.

Big hugs.

vh2014

I'm sorry the news wasn't better. Hope they get things back on track soon. Sounds like you deserve Florida and that glass (bottles are glass ) of wine. Hugs.

WinoGrrl

Hugs! and all the wine to you!

URMySunshine77

I'm so sorry for this set back. Thinking of you today.

TAT2MAMI

I'm so sorry! We're all here for you!

emsmama15

Thanks everyone! You're all amazing. I'm so happy I can vent all this to people who get it!

lcwed

I'm so sorry for your news. Big hugs.

meredithcarole

Oh no! I'm so sorry.